British Comedy Guide

Tell us a joke Page 250

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Alfred J Kipper

  • Sunday 27th December 2020, 11:10am [Edited]
  • Aldershot, England
  • 6,428 posts

Ha ha. Someone I knew who hated cleaning hired a live in au pair for a year. I said Why did you spend thousands when it would've cost 20 quid for a cleaning lady to pop in? Then a 19 year old Swedish blond appeared with a mop in her hand. I said Au what a Pair.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Sunday 27th December 2020, 11:47am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,632 posts

My dad likes cleaning boys. They aren't so keen on it.

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Alfred J Kipper

  • Sunday 27th December 2020, 12:16pm
  • Aldershot, England
  • 6,428 posts

He said she hadn't quite got the hang of his Geordie accent, she asked what he wanted from her for Christmas and he ended up with ten pairs of socks.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Sunday 27th December 2020, 12:31pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,632 posts

My dad keeps going on about his dribbly arsehole. He can put a sock in it.

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Chappers

  • Sunday 27th December 2020, 3:07pm
  • Surreyish., England
  • 31,750 posts

This was a joke in a Christmas cracker.

Now can someone explain it to me? Am I being thick? Is it lost in translation? Or is it just really weak?

What kind of cough medicine does Dracula take?

Con medicine.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Sunday 27th December 2020, 3:13pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,632 posts

Made a date with a vampire but he wasn't on time. Must be the late Count Dracula.

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alison blunderland

  • Sunday 27th December 2020, 5:07pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 50 posts

A gunslinger is drinking at the bar of his local saloon when a stranger walks in and stands next to him. They start talking and the stranger asks the gunslinger his name.

'Terry' replies the gunslinger.

'That's a girl's name', says the stranger, with a laugh.

The gunslinger pulls his gun and shoots the stranger, who falls to the floor. The doctor rushes in, pronounces death and fills out the death certificate. Cause of death: Dissin' Terry.

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gappy

  • Sunday 27th December 2020, 5:52pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,128 posts
Quote: Chappers @ 27th December 2020, 3:07 PM

This was a joke in a Christmas cracker.

Now can someone explain it to me? Am I being thick? Is it lost in translation? Or is it just really weak?

What kind of cough medicine does Dracula take?

Con medicine.

I suspect it has got garbled, possibly in a factory in the far east. I'd imagine it's supposed to be a variant on the coffin/coughing gag.

I was once at a large event where the cheap crackers all had the answers mixed up on the jokes. Trying to work out what they should be was by far the most fun I've ever had from a Christmas cracker.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Sunday 27th December 2020, 7:44pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,632 posts

How do you get a guy to cross the road?
You don't! You get down from a duck!

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Tuesday 29th December 2020, 9:11am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,632 posts

What's the difference between LinkedIn and LinkedIn Premium? 20 quid a month.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Friday 1st January 2021, 12:00pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,632 posts

What does Roger Waters do? He waters!
What does Tom Waits do? He waits!
What does a gypsy do? F**k all. F**king gypsy innit.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Monday 4th January 2021, 3:24pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,632 posts

You have to get up pretty early in the morning to catch my dad out. He's a milkman.

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Definitely Tarby

  • Tuesday 5th January 2021, 2:50am
  • 2,169 posts
Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 4th January 2021, 3:24 PM

You have to get up pretty early in the morning to catch my dad out. He's a milkman.

That moment when you've just collapsed on your bed after a night out clubbing and minutes later you hear the faint sound of the milk float and know you're wasting your life. Having a f**king amazing social life in the process but still not wise.

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Stephen Goodlad

  • Thursday 7th January 2021, 8:55am
  • Mirfield, England
  • 3,995 posts

My small and errant grandson has tried to swallow the iPhone I got him for Christmas and now it's stuck in his throat.
I'll wring his f**king neck

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Thursday 7th January 2021, 11:27am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,632 posts

It was my son who bonked you. - Yer kiddin' me.