British Comedy Guide

Newsjack Series 21 rejects Page 4

Newsjack. Copyright: BBC.

Newsjack

Topical satirical sketch show on Radio 4 Extra. The programme has an 'open door' policy allowing anyone to submit material

Avatar

Exe Chris

  • Friday 20th September 2019, 8:41am
  • Exeter, England
  • 78 posts

Was disappointed not to get the email this week as I thought (unlike last week) that I had a chance. But it seems (#strawclutchingmode) that the only person on here to have got on that we've heard about so far didn't get the email either, so here's hoping there was a glitch with them...
Anyway, here's my non-successful tries for this week:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. A test provider has apologised after children sitting grammar school entrance exams were given "impossible-to-answer" questions. The exam provider has asked anyone affected to put their complaint in writing before last tuesday.
2. A New Zealand man brought a clown to his redundancy meeting to reduce stress. He says he got the idea from the UK who have appointed a clown as PM in their time of greatest stress.
3. A head teacher and her father have been found guilty of running an unregistered school in Streatham. The head's explanation that their dog ate the registration was not accepted by Ofsted.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for a London fishmonger who's Instagram feed has been mistakenly censored as containing offensive material.
It's been a good week for the same fishmonger because of the extra publicity he's got from it.
2. It's been a good week for parents who have been told that using 'time outs' will not harm their children.
It's been a bad week for parents who have now discovered that going to the pub for an hour does not constitute a 'time out'.
3. It's been a bad week for the Yellowhammer as it's associated with a worse-case scenario No-Deal Brexit.
It's been a good week for the Yellowhammer's song 'little bit of bread and no cheese' as it sums up what food is left after a No-Deal Brexit.

Avatar

johnfromsoho

  • Friday 20th September 2019, 9:01am
  • Soho, England
  • 43 posts

Here's may failures. On to next week

BREAKING NEWS:
1. The BBC is to switch off the news and sport text services on the TV red button in a move that experts say will literally effect no one

2. Scientists believe they have found a way to stop the common cold. The researchers said although it was early days the results of their work were not to be sniffed at.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1 Good news for clowns as a Man takes emotional support clown to work as he fears being sacked. Bad News for Boris Johnson as every time he turns up for a meeting people assume someone is getting fired

2. Good news for the RNLI who had a sharp increase in donations after they were attacked over funding saving lives overseas. Bad News for Bigots as the RNLI who had a sharp increase in donations after they were attacked over funding saving lives overseas

3. Good week for the number of British nationals living in the Netherlands applying to become Dutch. Bad Week for the Dutch government website that the system became clogged

Avatar

Kenny Bania

  • Friday 20th September 2019, 10:01am
  • United Kingdom
  • 235 posts
Quote: Exe Chris @ 20th September 2019, 8:41 AM

Was disappointed not to get the email this week as I thought (unlike last week) that I had a chance. But it seems (#strawclutchingmode) that the only person on here to have got on that we've heard about so far didn't get the email either, so here's hoping there was a glitch with them...
Anyway, here's my non-successful tries for this week:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. A test provider has apologised after children sitting grammar school entrance exams were given "impossible-to-answer" questions. The exam provider has asked anyone affected to put their complaint in writing before last tuesday.
2. A New Zealand man brought a clown to his redundancy meeting to reduce stress. He says he got the idea from the UK who have appointed a clown as PM in their time of greatest stress.
3. A head teacher and her father have been found guilty of running an unregistered school in Streatham. The head's explanation that their dog ate the registration was not accepted by Ofsted.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for a London fishmonger who's Instagram feed has been mistakenly censored as containing offensive material.
It's been a good week for the same fishmonger because of the extra publicity he's got from it.
2. It's been a good week for parents who have been told that using 'time outs' will not harm their children.
It's been a bad week for parents who have now discovered that going to the pub for an hour does not constitute a 'time out'.
3. It's been a bad week for the Yellowhammer as it's associated with a worse-case scenario No-Deal Brexit.
It's been a good week for the Yellowhammer's song 'little bit of bread and no cheese' as it sums up what food is left after a No-Deal Brexit.

ExeChris - like the School breaking news - tried to get a joke from this story but got nowhere

( Meant number three re unregistered school - wish I'd thought of that )

Avatar

Danno

  • Friday 20th September 2019, 10:18am
  • Azerbaijan
  • 307 posts

had a quick go this week..newsjack mojo in short supply

1. A woman has become the first swimmer to swim the English Channel four times non-stop. She's already receiving shopping orders in the event of a no deal Brexit.

2. The BBC is to drop the public vote to select the UK's next Eurovision Song Contest entrant. A spokesman said: We need to find a new way of 'Making Your Mind Up'.

Avatar

Kenny Bania

  • Friday 20th September 2019, 11:18am
  • United Kingdom
  • 235 posts
Quote: Danno @ 20th September 2019, 10:18 AM

had a quick go this week..newsjack mojo in short supply

1. A woman has become the first swimmer to swim the English Channel four times non-stop. She's already receiving shopping orders in the event of a no deal Brexit.

2. The BBC is to drop the public vote to select the UK's next Eurovision Song Contest entrant. A spokesman said: We need to find a new way of 'Making Your Mind Up'.

Similar one to your 1 made it through, Danno

My rejects this week included :

A worker in New Zealand was called to attend a redundancy meeting, and took a clown along for emotional support
When offered tea or coffee, he asked for Coco

In a recent survey, 17% of parents revealed that strangers had told them off about their parenting skills
The remaining 83% were praised by their children for not speaking to strangers

It was a good week for the creator of Rastamouse who was spared jailed for fraud as the judge discovered his daughter was a fan of the show
But it was a bad week for the daughter, who was sentenced to two years in a young offenders institute when the judge discovered her favourite show was Mrs Browns Boys

It's been a bad week for the late Robert Mugabe after few of the expected mourners turned up for his funeral
And it's a particularly worrying week for the clairvoyant who assured Mr Mugabe that the stadium would be full

It was a bad week for Blenheim Palace after a valuable gold toilet was stolen, but a very bad week for the burglars, as they didn't notice that the last person to use it failed to flush away a particularly sticky poo

( In retrospect, don't really think Newsjack is the right place for puerile poo jokes )

Avatar

KevDP4L

  • Friday 20th September 2019, 11:37am
  • Belfast, Northern Ireland
  • 71 posts

Struggled a bit last week, so only managed 2 for each. Had felt optimistic about my Scottish rugby one, but alas, it wasn't to be.

BREAKING NEWS:

1. Aldi plan to open a new store every week for the next two years leading to fears that German chains are taking over the supermarket industry Lidl by Lidl.

2. The Scottish Rugby team have been training with balls soaked in shampoo in the hopes that they will be Head and Shoulders above their opponents at the World Cup.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:

1. It's been a bad week for the NHS after a report revealed hundreds of serious surgical blunders including operating on the wrong body parts and leaving things inside patients.
It's been a good week for NHS patients, as a new Finders Keepers policy has now been implemented.

2. It's been a good week for a Russian woman who escaped unharmed after her Toyota SUV was struck twice by lightning.
It's been a bad week for Thor, after his attempts to assassinate a Russian woman ended in failure.

Avatar

Kenny Bania

  • Friday 20th September 2019, 11:47am
  • United Kingdom
  • 235 posts
Quote: KevDP4L @ 20th September 2019, 11:37 AM

Struggled a bit last week, so only managed 2 for each. Had felt optimistic about my Scottish rugby one, but alas, it wasn't to be.

BREAKING NEWS:

1. Aldi plan to open a new store every week for the next two years leading to fears that German chains are taking over the supermarket industry Lidl by Lidl.

2. The Scottish Rugby team have been training with balls soaked in shampoo in the hopes that they will be Head and Shoulders above their opponents at the World Cup.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:

1. It's been a bad week for the NHS after a report revealed hundreds of serious surgical blunders including operating on the wrong body parts and leaving things inside patients.
It's been a good week for NHS patients, as a new Finders Keepers policy has now been implemented.

2. It's been a good week for a Russian woman who escaped unharmed after her Toyota SUV was struck twice by lightning.
It's been a bad week for Thor, after his attempts to assassinate a Russian woman ended in failure.

High standard of material there, could see any of these getting on.....
And Iike the sound of the 'finders keepers' policy

Avatar

BTF

  • Friday 20th September 2019, 1:01pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 519 posts
Quote: Exe Chris @ 20th September 2019, 8:41 AM

Was disappointed not to get the email this week as I thought (unlike last week) that I had a chance. But it seems (#strawclutchingmode) that the only person on here to have got on that we've heard about so far didn't get the email either, so here's hoping there was a glitch with them...
Anyway, here's my non-successful tries for this week:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. A test provider has apologised after children sitting grammar school entrance exams were given "impossible-to-answer" questions. The exam provider has asked anyone affected to put their complaint in writing before last tuesday.
2. A New Zealand man brought a clown to his redundancy meeting to reduce stress. He says he got the idea from the UK who have appointed a clown as PM in their time of greatest stress.
3. A head teacher and her father have been found guilty of running an unregistered school in Streatham. The head's explanation that their dog ate the registration was not accepted by Ofsted.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for a London fishmonger who's Instagram feed has been mistakenly censored as containing offensive material.
It's been a good week for the same fishmonger because of the extra publicity he's got from it.
2. It's been a good week for parents who have been told that using 'time outs' will not harm their children.
It's been a bad week for parents who have now discovered that going to the pub for an hour does not constitute a 'time out'.
3. It's been a bad week for the Yellowhammer as it's associated with a worse-case scenario No-Deal Brexit.
It's been a good week for the Yellowhammer's song 'little bit of bread and no cheese' as it sums up what food is left after a No-Deal Brexit.

Liked them all really. Liked the school punchline.

Quote: KevDP4L @ 20th September 2019, 11:37 AM

Struggled a bit last week, so only managed 2 for each. Had felt optimistic about my Scottish rugby one, but alas, it wasn't to be.

BREAKING NEWS:

1. Aldi plan to open a new store every week for the next two years leading to fears that German chains are taking over the supermarket industry Lidl by Lidl.

2. The Scottish Rugby team have been training with balls soaked in shampoo in the hopes that they will be Head and Shoulders above their opponents at the World Cup.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:

1. It's been a bad week for the NHS after a report revealed hundreds of serious surgical blunders including operating on the wrong body parts and leaving things inside patients.
It's been a good week for NHS patients, as a new Finders Keepers policy has now been implemented.

2. It's been a good week for a Russian woman who escaped unharmed after her Toyota SUV was struck twice by lightning.
It's been a bad week for Thor, after his attempts to assassinate a Russian woman ended in failure.

Liked them all particularly finders keepers, shampoo and Lidl

Quote: Danno @ 20th September 2019, 10:18 AM

had a quick go this week..newsjack mojo in short supply

1. A woman has become the first swimmer to swim the English Channel four times non-stop. She's already receiving shopping orders in the event of a no deal Brexit.

2. The BBC is to drop the public vote to select the UK's next Eurovision Song Contest entrant. A spokesman said: We need to find a new way of 'Making Your Mind Up'.

Could both have got on Danno

Quote: johnfromsoho @ 20th September 2019, 9:01 AM

Here's may failures. On to next week

BREAKING NEWS:
1. The BBC is to switch off the news and sport text services on the TV red button in a move that experts say will literally effect no one

2. Scientists believe they have found a way to stop the common cold. The researchers said although it was early days the results of their work were not to be sniffed at.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1 Good news for clowns as a Man takes emotional support clown to work as he fears being sacked. Bad News for Boris Johnson as every time he turns up for a meeting people assume someone is getting fired

2. Good news for the RNLI who had a sharp increase in donations after they were attacked over funding saving lives overseas. Bad News for Bigots as the RNLI who had a sharp increase in donations after they were attacked over funding saving lives overseas

3. Good week for the number of British nationals living in the Netherlands applying to become Dutch. Bad Week for the Dutch government website that the system became clogged

Second BN my favourite

Quote: Kenny Bania @ 20th September 2019, 11:18 AM

Similar one to your 1 made it through, Danno

My rejects this week included :

A worker in New Zealand was called to attend a redundancy meeting, and took a clown along for emotional support
When offered tea or coffee, he asked for Coco

In a recent survey, 17% of parents revealed that strangers had told them off about their parenting skills
The remaining 83% were praised by their children for not speaking to strangers

It was a good week for the creator of Rastamouse who was spared jailed for fraud as the judge discovered his daughter was a fan of the show
But it was a bad week for the daughter, who was sentenced to two years in a young offenders institute when the judge discovered her favourite show was Mrs Browns Boys

It's been a bad week for the late Robert Mugabe after few of the expected mourners turned up for his funeral
And it's a particularly worrying week for the clairvoyant who assured Mr Mugabe that the stadium would be full

It was a bad week for Blenheim Palace after a valuable gold toilet was stolen, but a very bad week for the burglars, as they didn't notice that the last person to use it failed to flush away a particularly sticky poo

( In retrospect, don't really think Newsjack is the right place for puerile poo jokes )

Like BNs especially Coco. Poo jokes fun.

Avatar

Steev

  • Sunday 22nd September 2019, 4:33pm
  • England
  • 48 posts

1. An 18-carat gold toilet has been stolen from Blenheim palace. Police
investigations have ruled out Donald Trump, as he only takes golden
showers.

2. The two-headed rattlesnake found in New Jersey has been
nicknamed Double Dave, proving that Dave is always responsible for
repeats.

3. Courtney Love has claimed Prince Andrew wanted to come over for
drinks and sex. He claims he was only after alcohol, as he want to get
slightly wasted... and not slaughtered.

Avatar

Wishus

  • Monday 23rd September 2019, 3:03pm
  • Northampton, England
  • 133 posts
Quote: Thosisd @ 19th September 2019, 7:53 PM

Here's this week's misses:

Over 600 people suffered surgical mishaps over the last year, including the unnecessary removal of body parts. One patient said "Mhhhfhh mffgh mffgh mfhh!"

Outrage after a low-security prison in Derbyshire is compared to a holiday camp. The warden is expected to deliver a statement, right after he's finished calling the bingo.

Scientists are examining what causes the human fight-or-flight response, after being challenged to by a group of bigger scientists.

It's been a good week for comic book fans as Marvel released an Iron Man post-credit scene 11 years after its original release.

It's been a bad week for the nerds who sat waiting in cinemas this entire time and REALLY need a wee.

It's been a bad week for Nicola Sturgeon after she was smashed in the head playing swingball.

It's been a good week for Andy Murray as his game-winning comeback continues.

It's been a good week for insomniacs after it was revealed that banana peel tea can improve sleep quality.

It's been a bad week for the man who slipped on his tea bag but a hilarious week for his family.

Nice oneliners Thosisd, and I like your first GWBW the best.

Quote: Exe Chris @ 20th September 2019, 8:41 AM

Was disappointed not to get the email this week as I thought (unlike last week) that I had a chance. But it seems (#strawclutchingmode) that the only person on here to have got on that we've heard about so far didn't get the email either, so here's hoping there was a glitch with them...
Anyway, here's my non-successful tries for this week:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. A test provider has apologised after children sitting grammar school entrance exams were given "impossible-to-answer" questions. The exam provider has asked anyone affected to put their complaint in writing before last tuesday.
2. A New Zealand man brought a clown to his redundancy meeting to reduce stress. He says he got the idea from the UK who have appointed a clown as PM in their time of greatest stress.
3. A head teacher and her father have been found guilty of running an unregistered school in Streatham. The head's explanation that their dog ate the registration was not accepted by Ofsted.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for a London fishmonger who's Instagram feed has been mistakenly censored as containing offensive material.
It's been a good week for the same fishmonger because of the extra publicity he's got from it.
2. It's been a good week for parents who have been told that using 'time outs' will not harm their children.
It's been a bad week for parents who have now discovered that going to the pub for an hour does not constitute a 'time out'.
3. It's been a bad week for the Yellowhammer as it's associated with a worse-case scenario No-Deal Brexit.
It's been a good week for the Yellowhammer's song 'little bit of bread and no cheese' as it sums up what food is left after a No-Deal Brexit.

I really like your exam and time-out ones!

And I liked your Coco one, Kenny.

You might be interested to know, 'online writing community' that I give this forum a mention on my podcast. I recorded my Newsjack rejects on it last week. https://brdgc8.podbean.com/

Who knows what of this lot made the script, they haven't said yet. So, these are going into this week's podcast.

BREAKING NEWS:
1. After 30 years, Snickers bars are having their name changed back to Marathon, giving Eddie Izzard the perfect excuse to eat 43 of them.
2. Sarah Thomas has become the first person to swim the Channel four times non-stop, but she shouldn't get too smug: she only swam widths.
3. The Irish Government is appealing against an EU court decision to recover €13bn in unpaid tax from tech giant Apple. "You won't squeeze that much out of Apple," said an expert insider.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for Blenheim Palace after a heavy solid gold toilet was stolen from them, presumably by more than one thief. It's been a good week for Donald Trump and Nigel Farage as this time a 2-man lift gold jobbie is nothing to do with them.
2. It's been a good week for fans of thrash metal and beer as Megadeth have launched a Belgian style beer called Saison 13. It's been a bad week for Boris Johnson who went directly to Belgium and only got boos.
3. It's been a good week for Billy the Bichon Frise, saved by vets after eating cannabis, which is normally smoked by humans. It's been a bad week for some young farmers from Leighton Buzzard, after arsonists smoked their hay bale sculpture of a dog, and made it go woof.

DYSTOPIAN DAVE

KIRI: This week, four years after the unofficial biography David Cameron has released his memoirs about being PM titled For the Record, disappointing all those who expected a sequel, Babe 2: Pig in the City. Poor Dave, he just wants to let us know how he feels, but one headline about smoking pot at Eton, and we are so not bothered. So he doesn't much like Michael Gove. Where's the twist? And it turns out, Cameron's memoir is not even close to being the hot book of the week, now that Margaret Attwood's much anticipated sequel to The Handmaid's Tale is out, so what can he do now to get us interested?

PRESENTER: And now on Radio 4, our Book at Bedtime is The Testaments by... hang on, the name's been scratched out and pencilled back in. By David Cameron?
FX: MICROPHONE SQUEAL
DAVID CAMERON: Is this on? And I'm live? Ah great! Yes, this is me, David Cameron, call me Dave. Though of course, in the years following the Referendum, I had no name of my own anymore. I was known as OfRemain.
In the Republic of Brexitead I had no voice for three and a half long years. I was no longer permitted to read, not because it would break any laws, just there were a lot of people calling me an idiot and Sam thought it would upset me.
Occasionally I would go to my room where someone had scribbled "Nolite bastardes carborundorum on the wall", and I took comfort from that, even though it was in Latin, so it was probably written by Jacob Rees Mogg, and he's sodding well one of them.
All around me, the way people spoke to each other changed. We didn't say hello anymore, but 'blessed be the fruit', to be answered 'may the Dover-Calais port for fruit and veg imports stay open'. And we said 'under his eye' to mean any young women who'd gone to work in Boris Johnson's office. But as OfRemain, I could never bring myself to utter the whole Leave mantra, 'Praise Be... Rexit.'
What have I been doing since I was PM? Well, I've stayed at home with the kids, mainly occupying myself with making bread, which I love, though you get through it quickly; after three days shop-bought bread is fine, but the handmade's stale.
FX: MICROPHONE SQUEAL
PRESENTER: Well, that's quite enough of that. Tune in next week where the Book at Bedtime will be another of this year's Booker Prize shortlisted novels, 10 Minutes, 38 Seconds in This Strange World by the remaining members of Change UK.
END

Avatar

Wishus

  • Monday 23rd September 2019, 3:06pm
  • Northampton, England
  • 133 posts

So, they went for a sketch about David Cameron using Harry Potter to spice up his book, which isn't so current, but it was executed extremely well. I've taken that on board and gone with something a bit more cliched this week.

Avatar

TheTrashBat

  • Tuesday 24th September 2019, 11:46am
  • Dorset, United Kingdom
  • 76 posts

Just going to dump the sketch I sent in last week here.

[This sketch is inspired by the above story. The fictional celebrity is not intended to be Sam Smith, but more of a down -and-out opportunist, desperate for publicity.]

COMING OUT

If they're no longer in the spotlight, if the money's dried up and they aren't getting bookings anymore, celebrities can always publicly 'come out' .

FX: PHONE RINGING

REPORTER: Press enquiries, how can I help?

CELEBRITY: Can you organise a press release for me? I'd like the world to know I'm coming out as non-singular.

REPORTER: Non-singular?

CELEBRITY: [SOUNDS DRUNK] Yes, I no longer want to be referred to as 'he' but rather 'that lot over there' or 'these persons here present'.

REPORTER: Okay, let me grab a pen.... do you think you'll benefit from this change?

CELEBRITY: Oh, undoubtedly! My cousin came out as non-singular last year and is now thriving as a small village in the Scottish Highlands. And you must have heard about Colin Trimble? Getting bullied in the workplace, always being singled out. Since the transition that simply can't happen. Colin came out as an amateur rugby team on a night out after an unexpected win. It's totally solved the problem, just by going non-singular!

REPORTER: So many new terms nowadays; non-singular, non-binary... gender fluid!

CELEBRITY: Oh yes, I had some of my gender fluid frozen. In case I ever want kids you see?

REPORTER: Just jotting all this down, "In case I ever wan...", hang on shouldn't that be "we"?

CELEBRITY: Wee?! Good Lord, no. You can't make babies from frozen wee.

REPORTER: Moving on, why have you decided to come out now? I have to ask because you're the 5th D-lister... I mean , um... celebrity to contact us this week about coming out.

CELEBRITY: The time feels right, the public deserve honesty, you know? I just want to be completely transparent.

REPORTER: Well, I'm sure they'll see through this. I haven't seen you on tele lately, it's just..... do you mind if I ask, have you been drinking a lot?

CELEBRITY: Maybe a bottle or two today. If it's alcohol you're interested in, you should speak to my brother, he identifies as non-winery and is now living his life as an award winning brewery in the Cotswolds.

REPORTER: Ugh.

FX: PHONE HANGING UP

END

[I think in future I will make sure to include specific people, preferably Boris or someone else the NJ team might enjoy impersonating. And also definitely go for the low-hanging fruit in terms of topic. I should have just smashed a Brexit joke on the end :D Actually, now that I think about it the embarrassing transition for a COUNTRY trying to 'come out' may have been the better route to go down for the whole thing.]

Avatar

Rood Eye

  • Tuesday 24th September 2019, 12:17pm [Edited]
  • England
  • 3,852 posts

That's pretty good, TrashBat.

Of course, the suggestion that self-identification as this, that or the other is often just an attention-seeking load of bollocks won't go down well with everybody - but many others will applaud your efforts, and your bravery! Laughing out loud

Avatar

TheTrashBat

  • Tuesday 24th September 2019, 12:25pm [Edited]
  • Dorset, United Kingdom
  • 76 posts
Quote: Rood Eye @ 24th September 2019, 12:17 PM

That's pretty good, TrashBat.

Of course, the suggestion that self-identification as this, that or the other is often just an attention-seeking load of bollocks won't go down well with everybody - but many others will applaud your efforts, and your bravery! Laughing out loud

Ha, cheers!
I tried to make sure the joke was on the desperation of a failing celeb and the lengths they might go to to regain the limelight.
(Which I assume is fair game)
But yes..... one has to tread carefully.

Avatar

BTF

  • Tuesday 24th September 2019, 2:51pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 519 posts
Quote: Steev @ 22nd September 2019, 4:33 PM

1. An 18-carat gold toilet has been stolen from Blenheim palace. Police
investigations have ruled out Donald Trump, as he only takes golden
showers.

2. The two-headed rattlesnake found in New Jersey has been
nicknamed Double Dave, proving that Dave is always responsible for
repeats.

3. Courtney Love has claimed Prince Andrew wanted to come over for
drinks and sex. He claims he was only after alcohol, as he want to get
slightly wasted... and not slaughtered.

Like the first one. They may be wary of the third...I am not sure...

Quote: TheTrashBat @ 24th September 2019, 11:46 AM

Just going to dump the sketch I sent in last week here.

[This sketch is inspired by the above story. The fictional celebrity is not intended to be Sam Smith, but more of a down -and-out opportunist, desperate for publicity.]

COMING OUT

If they're no longer in the spotlight, if the money's dried up and they aren't getting bookings anymore, celebrities can always publicly 'come out' .

FX: PHONE RINGING

REPORTER: Press enquiries, how can I help?

CELEBRITY: Can you organise a press release for me? I'd like the world to know I'm coming out as non-singular.

REPORTER: Non-singular?

CELEBRITY: [SOUNDS DRUNK] Yes, I no longer want to be referred to as 'he' but rather 'that lot over there' or 'these persons here present'.

REPORTER: Okay, let me grab a pen.... do you think you'll benefit from this change?

CELEBRITY: Oh, undoubtedly! My cousin came out as non-singular last year and is now thriving as a small village in the Scottish Highlands. And you must have heard about Colin Trimble? Getting bullied in the workplace, always being singled out. Since the transition that simply can't happen. Colin came out as an amateur rugby team on a night out after an unexpected win. It's totally solved the problem, just by going non-singular!

REPORTER: So many new terms nowadays; non-singular, non-binary... gender fluid!

CELEBRITY: Oh yes, I had some of my gender fluid frozen. In case I ever want kids you see?

REPORTER: Just jotting all this down, "In case I ever wan...", hang on shouldn't that be "we"?

CELEBRITY: Wee?! Good Lord, no. You can't make babies from frozen wee.

REPORTER: Moving on, why have you decided to come out now? I have to ask because you're the 5th D-lister... I mean , um... celebrity to contact us this week about coming out.

CELEBRITY: The time feels right, the public deserve honesty, you know? I just want to be completely transparent.

REPORTER: Well, I'm sure they'll see through this. I haven't seen you on tele lately, it's just..... do you mind if I ask, have you been drinking a lot?

CELEBRITY: Maybe a bottle or two today. If it's alcohol you're interested in, you should speak to my brother, he identifies as non-winery and is now living his life as an award winning brewery in the Cotswolds.

REPORTER: Ugh.

FX: PHONE HANGING UP

END

[I think in future I will make sure to include specific people, preferably Boris or someone else the NJ team might enjoy impersonating. And also definitely go for the low-hanging fruit in terms of topic. I should have just smashed a Brexit joke on the end :D Actually, now that I think about it the embarrassing transition for a COUNTRY trying to 'come out' may have been the better route to go down for the whole thing.]

Clever premise. Yes, country would be good. Some funny lines.

Quote: Wishus @ 23rd September 2019, 3:03 PM

Nice oneliners Thosisd, and I like your first GWBW the best.

I really like your exam and time-out ones!

And I liked your Coco one, Kenny.

You might be interested to know, 'online writing community' that I give this forum a mention on my podcast. I recorded my Newsjack rejects on it last week. https://brdgc8.podbean.com/

Who knows what of this lot made the script, they haven't said yet. So, these are going into this week's podcast.

BREAKING NEWS:
1. After 30 years, Snickers bars are having their name changed back to Marathon, giving Eddie Izzard the perfect excuse to eat 43 of them.
2. Sarah Thomas has become the first person to swim the Channel four times non-stop, but she shouldn't get too smug: she only swam widths.
3. The Irish Government is appealing against an EU court decision to recover €13bn in unpaid tax from tech giant Apple. "You won't squeeze that much out of Apple," said an expert insider.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for Blenheim Palace after a heavy solid gold toilet was stolen from them, presumably by more than one thief. It's been a good week for Donald Trump and Nigel Farage as this time a 2-man lift gold jobbie is nothing to do with them.
2. It's been a good week for fans of thrash metal and beer as Megadeth have launched a Belgian style beer called Saison 13. It's been a bad week for Boris Johnson who went directly to Belgium and only got boos.
3. It's been a good week for Billy the Bichon Frise, saved by vets after eating cannabis, which is normally smoked by humans. It's been a bad week for some young farmers from Leighton Buzzard, after arsonists smoked their hay bale sculpture of a dog, and made it go woof.

DYSTOPIAN DAVE

KIRI: This week, four years after the unofficial biography David Cameron has released his memoirs about being PM titled For the Record, disappointing all those who expected a sequel, Babe 2: Pig in the City. Poor Dave, he just wants to let us know how he feels, but one headline about smoking pot at Eton, and we are so not bothered. So he doesn't much like Michael Gove. Where's the twist? And it turns out, Cameron's memoir is not even close to being the hot book of the week, now that Margaret Attwood's much anticipated sequel to The Handmaid's Tale is out, so what can he do now to get us interested?

PRESENTER: And now on Radio 4, our Book at Bedtime is The Testaments by... hang on, the name's been scratched out and pencilled back in. By David Cameron?
FX: MICROPHONE SQUEAL
DAVID CAMERON: Is this on? And I'm live? Ah great! Yes, this is me, David Cameron, call me Dave. Though of course, in the years following the Referendum, I had no name of my own anymore. I was known as OfRemain.
In the Republic of Brexitead I had no voice for three and a half long years. I was no longer permitted to read, not because it would break any laws, just there were a lot of people calling me an idiot and Sam thought it would upset me.
Occasionally I would go to my room where someone had scribbled "Nolite bastardes carborundorum on the wall", and I took comfort from that, even though it was in Latin, so it was probably written by Jacob Rees Mogg, and he's sodding well one of them.
All around me, the way people spoke to each other changed. We didn't say hello anymore, but 'blessed be the fruit', to be answered 'may the Dover-Calais port for fruit and veg imports stay open'. And we said 'under his eye' to mean any young women who'd gone to work in Boris Johnson's office. But as OfRemain, I could never bring myself to utter the whole Leave mantra, 'Praise Be... Rexit.'
What have I been doing since I was PM? Well, I've stayed at home with the kids, mainly occupying myself with making bread, which I love, though you get through it quickly; after three days shop-bought bread is fine, but the handmade's stale.
FX: MICROPHONE SQUEAL
PRESENTER: Well, that's quite enough of that. Tune in next week where the Book at Bedtime will be another of this year's Booker Prize shortlisted novels, 10 Minutes, 38 Seconds in This Strange World by the remaining members of Change UK.
END

Hi 3 breaking news very good. Like 2nd GWBW. Maybe introduction could be slightly shorter though they can cut it down if they want to. Monologue makes a change from verbal ping-pong. I wonder if that one voice talking on radio may be too much? You could try it out to see. They have done monologues before.