British Comedy Guide

Tell us a joke Page 3

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Nick81

  • Friday 20th December 2013, 1:14pm
  • Preston, England
  • 358 posts

Live at the Appollo for the next six months -

The insurance claim.

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Jakob Jensen

  • Friday 20th December 2013, 11:09pm
  • Denmark
  • 201 posts

-Drinking alcohol, eating pork and cheating on your wife is reasons for going to hell for a muslim. In Denmark we call it a Christmas Party!
(Not mine joke)

Some jokes about Jesus (With his birth around the corner and all, all mine)
-Soon it's the birth of the greatest magician of them all. Bringing a dead guyback to life, walking on the water and feeding 5000 people with 2 fish and 5 breads not even David Blaine elevating or David Copperfield making the statue of liberty disappear beats that!

His message was love your nabour like you love yourself. Beautyfull words except when you live next to a person who's dog have made a shit everywhere in your common garden ground and the way you discover it, is when you walk out with your washed laundry in the dark barefooted. The you lose your Christian faith pretty quickly.

The big bonus is you can escape death. But what a we really in for, when its time to enjoy eternity in Gods great afterlife resort. Are we talking disneyland with cartonish entertainment or is like Patya beach in thailand with sun, hot ladys and shifty fat pensioneers or maybe like a Danish weather with 6 days of sun and the rest grey and rain. Come to think about death is maybe not such a bad idea.

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playfull

  • Saturday 21st December 2013, 7:14pm
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,820 posts

If someone made a living dressing like Daniel O'Donnell and singing his songs, would they be described as a tribute bland?

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Carlos Manwelly

  • Saturday 21st December 2013, 7:29pm
  • Wales
  • 1,223 posts

Inside the Appollo theatre Cinderella Christmas pantomime:

Buttons: The roof is falling down.

Audience: Oh no it isn't.

Buttons: Oh yes it f**king is.

Roof crashes

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billwill

  • Sunday 22nd December 2013, 2:15pm [Edited]
  • North London, England
  • 5,832 posts

wrong topic..

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sootyj

  • Sunday 22nd December 2013, 2:36pm
  • England
  • 51,287 posts

If its not yours don't post it

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gappy

  • Sunday 22nd December 2013, 3:01pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,058 posts

WWI SOLDIER 1: It'll all be over by Christmas.

WWI SOLDIER 2: Well, obviously; that's how advent works.

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AndyGilder

  • Monday 23rd December 2013, 1:44pm
  • Leeds, England
  • 579 posts

Just had a big Jewish woman sing "Joe Le Taxi" at full volume right in my face.

Think it was that Vanessa parody.

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sootyj

  • Monday 23rd December 2013, 1:49pm [Edited]
  • England
  • 51,287 posts

I used to sell shares from a tank of Bulmers

I was arrested for insider dealing

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dannyjb1

  • Monday 23rd December 2013, 1:53pm [Edited]
  • England
  • 2,464 posts

I used to sell shares from a tank of Magners.

Quote: sootyj @ 23rd December 2013, 1:49 PM GMT

I was arrested for insider dealing


This is the pedant in me coming out, don't want the work cider in the setup... :)

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sootyj

  • Monday 23rd December 2013, 1:55pm
  • England
  • 51,287 posts

Bloody hellthat's dyspraxia for you, I saw myself typing Bulmers

nb Dannyjb Bulmers is funnier than Magners

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dannyjb1

  • Monday 23rd December 2013, 2:40pm
  • England
  • 2,464 posts
Quote: sootyj @ 23rd December 2013, 1:55 PM GMT

Bloody hellthat's dyspraxia for you, I saw myself typing Bulmers

nb Dannyjb Bulmers is funnier than Magners


See I was originally going to go for Woodpecker... because you know it has the word pecker in there, my jokes are that sophisticated.

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sootyj

  • Monday 23rd December 2013, 2:56pm
  • England
  • 51,287 posts

and the letter k, hard consonants are always funny

but Bulmers sounds like Bummers

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FunyHaHA Not Funy Strange

  • Wednesday 25th December 2013, 10:59am
  • Essex, England
  • 455 posts

I've just received a bottle of Lynx Apollo for Christmas.

I Sprayed it and my roof collapsed!

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blahblah

  • Monday 30th December 2013, 2:03pm
  • sunderland, England
  • 1,130 posts

I've just bought an idiots guide to procrastination. Well it's on my to do list