British Comedy Guide

Newsjack Series 21 rejects Page 11

Newsjack. Copyright: BBC.

Newsjack

Topical satirical sketch show on Radio 4 Extra. The programme has an 'open door' policy allowing anyone to submit material

Avatar

Rood Eye

  • Sunday 6th October 2019, 11:04am [Edited]
  • England
  • 3,852 posts
Quote: Thosisd @ 6th October 2019, 10:34 AM

I'm sure the good stuff gets noticed.

I doubt it, because that's not how life works.

It's not how death works either.

When I arrive at the pearly gates and St Peter is eyeing me suspiciously as he scrolls through page after page after page of my sins, I'll be saying "Okay, okay, but what about all the good stuff I did?"

He'll then explain that I might very well have done some good stuff but there's such an enormous volume of bad stuff that almost all the good stuff, even if it exists, is buried out of sight.

I'll point out that that is completely unfair but he won't hear me because he'll already have pressed a button to send me plummeting downwards.

Avatar

Danno

  • Sunday 6th October 2019, 11:38am [Edited]
  • Azerbaijan
  • 307 posts

...considering the volume of submissions you'd expect the standard to be somewhere near gleaming. as someone who these days cheats and fast forwards to the oneliners, it strikes me as a rather oddball season so far with limited armchair sniggers. I don't expect to get picked, but i do expect to be begrudgingly impressed. all sounds like sour raisins, but how is it a good thing that most of us are trying to write dopier gags in an uncomfortable bid to get a credit on the show? perhaps it's a clever way of keeping everyone submitting, suspending us in a state of 'i could do better'? i remain very fond of the all-embracing conviction and the 'come 'n' av a go if u fink yer funny enough' spirit behind Newsjack - despite its limitations and all my crotchetyness.Whistling nnocently

Avatar

Joe Oakes

  • Sunday 6th October 2019, 12:06pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 28 posts

I suspect the show has been instructed to avoid anything even vaguely controversial, post-Jo Brand backlash.

Doesn't explain why they are also avoiding anything even remotely funny, but it's only a working theory.

Avatar

Patrick Robinson

  • Sunday 6th October 2019, 2:22pm
  • Birmingham, United Kingdom
  • 126 posts

Hi all. I sent this in last week but to no avail:

John Major criticised Boris Johnson's leadership of the Conservative party this week, saying that it was a mistake for the Tories to become a Brexit Party tribute act. But as the public loses patience with the Government over Brexit, maybe being a tribute act isn't a bad idea for the cabinet...........

SFX: A band tuning up in a rehearsal room......

BJ: Right guys, right girls. Things aren't going our way over Brexit. It's time to inject some entertainment into our message: let's be a band and rock it, you know, out there, wotnot. I'll be frontman. Raab on rhythm guitar. Leadsom on lead. Sajid on sax. Patel on percussion. Rees Mogg on the Moog. Let's drop it like it's hot and smash the roof off this place.
Raab: Yes! Man! What songs should we do?
B.J: Start with two songs by the Clash: "Complete Control", then "I fought the law, but the law won". Then we'll do "Lost in France", followed by Abba's "One of us is lying".
Raab: Anything by Queen?
B.J: No Dominic. You know I mislead Queen. Rolling Stones would be better.
Raab: You Can't Always Get What You Want.
B.J: Alright Dominic, don't rub it in.
Raab: No, I meant the song. How about "Give Me Just a Little more time"?
B.J: Never: that was Teresa May's problem.
Raab: No, I meant the song.
Patel: Could we do a Roy Orbison cover? I think that would be really, really great.
B.J: For the last time Patel, we are not doing "Priti Woman". Right, what's our last song?
Raab: Final Countdown.
B.J: That's perfect. Who wrote that?
Raab: Europe.
B.J: Oh bugger.

END.

Avatar

Kenny Bania

  • Sunday 6th October 2019, 2:37pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 235 posts
Quote: Patrick Robinson @ 6th October 2019, 2:22 PM

Hi all. I sent this in last week but to no avail:

John Major criticised Boris Johnson's leadership of the Conservative party this week, saying that it was a mistake for the Tories to become a Brexit Party tribute act. But as the public loses patience with the Government over Brexit, maybe being a tribute act isn't a bad idea for the cabinet...........

SFX: A band tuning up in a rehearsal room......

BJ: Right guys, right girls. Things aren't going our way over Brexit. It's time to inject some entertainment into our message: let's be a band and rock it, you know, out there, wotnot. I'll be frontman. Raab on rhythm guitar. Leadsom on lead. Sajid on sax. Patel on percussion. Rees Mogg on the Moog. Let's drop it like it's hot and smash the roof off this place.
Raab: Yes! Man! What songs should we do?
B.J: Start with two songs by the Clash: "Complete Control", then "I fought the law, but the law won". Then we'll do "Lost in France", followed by Abba's "One of us is lying".
Raab: Anything by Queen?
B.J: No Dominic. You know I mislead Queen. Rolling Stones would be better.
Raab: You Can't Always Get What You Want.
B.J: Alright Dominic, don't rub it in.
Raab: No, I meant the song. How about "Give Me Just a Little more time"?
B.J: Never: that was Teresa May's problem.
Raab: No, I meant the song.
Patel: Could we do a Roy Orbison cover? I think that would be really, really great.
B.J: For the last time Patel, we are not doing "Priti Woman". Right, what's our last song?
Raab: Final Countdown.
B.J: That's perfect. Who wrote that?
Raab: Europe.
B.J: Oh bugger.

END.

Enjoyed this, but perhaps a tad short ?
( although think there was a very short sketch on this week )

Avatar

BTF

  • Sunday 6th October 2019, 3:26pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 519 posts
Quote: Patrick Robinson @ 6th October 2019, 2:22 PM

Hi all. I sent this in last week but to no avail:

John Major criticised Boris Johnson's leadership of the Conservative party this week, saying that it was a mistake for the Tories to become a Brexit Party tribute act. But as the public loses patience with the Government over Brexit, maybe being a tribute act isn't a bad idea for the cabinet...........

SFX: A band tuning up in a rehearsal room......

BJ: Right guys, right girls. Things aren't going our way over Brexit. It's time to inject some entertainment into our message: let's be a band and rock it, you know, out there, wotnot. I'll be frontman. Raab on rhythm guitar. Leadsom on lead. Sajid on sax. Patel on percussion. Rees Mogg on the Moog. Let's drop it like it's hot and smash the roof off this place.
Raab: Yes! Man! What songs should we do?
B.J: Start with two songs by the Clash: "Complete Control", then "I fought the law, but the law won". Then we'll do "Lost in France", followed by Abba's "One of us is lying".
Raab: Anything by Queen?
B.J: No Dominic. You know I mislead Queen. Rolling Stones would be better.
Raab: You Can't Always Get What You Want.
B.J: Alright Dominic, don't rub it in.
Raab: No, I meant the song. How about "Give Me Just a Little more time"?
B.J: Never: that was Teresa May's problem.
Raab: No, I meant the song.
Patel: Could we do a Roy Orbison cover? I think that would be really, really great.
B.J: For the last time Patel, we are not doing "Priti Woman". Right, what's our last song?
Raab: Final Countdown.
B.J: That's perfect. Who wrote that?
Raab: Europe.
B.J: Oh bugger.

END.

Liked it

Avatar

Patrick Robinson

  • Sunday 6th October 2019, 10:33pm
  • Birmingham, United Kingdom
  • 126 posts

Many thanks. Yeah it's a short one. Felt like I'd exhausted the best silly songs I could think of..............

Avatar

BTF

  • Sunday 6th October 2019, 10:55pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 519 posts
Quote: Patrick Robinson @ 6th October 2019, 10:33 PM

Many thanks. Yeah it's a short one. Felt like I'd exhausted the best silly songs I could think of..............

Yes. I understand..I would have felt the same. I don't think it is too short necessarily. If you imagine it read out...

Avatar

Wishus

  • Monday 7th October 2019, 12:34pm [Edited]
  • Northampton, England
  • 133 posts

I like your sketch Patrick.

My rejects this week are woefully bad. I just ran out of thinking time.

ONELINERS
BREAKING NEWS:
1. Jeremy Clarkson, who once hit a man for not ordering him a steak, has called Great Thunberg a "spoiled brat". What's his beef?
2. The Canal and River Trust has been criticised for heavily censoring a report into the collapse of the Whaley Bridge dam, as 'dam' isn't really a proper swear these days.
3. Teachers have spoken out against 'sadfishing' a new trend on social media, not to be confused with 'fishing' which is just sad to vegans.
GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for the thin blue line, after police in Hong Kong fired protesters with blue dye. It's been a good week for those protesters who are big fans of Braveheart.
2. It's been a bad week for the Amazon rain forests, as they continue to burn. It's been a good week for endangered forests of seaweed off the West Sussex coast, thanks to a campaign by David Attenborough who pointed and said, "Sea kelp".
3. It's been a bad week for Ireland as Boris Johnson confirmed that after Brexit custom checks will be a 'reality'. It's been a good week for Boris Johnson, because he still hasn't had a check on reality.

Other people who have posted jokes on the same topics here have done MUCH better.

Yes, I'll do them and my sketch on my podcast as promised, but it will be with an apology...

Avatar

BTF

  • Monday 7th October 2019, 1:17pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 519 posts
Quote: Wishus @ 7th October 2019, 12:34 PM

I like your sketch Patrick.

My rejects this week are woefully bad. I just ran out of thinking time.

ONELINERS
BREAKING NEWS:
1. Jeremy Clarkson, who once hit a man for not ordering him a steak, has called Great Thunberg a "spoiled brat". What's his beef?
2. The Canal and River Trust has been criticised for heavily censoring a report into the collapse of the Whaley Bridge dam, as 'dam' isn't really a proper swear these days.
3. Teachers have spoken out against 'sadfishing' a new trend on social media, not to be confused with 'fishing' which is just sad to vegans.
GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for the thin blue line, after police in Hong Kong fired protesters with blue dye. It's been a good week for those protesters who are big fans of Braveheart.
2. It's been a bad week for the Amazon rain forests, as they continue to burn. It's been a good week for endangered forests of seaweed off the West Sussex coast, thanks to a campaign by David Attenborough who pointed and said, "Sea kelp".
3. It's been a bad week for Ireland as Boris Johnson confirmed that after Brexit custom checks will be a 'reality'. It's been a good week for Boris Johnson, because he still hasn't had a check on reality.

Other people who have posted jokes on the same topics here have done MUCH better.

Yes, I'll do them and my sketch on my podcast as promised, but it will be with an apology...

Personally I like BN 1 and 2 and GWBW 1

Avatar

MrLiamArnold

  • Thursday 10th October 2019, 6:44pm
  • Cambridge, United Kingdom
  • 6 posts

Some lovely rejects for your enjoyment (hopefully).

BREAKING NEWS:
1. A Yorkshire chip shop has opened its first branch in China. The shop gained popularity with tourists, after it printed menus in both mandarin and cant'nese.
2. A double decker bus that overturned in Devon has been investigated, after the driver said he was simply trying to correct the jam on his scone.
3. Scientists have discovered that women prefer men who binge drink as it shows a sign of strength. And for anyone doubting the research, those scientists will see you outside.
GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a good week for pigs who were observed using tools for the very first time.
But it's been a big bad week for the wolf, who had just got his breath back.
2. It's been a good week for kinky lorry drivers after it was reported that a no deal Brexit could lead to a rise in dogging.
But it's been a bad week for customs officers who now have to also check for STI's.
3. It's been a good week for music fans as albums are being stockpiled in a Brexit bunker to prepare for no deal.
But it's been a bad week for music fans, as it does include Coldplay.

Avatar

Jee Knee

  • Thursday 10th October 2019, 6:50pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 17 posts

I'd completely forgotten about this thread! Some real gems on here, and congrats to people who have had stuff on. Sorry for dropping 5 loads of decomposing one-liners in one sitting. Cast your fine, fine minds back to week 1....

WEEK 1

BREAKING NEWS
1. The average cost of a wedding in the UK is now over 30 thousand pounds, although all Strictly contestants will be offered discounts for buying in bulk.
2. In response to calls for Parliament to modernise, the government has confirmed that the new Speaker of the House of Commons will be an Alexa.
3. A new science curriculum for schools in Wales has been criticised for promoting creationism. Teachers are having a hard time convincing Welsh kids that God separated the water from the Earth in order to create dry land. [EDITOR'S NOTE: As if that was ever likely to get on...] [AUTHOR'S NOTE: I'm operating a 'two for them, one for me' policy this series, so just watch your tone, okay? You were a right mouthy little t*** by the end of series 20.]

GOOD WEEK / BAD WEEK
1. It's been a good week for John Bercow, who has confirmed that he will step down as Speaker of the House of Commons. It's been a bad week for John Bercow, who, like most old speakers, will now be put in a corner of the spare room and then dumped outside a charity shop.
2. It's been a good week for Birmingham, which announced plans for a new HS2 extension link with Nottingham. It's been a bad week for Nottingham, which set fire to itself and ran away screaming.
3. It's been a good week for the opposition party in Russia, which won a record number of seats in Moscow city elections. It's been a bad week for the opposition party in Russia because I've just been informed that it did not win any seats in the Moscow city elections. There were no Moscow elections. Have you met Enormous Dmitri? He's a very angry man. You know what makes him angry? People asking questions about things that do not concern them. [EDITOR'S NOTE: Boy, you weren't kidding about the 'one for you' thing, were you?] [AUTHOR'S NOTE: I know, I know. Although there have been a few ones this series that have mucked around with the template slightly, so I live in hope...] [EDITOR'S NOTE: I wouldn't.]

Avatar

BTF

  • Thursday 10th October 2019, 6:50pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 519 posts
Quote: MrLiamArnold @ 10th October 2019, 6:44 PM

Some lovely rejects for your enjoyment (hopefully).

BREAKING NEWS:
1. A Yorkshire chip shop has opened its first branch in China. The shop gained popularity with tourists, after it printed menus in both mandarin and cant'nese.
2. A double decker bus that overturned in Devon has been investigated, after the driver said he was simply trying to correct the jam on his scone.
3. Scientists have discovered that women prefer men who binge drink as it shows a sign of strength. And for anyone doubting the research, those scientists will see you outside.
GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a good week for pigs who were observed using tools for the very first time.
But it's been a big bad week for the wolf, who had just got his breath back.
2. It's been a good week for kinky lorry drivers after it was reported that a no deal Brexit could lead to a rise in dogging.
But it's been a bad week for customs officers who now have to also check for STI's.
3. It's been a good week for music fans as albums are being stockpiled in a Brexit bunker to prepare for no deal.
But it's been a bad week for music fans, as it does include Coldplay.

I like GWBW 1 best.

Avatar

MrLiamArnold

  • Thursday 10th October 2019, 6:57pm
  • Cambridge, United Kingdom
  • 6 posts
Quote: BTF @ 10th October 2019, 6:50 PM

I like GWBW 1 best.

Me too, sadly no joy though. It's a fine line between too much detail and not enough. Always next week.

Avatar

Jee Knee

  • Thursday 10th October 2019, 7:12pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 17 posts

WEEK 2 - Apparently one of these made the script / recording but was led around to the back of the stables and shot in the head before broadcast. Probably for the best. It must have been in tremendous pain.

BREAKING NEWS
1. Instagram has apologised after a photo of a fishmongers shop window was mistakenly censored for offensive content. An investigation concluded that there was no prawnographic material on display. [AUTHOR: Wah wah]

2. Researchers at Dundee University have discovered that hunger leads to poorer decision-making, which explains the continued success of the Greggs chicken tikka pasty. [EDITOR: Is that actually a th--] [AUTHOR: Don't know, don't care.]

3. Sarah Thomas has become the first person to swim the English Channel four times in a row. She is now poised to take over as Britain's national ferry service in the event of a no-deal Brexit.

GOOD WEEK / BAD WEEK
1. It's been a bad week for a man in Auckland who brought a clown to his own redundancy meeting for emotional support. It's been a good week for the clown, who was allowed to keep his suspiciously small company car.

2. It's been a good week for Sainsbury's, which has announced plans to halve plastic packaging by 2025. It's been a bad week for Sainsbury's employees, who will have to sweep up an awful lot of cereal. [AUTHOR: I hate this one so, so much.]

3. It's been a bad week for racing fans after a huge brawl erupted at a meeting at Doncaster. It's been a good week for the punters who had seven to two on the lad in the blue waistcoat getting the bald one in a headlock. [EDITOR: Hey, what was that you were saying earlier about horses? I wasn't really paying attention.] [AUTHOR: Hmmm? Oh... nothing. Forget it. Just a needless artistic flourish. Exactly the sort of thing that Newsjack really likes.] [EDITOR: I think you just dislocated an eyeball with that sarcasm.] [AUTHOR: Nah, mate. My eyes are like Limp Bizkit. They just keep rollin'.] [AUTHOR : That's a solid pop culture reference right there. From nineteen f***ing years ago.]