- Monday 21st October 2019, 11:05am
- United Kingdom
- 519 posts
Quote: skram @ 20th October 2019, 6:50 PM
Been late listening to the show this week... some funny one-liners in there, can't say I enjoyed much on the sketches front though (that's being polite really!). My first sketch reject below, tried to go for a more obvious non-political story - feedback welcome:
INTRO: Britain's Obesity Crisis shows no signs of shrinking... fat chance of that happening... so the nanny state has decided that we can no longer partake of our favourite nibbles on public transport, not even on the night bus home with that fit guy you met in the club apparently. But whilst many of us would like to stick two chocolate-covered fingers up to the idea, would these draconian measures simply push the problem underground?
FX - TRAIN NOISES
MAN: Come on love, I can see some seats in the next carriage...
FX - INTERNAL TRAIN DOOR OPENS
DEALER: Alright mate, wanna buy some snack?
MAN: What the hell, are you trying to sell me smack? Drugs?!
DEALER: Naaa mate, not smack, snacks! I've got lots of little baggies with all your favourites in... jelly babies, fudge, jazzy drops....
MAN: Come on, everyone does it, it's Friday night, live a little!
WOMAN: I'd rather live a lot - these are sugary snacks, David. Unrefined sugary snacks. (DISTRAUGHT) And on public transport, could you imagine if our friends and family found out?!
DEALER: Listen mate, if it's not your thing...
MAN: No it is my thing actually, who doesn't like a sugar rush - in fact, have you got anything a bit harder?
DEALER: Yeah, got some aniseed balls here. Or liquorice?
MAN: What type?
DEALER: All sorts!
WOMAN: David, those are gateway snacks! Before you know it you'll be on flapjacks, crumbs all down your shirt and bits stuck in your teeth.
MAN: I know what I'm doing, OK? Give me one bag of each, mate.
DEALER: That's right my man! How about a grab bag size?
MAN: No, it's just for personal use, small bags are fine.
DEALER: Alright... what about your missus?
WOMAN: I really don't think...
MAN: Sarah, we've had a hard week, it'll take the edge off, just try a little bit....
DEALER: All the ladies do a bit of chocolate these days innit love...
WOMAN: Like what?
WOMAN: (WHISPERS) Like what?
DEALER: How about a Kit Kat Chunky?
WOMAN: Who the hell are you calling "chunky"?!
DEALER: Whoa, OK, I've got low-calorie gear too - wine gums?
WOMAN: Errr, Wine Gums?! This is the train to Wimbledon, not Lewisham.
DEALER: Alright, I've got the good stuff too - Prosecco Gums. They're pink and sparkly.
WOMAN: That's more like it. And do you, errrr (SNIFFS) have any of the powdered stuff? (SNIFFS)
DEALER: You mean, strawberry bonbons?
FX - INTERNAL TRAIN DOOR OPENS
TICKET INSPECTOR: Tickets please!
MAN: Oh my God, quick, how much?
DEALER: Four little bags - that's forty quid mate.
MAN: Forty quid?! OK, here you go, quick Sarah let's go!
DEALER: Alright, nice doing business with you! Anybody else for drinks and snacks from the buffet trolley?
Like the punchline. It is certainly a good sketch. I would just say hone it and cut a lot out. Cut it down as much as possible if you don't mind me commenting.