British Comedy Guide

Newsjack Series 21 rejects Page 7

Newsjack. Copyright: BBC.

Newsjack

Topical satirical sketch show on Radio 4 Extra. The programme has an 'open door' policy allowing anyone to submit material

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BTF

  • Friday 27th September 2019, 1:43pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 519 posts
Quote: Steev @ 27th September 2019, 11:09 AM

1. Theatre news, and "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat" is set to return to the Palladium next year. We all hoped we'd seen the last of Jason Donovan, but nevermind... any dream will do.

2. A strict mum has made her son's friends sign a contract before they're allowed to sleep over. When asked "Why?", the mother said simply, "Why? Why? Because I said so! That's why!"

3. Hundreds of conspiracy theorists have descended on Area 51, wearing their tin foil hats, in an attempt to find "them thar aliens", after the meme spread on the internet. While no one can find the source of the joke, the PR department of Bacofoil have been curiously silent.

Like them

Quote: skram @ 27th September 2019, 10:11 AM

My rejects:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Southwest Airlines apologised this week after one of their gate staff laughed at the name of a 5 year old passenger called Ab-si-dee, spelt "a-b-c-d-e" - "I'm Embarrassed ", said the girl's mother, "but you can call me Em for short".

2. Footage of people throwing large parcels over the wall at Bristol Prison has been condemned by justice secretary Robert Buckland who said "we've got to stop these prisoners ordering from Amazon".

3. Former boxing champ Carl Froch has claimed the earth is flat and NASA faked the moon landings, reinvigorating the age-old debate about whether to believe the world's top scientists and academics, or a man who gets punched in the head for a living.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for Walmart customers as the company announced it will stop selling e-cigarettes due to health concerns; it's been a good week for Walmart customers as the company announced a sale of 25% off all firearms.

2. It's been a bad week for 5 year old "Ab-si-dee", who was ridiculed for her name being spelt "a-b-c-d-e"; it's been a good week for her brother Juan Two-Three-Four-Five.

3. It's been a bad week for holidaymakers following the collapse of Thomas Cook; it's been a good week for producers of the new TV series "I'm a Package Tourist... Get Me Out Of Here!".

Like 2 and 3 BNs and 1 and 4 gwbs. Juan may not work on radio...

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Thosisd

  • Friday 27th September 2019, 6:24pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 287 posts

Here are this week's losers:

Microsoft boss warns that the rise of killer robots is unstoppable, before reciting the Terminator's iconic catchphrase, "I'll be back...after I'm switched off and on again."

Jamie Oliver's son has released his first cookery video. Viewers say that the young chef has inherited his Dad's charisma, kitchen skills and massive financial debt.

A new Alexa-style device will soon allow us to communicate with the dead. A spokesperson said, "it's a must-buy for people looking to hear from a recently deceased relative with the name David or James or Michael or maybe even...Steve?"

It's been a good week for the woman who found her missing dog, after quitting her job to search full-time for 57 days.

It's been a very good week for the dog, (PUPPY TALK) yes it has, yes it has been a good week!

It's been a bad week for Ancient Egypt after it was discovered that a single fart led to the death of 10,000 people.

It's been a good week for Donald, as he's no longer the worst Trump in history.

It's been a good week for the bereaved as a new Alexa-style device will soon allow them to communicate with deceased relatives.

But it's also been a bad week for them as it's hard enough to teach elderly relatives to use new technology whilst they're alive.

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BTF

  • Friday 27th September 2019, 7:14pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 519 posts
Quote: Thosisd @ 27th September 2019, 6:24 PM

Here are this week's losers:

Microsoft boss warns that the rise of killer robots is unstoppable, before reciting the Terminator's iconic catchphrase, "I'll be back...after I'm switched off and on again."

Jamie Oliver's son has released his first cookery video. Viewers say that the young chef has inherited his Dad's charisma, kitchen skills and massive financial debt.

A new Alexa-style device will soon allow us to communicate with the dead. A spokesperson said, "it's a must-buy for people looking to hear from a recently deceased relative with the name David or James or Michael or maybe even...Steve?"

It's been a good week for the woman who found her missing dog, after quitting her job to search full-time for 57 days.

It's been a very good week for the dog, (PUPPY TALK) yes it has, yes it has been a good week!

It's been a bad week for Ancient Egypt after it was discovered that a single fart led to the death of 10,000 people.

It's been a good week for Donald, as he's no longer the worst Trump in history.

It's been a good week for the bereaved as a new Alexa-style device will soon allow them to communicate with deceased relatives.

But it's also been a bad week for them as it's hard enough to teach elderly relatives to use new technology whilst they're alive.

Like your GWBWs and first BN

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Rood Eye

  • Friday 27th September 2019, 7:45pm
  • England
  • 3,852 posts
Quote: Thosisd @ 27th September 2019, 6:24 PM

It's been a good week for the woman who found her missing dog, after quitting her job to search full-time for 57 days.

It's been a very good week for the dog, (PUPPY TALK) yes it has, yes it has been a good week!

It's been a bad week for Ancient Egypt after it was discovered that a single fart led to the death of 10,000 people.

It's been a good week for Donald, as he's no longer the worst Trump in history.

It's been a good week for the bereaved as a new Alexa-style device will soon allow them to communicate with deceased relatives.

But it's also been a bad week for them as it's hard enough to teach elderly relatives to use new technology whilst they're alive.

Very good stuff - as good as anything else I've ever heard on NewsJack! Laughing out loud

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skram

  • Saturday 28th September 2019, 9:53am [Edited]
  • Dartmoor, England
  • 68 posts

The next stage of rejection therapy is to share the failed sketch:

Holiday Island With Bear Grylls

INTRO: Following the collapse of Thomas Cook, the government has assured tourists stranded abroad that they will be repatriated as soon as possible, raising concerns amongst ministers that the average package tourist wouldn't understand such a big word. But who will they get to rescue all those package tourists from their holiday islands?

FX - HELICOPTER

BEAR GRYLLS: We're taking 150,000 stranded tourists on a remote, inhospitable island in the Med, and turning the tables... can any of them escape from their all-inclusive holiday on Mallorca?

GRAMS - TREASURE ISLAND / BEAR GRYLLS INTRO

BEAR GRYLLS: These pampered tourists are used to everything being done for them. But we're going to see what happens now they have to fend for themselves... starting at breakfast.

JOAN: Barry, I feel weak, I haven't eaten a full English for nearly 12 hours.

BARRY: How in the name of Thomas Cook are we supposed to find our own breakfast without it being laid out in those little pre-heated silver dishes with everything labelled in English?!

BEAR GRYLLS: I've left enough food and drink around the restaurant for them to survive the rest of the morning.

JOAN: Wait, Barry, what's this... it's food, it looks like baked beans, oh my God we found beans!

BARRY: Yessss! Beans!

FX - BARRY AND JOAN ARE GAGGING AND REACHING AS THEY EAT THE BEANS

JOAN: Sweet Mary mother of Fleabag, what in the name of Beelzebub is this?!

BARRY: These aren't Heinz baked beans, they're some sort of foreign muck!

JOAN: Noooo, I can't go on any longer without processed British food!

BEAR GRYLLS: Luckily help is at hand as my emergency support team moves in to save them from the terror of Spanish omelette and paella.

FX - HELICOPTER

JOAN: Barry, Barry! My mouth is so dry... I don't think I could even lick a souvenir lollipop shaped like a willy...

BEAR GRYLLS: With Joan suffering from severe dehydration, I shake my head condescendingly and look on smugly from my five star hotel balcony. Meanwhile Joan is rushed straight to the airport for the first available flight home, not even stopping at Duty Free.

FX - AIRPLANE BACKGROUND NOISE

JOAN: (FEEBLE) So thirsty...

FX - SQUEAKY WHEELS OF A HOSTESS TROLLEY

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Can I get Madam something to drink?

JOAN: (FEEBLE) Just a cup of tea... English Breakfast Tea...

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: That will be ten pounds please.

BARRY: Ten pounds?! I know we needed rescuing but what sort of third world outfit is this?

FX - TANNOY BING-BONG

TANNOY: Welcome aboard today's flight on Ryan Air...

JOAN & BARRY: Argh!! Take us back!

END

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BTF

  • Saturday 28th September 2019, 12:14pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 519 posts
Quote: skram @ 28th September 2019, 9:53 AM

The next stage of rejection therapy is to share the failed sketch:

Holiday Island With Bear Grylls

INTRO: Following the collapse of Thomas Cook, the government has assured tourists stranded abroad that they will be repatriated as soon as possible, raising concerns amongst ministers that the average package tourist wouldn't understand such a big word. But who will they get to rescue all those package tourists from their holiday islands?

FX - HELICOPTER

BEAR GRYLLS: We're taking 150,000 stranded tourists on a remote, inhospitable island in the Med, and turning the tables... can any of them escape from their all-inclusive holiday on Mallorca?

GRAMS - TREASURE ISLAND / BEAR GRYLLS INTRO

BEAR GRYLLS: These pampered tourists are used to everything being done for them. But we're going to see what happens now they have to fend for themselves... starting at breakfast.

JOAN: Barry, I feel weak, I haven't eaten a full English for nearly 12 hours.

BARRY: How in the name of Thomas Cook are we supposed to find our own breakfast without it being laid out in those little pre-heated silver dishes with everything labelled in English?!

BEAR GRYLLS: I've left enough food and drink around the restaurant for them to survive the rest of the morning.

JOAN: Wait, Barry, what's this... it's food, it looks like baked beans, oh my God we found beans!

BARRY: Yessss! Beans!

FX - BARRY AND JOAN ARE GAGGING AND REACHING AS THEY EAT THE BEANS

JOAN: Sweet Mary mother of Fleabag, what in the name of Beelzebub is this?!

BARRY: These aren't Heinz baked beans, they're some sort of foreign muck!

JOAN: Noooo, I can't go on any longer without processed British food!

BEAR GRYLLS: Luckily help is at hand as my emergency support team moves in to save them from the terror of Spanish omelette and paella.

FX - HELICOPTER

JOAN: Barry, Barry! My mouth is so dry... I don't think I could even lick a souvenir lollipop shaped like a willy...

BEAR GRYLLS: With Joan suffering from severe dehydration, I shake my head condescendingly and look on smugly from my five star hotel balcony. Meanwhile Joan is rushed straight to the airport for the first available flight home, not even stopping at Duty Free.

FX - AIRPLANE BACKGROUND NOISE

JOAN: (FEEBLE) So thirsty...

FX - SQUEAKY WHEELS OF A HOSTESS TROLLEY

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Can I get Madam something to drink?

JOAN: (FEEBLE) Just a cup of tea... English Breakfast Tea...

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: That will be ten pounds please.

BARRY: Ten pounds?! I know we needed rescuing but what sort of third world outfit is this?

FX - TANNOY BING-BONG

TANNOY: Welcome aboard today's flight on Ryan Air...

JOAN & BARRY: Argh!! Take us back!

END

Really like the idea and punchline and intro and jokes. Wondered if could be more Bear Grylls type action and jokes as well as food maybe? Just a personal reaction which could be wrong. You could even maybe get away without the last sentence.

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TheTrashBat

  • Saturday 28th September 2019, 12:38pm
  • Dorset, United Kingdom
  • 76 posts

Limited internet access this week so I'm a bit late dumping these here.

BREAKING NEWS:

1. A study has found conclusive evidence that cats really can 'love' their owners. If your cat doesn't show it then the problem isn't them, it's you.
[This one made the show. Edited by NJ a bit. I wasn't even convinced I'd written a joke with this one, but I had an inkling NJ would like the feel of it.]

2. Four people have been rescued after getting trapped in a lift following a night out in Oldham. One commented "It was horrendous, we were so bored, all we wanted to do was get the hell out of there, then we went and got stuck in a lift."
[Bit obvious and.... meh.]

3. There has been a huge reaction to these emotional words from a 16 year old girl: "This is all wrong. I shouldn't be here, I should be back in school on the other side of the ocean. You have stolen my dreams and my childhood with your empty words. How dare you!". Thomas Cook responded via Twitter "Okay, okay, chill out, we'll get you back ASAP. Jeez. *eye rolling emoji* "
[Too long and up against a lot of competition. It killed two birds/stories with one stone though. And maybe I was just in the mood for having a dig at our new favourite teenager.]

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:

1. It's been a good week for a Chinese bride who panicked her groom had done a runner, but he was actually just stuck in a lift. It's been a bad week for her new husband who now wishes he'd tried harder to get out of it.
[Nothing to see here.]

2. It's a good week for Jeremy Corbyn who is currently flavour-of-the-month in the Labour Party. It's a bad week for the previous flavour of the month, although projections for next month suggest Rocky Road's ahead again.
[I was trying to shoehorn in a politics gag because NJ is quite politics heavy. I got bored of editing this and pretty much gave up on it knowing damn well it wasn't strong/funny/coherent enough to hit the target.]

3. It's a good week for cat lovers after a study revealed your cat actually loves you back! It's a bad week if your cat is missing, because you've lost that lovin' feline (woh-oh that lovin' feline).
[This was my favourite of the bunch and I thought it was better than the cat one above. I had high hopes they'd pick this one.]

I think GW/BW gags must have to be EXACTLY what they're looking for, because they only seem to have room for a handful of them at the end of the show. Breaking News gags stand a better chance, I reckon.

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BTF

  • Saturday 28th September 2019, 12:58pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 519 posts
Quote: TheTrashBat @ 28th September 2019, 12:38 PM

Limited internet access this week so I'm a bit late dumping these here.

BREAKING NEWS:

1. A study has found conclusive evidence that cats really can 'love' their owners. If your cat doesn't show it then the problem isn't them, it's you.
[This one made the show. Edited by NJ a bit. I wasn't even convinced I'd written a joke with this one, but I had an inkling NJ would like the feel of it.]

2. Four people have been rescued after getting trapped in a lift following a night out in Oldham. One commented "It was horrendous, we were so bored, all we wanted to do was get the hell out of there, then we went and got stuck in a lift."
[Bit obvious and.... meh.]

3. There has been a huge reaction to these emotional words from a 16 year old girl: "This is all wrong. I shouldn't be here, I should be back in school on the other side of the ocean. You have stolen my dreams and my childhood with your empty words. How dare you!". Thomas Cook responded via Twitter "Okay, okay, chill out, we'll get you back ASAP. Jeez. *eye rolling emoji* "
[Too long and up against a lot of competition. It killed two birds/stories with one stone though. And maybe I was just in the mood for having a dig at our new favourite teenager.]

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:

1. It's been a good week for a Chinese bride who panicked her groom had done a runner, but he was actually just stuck in a lift. It's been a bad week for her new husband who now wishes he'd tried harder to get out of it.
[Nothing to see here.]

2. It's a good week for Jeremy Corbyn who is currently flavour-of-the-month in the Labour Party. It's a bad week for the previous flavour of the month, although projections for next month suggest Rocky Road's ahead again.
[I was trying to shoehorn in a politics gag because NJ is quite politics heavy. I got bored of editing this and pretty much gave up on it knowing damn well it wasn't strong/funny/coherent enough to hit the target.]

3. It's a good week for cat lovers after a study revealed your cat actually loves you back! It's a bad week if your cat is missing, because you've lost that lovin' feline (woh-oh that lovin' feline).
[This was my favourite of the bunch and I thought it was better than the cat one above. I had high hopes they'd pick this one.]

I think GW/BW gags must have to be EXACTLY what they're looking for, because they only seem to have room for a handful of them at the end of the show. Breaking News gags stand a better chance, I reckon.

My feedback (as it seems to merge with your text so I am separating it):

I like 2 and 3 BN. Like the cat GWBW. Hope you don't mind me saying but I agree with your own analysis. The GWBW on cats was definitely funnier and stronger than the BN they chose. So strange. I genuinely do not get it.

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TheTrashBat

  • Saturday 28th September 2019, 1:13pm
  • Dorset, United Kingdom
  • 76 posts
Quote: BTF @ 28th September 2019, 12:58 PM

My feedback (as it seems to merge with your text so I am separating it):

I like 2 and 3 BN. Like the cat GWBW. Hope you don't mind me saying but I agree with your own analysis. The GWBW on cats was definitely funnier and stronger than the BN they chose. So strange. I genuinely do not get it.

Haha, I don't mind at all.
I quite enjoy the challenge of writing for Newsjack, it's such a mysterious creature.

In other news, I have been wondering whether a few of us should spin together a Youtube channel (NewsWhack? Auntie's Rejects?) to air some of the better jokes from here...

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skram

  • Saturday 28th September 2019, 1:14pm [Edited]
  • Dartmoor, England
  • 68 posts
Quote: BTF @ 28th September 2019, 12:14 PM

Really like the idea and punchline and intro and jokes. Wondered if could be more Bear Grylls type action and jokes as well as food maybe? Just a personal reaction which could be wrong. You could even maybe get away without the last sentence.

Thanks for the comments - to be honest I'd spent ages on 3 other sketches and then decided to ditch them all Monday morning when I thought of doing this Rolling eyes so it was a bit rushed ... probably could have added more Bear in there but was worried about length, NJ keep saying to keep it really short (but yes, last line superfluous really so I'm just contradicting myself there ha). Either way it's not what they're looking for so will have to persevere...

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TheTrashBat

  • Saturday 28th September 2019, 1:27pm
  • Dorset, United Kingdom
  • 76 posts
Quote: skram @ 28th September 2019, 9:53 AM

The next stage of rejection therapy is to share the failed sketch:

Holiday Island With Bear Grylls

INTRO: Following the collapse of Thomas Cook, the government has assured tourists stranded abroad that they will be repatriated as soon as possible, raising concerns amongst ministers that the average package tourist wouldn't understand such a big word. But who will they get to rescue all those package tourists from their holiday islands?

FX - HELICOPTER

BEAR GRYLLS: We're taking 150,000 stranded tourists on a remote, inhospitable island in the Med, and turning the tables... can any of them escape from their all-inclusive holiday on Mallorca?

GRAMS - TREASURE ISLAND / BEAR GRYLLS INTRO

BEAR GRYLLS: These pampered tourists are used to everything being done for them. But we're going to see what happens now they have to fend for themselves... starting at breakfast.

JOAN: Barry, I feel weak, I haven't eaten a full English for nearly 12 hours.

BARRY: How in the name of Thomas Cook are we supposed to find our own breakfast without it being laid out in those little pre-heated silver dishes with everything labelled in English?!

BEAR GRYLLS: I've left enough food and drink around the restaurant for them to survive the rest of the morning.

JOAN: Wait, Barry, what's this... it's food, it looks like baked beans, oh my God we found beans!

BARRY: Yessss! Beans!

FX - BARRY AND JOAN ARE GAGGING AND REACHING AS THEY EAT THE BEANS

JOAN: Sweet Mary mother of Fleabag, what in the name of Beelzebub is this?!

BARRY: These aren't Heinz baked beans, they're some sort of foreign muck!

JOAN: Noooo, I can't go on any longer without processed British food!

BEAR GRYLLS: Luckily help is at hand as my emergency support team moves in to save them from the terror of Spanish omelette and paella.

FX - HELICOPTER

JOAN: Barry, Barry! My mouth is so dry... I don't think I could even lick a souvenir lollipop shaped like a willy...

BEAR GRYLLS: With Joan suffering from severe dehydration, I shake my head condescendingly and look on smugly from my five star hotel balcony. Meanwhile Joan is rushed straight to the airport for the first available flight home, not even stopping at Duty Free.

FX - AIRPLANE BACKGROUND NOISE

JOAN: (FEEBLE) So thirsty...

FX - SQUEAKY WHEELS OF A HOSTESS TROLLEY

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Can I get Madam something to drink?

JOAN: (FEEBLE) Just a cup of tea... English Breakfast Tea...

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: That will be ten pounds please.

BARRY: Ten pounds?! I know we needed rescuing but what sort of third world outfit is this?

FX - TANNOY BING-BONG

TANNOY: Welcome aboard today's flight on Ryan Air...

JOAN & BARRY: Argh!! Take us back!

END

I enjoyed this sketch and I'm sure it could have made it onto the broadcast.
I've no advice to give (your sketch is nearer the mark than anything I've sent in) other than keep doing what you're doing, it looks Newsjacky to me :)

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Rood Eye

  • Saturday 28th September 2019, 1:43pm
  • England
  • 3,852 posts
Quote: TheTrashBat @ 28th September 2019, 1:27 PM

I enjoyed this sketch . . . I've no advice to give

I agree it's a funny sketch but I do have some advice to give:

There's a lot of dead wood growing around the funny stuff.

Prune it . . . with a chainsaw!

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Joe Oakes

  • Saturday 28th September 2019, 1:52pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 28 posts
Quote: TheTrashBat @ 28th September 2019, 1:13 PM

I have been wondering whether a few of us should spin together a Youtube channel (NewsWhack? Auntie's Rejects?) to air some of the better jokes from here...

There's already an alt-right NJ parody podcast called JewHacks. Probably.

Now that some time has passed since my latest rejection, I've been able to rationalise and put things into context, and I'm even angrier.

For the remaining weeks I'm going to be sending 6 jokes on the theme of the BBC being great at finding paedophiles in Bulgaria, but not so much on their on own doorstep. If they say that was last week's news, I'll switch it back on them and say 'try telling that to the victims'. I'll out-woke your arses if I have to.

And why have NJ avoided any jokes about the one thing that proves the Prince Andrew allegations to be true? Sorry to get over-dramatic, but I'm wounded and the glove puppets are off.

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Danno

  • Saturday 28th September 2019, 4:01pm
  • Azerbaijan
  • 307 posts

thanks for sharing your chortles, some cracking gags as always.

hope this doesn't come across as sour grapes but just listened to the show (i skip the sketches these days) and i have to say, seemed like a peculiarly low bar for the oneliners this week?

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Rood Eye

  • Saturday 28th September 2019, 8:18pm [Edited]
  • England
  • 3,852 posts
Quote: TheTrashBat @ 28th September 2019, 12:38 PM

1. A study has found conclusive evidence that cats really can 'love' their owners. If your cat doesn't show it then the problem isn't them, it's you.

That makes absolutely no sense - but it sounds funny!

Quote: TheTrashBat @ 28th September 2019, 12:38 PM

2. Four people have been rescued after getting trapped in a lift following a night out in Oldham. One commented "It was horrendous, we were so bored, all we wanted to do was get the hell out of there, then we went and got stuck in a lift."

That's a good joke but "went and" buggers up the rhythm.

Quote: TheTrashBat @ 28th September 2019, 12:38 PM

3. It's a good week for cat lovers after a study revealed your cat actually loves you back! It's a bad week if your cat is missing, because you've lost that lovin' feline (woh-oh that lovin' feline).

That is very good and any comedy writer in the world would be justifiably proud of it. The fact that it wasn't picked is a damning indictment of NewsJack's occasionally abysmal taste in comedy! Laughing out loud