British Comedy Guide

Newsjack Series 21 rejects Page 3

Newsjack. Copyright: BBC.

Newsjack

Topical satirical sketch show on Radio 4 Extra. The programme has an 'open door' policy allowing anyone to submit material

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BTF

  • Thursday 19th September 2019, 8:07pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 519 posts
Quote: Thosisd @ 19th September 2019, 7:53 PM

Here's this week's misses:

Over 600 people suffered surgical mishaps over the last year, including the unnecessary removal of body parts. One patient said "Mhhhfhh mffgh mffgh mfhh!"

Outrage after a low-security prison in Derbyshire is compared to a holiday camp. The warden is expected to deliver a statement, right after he's finished calling the bingo.

Scientists are examining what causes the human fight-or-flight response, after being challenged to by a group of bigger scientists.

It's been a good week for comic book fans as Marvel released an Iron Man post-credit scene 11 years after its original release.

It's been a bad week for the nerds who sat waiting in cinemas this entire time and REALLY need a wee.

It's been a bad week for Nicola Sturgeon after she was smashed in the head playing swingball.

It's been a good week for Andy Murray as his game-winning comeback continues.

It's been a good week for insomniacs after it was revealed that banana peel tea can improve sleep quality.

It's been a bad week for the man who slipped on his tea bag but a hilarious week for his family.

Personally I really like your first two BNs. The third one, I thought about another version for fun...after they've finished running away from a group of bigger scientists.

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Thosisd

  • Thursday 19th September 2019, 8:36pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 287 posts

Yeah I felt the third had more potential but didn't quite hit it.

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BTF

  • Thursday 19th September 2019, 8:41pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 519 posts
Quote: Thosisd @ 19th September 2019, 8:36 PM

Yeah I felt the third had more potential but didn't quite hit it.

A feeling I often get.

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Thosisd

  • Thursday 19th September 2019, 8:44pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 287 posts

It's the story of Newsjack.

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Rood Eye

  • Thursday 19th September 2019, 8:46pm
  • England
  • 3,852 posts
Quote: Thosisd @ 19th September 2019, 7:53 PM

Over 600 people suffered surgical mishaps over the last year, including the unnecessary removal of body parts. One patient said "Mhhhfhh mffgh mffgh mfhh!"

That's as good a joke as I've ever heard on NewsJack! Laughing out loud

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BTF

  • Thursday 19th September 2019, 8:57pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 519 posts
Quote: Rood Eye @ 19th September 2019, 8:46 PM

That's as good a joke as I've ever heard on NewsJack! Laughing out loud

Newsjack probably did not get the joke, with a quick read. Otherwise it should have gone on the show or at least been a nearly. In my opinion. Which is worth FA. :DRolling eyes

Quote: Thosisd @ 19th September 2019, 8:44 PM

It's the story of Newsjack.

It is also the story of joke writing with limited time.

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BTF

  • Thursday 19th September 2019, 10:59pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 519 posts
Quote: Thosisd @ 19th September 2019, 7:53 PM

Here's this week's misses:

Over 600 people suffered surgical mishaps over the last year, including the unnecessary removal of body parts. One patient said "Mhhhfhh mffgh mffgh mfhh!"

Outrage after a low-security prison in Derbyshire is compared to a holiday camp. The warden is expected to deliver a statement, right after he's finished calling the bingo.

Scientists are examining what causes the human fight-or-flight response, after being challenged to by a group of bigger scientists.

It's been a good week for comic book fans as Marvel released an Iron Man post-credit scene 11 years after its original release.

It's been a bad week for the nerds who sat waiting in cinemas this entire time and REALLY need a wee.

It's been a bad week for Nicola Sturgeon after she was smashed in the head playing swingball.

It's been a good week for Andy Murray as his game-winning comeback continues.

It's been a good week for insomniacs after it was revealed that banana peel tea can improve sleep quality.

It's been a bad week for the man who slipped on his tea bag but a hilarious week for his family.

Now then was it just me, or was your joke about nerds in the show - minus last five words?

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JustBen

  • Thursday 19th September 2019, 11:20pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 1 posts

First time submitting, really enjoyed the experience going to keep going for it. Here are my rejects:

Breaking News
Instagram has apologised to fishmonger Rex Goldsmith after censoring his posts; it was believed the fishmonger was simply trying to display his pollocks

500 People performed the hokey cokey in Dorchester this week, the event only attracted 150 people last year but organisers managed to 'Turn it Around' (there was another Hokey Cokey one which tied to the EU)

An inquiry this week has found that a plane that was forced to divert to Ireland was due to a knocked coffee; as they say, there's no point flying when you've spilt milk

GW/BW - feel these were definitely weaker

It's been a bad week for 'The Red Button' as the BBC announce that news services will be turned off.
But it's a good week for the intern that we can finally let out of the basement

It's been a good week for strict parents as time-outs are said to do no harm.
It's been a bad week for my partner who has had to sit on the naughty step for 35 minutes

It's been a bad week for English Cricket as it's been confirmed that Australia retain The Ashes.
It's been a good week for universal harmony, as following the Cricket World Cup, things are back to normal

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Joe Oakes

  • Thursday 19th September 2019, 11:27pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 28 posts

BREAKING NEWS:
1. David Cameron revealed that while at Eton he would sneak out on a rowing boat to an island to smoke joints, as a BBQ is a great way to ensure that none of the pig carcass goes to waste.
2. Meghan Markle launched a charity clothing line to help long-term unemployed women, why do celebrities only ever start charities for conditions that they are afflicted by?
3. An American baby born on 9/11 at 9:11 weighed 9lb 11oz, which almost makes the whole thing worth it.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It was a bad week for Michael Gove as David Cameron accused him of being disloyal to both himself and Boris Johnson.
It was a good week for Satan as Michael Gove's loyalty remains unquestioned.
2. It was a bad week for Micheal Gove as David Cameron labelled him a "foam-flecked Faragist".
It was a good week for fans of alliteration and awful abhorrent atrocious affluent arseholes.
3. It was a good week for HIV awareness as Gareth Thomas revealed that he has the virus.
It was a bad week for the hooligan who last year beat him to a bloody pulp.

In hindsight, I may have misjudged the tone of the show. And I thought the 9/11 line was a banker.

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BTF

  • Thursday 19th September 2019, 11:33pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 519 posts
Quote: JustBen @ 19th September 2019, 11:20 PM

First time submitting, really enjoyed the experience going to keep going for it. Here are my rejects:

Breaking News
Instagram has apologised to fishmonger Rex Goldsmith after censoring his posts; it was believed the fishmonger was simply trying to display his pollocks

500 People performed the hokey cokey in Dorchester this week, the event only attracted 150 people last year but organisers managed to 'Turn it Around' (there was another Hokey Cokey one which tied to the EU)

An inquiry this week has found that a plane that was forced to divert to Ireland was due to a knocked coffee; as they say, there's no point flying when you've spilt milk

GW/BW - feel these were definitely weaker

It's been a bad week for 'The Red Button' as the BBC announce that news services will be turned off.
But it's a good week for the intern that we can finally let out of the basement

It's been a good week for strict parents as time-outs are said to do no harm.
It's been a bad week for my partner who has had to sit on the naughty step for 35 minutes

It's been a bad week for English Cricket as it's been confirmed that Australia retain The Ashes.
It's been a good week for universal harmony, as following the Cricket World Cup, things are back to normal

Yes liked BNs. GWBWs still work except didn't quite get first GWBW but that could be sleep deprivation partly. Missed that news story. I was going to do a GWBW along naughty step lines that you took so I wonder if a few people did this.

Quote: Joe Oakes @ 19th September 2019, 11:27 PM

BREAKING NEWS:
1. David Cameron revealed that while at Eton he would sneak out on a rowing boat to an island to smoke joints, as a BBQ is a great way to ensure that none of the pig carcass goes to waste.
2. Meghan Markle launched a charity clothing line to help long-term unemployed women, why do celebrities only ever start charities for conditions that they are afflicted by?
3. An American baby born on 9/11 at 9:11 weighed 9lb 11oz, which almost makes the whole thing worth it.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It was a bad week for Michael Gove as David Cameron accused him of being disloyal to both himself and Boris Johnson.
It was a good week for Satan as Michael Gove's loyalty remains unquestioned.
2. It was a bad week for Micheal Gove as David Cameron labelled him a "foam-flecked Faragist".
It was a good week for fans of alliteration and awful abhorrent atrocious affluent arseholes.
3. It was a good week for HIV awareness as Gareth Thomas revealed that he has the virus.
It was a bad week for the hooligan who last year beat him to a bloody pulp.

In hindsight, I may have misjudged the tone of the show. And I thought the 9/11 line was a banker.

Yes they maybe would not use the third GWBW and 9/11 one.
I really liked your 2nd GWBW. Liked first GW too.
Thought Markle one funny.

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Rood Eye

  • Thursday 19th September 2019, 11:33pm
  • England
  • 3,852 posts
Quote: Joe Oakes @ 19th September 2019, 11:27 PM

In hindsight, I may have misjudged the tone of the show. And I thought the 9/11 line was a banker.

There are countries where that joke would have had them rolling in the aisles.

Unfortunately, Britain isn't currently one of them.

Having said that, times change and with them international relations: hang onto it - you never know when Newsjack might snap it up. Laughing out loud

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TheTrashBat

  • Friday 20th September 2019, 12:15am
  • Dorset, United Kingdom
  • 76 posts
Quote: Thosisd @ 19th September 2019, 7:53 PM

Over 600 people suffered surgical mishaps over the last year, including the unnecessary removal of body parts. One patient said "Mhhhfhh mffgh mffgh mfhh!"

This is a superb joke and should have topped the NJ list. In my humble opinion.

Quote: Joe Oakes @ 19th September 2019, 11:27 PM

BREAKING NEWS:

3. An American baby born on 9/11 at 9:11 weighed 9lb 11oz, which almost makes the whole thing worth it.

In hindsight, I may have misjudged the tone of the show. And I thought the 9/11 line was a banker.

This is a pretty delicious offering too. As you say, not NJ's vibe. But a beast in its own right.

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TheTrashBat

  • Friday 20th September 2019, 12:37am
  • Dorset, United Kingdom
  • 76 posts

This weeks unsuccessful efforts:

1. Hundreds of people performed the Hokey Cokey on the streets of Dorchester this week. Footage is being sent to Brussels to help clarify Britain's stance on Europe.
[Assumed this would be a popular story but had limited time and fancied a crack at it. A very NJ topic, so worth a shot.]

2. Children sitting exams in Buckinghamshire have received an apology after being given "impossible-to-answer" questions. The exam board are now asking themselves exactly what this could have happened?
[There was a good joke there somewhere but I twonked around with my punchline to the point where I couldn't get a handle on the best pay-off]

3. Galway Council have come under fire for altering their policies regarding street performers. Until now the local buskers have always happily accepted change.
[Tabloid headline fodder. I wrestle with myself over whether this is too crap or absolutely perfect for NJ]

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a good week for American Sarah Thomas who became the first person to swim 4 lengths of the Channel. It's a bad week for her Mum who now has to sew the badge onto Sarah's cozzie.
[Convinced myself that this one had a good chance. A bit cute and nostalgic.... and not a pun. Seemed like a good bet.]

2. It's been a bad week for an American woman who swallowed her engagement ring while she was sleeping. It's a good week for her fiancé who's been trying to get her to eat more carats.
[I hate this. Which is why I thought it was worth sending in.]

3. It's a good week for 1 AM Dolls who are finally bringing a male robotic sex doll to market. It's a fantastic week for the excited customers who pre-ordered a doll, it simply can't come too soon.
[Another one I thought might have a shot. But not a great gag, let's be honest.]

I'm busy moving house at the minute but in amongst the chaos I made the effort to get my submissions in. I had the usual "Oh my God, my jokes are freaking awful." Then a few hours later "Oh my God, I'm a comedy genius, I've got this in the bag." And backwards and forwards, blah blah blah.
Looking at the 'rejects' and jokes that surface here, I wonder what would happen if we had a platform to showcase the jokes we actually find funny. I'm sure a lot of us try to write stuff that we think will fit in with the NJ SOH..... which may be a million miles from the comedy gold we'd like to throw down.
Anyway, can't complain. It's a glorious thing that we even have this opportunity :)

(I also submitted a sketch this week, which I thought was stronger than the one-liners, but alas, no dice. Will post it here, if I grow a pair.)

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Thosisd

  • Friday 20th September 2019, 7:19am
  • United Kingdom
  • 287 posts
Quote: BTF @ 19th September 2019, 10:59 PM

Now then was it just me, or was your joke about nerds in the show - minus last five words?

Yeah...that was my Iron Man joke and I was in the credits!

Strange because I definitely didn't get an email....

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BTF

  • Friday 20th September 2019, 7:28am [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 519 posts
Quote: TheTrashBat @ 20th September 2019, 12:37 AM

This weeks unsuccessful efforts:

1. Hundreds of people performed the Hokey Cokey on the streets of Dorchester this week. Footage is being sent to Brussels to help clarify Britain's stance on Europe.
[Assumed this would be a popular story but had limited time and fancied a crack at it. A very NJ topic, so worth a shot.]

(Like this. Could have got on. Yes, popular topic.)

2. Children sitting exams in Buckinghamshire have received an apology after being given "impossible-to-answer" questions. The exam board are now asking themselves exactly what this could have happened?
[There was a good joke there somewhere but I twonked around with my punchline to the point where I couldn't get a handle on the best pay-off]

(Yes, good joke there somewhere. Tricky punchline to get right.)

3. Galway Council have come under fire for altering their policies regarding street performers. Until now the local buskers have always happily accepted change.
[Tabloid headline fodder. I wrestle with myself over whether this is too crap or absolutely perfect for NJ]

(Yes, good one. Newsjack type.)

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a good week for American Sarah Thomas who became the first person to swim 4 lengths of the Channel. It's a bad week for her Mum who now has to sew the badge onto Sarah's cozzie.
[Convinced myself that this one had a good chance. A bit cute and nostalgic.... and not a pun. Seemed like a good bet.]

(Newsjacky.)

2. It's been a bad week for an American woman who swallowed her engagement ring while she was sleeping. It's a good week for her fiancé who's been trying to get her to eat more carats.
[I hate this. Which is why I thought it was worth sending in.]

(I was going down the carats route but saw similar jokes on twitter so left it.)

3. It's a good week for 1 AM Dolls who are finally bringing a male robotic sex doll to market. It's a fantastic week for the excited customers who pre-ordered a doll, it simply can't come too soon.
[Another one I thought might have a shot. But not a great gag, let's be honest.]

(No it's fine. Might order one myself...jokes. Tweaking...you could maybe take out 'the' and put 'one' instead of a doll.)

I'm busy moving house at the minute but in amongst the chaos I made the effort to get my submissions in. I had the usual "Oh my God, my jokes are freaking awful." Then a few hours later "Oh my God, I'm a comedy genius, I've got this in the bag." And backwards and forwards, blah blah blah.
Looking at the 'rejects' and jokes that surface here, I wonder what would happen if we had a platform to showcase the jokes we actually find funny. I'm sure a lot of us try to write stuff that we think will fit in with the NJ SOH..... which may be a million miles from the comedy gold we'd like to throw down.
Anyway, can't complain. It's a glorious thing that we even have this opportunity :)

(I also submitted a sketch this week, which I thought was stronger than the one-liners, but alas, no dice. Will post it here, if I grow a pair.)

(Yes, my gags may be worsening as I subconsciously tone them down etc. No offence intended to anyone. Arguably, no harm in trying different writing styles. Tbh I personally don't think it's a glorious thing that we have this opportunity (due to sheer numbers and other factors making it very hard for it to be much of an opportunity) but it's an opportunity and is at least an open-door thing and fun to do and encourages people to write and I like the Reject salon. :D