Published: Tuesday 7th August 2018

Edinburgh Q&A.

Fringe Q&A: If you won a million pounds...

"If you won £1m, what would you do with it?" - this is the question we asked the people behind the following comedy shows in Edinburgh. Click on their titles to find out more about the shows.


Adam Larter: Boogie Knights. Adam Larter.Adam Larter

1. Fix my back. 2. Put on a years worth of conceptual comedy. 3. Train a guava.

Adele Cliff: Sheep. Adele Cliff.Adele Cliff

I'd invest half of it in floppy disks and cassettes, I've got a feeling their stock is about to rise because people keep sticking them to things to make them look retro. With the rest I'd buy some roller skates and pay someone to teach me all of the tricks on them. Whatever's left is getting spent on notebooks and pens in Paperchase.

Life Coach (age 14). Anthony Jeannot.Anthony Jeannot

Offer £100 to every member of my audience. That'd give me two weeks to decide what to do with the other £999,900.

Any Suggestions, Doctor? An Improvised Adventure in Space and Time.Any Suggestions, Doctor?

Lewis Dunn: Sort out accommodation for next year. We'd have a room each. It would be decadent.

Barry Ferns: Barry Loves You. Barry Ferns.Barry Ferns

I would hire 4 monks to travel around Aisa with a picture of Peter Andre on it, stopping at every village and doing a special chant. I hope the money would last a lifetime and start a cult.

BattleActs! Improvised Comedy.BattleActs!

Just about manage to buy a house in London, then spend the rest on Avocado on toast. You can have both.

Benet Brandreth: A Hero for Our Times. Benet Brandreth.Benet Brandreth

Hire myself a yes-man. Someone to follow me around and whatever I proposed, no matter how mad, he'd nod and say, "Of course, brilliant, quite brilliant." Naturally, if I told a joke, he'd almost faint with laughter.

Bennett Arron: I've Never Told Anyone This. Bennett Arron.Bennett Arron

I'd buy proper mayonnaise instead of the store branded one.

Bilal Zafar - Lovebots. Bilal Zafar.Bilal Zafar

Buy every single physical advert at the Fringe. This probably wouldn't be enough money.

Claire Sullivan: I Wish I Owned a Hotel for Dogs. Claire Sullivan.Claire Sullivan

I'd try to buy a house in Melbourne, but I'd be priced out of where I want to live, so I guess I'd buy quite a few of my favourite ice creams - the Golden Gaytime. But because the UK doesn't have that ice cream, I guess I'll settle for some Maxibons. I'd also like to buy some very nice pencils.

David McIver Is a Nice Little Man. David McIver.David McIver

I would bribe every god-damned member of this god-damned industry, and become the ultimate champion of Edinburgh.

Dominic Frisby's Financial Game Show. Dominic Frisby.Dominic Frisby

Buy a really small house in London. Or fund a zombie movie. There's also a West End musical I want to put on. To be honest, I need £10m for my plans.

Don't Knock Your Granny.Don't Knock Your Granny

84-year-old performer Brigid Sen: "Spend it very fast before I get too decrepit and, if I do, use it for luxurious aged care somewhere wonderful."

Hamilton (Lewis).Hamilton (Lewis)

Jamie Barwood: Contribute to a reunion series of Desperate Housewives.

Louis Mackrodt: When you live in London, not a lot! I'd probably put a deposit down on a flat (after I'd got back from somewhere in the Caribbean).

Harry and Chris Save the World.Harry & Chris

Set up a publication called the British Comedy Guide Guide and talk about all our favourite parts of the British Comedy Guide. And also publish all our answers.

Lord of the Game of the Ring of Thrones.Hivemind

Invest it in hedge funds, because we really love topiary.

Just These, Please.Just These, Please

Honestly, probably just what we're doing now, but more often, and with less time spent in customer service. Or hire someone to write less sincere answers.

Kieran Hodgson: '75. Kieran Hodgson.Kieran Hodgson

Buy an area of land in the Pennines and try to reintroduce struggling tree and insect species. Painfully sincere answer, there.

Lazy Susan: Forgive Me, Mother!. Image shows from L to R: Freya Parker, Celeste Dring.Lazy Susan

Pay off our Edinburgh debt then with the tenner left over, go to Pizza Express.

Luke Kempner: House of Faces. Luke Kempner.Luke Kempner

Give it to charity. JOKING!!! had you there. Buy a house of course.

Please Stop!.Luke van Coot

This is an insufficient sum to do anything meaningful to help society so I would pay someone to kidnap anyone currently working towards this Brexit negotiation. I would then expect the kidnappers to secure these government officials in a sealed room, where they could dupe them into believing the footage seen in a number of terrifying short films, before releasing them under the guise that they only had 3 hours to reach an agreement on Brexit. I doubt this would be successful but it may prompt faster decisions to protracted arguments.

Matthew Highton - Insufficient Memory. Matthew Highton.Matthew Highton

Invest it all in Bitcoin. If I've learnt one thing in life it's that it's best to get to the party late, invest all your money into the party and then assume the party will never end!

Nick Elleray: It's Been Emotional. Nick Elleray.Nick Elleray

I would employ a bounty hunter to track down and destroy any footage of me performing in a children's show at the 2012 Edinburgh Fringe.

Rhys Nicholson - Seminal. Rhys Nicholson.Rhys Nicholson

I'd buy a million £1 scratch cards. Or use it all to buy half a flat in London.

Richard Soames: Let's Make a Movie. Richard Soames.Richard Soames

If I won £1 and a lowercase 'm', I would immediately regret not entering a lottery with higher stakes.

Rob Auton: The Talk Show. Rob Auton.Rob Auton

I'd use it to no longer worry about the price of a Pink Lady apple.

Scientology: The Musical. George Glass.Scientology: The Musical

Buy 1m worth of Haggis and then get trucks to lay it down the Royal Mile and have a massive festival feast. BYO HP Sauce.

Showstopper! The Improvised Musical.Showstopper!

Susan & Lucy would launch their XS and X Tall fashion range "Extreme"; Ruth would create a giant bee sanctuary; Lauren would have private tuition with the England football team; and Pippa would pay for a hot date with Ringo.

Sleeping Trees: World Tour.Sleeping Trees

Joshua George Smith: Is bitcoin still a thing? If it is I'd pay to make sure it's not.

Stuart Goldsmith: End Of. Stuart Goldsmith.Stuart Goldsmith

Donate it to British Comedy Guide, to curry favour for all future Edinburgh promotion.

Susan Harrison Is a Bit Weepy. Susan Harrison.Susan Harrison

Set up a Comedian's retreat in Portugal. It's a beautiful house where comedians can learn how to do difficult things like "have conversations which are not about their show", "watch Back To The Future", "look people in the eye" and "accept compliments".

Look, It's Tom Little, Alright?. Tom Little.Tom Little

Stop buying off-brand Super Noodles and start buying the real thing. Then eat Super Noodles whenever I want. And, if half way through eating a bowl of Super Noodles I decide I'm not even hungry, I'll just throw them away. Then if I decide I am hungry after all, I'll just open a new packet. I don't care if it's wasteful. I'm a millionaire I can do what I want.

The Worst Little Warehouse In London. Image shows from L to R: Lala Barlow, Robbie Smith.Worst Little Warehouse

Buy the Flintstones a new car.


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