Newsjack Series 21 rejects

Newsjack. Copyright: BBC.

Newsjack

Topical satirical sketch show on Radio 4 Extra. The programme has an 'open door' policy allowing anyone to submit material

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BTF

  • Friday 13th September 2019, 9:00pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 392 posts

Any rejects anyone?

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TheTrashBat

  • Saturday 14th September 2019, 10:04am
  • Dorset, United Kingdom
  • 54 posts

Here are my submissions for week 1.

A survey has revealed that a fifth of Britons do not use the internet. This follows news earlier in the week that 20% of porn addicts are compulsive liars. [This one made the show. Which was very surprising}

US adventurer Victor Vescovo has become the first person to visit the deepest points in every ocean. His feat is already being challenged by 60 million Britons who found themselves at a new low this week.
[I had this one down as my best bet to get selected, I thought it seemed like the right vibe, but alas. My original punchline was - His feat is already being challenged by Boris Johnson who has plunged to new depths this week. - but I switched it because I was trying to avoid Boris stuff]

There's been a call this week to ban all wristwatches from exam rooms to prevent cheating. An investigation into one top performing student's watch found that it definitely had a hand in it.
[Bit daft, but last series I had a couple with a similar vibe make the script (but not broadcast)]

It's been a bad week for India who failed to land a spacecraft on the moon.
It's been a good week for Bollywood who are going to knock up an all singing, all dancing movie pretending they landed on the moon..... just like the Americans did.
[Long and clunky and generally a bit of a mess]

It's been a good week for Disney, who have signed a long-term contract with Pinewood studios.
It's been a bad week for Pinewood Studios who fear they may have taken on another Mickey Mouse company.
[Too obvious, but seemed worth a punt]

It's been a good week for Charlotte Church who is one step closer to opening up a school for 20 pupils inside her home.
It's been a bad week for her husband who fears the extra workload will mean he no longer gets to spend his Sunday afternoons in Church.
[The only one of my submissions which genuinely tickled me. I didn't think Newsjack would touch it.... but I liked it, at least. Should have edited it down to something more concise]

Looking forward to seeing what other people came up with :)

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BTF

  • Saturday 14th September 2019, 12:28pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 392 posts

[quote name="TheTrashBat" post="1210010" date="14th September 2019, 10:04 AM"]Here are my submissions for week 1.

A survey has revealed that a fifth of Britons do not use the internet. This follows news earlier in the week that 20% of porn addicts are compulsive liars. [This one made the show. Which was very surprising}

US adventurer Victor Vescovo has become the first person to visit the deepest points in every ocean. His feat is already being challenged by 60 million Britons who found themselves at a new low this week.
[I had this one down as my best bet to get selected, I thought it seemed like the right vibe, but alas. My original punchline was - His feat is already being challenged by Boris Johnson who has plunged to new depths this week. - but I switched it because I was trying to avoid Boris stuff]

There's been a call this week to ban all wristwatches from exam rooms to prevent cheating. An investigation into one top performing student's watch found that it definitely had a hand in it.
[Bit daft, but last series I had a couple with a similar vibe make the script (but not broadcast)]

It's been a bad week for India who failed to land a spacecraft on the moon.
It's been a good week for Bollywood who are going to knock up an all singing, all dancing movie pretending they landed on the moon..... just like the Americans did.
[Long and clunky and generally a bit of a mess]

It's been a good week for Disney, who have signed a long-term contract with Pinewood studios.
It's been a bad week for Pinewood Studios who fear they may have taken on another Mickey Mouse company.
[Too obvious, but seemed worth a punt]

It's been a good week for Charlotte Church who is one step closer to opening up a school for 20 pupils inside her home.
It's been a bad week for her husband who fears the extra workload will mean he no longer gets to spend his Sunday afternoons in Church.
[The only one of my submissions which genuinely tickled me. I didn't think Newsjack would touch it.... but I liked it, at least. Should have edited it down to something more concise]

Looking forward to seeing what other people came up with :)[/quote]

You analysed your own jokes well, TrashBat. For me, some of these are better than some on the show. I like the watch one. I like silly jokes. Church one funny. I bet they got loads of Church ones though. I can see you have a Newsjacky vibe going on here with some which I think I am yet to learn. I will post mine when I get on a laptop. I already know what is wrong with them but will post anyway.

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TheTrashBat

  • Saturday 14th September 2019, 4:56pm [Edited]
  • Dorset, United Kingdom
  • 54 posts
Quote: BTF @ 14th September 2019, 12:28 PM

You analysed your own jokes well, TrashBat. For me, some of these are better than some on the show. I like the watch one. I like silly jokes. Church one funny. I bet they got loads of Church ones though. I can see you have a Newsjacky vibe going on here with some which I think I am yet to learn. I will post mine when I get on a laptop. I already know what is wrong with them but will post anyway.

Cheers!

My original watch punchline was "Once confiscated, wristwatches are considered 'armless".
Who knows whether that would have done better. I doubt it :D

@RoodEye There was definitely a joke there somewhere. I'm not sure we've found it yet though Laughing out loud

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Kenny Bania

  • Saturday 14th September 2019, 6:48pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 134 posts

Thanks for starting this up, BTF. Currently a small, select band of the disappointed........but one day every reject will be posted here

A few of my latest duds :

An elephant has gone on the rampage at a Sri Lankan religious festival after discovering one of the worshippers came from the Ivory Coast

Donald Trump has cancelled a meeting with the taliban, after they said they'd grab hold of the pussy and send him back

GWBW

It was a bad week for strike hit passengers of British Airways, but a good week for Prince Harry, whose ghastly commercial flight was cancelled

It was a bad week for Boris Johnson, who failed twice in his bid to call a general election, but a very good week for Brenda from Bristol

( Actually Brenda did get a mention in the show, but not via this rather lame gwbw )

Trashbat - I like the Pinewood / Disney gwbw, and agree re the Charlotte Church one

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BTF

  • Saturday 14th September 2019, 8:26pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 392 posts

Kenny Bania flight one good. Maybe ivory one bit too subtle for radio... would NJ be wary of pussy jokes. Brenda one not lame.

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KevDP4L

  • Saturday 14th September 2019, 9:59pm
  • Belfast, Northern Ireland
  • 61 posts

Had been wondering yesterday afternoon where the obligatory rejects thread was (have enjoyed reading through people's rejects during the previous few series) so thanks for setting this up BTF! Already some good ones in here Trashbat and Kenny, nice work guys and congrats on getting one of yours into the show Trashbat!

As I expected all six of mine from last week ended up on the reject pile, so here they are:

Breaking News

1. Islamic State have started strapping explosive vests to cows in a new form of combat referred to as moo-acide bombing.

2. Actor Tom Hanks has claimed that people these days are too cynical, although personally I don't trust him.

3. A woman from Merseyside has married a tree in an attempt to stop it being cut down. The move has left developers stumped.

GWBW

1. It's been a bad week for an Australian journalist, who was accidentally charged £55,000 for a beer in a Manchester hotel.
It's been a good week for the hotel, who discovered their payment system is ready to cope with the inflation caused by a No-Deal Brexit.

2. It's been a good week for the first mum in Britain to have 10 boys in a row after she finally gave birth to a baby girl.
It's been a bad week for the dad, who still needs a goalie for his boys' football team.

3. It's been a bad week for Edinburgh Zoo after their sixth attempt to get their female panda pregnant ended in failure.
It's been a good week for the male panda who will take part in the seventh attempt.

The way things are shaping up this week, I'll no doubt be back with 6 more rejects after this Thrusday's show Laughing out loud

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BTF

  • Sunday 15th September 2019, 9:37am [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 392 posts
Quote: KevDP4L @ 14th September 2019, 9:59 PM

Had been wondering yesterday afternoon where the obligatory rejects thread was (have enjoyed reading through people's rejects during the previous few series) so thanks for setting this up BTF! Already some good ones in here Trashbat and Kenny, nice work guys and congrats on getting one of yours into the show Trashbat!

As I expected all six of mine from last week ended up on the reject pile, so here they are:

Breaking News

1. Islamic State have started strapping explosive vests to cows in a new form of combat referred to as moo-acide bombing.

2. Actor Tom Hanks has claimed that people these days are too cynical, although personally I don't trust him.

3. A woman from Merseyside has married a tree in an attempt to stop it being cut down. The move has left developers stumped.

GWBW

1. It's been a bad week for an Australian journalist, who was accidentally charged £55,000 for a beer in a Manchester hotel.
It's been a good week for the hotel, who discovered their payment system is ready to cope with the inflation caused by a No-Deal Brexit.

2. It's been a good week for the first mum in Britain to have 10 boys in a row after she finally gave birth to a baby girl.
It's been a bad week for the dad, who still needs a goalie for his boys' football team.

3. It's been a bad week for Edinburgh Zoo after their sixth attempt to get their female panda pregnant ended in failure.
It's been a good week for the male panda who will take part in the seventh attempt.

The way things are shaping up this week, I'll no doubt be back with 6 more rejects after this Thrusday's show Laughing out loud

KevDP4L, second BN has a Newsjacky feel maybe. Wondered if 'Personally, I don't trust a word he says' works better as rhythm flows more. Liked third BN as I really like puns. GWBW - like the angle of 1. Maybe a bit wordy, eg '....hotel - its payment system has added on inflation for a no deal Brexit' etc. 3 - could possibly build up more, eg he is looking forward to his seventh attempt. Could play on his lack of energy - as pandas don't seem to do much but eat bamboo. No offence to any pandas in the forum. Eg, been a worse week for the male panda who has to try a seventh time and is absolutely knackered.

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Danno

  • Sunday 15th September 2019, 12:31pm
  • Azerbaijan
  • 289 posts

Hey y'all

Great to be parked up in downtown rejectsville...where the neon lights don't work and the rubbish is piled high. Some funny efforts kicking about.

I only did two. This was possibly the funnier of the pair..how it didn't make the show I'll never know???? *winky face*

The fourth National Grave-Digging Championships have been held in Hungary...apparently this year's winner left his fellow competitors trailing in his wake.

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TheTrashBat

  • Sunday 15th September 2019, 11:21pm
  • Dorset, United Kingdom
  • 54 posts
Quote: BTF @ 15th September 2019, 1:00 PM

Hey Danno! Good to cyber-see you in rejects. Like the gag. Cannot suggest an improvement.

One of my failures. It is an obvious joke:

A 73 year old has given birth to twins, leading to concerns being raised about clumsy nappy-changing - but you can't expect those kind of skills from one week old babies.
( a bit obvious)

I love this joke!! Laughing out loud

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Wishus

  • Monday 16th September 2019, 9:32am [Edited]
  • Northampton, England
  • 108 posts

As always some of these are superb - and I think every single one where the poster has put too obvious - remember this is Newsjack. They like obvious. Not too obvious. Pretty obvious. It's that fine line. Plenty jokes here that coulda should woulda another time (moo-acide, the till overcharge, nappy changing). I'm going to be super open and share mine on my podcast too, and that will encourage me not to send in super duff ones to make up the numbers.

This is the only sketch I sent in, and I might record it with pals when I can too. There was another sketch on the show about Boris that used Pathe-style effects, so whatever else this sketch didn't have, they can't double down on the same cliché. But I still like it.

KIRI: It's September, which means the kids have gone back to school, there's a new season of Strictly and of course, it's time to pack your Emergency Grab Bag. What's this you ask? What am I supposed to need for emergencies beyond tea and chocolate Hobnobs? Well a government campaign called 30 Days 30 Ways says September is the ideal time to start thinking like Bear Grylls in the zombie apocalypse, and it just happens to coincide with the Get Ready for Brexit campaign, so that's not worrying at all. Sounds like Project Fear, travel edition. Don't worry, have rucksack, will not have to fight your neighbours for basic supplies! And this all begs the question, what's going in your Brexit grab bag?
GRAMS: PATHE NEWS WARTIME PROPAGANDA FILM MUSIC
PRESENTER: UK citizens. How prepared are you for a No-Deal Brexit? Do you have your grab bag at the ready?
PEOPLE: Yes, we're ready!
PRESENTER: Jolly glad to hear it. Now let's see, Madam. I trust you have such things in your bag as bottled water and a change of socks.
DOREEN: Oh no, I was told to pack things I might need in case of a No Deal Brexit. Only my medicine for depression is already in short supply so, I've had to pack an alternative.
PRESENTER: Which is?
DOREEN: Look inside!
FX: ZIPPING NOISE
PRESENTER: It's er... it's empty.
DOREEN: No, it's not empty. I reach inside, and it's... a hug!
PRESENTER: And do you feel better now?
DOREEN: Not really.
PRESENTER: And you, Madam. What have you packed in your bag? My goodness it's very heavy. Full of tinned food, I imagine.
POSH LADY: Not quite.
FX: ZIPPING NOISE
PRESENTER: My goodness, it's...
POSH LADY: Yes, it's a Waitrose.
PRESENTER: You have an entire Waitrose in your emergency grab bag?
POSH LADY: Only for essentials. The rest I'll just get from Harvey Nick's. Very handy being a disaster capitalist. I don't have to worry about not having anything.
PRESENTER: I see. Not got any morals in the bag?
POSH LADY: Absolutely none.
PRESENTER: And you, sir. What have you packed in your bag?
BORIS JOHNSON: I, I er, I've got plenty of good stuff in the bag I can tell you. I do not want a No Deal, far from it, but should the unlikely situation arise, there's sustenance aplenty in this haversack of mine. Oh no, my good man, don't open it!
FX: ZIPPING NOISE
PRESENTER: What's this. It's a folder stuffed full of... Boris Johnson's Proposal for a Deal to Leave the EU? You mean you had this on you the whole time?
BORIS: Er... Oh my goodness, some of you look really angry. I'd better run away now. Good job there are plenty of proper emergency grab bags about.
DOREEN: Hey, that's mine!
PRESENTER: Madam, count yourself lucky. That's serial philanderer Boris Johnson, at least he's only stolen a hug this time.
END

And these are my oneliners. I think the Dominic Cummings one is too long, but come on, Newsjack, spreadsheet Phil!

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Deselected Tory MP Phillip Hammond begs Boris Johnson for a job in toilet-training his new puppy so that he can retain his nickname "Spreadsheet Phil".
2. MPs have voiced their suspicions that Tory senior advisor Dominic Cummings may not be a genius just because Benedict Cumberbatch played him on TV, like Sherlock Holmes. Concerns were first raised when Cummings was seen staggering round the House of Commons, smashed out of his mind palace.
3. Exam chiefs have called for a ban on all watches in exam rooms due to the rise in use of smart watches which can be used for cheating. It's also very distracting when some students get up at ten to the hour to get in their 250 steps.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for motorists after a lorry carrying gin spilled its load and shut down the M6. It's been a good week for Lidl who have brought a new range of Inorganic Gin with notes of gravel and tarmac.
2. It has been a bad week for BA as strike action at British Airways threatened thousands of flights. It has been a good week for BA from the A-Team as he really didn't want to get on that plane.
3. It has been a bad week for the UK labour market after senior economist Ruth Gregory said, "Some small cracks are starting to appear." It has been a good week for fans of builders bums, as we have heard some small cracks are starting to appear.

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BTF

  • Monday 16th September 2019, 12:31pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 392 posts
Quote: Wishus @ 16th September 2019, 9:32 AM

As always some of these are superb - and I think every single one where the poster has put too obvious - remember this is Newsjack. They like obvious. Not too obvious. Pretty obvious. It's that fine line. Plenty jokes here that coulda should woulda another time (moo-acide, the till overcharge, nappy changing). I'm going to be super open and share mine on my podcast too, and that will encourage me not to send in super duff ones to make up the numbers.

This is the only sketch I sent in, and I might record it with pals when I can too. There was another sketch on the show about Boris that used Pathe-style effects, so whatever else this sketch didn't have, they can't double down on the same cliché. But I still like it.

KIRI: It's September, which means the kids have gone back to school, there's a new season of Strictly and of course, it's time to pack your Emergency Grab Bag. What's this you ask? What am I supposed to need for emergencies beyond tea and chocolate Hobnobs? Well a government campaign called 30 Days 30 Ways says September is the ideal time to start thinking like Bear Grylls in the zombie apocalypse, and it just happens to coincide with the Get Ready for Brexit campaign, so that's not worrying at all. Sounds like Project Fear, travel edition. Don't worry, have rucksack, will not have to fight your neighbours for basic supplies! And this all begs the question, what's going in your Brexit grab bag?
GRAMS: PATHE NEWS WARTIME PROPAGANDA FILM MUSIC
PRESENTER: UK citizens. How prepared are you for a No-Deal Brexit? Do you have your grab bag at the ready?
PEOPLE: Yes, we're ready!
PRESENTER: Jolly glad to hear it. Now let's see, Madam. I trust you have such things in your bag as bottled water and a change of socks.
DOREEN: Oh no, I was told to pack things I might need in case of a No Deal Brexit. Only my medicine for depression is already in short supply so, I've had to pack an alternative.
PRESENTER: Which is?
DOREEN: Look inside!
FX: ZIPPING NOISE
PRESENTER: It's er... it's empty.
DOREEN: No, it's not empty. I reach inside, and it's... a hug!
PRESENTER: And do you feel better now?
DOREEN: Not really.
PRESENTER: And you, Madam. What have you packed in your bag? My goodness it's very heavy. Full of tinned food, I imagine.
POSH LADY: Not quite.
FX: ZIPPING NOISE
PRESENTER: My goodness, it's...
POSH LADY: Yes, it's a Waitrose.
PRESENTER: You have an entire Waitrose in your emergency grab bag?
POSH LADY: Only for essentials. The rest I'll just get from Harvey Nick's. Very handy being a disaster capitalist. I don't have to worry about not having anything.
PRESENTER: I see. Not got any morals in the bag?
POSH LADY: Absolutely none.
PRESENTER: And you, sir. What have you packed in your bag?
BORIS JOHNSON: I, I er, I've got plenty of good stuff in the bag I can tell you. I do not want a No Deal, far from it, but should the unlikely situation arise, there's sustenance aplenty in this haversack of mine. Oh no, my good man, don't open it!
FX: ZIPPING NOISE
PRESENTER: What's this. It's a folder stuffed full of... Boris Johnson's Proposal for a Deal to Leave the EU? You mean you had this on you the whole time?
BORIS: Er... Oh my goodness, some of you look really angry. I'd better run away now. Good job there are plenty of proper emergency grab bags about.
DOREEN: Hey, that's mine!
PRESENTER: Madam, count yourself lucky. That's serial philanderer Boris Johnson, at least he's only stolen a hug this time.
END

And these are my oneliners. I think the Dominic Cummings one is too long, but come on, Newsjack, spreadsheet Phil!

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Deselected Tory MP Phillip Hammond begs Boris Johnson for a job in toilet-training his new puppy so that he can retain his nickname "Spreadsheet Phil".
2. MPs have voiced their suspicions that Tory senior advisor Dominic Cummings may not be a genius just because Benedict Cumberbatch played him on TV, like Sherlock Holmes. Concerns were first raised when Cummings was seen staggering round the House of Commons, smashed out of his mind palace.
3. Exam chiefs have called for a ban on all watches in exam rooms due to the rise in use of smart watches which can be used for cheating. It's also very distracting when some students get up at ten to the hour to get in their 250 steps.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for motorists after a lorry carrying gin spilled its load and shut down the M6. It's been a good week for Lidl who have brought a new range of Inorganic Gin with notes of gravel and tarmac.
2. It has been a bad week for BA as strike action at British Airways threatened thousands of flights. It has been a good week for BA from the A-Team as he really didn't want to get on that plane.
3. It has been a bad week for the UK labour market after senior economist Ruth Gregory said, "Some small cracks are starting to appear." It has been a good week for fans of builders bums, as we have heard some small cracks are starting to appear.

I liked the first breaking news on Spreadsheet Phil. Could have gone on the show. Liked the first GWBW. Your sketch was an interesting one. They probably did not get any quite like that. Thought your punchline was strong. You could possibly shorten the intro slightly. They may cut it down but I guess if they don't have to, it helps.

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Steev

  • Monday 16th September 2019, 3:58pm
  • England
  • 48 posts
Quote: Wishus @ 16th September 2019, 9:32 AM


2. It has been a bad week for BA as strike action at British Airways threatened thousands of flights. It has been a good week for BA from the A-Team as he really didn't want to get on that plane.

I pity the fool that didn't broadcast this one! Sucker!

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Danno

  • Monday 16th September 2019, 5:32pm [Edited]
  • Azerbaijan
  • 289 posts

Gr8 gag!!! they could have done the BA voice too. WTF Newsjack??? ;)

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BTF

  • Monday 16th September 2019, 5:46pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 392 posts
Quote: Danno @ 16th September 2019, 5:32 PM

Gr8 gag!!! they could have done the BA voice too. WTF Newsjack??? ;)

I misread the gag first time. Very witty. Missed out there Newsjack! It was an 80s series. May explain it...