British Comedy Guide

Tell us a joke Page 8

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playfull

  • Monday 13th January 2014, 4:17pm
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,858 posts
Quote: FunyHaHA Not Funy Strange @ 13th January 2014, 1:30 PM GMT

What did Watson buy Sherlock for Christmas?
A De-Juicer.


Have you just got round to opening that last cracker?

(I actually did not get it at first)

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sootyj

  • Monday 13th January 2014, 4:33pm
  • England
  • 51,287 posts
Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 13th January 2014, 8:59 AM GMT

What D is Bob Holness?


damned fine TV presenter

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Marc P

  • Monday 13th January 2014, 10:43pm
  • England
  • 17,698 posts
Quote: sootyj @ 13th January 2014, 4:33 PM GMT

damned fine TV presenter


Yes

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danphobic

  • Tuesday 14th January 2014, 5:25pm [Edited]
  • london, England
  • 224 posts

I was supposed to be going sky diving,

but me and the instructor kept falling out

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danphobic

  • Tuesday 14th January 2014, 8:59pm
  • london, England
  • 224 posts
Quote: sootyj @ 31st December 2013, 10:10 AM GMT

I went to an anorexic restaurant, I said I'll have what the staff are having
But they were having none of it.


I was trying to find this the other day in the restaurant thread. Really like this one :)

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sootyj

  • Tuesday 14th January 2014, 9:05pm
  • England
  • 51,287 posts

thanks and everyone #restaurantjoke

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FunyHaHA Not Funy Strange

  • Wednesday 15th January 2014, 12:27pm
  • Essex, England
  • 455 posts

When I found out my Anger Management Class had been cancelled this morning I was So.......... !
OK with it,
Don't think I'll bother going next week!

My friends tell me I'm to impatient,
Can't wait to prove them wrong!

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Wednesday 15th January 2014, 5:14pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,387 posts

One swallow does not make a Summer. But it does mean she likes you.

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paul ivey

  • Wednesday 15th January 2014, 7:14pm [Edited]
  • reading, United Kingdom
  • 56 posts

What's old and wrinkly but comes in smooth and young?

Tom Daley's new boyfriend.

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Tony Cowards

  • Wednesday 15th January 2014, 7:46pm
  • Wiltshire, England
  • 1,762 posts
Quote: sootyj @ 31st December 2013, 10:10 AM GMT

I went to an anorexic restaurant, I said I'll have what the staff are having
But they were having none of it.


It's a nice joke but, for me, the repetition of the word "having" is jarring.

Generally I would avoid repeating any major words from the set up in the punchline.

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Marc P

  • Wednesday 15th January 2014, 11:11pm
  • England
  • 17,698 posts

Good advice in all dialogue.

Unless you make a feature of it.

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FunyHaHA Not Funy Strange

  • Thursday 16th January 2014, 12:02pm [Edited]
  • Essex, England
  • 455 posts

My Girlfriend said she was leaving me because I was obsessed with quoting Kylie Minogue Songs:

I Said, Please Stay, Give me just a little more time, it's Better the devil you know, just Put your hand on your heart and tell me that it's over, but, you've Got to be certain, for, On a night like this, Its never to late, Please, Confide in me, What do I have to do, to stay, In your arms, I can't get you out of my head, I'm Spinning around, in a Fever, Wow, I'm, Shocked, If you leave, there will be, Tears on my pillow, for with you it was, Love at first sight.

She Said, Ok, I'll Stay, Especially for you.

I said, Great, and I promise I will stop this obsession with quoting Kyle Songs!
She said, I Should be so lucky!!!!! :)

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M Paterson

  • Thursday 16th January 2014, 1:49pm
  • Norfolk, England
  • 221 posts

Here you go, some old groaners from my dusty archive:

So, the launch of my new book went well. I got it over the roof today.

I like to invite JK Rowling over when I have a full English breakfast. Nothing beats a bit of HP Source.

My daughter told me she'd spilt Tipp-Ex on the chair I was sitting in but I didn't believe her. I stand corrected.

I wasn't great in school. I thought Pythagorus Theorem was the leader of the Autobots.

Paul Verhoeven to direct a documentary on the simple life of beetles. 'Basic Insect'.

Porcine: the collective name for a group of bad semaphore users.

My nan's new bungalow is pretty much perfect for her. There's just one flaw...

How many alchemists does it take to change a lightbulb into gold?

Mum and dad were barristers who gave me electro-shock therapy. I was brought up on charges.

Just put in a bid on some original Hammer Horror posters. Very Pricey.

After researching my family tree I learned I have some Eastern European ancestry and that they were great swimmers. In short I'm a tad pole.

The Deja Vu Society think they've met before, every third Wednesday

As a child I loved rocking horses. They particularly like AC/DC.

My wife told me to give my dad a ring, so I picked up the phone and called a jewellers.

All work and no play makes me think my days as a theatre producer are numbered.

Here's an interesting tale: I was told that magic mushrooms don't work by a talking potato.

If you want to tax the richest in society, ask them how much a pint of milk is.

My brother came to my glam-rock party carrying a bunch of Enid Blyton books. 'Who've you come as?' I said. 'Noddy Holder.'