British Comedy Guide

Newsjack Series 21 rejects Page 2

Newsjack. Copyright: BBC.

Newsjack

Topical satirical sketch show on Radio 4 Extra. The programme has an 'open door' policy allowing anyone to submit material

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Kenny Bania

  • Monday 16th September 2019, 10:09pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 235 posts

Quality material, Wishus. My favourite is the inorganic gin gwbw
Ashamed to say the BA one went over my head - I've never seen the A Team

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DeathbyMonkey

  • Monday 16th September 2019, 11:40pm
  • England
  • 708 posts

I'll have a look at everyone else's jokes tomorrow but this was my favourite of mine I submitted last week for those interested

Scientists are using snot exhaled by dolphins to better understand the health of pods off of the coast of Wales. Llanfairfechan, Abersoch and Criccieth are three noises dolphins make when they have a cold.

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BTF

  • Tuesday 17th September 2019, 7:23am [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 519 posts
Quote: DeathbyMonkey @ 16th September 2019, 11:40 PM

I'll have a look at everyone else's jokes tomorrow but this was my favourite of mine I submitted last week for those interested

Scientists are using snot exhaled by dolphins to better understand the health of pods off of the coast of Wales. Llanfairfechan, Abersoch and Criccieth are three noises dolphins make when they have a cold.

Ooh, gross, Death By Monkey....nasal bodily fluids. You could move words round and have the place names at the end of the sentence and request NJ say the place names in a dolphin with a cold voice? :D:D:D:D:D:D:D

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Wishus

  • Tuesday 17th September 2019, 7:49am
  • Northampton, England
  • 133 posts
Quote: BTF @ 17th September 2019, 7:23 AM

Ooh, gross, Death By Monkey....nasal bodily fluids. You could move words round and have the place names at the end of the sentence and request NJ say the place names in a dolphin with a cold voice? :D:D:D:D:D:D:D

I like it the surprise way round!

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BTF

  • Tuesday 17th September 2019, 7:52am [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 519 posts
Quote: BTF @ 17th September 2019, 7:23 AM

Ooh, gross, Death By Monkey....nasal bodily fluids. You could move words round and have the place names at the end of the sentence and request NJ say the place names in a dolphin with a cold voice? :D:D:D:D:D:D:D

I tried it aloud with the words at the end and I sounded like a Teletubby. Love your joke. Plus you could stick a dolphin sneeze on the end!

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DeathbyMonkey

  • Tuesday 17th September 2019, 12:11pm
  • England
  • 708 posts
Quote: Rood Eye @ 17th September 2019, 8:30 AM

It's a good joke but it really needs to end with ". . . when they sneeze".

Of course, it's never in a million years going to be used on NewsJack while a Welsh-speaker has any say in the matter.

The English have been laughing at the Welsh language for centuries and at one point were even doing their level best to stamp it out so it's not difficult to see how such a joke might cause offence in the Welsh community and also at the predominantly English but nowadays-very-diversity-conscious and ultra-PC BBC.

Cheers guys.

I try to keep jokes really clear on the page. There's quite a few ways you can write that joke, and I always decide to go for what I feel is the cleanest "this is the set-up, this is the punchline" structure. The last thing I want when they're reading through thousands of one-liners is to have to take 5 seconds or more for it to land because they've probably moved on to the next one.

There's one joke I submitted this week I spent 3 days rewriting on and off to find the simplest and clearest version of it

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rachel backland

  • Wednesday 18th September 2019, 9:02pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 1 posts

Helloo! I'm completely brand new to any kind of sketch writing or script writing, but I have always had a huge love for it. I decided this was the year to go for it really. Something about the state of the world at the minute got me thinking about out impending doom, which got me thinking to my own impending doom, which got me thinking shit, I'm really not here forever! Anyway here's my week one sketch . Always nervous to be critiqued of course but please go for it.

SKETCH 1 WEEK 1.

A Light Breakfast.

1. KIRI:
"It's been another turbulent few weeks for Boris Johnson
and the Tory party. Firstly, the Queen talked Boris into
getting a dog, much to the chagrin of the Number Ten
housekeeper, who is said to have been heard saying,
"well I'm not bloody walking it, I can tell you that now for
straight" before following up with an official statement
saying "Oh sod it, of course it'll be, we know it'll be me. It
always is." The day after, Boris said some really mean
things about Jeremy Corbyn, before swiftly apologising
after Elton John gave him a Snickers and made him realise

"he just isn't himself when he's hungry", and to top it all off
It seems the majority of the public are still massively
confused about Brexit and what's going on all day at The
Houses of Parliament, but could things be looking up for
our Prime Minister, who thinks he may have finally figured
out why that is so:"

2. GRAMS: NEWS THEME

3. BORIS: "And despite what Jeremy says, that's why I got
the doggo and not another cat."

4. FX: CHEERING

5. MP 1: "Here, here."
6. MP 2: "Cats don't even do any tricks."

7. BORIS: "Now 'e-woof' about all that.

8. FX: LONE ECHOEY COUGH

9. BORIS: "Onto the next very important point of the day.This is all still
a bit of a bloody stressful isn't it?"

10. FX: UNSETTLED CROWD

11. BORIS: "So I've been doing rather a lot of hard work and long night
thinking into why everyone's so bloody confused about all
this, and you'll all be glad to know I think I've finally found
out what's going on. "

12.FX: UNSETTLED CROWD

13. BORIS: "Yes they don't call me 'No nonsense' Johnson for nothing."

14. MP 3: "No one's ever called you that."

15. BORIS: "Yes well, I think my good friend Mogsy would disagree!
Eh Mogsy?"

16. FX: TERRIBLE SNORING

17. BORIS: "Anyway. The reason no one seems to know what's
going on, and why the public are getting so wound up
is that... the word Brexit sounds too much, like
breakfast...

18. FX: A BEAT OF SILENCE

19. BORIS: "...So everyone thinks we've been talking about

something else entirely, this whole time!"

20. FX: EXCITED CHATTER

21. MP 3: "Now what Teresa was saying kind of makes sense."

22. MP 2: "She wasn't ever talking about omelettes!"

23. BORIS: "Yes, exactly! Only yesterday the Housekeeper asked me
what I fancied for 'breakfast' this week and I said, 'oh
maybe something light & easy. She replied
"Anything French." And I told her "No way Jose, keep me
away from those flaky greasy pastries!"

24. MP 3: "Wait, wait, wait. So you're telling me the past few years
have all just been, a simple misunderstanding?"

25. BORIS: "Yes!"

26. FX: EXCITED CHATTER

27. MP 3: "So when May said "Breakfast means breakfast." She
meant, it meant Brexit and not like... Brunch.

28. BORIS: "No!

29. MP 1 : "And when she said "The Government cannot just be
consumed by Breakfast. There is so much more to do!"
She didn't just mean we couldn't just sit around all day,
eating bagels?"

30: BORIS: "Exactly chaps exactly! She actually meant, lets do some
bloody work on this EU thing!"

31. MP 2: By God, this changes everything.

32. BORIS: "I know! I've been going through old quotes all night, get
on this. When Farage said "The 23rd is our golden
opportunity, let Battenberg be joined." he actually said
"let battle be joined," He didn't mean any of it about
cake!"

33. FX: GASPING CROWD

34. Boris: " And when Donald Tusk said "The brutal truth is that
Breakfast will be a loss for all of us. There will be no
cakes on the table. For anyone. There will be only salt

and vinegar." Even that one was about Brexit and not
food!"

35. MP 2: "Someone needs to tell Jeremy!"

36. BORIS: "Well that's the thing gang, and this is the awkward part. I
believe he might already know."

37. MP 1: "What?!"

38. BORIS "Yeah this is so completely funny, you're all going to
have such a laugh. I think everyone already knows this
has all mostly been about Brexit and not breakfast, and
we've been the one's just getting it all fluffed up.

39. FX: UNSETTLED CROWD.

40. BORIS: Settle down everyone, calm down.

41. MP 1: "Calm down! What are we going to do about it?"

42. BORIS: "It's simple! We can now unite the people. We can unite
ourselves, All we have to do is change the name of the
whole thing! Put us all on the same plate, so to speak"

43. MP 2: "Genius"

44. MP 1: "How should we decide what to rename it all?"

45. BORIS: "Simple, we'll just give it to the people to vote on, they
love that kind of thing. They'll be delighted. Give them
something to do."

46. MP 3: "Do you really think that will work?"

47. BORIS: "Of course! plus once we tell them what's happened
I really really think everyone will just see the funny
side of it all, and we can all have a big laugh together.

48. FX: ASCENDING CLAPPING/CHEERING.

END.

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BTF

  • Wednesday 18th September 2019, 9:22pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 519 posts

Hi thanks for sharing. I only had time for a quick read. Nice premise. You have put a lot of nice sound effects in. Sketches with Boris are likely to be numerous so there will be a lot of competition. You could possibly hone the number of words a bit. Just struck me it may be too long and could do with a stronger punchline right at the end. Eg. maybe one possible suggestion is you could end at the point, 'Simples! We'll just give it to the people to vote on!'
There is a lot of information out there about writing for Newsjack, sketch length etc. Newsjack don't tend to use much swearing. I don't think you have to do the numbers unless you want to.

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Thosisd

  • Wednesday 18th September 2019, 10:22pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 287 posts

Here are my week one rejects:

A shop assistant in Japan used his amazing photographic memory to steal credit card numbers from over 1,000 customers...but somehow he still forgot our wedding anniversary.

A man has visited 15,000 Starbucks Coffee locations. His quest continues and one day he hopes to travel to a branch outside of the M25.

David Beckham was mocked by his wife Victoria after he stayed up until 3am building a Lego replica of Hogwarts. Beck's shrugged off the criticism, saying, "we'll see who's laughing when I get my tiny degree in wizardry!"

It's been a good week for pet owners after it was revealed that sleeping next to a dog has amazing health benefits.

It's been a bad week for me after I discovered my dog was actually a bloke dressed in a Scooby-Doo costume.

It's been a bad week for the women who found dozens of mushrooms growing in her ears.

It's been a good week for her husband who loves a bit of mushroom risotto.

It's been a good week for Primark who credited their profit growth on the opening of 14 new high street stores.

It's been a bad week for Primark's factory staff who now have have to work 14 days a week.

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BTF

  • Wednesday 18th September 2019, 10:30pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 519 posts
Quote: Thosisd @ 18th September 2019, 10:22 PM

Here are my week one rejects:

A shop assistant in Japan used his amazing photographic memory to steal credit card numbers from over 1,000 customers...but somehow he still forgot our wedding anniversary.

A man has visited 15,000 Starbucks Coffee locations. His quest continues and one day he hopes to travel to a branch outside of the M25.

David Beckham was mocked by his wife Victoria after he stayed up until 3am building a Lego replica of Hogwarts. Beck's shrugged off the criticism, saying, "we'll see who's laughing when I get my tiny degree in wizardry!"

It's been a good week for pet owners after it was revealed that sleeping next to a dog has amazing health benefits.

It's been a bad week for me after I discovered my dog was actually a bloke dressed in a Scooby-Doo costume.

It's been a bad week for the women who found dozens of mushrooms growing in her ears.

It's been a good week for her husband who loves a bit of mushroom risotto.

It's been a good week for Primark who credited their profit growth on the opening of 14 new high street stores.

It's been a bad week for Primark's factory staff who now have have to work 14 days a week.

Ooh gross... mushroom thingy... :D

Liked Starbucks one. Very good. Liked GWBWs.

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BTF

  • Wednesday 18th September 2019, 10:55pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 519 posts
Quote: DeathbyMonkey @ 17th September 2019, 12:11 PM

Cheers guys.

I try to keep jokes really clear on the page. There's quite a few ways you can write that joke, and I always decide to go for what I feel is the cleanest "this is the set-up, this is the punchline" structure. The last thing I want when they're reading through thousands of one-liners is to have to take 5 seconds or more for it to land because they've probably moved on to the next one.

There's one joke I submitted this week I spent 3 days rewriting on and off to find the simplest and clearest version of it

That's true dedication.

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Firkin

  • Thursday 19th September 2019, 8:13am
  • United Kingdom
  • 863 posts

@Thosisd like the Starbucks one.

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PJ PJ

  • Thursday 19th September 2019, 10:19am
  • United Kingdom
  • 6 posts

Some great stuff here. Love the A team one too!
I submitted 6 golden toilet related ones!

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BTF

  • Thursday 19th September 2019, 11:03am
  • United Kingdom
  • 519 posts
Quote: PJ PJ @ 19th September 2019, 10:19 AM

Some great stuff here. Love the A team one too!
I submitted 6 golden toilet related ones!

It did lend itself to jokes.
I bypassed it as it will be so popular but good luck!

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Thosisd

  • Thursday 19th September 2019, 7:53pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 287 posts

Here's this week's misses:

Over 600 people suffered surgical mishaps over the last year, including the unnecessary removal of body parts. One patient said "Mhhhfhh mffgh mffgh mfhh!"

Outrage after a low-security prison in Derbyshire is compared to a holiday camp. The warden is expected to deliver a statement, right after he's finished calling the bingo.

Scientists are examining what causes the human fight-or-flight response, after being challenged to by a group of bigger scientists.

It's been a good week for comic book fans as Marvel released an Iron Man post-credit scene 11 years after its original release.

It's been a bad week for the nerds who sat waiting in cinemas this entire time and REALLY need a wee.

It's been a bad week for Nicola Sturgeon after she was smashed in the head playing swingball.

It's been a good week for Andy Murray as his game-winning comeback continues.

It's been a good week for insomniacs after it was revealed that banana peel tea can improve sleep quality.

It's been a bad week for the man who slipped on his tea bag but a hilarious week for his family.