"If you won £1m, what would you do with it?" - this is the question we asked the people behind the following comedy shows in Edinburgh. Click on their titles to find out more about the shows.
1. Fix my back. 2. Put on a years worth of conceptual comedy. 3. Train a guava.
I'd invest half of it in floppy disks and cassettes, I've got a feeling their stock is about to rise because people keep sticking them to things to make them look retro. With the rest I'd buy some roller skates and pay someone to teach me all of the tricks on them. Whatever's left is getting spent on notebooks and pens in Paperchase.
Offer £100 to every member of my audience. That'd give me two weeks to decide what to do with the other £999,900.
Lewis Dunn: Sort out accommodation for next year. We'd have a room each. It would be decadent.
I would hire 4 monks to travel around Aisa with a picture of Peter Andre on it, stopping at every village and doing a special chant. I hope the money would last a lifetime and start a cult.
Just about manage to buy a house in London, then spend the rest on Avocado on toast. You can have both.
Hire myself a yes-man. Someone to follow me around and whatever I proposed, no matter how mad, he'd nod and say, "Of course, brilliant, quite brilliant." Naturally, if I told a joke, he'd almost faint with laughter.
I'd buy proper mayonnaise instead of the store branded one.
Buy every single physical advert at the Fringe. This probably wouldn't be enough money.
I'd try to buy a house in Melbourne, but I'd be priced out of where I want to live, so I guess I'd buy quite a few of my favourite ice creams - the Golden Gaytime. But because the UK doesn't have that ice cream, I guess I'll settle for some Maxibons. I'd also like to buy some very nice pencils.
I would bribe every god-damned member of this god-damned industry, and become the ultimate champion of Edinburgh.
Buy a really small house in London. Or fund a zombie movie. There's also a West End musical I want to put on. To be honest, I need £10m for my plans.
84-year-old performer Brigid Sen: "Spend it very fast before I get too decrepit and, if I do, use it for luxurious aged care somewhere wonderful."
Jamie Barwood: Contribute to a reunion series of Desperate Housewives.
Louis Mackrodt: When you live in London, not a lot! I'd probably put a deposit down on a flat (after I'd got back from somewhere in the Caribbean).
Set up a publication called the British Comedy Guide Guide and talk about all our favourite parts of the British Comedy Guide. And also publish all our answers.
Invest it in hedge funds, because we really love topiary.
Honestly, probably just what we're doing now, but more often, and with less time spent in customer service. Or hire someone to write less sincere answers.
Buy an area of land in the Pennines and try to reintroduce struggling tree and insect species. Painfully sincere answer, there.
Pay off our Edinburgh debt then with the tenner left over, go to Pizza Express.
Give it to charity. JOKING!!! had you there. Buy a house of course.
This is an insufficient sum to do anything meaningful to help society so I would pay someone to kidnap anyone currently working towards this Brexit negotiation. I would then expect the kidnappers to secure these government officials in a sealed room, where they could dupe them into believing the footage seen in a number of terrifying short films, before releasing them under the guise that they only had 3 hours to reach an agreement on Brexit. I doubt this would be successful but it may prompt faster decisions to protracted arguments.
Invest it all in Bitcoin. If I've learnt one thing in life it's that it's best to get to the party late, invest all your money into the party and then assume the party will never end!
I would employ a bounty hunter to track down and destroy any footage of me performing in a children's show at the 2012 Edinburgh Fringe.
I'd buy a million £1 scratch cards. Or use it all to buy half a flat in London.
If I won £1 and a lowercase 'm', I would immediately regret not entering a lottery with higher stakes.
I'd use it to no longer worry about the price of a Pink Lady apple.
Buy 1m worth of Haggis and then get trucks to lay it down the Royal Mile and have a massive festival feast. BYO HP Sauce.
Susan & Lucy would launch their XS and X Tall fashion range "Extreme"; Ruth would create a giant bee sanctuary; Lauren would have private tuition with the England football team; and Pippa would pay for a hot date with Ringo.
Joshua George Smith: Is bitcoin still a thing? If it is I'd pay to make sure it's not.
Donate it to British Comedy Guide, to curry favour for all future Edinburgh promotion.
Set up a Comedian's retreat in Portugal. It's a beautiful house where comedians can learn how to do difficult things like "have conversations which are not about their show", "watch Back To The Future", "look people in the eye" and "accept compliments".
Stop buying off-brand Super Noodles and start buying the real thing. Then eat Super Noodles whenever I want. And, if half way through eating a bowl of Super Noodles I decide I'm not even hungry, I'll just throw them away. Then if I decide I am hungry after all, I'll just open a new packet. I don't care if it's wasteful. I'm a millionaire I can do what I want.
Buy the Flintstones a new car.