British Comedy Guide

Tell us a joke Page 254

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Thursday 11th March 2021, 3:41pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,749 posts

What do you call a Spaniard who can't locate his automobile? Carloss.

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Chappers

  • Thursday 11th March 2021, 5:59pm
  • Surreyish., England
  • 31,956 posts
Quote: alison blunderland @ 11th March 2021, 1:36 PM

Harry and Meghan are in bed on their wedding night and he says, 'I'd like our first child to be named Seatbelt.'
'Why Seatbelt?' she asks.
'It's what my mother would have wanted.'

Oh no! That is terrible.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Thursday 11th March 2021, 8:54pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,749 posts

I like it but it'd be better with a pun - something that's a real name.

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Definitely Tarby

  • Thursday 11th March 2021, 9:15pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 2,223 posts

Mercedes Seatbelt?

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Steve Sunshine

  • Thursday 11th March 2021, 9:58pm
  • Dagenham, England
  • 14,776 posts

My pretend childhood friend passed away the other day
Unfortunately his Will left nothing to my imagination

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Friday 12th March 2021, 12:12pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,749 posts

I knew a guy at uni who could pee at will. I loved it but Will wasn't so keen.

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alison blunderland

  • Friday 12th March 2021, 6:41pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 63 posts

My imaginary friend is coming round tonight for a sleepover. I've made up a bed for her.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Friday 12th March 2021, 6:59pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,749 posts

You never know who your friends are. Unless you're on Facebook, there's a list.

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gappy

  • Saturday 13th March 2021, 10:39pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,143 posts
Quote: Steve Sunshine @ 11th March 2021, 9:58 PM

My pretend childhood friend passed away the other day
Unfortunately his Will left nothing to my imagination

I like it,

This isn't a joke, per se, but I literally just thought of it. When tabloid journalists say things like "Beyonce's outfit left little to the imagination", it implies that whenever they see a woman in an overcoat, or a surplice or a hazmat suit, they're just thinking "Wow, imagine what shape her knockers are!" Which is pretty unpleasant.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Sunday 14th March 2021, 8:00am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,749 posts

I thought I could overcome my Beatles obsession. I should've known better.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Monday 15th March 2021, 12:37pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,749 posts

Lockdown is like anal. You go through a lot of shit.

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playfull

  • Tuesday 16th March 2021, 7:25pm
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,975 posts

In Breaking news...The Queen apologises as Meghan Markle is proven right, after pea found under mattress.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Sunday 28th March 2021, 8:18am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,749 posts

I don't know why people think that's so special. I've had a pea on my matress every morning.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Monday 29th March 2021, 8:19am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,749 posts

If you stare at two bright spots on a black and white photograph for ten minutes and then avert your gaze to the ceiling - you need a f**king hobby.

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Stephen Goodlad

  • Monday 29th March 2021, 8:51am
  • Mirfield, England
  • 4,112 posts

Iv'e heard there is a cure now for dyslexia.
It's music to my arse