WEEK 2 - Apparently one of these made the script / recording but was led around to the back of the stables and shot in the head before broadcast. Probably for the best. It must have been in tremendous pain.
1. Instagram has apologised after a photo of a fishmongers shop window was mistakenly censored for offensive content. An investigation concluded that there was no prawnographic material on display. [AUTHOR: Wah wah]
2. Researchers at Dundee University have discovered that hunger leads to poorer decision-making, which explains the continued success of the Greggs chicken tikka pasty. [EDITOR: Is that actually a th--] [AUTHOR: Don't know, don't care.]
3. Sarah Thomas has become the first person to swim the English Channel four times in a row. She is now poised to take over as Britain's national ferry service in the event of a no-deal Brexit.
GOOD WEEK / BAD WEEK
1. It's been a bad week for a man in Auckland who brought a clown to his own redundancy meeting for emotional support. It's been a good week for the clown, who was allowed to keep his suspiciously small company car.
2. It's been a good week for Sainsbury's, which has announced plans to halve plastic packaging by 2025. It's been a bad week for Sainsbury's employees, who will have to sweep up an awful lot of cereal. [AUTHOR: I hate this one so, so much.]
3. It's been a bad week for racing fans after a huge brawl erupted at a meeting at Doncaster. It's been a good week for the punters who had seven to two on the lad in the blue waistcoat getting the bald one in a headlock. [EDITOR: Hey, what was that you were saying earlier about horses? I wasn't really paying attention.] [AUTHOR: Hmmm? Oh... nothing. Forget it. Just a needless artistic flourish. Exactly the sort of thing that Newsjack really likes.] [EDITOR: I think you just dislocated an eyeball with that sarcasm.] [AUTHOR: Nah, mate. My eyes are like Limp Bizkit. They just keep rollin'.] [AUTHOR : That's a solid pop culture reference right there. From nineteen f***ing years ago.]