British Comedy Guide

Tell us a joke Page 2

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billwill

  • Tuesday 17th December 2013, 6:33pm
  • North London, England
  • 5,834 posts
Quote: gappy @ 16th December 2013, 5:33 PM GMT

I used to be married to a woman who made mustard, but one day I got home and found she'd written me a Dijon letter.


Better if it was; " I used to be ENGAGED to... "

Quote: Stephen Goodlad @ 16th December 2013, 5:43 PM GMT

My wife was ready to divorce me when our 8 year old son told her that a woman had answered my mobile phone.
She asked him 'what exactly did this woman say'
He said The person you are calling is not available at the moment


Better as:

My wife was ready to divorce me when our 8 year old son told her that a woman had answered my mobile phone.
SO I asked him 'what exactly did this woman say'
He said "The person you are calling is not available at the moment"

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gappy

  • Tuesday 17th December 2013, 7:28pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,080 posts
Quote: Tursiops @ 17th December 2013, 5:57 PM GMT

That's rubbish. Ancient Greeks didn't wear trousers...


When it was cold they wore multiple trousers...or Menelaus.

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Tursiops

  • Tuesday 17th December 2013, 7:30pm
  • Welwyn Garden City, England
  • 9,788 posts

Annoyed

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sootyj

  • Tuesday 17th December 2013, 8:38pm
  • England
  • 51,287 posts

I was in an argument over whether a bishops hat resembled arapier or a Biro

Turns out the pen is mightier than the sword

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Steve Sunshine

  • Tuesday 17th December 2013, 8:50pm
  • Dagenham, England
  • 14,614 posts

Those pens are doing well on the Nikkei Dow
Biro sell high

*moves on to next stereotypical foreign accent

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gappy

  • Tuesday 17th December 2013, 9:46pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,080 posts

I recently won the World Hand-Job Championships. Had to beat off some stiff opposition.

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blahblah

  • Wednesday 18th December 2013, 9:47am [Edited]
  • sunderland, England
  • 1,130 posts

I recently won the sexiest male contest. They were really impressed with my envelope

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sootyj

  • Wednesday 18th December 2013, 11:44am
  • England
  • 51,287 posts

I'm a sexy male
I envelope the ladies and always deliver

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blahblah

  • Wednesday 18th December 2013, 12:08pm
  • sunderland, England
  • 1,130 posts

The ladies at my local WI have released a calender, but they refuse to release the stop watch until the ransoms been paid

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sootyj

  • Wednesday 18th December 2013, 12:10pm
  • England
  • 51,287 posts

Nice

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sootyj

  • Thursday 19th December 2013, 10:15am
  • England
  • 51,287 posts

I said to this heckler, "I don't come around to your work whilst your working and knock the cocks out of your mouth,"
He says
"I wish you would, I bite the heads off live poultry and I'm a vegetarian"

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blahblah

  • Thursday 19th December 2013, 11:12am
  • sunderland, England
  • 1,130 posts

Last week I thought a heckler followed me home shouting "Your shit!" It turns out he was just a kindly plumber returning something to me

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JaPi

  • Thursday 19th December 2013, 5:32pm
  • Leeds, England
  • 76 posts

What's the opposite of a gay Scientologist?

An oxymoron.

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Stephen Goodlad

  • Thursday 19th December 2013, 5:45pm
  • Mirfield, England
  • 3,747 posts

I asked my mother to get me a jumper for Christmas.

She got me a lemming.