Fringe Q&A: Nightmare audience members
There are many worries on the mind of a comic performing at the Edinburgh Fringe: we asked who they would least like to see in the audience of their show?
The guy who trolled me for not being disabled enough. He doesn't know I wrote a show about him.
Aaron Simmonds: Disabled Coconut
Scooby Doo because I think he'd try to rip my face off to check if I was the caretaker all along.
Adele Cliff: Undershare
The Alsatian which chased me around Broadmead Village, Folkestone in 2002.
Andy Barr: The Ruby
Prince George. He's too adorable and would be too distracting.
Baby Wants Candy: The Completely Improvised Full Band Musical
A ghost. Not because it would be scary. Because I have a bit about ghosts not being real and an apparition would really ruin the momentum.
Ben Pope: Dancing Bear
My family. This answer would be consistent for pretty much any show I do. I tend to be very candid about my family unit onstage which they know about but have no idea what I'm actually saying. I'm very lucky in that they have zero interest in ever coming to watch me so I can speak freely!
Carl Donnelly: Shall We All Just Kill Ourselves?
My show is in part about a woman who came to see it last year. The title is an homage to her. I'll be honest, it would be pretty awkward if she shows up.
Catherine Bohart: Lemon
The devil. He has no sense of humour, stinks of sulphur and will never forgive me for not taking me up on that soul for fame and fortune deal he offered me.
Daliso Chaponda: Blah Blah Blacklist
Anyone I've previously worked with in an office. It's always awkward.
Darren Walsh: Punimal Farm
Can't say we'd enjoy seeing Bradley Cooper in the audience. He's been hounding us for the last couple of years, making unfounded claims we stole his Family Guy DVD box set. Get over it, Brad! You're a rich superstar - buy another!
The Delightful Sausage: Ginster's Paradise
Myself from the future, holding a smashed guitar, covered in blood screaming, 'You've got to stop this for the children!'
Then like, I dunno, a bad reviewer or someone who comes deliberately to not enjoy it? But definitely the first is the more likely and worse.
Edy Hurst: Hurst Schmurst
Roy Stride from Scouting For Girls... he is always trying to steal our ideas. And he is damn good at it to. Sometimes he has our ideas before we have them.
Felix and The Scootermen: Self-Help Yourself Famous
My friend Luigi, I own him money.
Francesco De Carlo: Winning Hearts and Minds
Anyone with the tail of a rat. It's all the little bones they've got in them, gives me the bleddy creeps.
Harriet Dyer: The Dinosaur Show
The group of lads on a bender that went to my first show and proceeded to aggressively heckle me for an entire hour. Sometimes lads heckle comedy shows to impress the other lads in the group, because they secretly want to have sex with each other. I really hope that the lads that heckled me are living their true sexual desires, and not heckling comedy shows anymore.
Isa Bonachera: The Great Emptiness
My girlfriend, because if a joke goes bad I can see the disappointment on her face
Jack Gleadow: Mr Saturday Night
Ken Dodd because he won't think an hour is long enough, and he's dead.
Jeremy Nicholas: What Are You Talking About?
My Dad. He'd just have such a terrible time because he really wishes I'd gone into sales. And I'm so happy I'm not in sales. Thanks so much Dad, for ignoring me so much I was drive to be a comedian. It turns out I absolutely love it in the end.
Jessica Fostekew: Hench
I don't want to see anyone special during the show because it might throw me off. However, I'd love to come off stage and be positively greeted by old teachers that doubted me, ex girlfriends that dumped me and Steve Coogan simultaneously.
Joe Jacobs: Grimefulness
A guy who is very obviously a future version of myself who's travelled back in time to watch the show. It would suggest that either something's about to happen that completely ruins my entire life, and he's come back to prevent it; or that this performance is literally the peak of my entire existence and he's come back to revisit it, both of which are depressing prospects.
Joz Norris Is Dead. Long Live Mr Fruit Salad.
People in cagoules. Ben Fogg, a comedian friend of mine vented his hatred of cagoules and people who insist on keeping them on indoors. I feel the same. No one has ever enjoyed anything inside a depressing, sweaty little raincoat. Take your cagoule off for the love of God, life doesn't have to be this way.
Kate Lucas: Is Selling Herself
Holly Willoughby. I went to school with her and I'm a little bit rude about her in my show. It would just be really socially awkward.
Lucy Frederick: Famtastic
My show features a couple of people and I'm using their real names because I'm a reckless hooligan ... if they turn up I will probably have to rewrite my show right there in front of them.
Maddie Campion: Truly Maddie Deeply
My father. He once watched my first television appearance by standing directly in front of the TV with his arms crossed. He was just showing interest, but I think I'd find that a bit distracting at a live show.
Maria Shehata: Hero
Our show revolves around the true story of what happened Max organised Ivan's stag weekend... however we've been very careful not to mention the word 'stag' in any promotional blurb as we live in fear that we'll attract groups of drunk lads who will be heavily disappointed by the lack of bants that took place.
Max & Ivan: Commitment
I have a bit of beef with Take That frontman Gary Barlow and spend a good portion of my show explaining why he's a bit of a dick so it might be quite awkward if he turned up and defended himself.
Nick Horseman: The Rhyme Scheme
Those two women who had an actual physical fight in the audience last year on a sold out Saturday in the Debating Hall. Gilded balloon security literally had to dive across the middle rows and pick them up and carry them away still flailing and swearing.
Notflix: Originals
Anyone who opposes immigration and anyone who's from the far right. Mainly cos my show talks a lot about my immigrant roots, coming to the UK from Iran in 1980. We moved to a small town in the north east called Redcar. Immigration rose by 900% when all 9 members of my family moved into the town.
Patrick Monahan: Started from the Bottom, Now l'm Here
Geoffrey Chaucer. It would be quite embarrassing because I do an impression of him in my show Alackadaddy, and also he's been dead for 619 years, t'would be a great shock.
Phil Cornwell: Alackadaddy
Your dad. Things are pretty weird between us right now.
Rhys Nicholson - Nice People Nice Things Nice Situations
My mum, she's in a wheelchair and if she's gotten into my basement venue I'm going to have a lot of questions about how.
Tamsyn Kelly: Petroc
My mum. She's got dementia now and she'd do something really troubling and we'd all have to confront the terror of getting old. It'd be unbearably painful. But funny for a bit too I'll bet.
Tony Law: Identifies
Myself. I think the idea of there being two of me really rattles my mind cage. People have told me there is another Twonkey he looks the same as me but he's covered in spiders.
Twonkey's Ten Year Twitch
The Greek hotel owner who once banned me for 'witchcraft'.
Whose Mind is it Anyway?
The Decepticon Transformer Soundwave. I do a whole bit about how Soundwave is the shittest of the Decepticons, So I'd probably have to drop that or he'd shoot me. He's cold and calculating but he's not really known for his sense of humour.
Action Figure Archive With Steve Mclean
I'll take anyone.
Annie McGrath: Shepherd
The guy who features in the closing song of my show, in which I create an opera out of a Facebook conversation from 10 years ago. I've changed his last name but my Photoshop work is so shoddy that he would instantly know from the poorly blurred profile picture that it's him. He doesn't come across well.
Archie Henderson: Jazz Emu
Tom Hardy - would not be able to not be magnetised by that beautiful white chocolate bear.
Archie Maddocks: Big Dick Energy
In the show, I tell a story about a sleepover I went to when I was 13. There were six other boys there and we all masturbated in the same room to Kate Winslet in Titanic and then played Nintendo 64. I've changed their names, but I feel like there was an unspoken vow of silence about that night, and I would feel guilty for a betrayal of trust by seeing one of their faces.
Kevin James Doyle: Loud Blond Bald Kid
The Welsh.
Daniel Muggleton: Pimpin' Ain't Easy (But I Reckon it's Easier for Straight, White Men?)
I would least like to see the group of Spanish exchange students who started a Twitter campaign against me (@dariusdaviesno) to get me banned from the Edinburgh Fringe - and who now form the basis of this year's show. That might be awkward.
Darius Davies: Persian Of Interest
Don't Be Terrible (Answered by Ellen Waddell, co-writer/director.)
Morris dancers. There are quite a few shots at them in the show, due to the fact my dad left my mum for one, so I have a personal vendetta.
Don't Be Terrible
My show involves me going on a date with, and possibly snogging, an audience member. So, obviously, I would HATE to see any of my family in the audience. Ever. There is a ban on my kin, upheld by front of house.
Blind Date
Piers Morgan. Not because he'd kick off but if he then loved it that's a confusing sort of endorsement to have so I'd rather not have to worry about it.
Harry Baker: I Am 10,000
Anyone born after 2001. It's an 18+ venue so let's keep it pre-9/11 please. And professional badminton players are not welcome at any point during the run. Such a sneaky little game.
Ed MacArthur: Humoresque
Genuinely, no word of a lie, I've had a recurring nightmare of walking on stage and being presented with an audience full of my ex girlfriends. There's not even that many, but can you imagine. My nerves would hate it. My ego would adore it.
I also worry more generally, what if, one day, only one person turns up and the need to go to the toilet - do I carry on or do I wait for them to get back. Do I take the show with them?
James Phelan: Troublemaker
Any of the members of Blazin' Squad, if you're reading this I have not forgotten about what you did.
Pindos
An empty chair. Their silence tends to be deafening.
Sid Singh: American Refugee
Melissa from my second grade tap dancing class, she called me a giraffe and I have not forgotten.
Jamie Loftus: Boss, Whom Is Girl
My mother. Purely because of the amount I talk about sex. I'm not prepared to screen borderline soft-core porn in front of her...
Skylar MacDonald's Fact Machine
I would have said Kim Jong-un, but he already came to the show the other day, and really quite enjoyed it. Well I wasn't assassinated at least, so that's a virtual 5-star review from a dictator. (True story - may or may not have been the real Kim Jong-un.)
The John Rowe Show