British Comedy Guide

Tell us a joke

Avatar

sootyj

  • Monday 16th December 2013, 2:46pm
  • England
  • 51,287 posts

How about a thread for jokes, where we can post lots of jokes.
Because jokes are awesome and make us happy.
Like squirrels or zebras being eaten by cross eyed lions.

Any way here's the last joke I managed to sell (it was written for an American lady)

So I went to see my Dr and said Dr I've been terribly ill.
He asks me whats wrong with me.
So I say whenever I sneeze it's green.
That's normal, boogers are green. Did I cure your colour blindness?
I say no it's green like dollars, $1 bills, $5 bills and even $50 bills.
Oh he says you've caught Afluenza.
Alfluenza?
Yeh it's like when you're so rich it makes you unhappy, there's a simple cure.
What's that?
Pay my bill, you won't be affluent after that. Are you ok you're not sitting comfortably?
I said I got Afluenza so bad I work up this morning, sneezing dollars, pissing diamonds and shitting tiffany jewellery.

Avatar

blahblah

  • Monday 16th December 2013, 3:01pm
  • sunderland, England
  • 1,130 posts

I was arrested last week for wasting police time. All I said was they should investigate twitter because the users seem to be pricing up drugs. Always talking about Hash-Tags

Avatar

Mattytheswan

  • Monday 16th December 2013, 3:17pm
  • England
  • 175 posts

I got hit on the shins by a pork pie yesterday and the day before got hit in the eye with a chicken drumstick. Doctor reckons it's Picnic attacks.

Avatar

sootyj

  • Monday 16th December 2013, 3:43pm
  • England
  • 51,287 posts
Quote: blahblah @ 16th December 2013, 3:01 PM GMT

I was arrested last week for wasting police time. All I said was they should investigate twitter because the users seem to be pricing up drugs. Always talking about Hash-Tags


Not bad but a bit forced.

Maybe,

My mates such a stoner, he tried to smoke his hash tags.

Avatar

blahblah

  • Monday 16th December 2013, 3:48pm
  • sunderland, England
  • 1,130 posts

Keeps to the point better than mine.

How about;

My mate is so sqaure he won't even use hash tags

Avatar

Nogget

  • Monday 16th December 2013, 4:00pm [Edited]
  • England
  • 6,620 posts

Or to make it less pared-down; The schoolkids around here are such web-headed stoners, they don't play 'it' , they play hash tag.

Good idea for a thread, but might be better if posters had to make jokes about something in the previous post.

Avatar

Carlos Manwelly

  • Monday 16th December 2013, 4:40pm
  • Wales
  • 1,223 posts

Nick Clegg has said the plan by the European Union to cap illegal immigrants is unworkable. The deputy prime minister said "They would have to measure the head of every immigrant that comes into the country."

Home Secretary Theresa May said "We are looking at a one size fits all solution"

Sales of top shelf magazines such as Razzle and Mayfair have seen a sharp rise today since the news of BT switching on it's Internet porn filter.

Avatar

Carlos Manwelly

  • Monday 16th December 2013, 5:08pm
  • Wales
  • 1,223 posts

The organiser of a Winter Wonderland event cancelled after hundreds of complaints is being questioned by trading standards.

The unnamed man said " We will undertake a thorough investigation and will be back open in the summer"

Avatar

gappy

  • Monday 16th December 2013, 5:33pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,019 posts

I used to be married to a woman who made mustard, but one day I got home and found she'd written me a Dijon letter.

Avatar

Stephen Goodlad

  • Monday 16th December 2013, 5:43pm
  • Mirfield, England
  • 3,492 posts

My wife was ready to divorce me when our 8 year old son told her that a woman had answered my mobile phone.
She asked him 'what exactly did this woman say'
He said The person you are calling is not available at the moment

Avatar

Steve Sunshine

  • Tuesday 17th December 2013, 4:36pm
  • Dagenham, England
  • 14,540 posts

I knew my Italian girlfriend was thinking of becoming a Muslim
when she kept going on websites saying that she was available

Avatar

sootyj

  • Tuesday 17th December 2013, 4:39pm
  • England
  • 51,287 posts

Very nice booyah even, but why Italian girl friend?

Avatar

Steve Sunshine

  • Tuesday 17th December 2013, 4:46pm [Edited]
  • Dagenham, England
  • 14,540 posts

Just because they put A's in front of a everything
When you're doing the racist accent that I was thinking of

As another example a leaky Italian boat would be unassailable

Avatar

gappy

  • Tuesday 17th December 2013, 5:30pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,019 posts

File with one of my faves: Euripides trousers, Eumenides trousers!

AvatarBCG Supporter

Tursiops

  • Tuesday 17th December 2013, 5:57pm
  • Welwyn Garden City, England
  • 9,788 posts

That's rubbish. Ancient Greeks didn't wear trousers...