British Comedy Guide

Tell us a joke Page 257

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Stephen Goodlad

  • Sunday 9th May 2021, 9:53am
  • Mirfield, England
  • 4,440 posts

It's like walking through the mental ward....

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Sunday 9th May 2021, 3:40pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 6,065 posts

My mother has learnt to walk and have sex. Just takes it on her stride.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Tuesday 11th May 2021, 7:05am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 6,065 posts

Someone just said to me, 'Make less f**king jokes about the f**king Spice Girls you f**king boring f**king c**t.' I was shocked. Because it's 'fewer', not 'less'.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Wednesday 12th May 2021, 9:51am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 6,065 posts

Helena Boneham Carter knows how to work with top producers. It's her middle name.

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gappy

  • Wednesday 12th May 2021, 5:00pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,232 posts
Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 12th May 2021, 9:51 AM

Helena Boneham Carter knows how to work with top producers. It's her middle name.

The trouble with that joke is that, actually, it's not.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Wednesday 12th May 2021, 7:54pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 6,065 posts

People say the panto format is out of date. Oh no, it isn't.

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Stephen Goodlad

  • Thursday 13th May 2021, 5:49pm
  • Mirfield, England
  • 4,440 posts

To protect you from the Indian variant of covid, they have to inject it in your butt butt butt

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Saturday 15th May 2021, 10:18pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 6,065 posts

What's the difference between covid and Mrs Thatcher? Thatcher couldn't close all the hospitals.

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Steve Sunshine

  • Monday 17th May 2021, 12:33am
  • Dagenham, England
  • 14,945 posts

A friend of mine who was obsessed with he Monkees sadly passed away this week
So I sent his family Micky Dolenzes

I've been stealing Garden ornaments from my next door neighbour
(Who shall remain Gnomeless)

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Stephen Goodlad

  • Monday 17th May 2021, 7:36am
  • Mirfield, England
  • 4,440 posts

I told my daughter not to buy her naughty young son a phone.
Now he's tried to swallow it and got it stuck in his throat.
I'll ring his neck

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Billy Bunter

  • Monday 17th May 2021, 8:52am
  • The Sussex Coast, England
  • 1,683 posts
Quote: Steve Sunshine @ 17th May 2021, 12:33 AM

I've been stealing Garden ornaments from my next door neighbour
(Who shall remain Gnomeless)

I also saw you walking away with his garden gate. I was going to chase after you and confront you but was afraid you might take a fence.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Monday 17th May 2021, 9:13am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 6,065 posts
Quote: Steve Sunshine @ 17th May 2021, 12:33 AM

A friend of mine who was obsessed with he Monkees sadly passed away this week
So I sent his family Micky Dolenzes)

That's awesome but I saw it on Facebook recently. However it's the kinda thing you could think up Independently.
I thought I could overcome my Beatles obsession. I should've known better.

Quote: Billy Bunter @ 17th May 2021, 8:52 AM

I also saw you walking away with his garden gate. I was going to chase after you and confront you but was afraid you might take a fence.

I can't decide which field to pooh in, so I'm shitting on the fence.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Wednesday 19th May 2021, 9:12pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 6,065 posts

I've been on Facebook so long. I need myspace.