British Comedy Guide

Newsjack Series 21 rejects Page 9

Newsjack. Copyright: BBC.

Newsjack

Topical satirical sketch show on Radio 4 Extra. The programme has an 'open door' policy allowing anyone to submit material

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Kenny Bania

  • Thursday 3rd October 2019, 9:55pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 235 posts

The latest attempts in this cathartic process :

An Italian celebrity has been arrested for possessing cannabis. He claimed a rival chef had grassed him up

Over 400 people named Nigel have met up at a country pub in a celebration of their name. Next week they will all be guests of The Great British Bake Off, when contestants will be baking flans for Nigel

A Southern European species of wasp has been discovered in Warwickshire. When questioned, the wasp said he was here for the stinging jobs that British wasps were unwilling to do

It's been a bad week for a fugitive in China who was discovered living in a cave after 17 years on the run. It's been a good week for Hong Kong chief executive Carrie Lam, who now has somewhere to lie low for a while

It was a good week for Cambridge University who got back a library book borrowed 60 years ago. It was a bad week for the student who still only received a C for his essay

It was a good week for Cambridge University who got back a library book borrowed 60 years ago. But a bad week to be putting the book 'Women - know your limits and shut up' back on the shelves

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Rood Eye

  • Thursday 3rd October 2019, 11:37pm [Edited]
  • England
  • 3,852 posts
Quote: Kenny Bania @ 3rd October 2019, 9:55 PM

It was a good week for Cambridge University who got back a library book borrowed 60 years ago. But a bad week to be putting the book 'Women - know your limits and shut up' back on the shelves

That's a good joke but it doesn't strike me as one the BBC would be particularly keen to broadcast in 2019.

It's surprising really because I'm sure the editorial team at NewsJack are sufficiently well versed in the history of British education to know that, until 1957, both Oxford and Cambridge universities operated a quota system limiting the total number of women students and therefore, at the time the book was last on the shelves, there would have been women students at Cambridge who had been accepted under the very philosophy the book was written to disseminate.

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Donny Afternoon

  • Friday 4th October 2019, 3:21am
  • England
  • 94 posts

Enjoyed these ones:

US opera singer Jessye Norman has died at the age of 74. Her funeral is expected to go on... forever as 'it ain't over till fat lady sings'

Victor Meldrew's catchphrase "I don't believe it!" has been voted the UK's favourite in a poll. Surprised by the result, the sitcom's star, Richard Wilson reacted by saying, (DEL BOY VOICE) "Lovely Jubbly!"

A Chinese fugitive, on the run for 17 years, has been found living in a cave. He hopes to persuade a judge and jury that he's finally seen the light.

Over 400 people named Nigel have met up at a country pub in a celebration of their name. Next week they will all be guests of The Great British Bake Off, when contestants will be baking flans for Nigel

Here are my rejects. They did a joke similar to my first breaking news.

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Facebook is trialling the removal of the 'like' button in Australia. It's still unknown how many Australians are in favour of the move.
2. Sandra, the orangutang, relocated to the US after being granted the same legal rights as humans. She begged to return to her Argentina zoo after seeing how they treat immigrants.
3. Bill Murray was involved in a four-vehicle crash while in Scotland to take part in the Dunhill Links golf tournament. No holes-in-one, but there were dents in four.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It was a bad week for a Texas man who had a lawsuit brought against him after he farted in his subordinate's office to assert dominance.
It was a good week for me, as I realised I am dominant in bed.
2. It was a bad week for sports company Asics, as pornography played on their shop advertising screens for hours.
It was a good week for female shoppers, whose husbands were refreshingly encouraging about trying on another pair of shoes.
3. It was a good week for a woman in Cardiff who found decades old Beatle material in her bread bin.
It was a bad week for her house guests as her sandwiches tasted really off.

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Kenny Bania

  • Friday 4th October 2019, 8:10am
  • United Kingdom
  • 235 posts
Quote: Donny Afternoon @ 4th October 2019, 3:21 AM

Enjoyed these ones:

US opera singer Jessye Norman has died at the age of 74. Her funeral is expected to go on... forever as 'it ain't over till fat lady sings'

Victor Meldrew's catchphrase "I don't believe it!" has been voted the UK's favourite in a poll. Surprised by the result, the sitcom's star, Richard Wilson reacted by saying, (DEL BOY VOICE) "Lovely Jubbly!"

A Chinese fugitive, on the run for 17 years, has been found living in a cave. He hopes to persuade a judge and jury that he's finally seen the light.

Over 400 people named Nigel have met up at a country pub in a celebration of their name. Next week they will all be guests of The Great British Bake Off, when contestants will be baking flans for Nigel

Here are my rejects. They did a joke similar to my first breaking news.

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Facebook is trialling the removal of the 'like' button in Australia. It's still unknown how many Australians are in favour of the move.
2. Sandra, the orangutang, relocated to the US after being granted the same legal rights as humans. She begged to return to her Argentina zoo after seeing how they treat immigrants.
3. Bill Murray was involved in a four-vehicle crash while in Scotland to take part in the Dunhill Links golf tournament. No holes-in-one, but there were dents in four.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It was a bad week for a Texas man who had a lawsuit brought against him after he farted in his subordinate's office to assert dominance.
It was a good week for me, as I realised I am dominant in bed.
2. It was a bad week for sports company Asics, as pornography played on their shop advertising screens for hours.
It was a good week for female shoppers, whose husbands were refreshingly encouraging about trying on another pair of shoes.
3. It was a good week for a woman in Cardiff who found decades old Beatle material in her bread bin.
It was a bad week for her house guests as her sandwiches tasted really off.

Didn't see this story, but particularly like the first GWBW .....on this criteria I too meet the dominance test

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Steev

  • Friday 4th October 2019, 11:59am
  • England
  • 48 posts

BREAKING NEWS:

1. Rumours in the entertainment world this week suggest that Keanu Reeves is to play a superhero in the Marvel universe. His superpower is said to be "being Keanu Reeves"

2. Designers have added AI to new toilets that will scan your poop to diagnose your ailments. It keeps a log of each user; to avoid the NHS getting bogged down. (With crap.)

3. This week, Elon Musk has shown off a mighty rocket designed to carry astronauts to Mars. Tall, shiny, and phallic-looking, Elon Musk is 48.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:

1. It's been a good week for Spitting Image fans as the show is set to return after 23 years.
It's been a bad week for Spitting Image writers, who are too busy holding a chicken in the air, whilst removing a deck chair from up their nose.

2. It's been a bad week for Boris Johnson who is said to have "women problems"
It's been a good week for Jay-Z, as he now has a follow-up single.

3. It's been a good week for supporters of Britain's first black magistrate, Eric Irons, as he was commemorated with a plaque in Nottingham this week.
It's been a bad week for Justin Trudeau. Who wasn't.

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Exe Chris

  • Friday 4th October 2019, 1:37pm
  • Exeter, England
  • 78 posts

My weak efforts this week; I thought I sent 3 GWBWs but there was only 2 on my email so not sure what happened there:
BREAKING NEWS:
1. Reports say the Government are 'looking seriously' at making children's vaccines compulsory. A campaigner for vaccinations said it was a shot in the arm.
2. Sports company Asics has apologised after screens outside a store in Auckland showed pornography for several hours. A spokesman warned that anyone who watched it would get an unreasonable expectation of a personal trainer.
3. Speaker and MPs agree to use moderate language if that's ok?

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a good week for Denise Welch after she shared her touching stories about fighting depression.
It's been a bad week for Boris Johnson after someone else shared his touching stories.
2. It's been a good week for internet users as the Government announce £5 billion to boost UK broadband.
It's been a bad week for breakfast cereal producers as they were originally excited by the thought of 'Full Fibre'

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LateDentArthurDent

  • Friday 4th October 2019, 1:45pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 8 posts

We got a joke on this week, but here are the ones that didn't make it:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Samuel L Jackson has been revealed as the latest voice for a popular river-basin associated virtual assistant. When asked if he needed to tone down his language for the role, he said it would be fine, provided stupid mother huggers didn't ask stupid brother-plucking questions.

2. Researchers have discovered bacteria that 'stripteases' to evade anti-biotics. Speaking to journalists, Boris Johnson assured voters the bacteria is just a good friend.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for air passengers who were delayed by a hedgehog on the runway. It's been a good week for opponents of sonic booms near airports.

2. It's been a good week for a former marine who became the first person to drink a sour toe cocktail containing their own severed toe. It's been a bad week for the bartender who collected the tip.

3. It's been a good week for slow readers, after Cambridge University Library forgave a four-thousand-pound late fee. It's been a bad week for the generous worker who forgave the fine, who is a good librarian, but a very bad book-keeper.

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Kenny Bania

  • Friday 4th October 2019, 1:54pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 235 posts
Quote: LateDentArthurDent @ 4th October 2019, 1:45 PM

We got a joke on this week, but here are the ones that didn't make it:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Samuel L Jackson has been revealed as the latest voice for a popular river-basin associated virtual assistant. When asked if he needed to tone down his language for the role, he said it would be fine, provided stupid mother huggers didn't ask stupid brother-plucking questions.

2. Researchers have discovered bacteria that 'stripteases' to evade anti-biotics. Speaking to journalists, Boris Johnson assured voters the bacteria is just a good friend.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for air passengers who were delayed by a hedgehog on the runway. It's been a good week for opponents of sonic booms near airports.

2. It's been a good week for a former marine who became the first person to drink a sour toe cocktail containing their own severed toe. It's been a bad week for the bartender who collected the tip.

3. It's been a good week for slow readers, after Cambridge University Library forgave a four-thousand-pound late fee. It's been a bad week for the generous worker who forgave the fine, who is a good librarian, but a very bad book-keeper.

I like all the gwbw's - could see any of these being used. What oneliner did you get on ?

And is the that the royal 'we' or are you part of a writing team ?

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TheTrashBat

  • Friday 4th October 2019, 2:01pm
  • Dorset, United Kingdom
  • 76 posts

Some good gags here, a few that jumped out:

Quote: Danno @ 3rd October 2019, 6:34 PM

Tory health secretary Matt Hancock is said to be considering compulsory vaccination of schoolchildren. He wants youngsters to be immune from all four of the big illnesses; measles, mumps, rubella and socialism.

Quote: Donny Afternoon @ 4th October 2019, 3:21 AM

1. It was a bad week for a Texas man who had a lawsuit brought against him after he farted in his subordinate's office to assert dominance.
It was a good week for me, as I realised I am dominant in bed.

Quote: Steev @ 4th October 2019, 11:59 AM

3. This week, Elon Musk has shown off a mighty rocket designed to carry astronauts to Mars. Tall, shiny, and phallic-looking, Elon Musk is 48.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:

1. It's been a good week for Spitting Image fans as the show is set to return after 23 years.
It's been a bad week for Spitting Image writers, who are too busy holding a chicken in the air, whilst removing a deck chair from up their nose.

Just listened to the show. There were a couple of one-liners that stood out, but also it seemed like quite a few hardly got a laugh at all. Quite justifiably!

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LateDentArthurDent

  • Friday 4th October 2019, 2:08pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 8 posts
Quote: Kenny Bania @ 4th October 2019, 1:54 PM

I like all the gwbw's - could see any of these being used. What oneliner did you get on ?

And is the that the royal 'we' or are you part of a writing team ?

Thanks! I have a writing partner, but I also often use the royal we so we are confused a lot.

The one that got on was 'A survey has found Mothers with controlling voices are more likely to cause arguments, while Daddies with controlling voices are more likely to get my phone number.'

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Yacob Wingnut

  • Friday 4th October 2019, 2:46pm [Edited]
  • England
  • 705 posts

My rejections this week:

ONELINERS

BREAKING NEWS:

1. New drug developed for prostate cancer. Proponents and critics of the drug both say you can shove it up your arse.

2. Boris Johnson under fire for allegedly squeezing the thigh of a Sunday Times journalist. Many are disgusted with the behaviour - Who could write for The Sunday Times!?

3. Officials warn against skin-whitening creams. They can cause depression, liver damage and cancer, and even worse, a fondness for the Daily Express, bowls and Ed Sheeran.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:

1. It's been a bad week for Conservatives, as Boris Johnson is in trouble for allegedly touching a woman's thigh.
It's been a good week for Conservatives, as this is the first time anything a Conservative's done has been described as "touching".

2. It's been a bad week for Conservatives, as unpaid Thomas Cook staff protest at the Conservative Party conference.
It's been a good week for Conservatives, because if Brexit goes wrong the Conservatives will need their advice on fleeing the country.

3. It's been a good week for civility, as MPs and the Speaker decide they must use polite language in parliament.
It's been a bad week for MPs who can no longer be called upon, namely: Layla Moran, Simon Hoare and Geoffrey Cox.

Feel free to critique.

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johnfromsoho

  • Friday 4th October 2019, 2:53pm
  • Soho, England
  • 43 posts

BREAKING NEWS:
1. An inflatable Boris Johnson has been spotted above the Conservative Party Conference in Manchester. The gas filled attention seeking device has so far not commented on the blimp.
2. Dominic Cummings' wife denied that she was the second woman whose thigh Boris Johnson had squeezed. More bizarrely she hasn't denied being married to Dominic Cummings.
3. A survey has found that the average person spent £70.69 on a night out or as Londoners call it a quick pint.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. Good news this week Chancellor Sajid Javid has pledged to raise the National Living Wage to £10.50 within the next five years. Bad News this week That's £10.50 per week.
2. Good news this week politicians in Westminster parties agree to 'use moderate language Bad News this week Boris Johnson will be resorting to Cripes, Lawks & lummy with a final Wiff-waff!

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skram

  • Friday 4th October 2019, 3:48pm
  • Dartmoor, England
  • 68 posts

Here are my rejected one-liiners:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Concerns that a "Hard Brexit" will lead to a shortage of toilet rolls have been eased by the news that it will also lead to a shortage of fresh fruit and vegetables.

2. Organisers of a Virtual Reality conference hosted by Facebook were disappointed when nobody showed up in person.

3. After announcing his retirement as Speaker of the House Of Commons, John Bercow was spotted celebrating at a French restaurant where he had HORS D'OEUVRE, HORS D'OEUVRE!

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for Sports company Asics after hackers showed porn on screens at their store in New Zealand; it's been a good week for Asics as sales rocketed. [cruder version: "it's been a good week for Asics as a record number of customers came in their store."]

2. It's been a good week for Facebook at a Virtual Reality conference where they announced a world where people can chat, mingle and even play games together; it's been a bad week for the delegates who were told it's called "The Real World, Get A Life".

3. It's been a bad week for a young family that was terrorised by a huge wild cat that tried to eat their toy horse; it's been a good week for Thomas Cook executive Peter Fankhausen who is no longer the country's greediest fat cat.

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Yacob Wingnut

  • Friday 4th October 2019, 3:58pm
  • England
  • 705 posts
Quote: skram @ 4th October 2019, 3:48 PM

Here are my rejected one-liiners:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Concerns that a "Hard Brexit" will lead to a shortage of toilet rolls have been eased by the news that it will also lead to a shortage of fresh fruit and vegetables.

2. Organisers of a Virtual Reality conference hosted by Facebook were disappointed when nobody showed up in person.

3. After announcing his retirement as Speaker of the House Of Commons, John Bercow was spotted celebrating at a French restaurant where he had HORS D'OEUVRE, HORS D'OEUVRE!

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for Sports company Asics after hackers showed porn on screens at their store in New Zealand; it's been a good week for Asics as sales rocketed. [cruder version: "it's been a good week for Asics as a record number of customers came in their store."]

2. It's been a good week for Facebook at a Virtual Reality conference where they announced a world where people can chat, mingle and even play games together; it's been a bad week for the delegates who were told it's called "The Real World, Get A Life".

3. It's been a bad week for a young family that was terrorised by a huge wild cat that tried to eat their toy horse; it's been a good week for Thomas Cook executive Peter Fankhausen who is no longer the country's greediest fat cat.

I like all of these.

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KevDP4L

  • Friday 4th October 2019, 4:31pm
  • Belfast, Northern Ireland
  • 71 posts

Here's my weekly rejects - I think it's fair to say I struggled a bit this week!

Breaking News:
1. A couple in Ecuador have fallen from a third floor balcony while having sex, emphasising the dangers of not practicing safe sex.
2. A study has claimed that there is no evidence red meat is bad for your health, however it also noted that too much gammon can lead to other problems such as Brexit.
3. Fray Bentos have released their first vegan steak and kidney pie. Food critics have praised the pie, saying they never knew vegans tasted so delicious.

GWBW:
1. It's been a bad week for people living in the city, after a new study revealed that living by the sea makes you happier.
It's been a good week for the inmates at Guantanamo Bay, who continue to enjoy their ocean views.
2. It's been a good week for wrestling fans, after Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson announced he would be returning to the WWE.
But it's also been a bad week for wrestling fans, because their parents won't let them stay up late to watch it.