Quote: Thosisd @ 19th September 2019, 7:53 PM
Here's this week's misses:
Over 600 people suffered surgical mishaps over the last year, including the unnecessary removal of body parts. One patient said "Mhhhfhh mffgh mffgh mfhh!"
Outrage after a low-security prison in Derbyshire is compared to a holiday camp. The warden is expected to deliver a statement, right after he's finished calling the bingo.
Scientists are examining what causes the human fight-or-flight response, after being challenged to by a group of bigger scientists.
It's been a good week for comic book fans as Marvel released an Iron Man post-credit scene 11 years after its original release.
It's been a bad week for the nerds who sat waiting in cinemas this entire time and REALLY need a wee.
It's been a bad week for Nicola Sturgeon after she was smashed in the head playing swingball.
It's been a good week for Andy Murray as his game-winning comeback continues.
It's been a good week for insomniacs after it was revealed that banana peel tea can improve sleep quality.
It's been a bad week for the man who slipped on his tea bag but a hilarious week for his family.
Nice oneliners Thosisd, and I like your first GWBW the best.
Quote: Exe Chris @ 20th September 2019, 8:41 AM
Was disappointed not to get the email this week as I thought (unlike last week) that I had a chance. But it seems (#strawclutchingmode) that the only person on here to have got on that we've heard about so far didn't get the email either, so here's hoping there was a glitch with them...
Anyway, here's my non-successful tries for this week:
1. A test provider has apologised after children sitting grammar school entrance exams were given "impossible-to-answer" questions. The exam provider has asked anyone affected to put their complaint in writing before last tuesday.
2. A New Zealand man brought a clown to his redundancy meeting to reduce stress. He says he got the idea from the UK who have appointed a clown as PM in their time of greatest stress.
3. A head teacher and her father have been found guilty of running an unregistered school in Streatham. The head's explanation that their dog ate the registration was not accepted by Ofsted.
GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for a London fishmonger who's Instagram feed has been mistakenly censored as containing offensive material.
It's been a good week for the same fishmonger because of the extra publicity he's got from it.
2. It's been a good week for parents who have been told that using 'time outs' will not harm their children.
It's been a bad week for parents who have now discovered that going to the pub for an hour does not constitute a 'time out'.
3. It's been a bad week for the Yellowhammer as it's associated with a worse-case scenario No-Deal Brexit.
It's been a good week for the Yellowhammer's song 'little bit of bread and no cheese' as it sums up what food is left after a No-Deal Brexit.
I really like your exam and time-out ones!
And I liked your Coco one, Kenny.
You might be interested to know, 'online writing community' that I give this forum a mention on my podcast. I recorded my Newsjack rejects on it last week. https://brdgc8.podbean.com/
Who knows what of this lot made the script, they haven't said yet. So, these are going into this week's podcast.
1. After 30 years, Snickers bars are having their name changed back to Marathon, giving Eddie Izzard the perfect excuse to eat 43 of them.
2. Sarah Thomas has become the first person to swim the Channel four times non-stop, but she shouldn't get too smug: she only swam widths.
3. The Irish Government is appealing against an EU court decision to recover €13bn in unpaid tax from tech giant Apple. "You won't squeeze that much out of Apple," said an expert insider.
GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for Blenheim Palace after a heavy solid gold toilet was stolen from them, presumably by more than one thief. It's been a good week for Donald Trump and Nigel Farage as this time a 2-man lift gold jobbie is nothing to do with them.
2. It's been a good week for fans of thrash metal and beer as Megadeth have launched a Belgian style beer called Saison 13. It's been a bad week for Boris Johnson who went directly to Belgium and only got boos.
3. It's been a good week for Billy the Bichon Frise, saved by vets after eating cannabis, which is normally smoked by humans. It's been a bad week for some young farmers from Leighton Buzzard, after arsonists smoked their hay bale sculpture of a dog, and made it go woof.
KIRI: This week, four years after the unofficial biography David Cameron has released his memoirs about being PM titled For the Record, disappointing all those who expected a sequel, Babe 2: Pig in the City. Poor Dave, he just wants to let us know how he feels, but one headline about smoking pot at Eton, and we are so not bothered. So he doesn't much like Michael Gove. Where's the twist? And it turns out, Cameron's memoir is not even close to being the hot book of the week, now that Margaret Attwood's much anticipated sequel to The Handmaid's Tale is out, so what can he do now to get us interested?
PRESENTER: And now on Radio 4, our Book at Bedtime is The Testaments by... hang on, the name's been scratched out and pencilled back in. By David Cameron?
FX: MICROPHONE SQUEAL
DAVID CAMERON: Is this on? And I'm live? Ah great! Yes, this is me, David Cameron, call me Dave. Though of course, in the years following the Referendum, I had no name of my own anymore. I was known as OfRemain.
In the Republic of Brexitead I had no voice for three and a half long years. I was no longer permitted to read, not because it would break any laws, just there were a lot of people calling me an idiot and Sam thought it would upset me.
Occasionally I would go to my room where someone had scribbled "Nolite bastardes carborundorum on the wall", and I took comfort from that, even though it was in Latin, so it was probably written by Jacob Rees Mogg, and he's sodding well one of them.
All around me, the way people spoke to each other changed. We didn't say hello anymore, but 'blessed be the fruit', to be answered 'may the Dover-Calais port for fruit and veg imports stay open'. And we said 'under his eye' to mean any young women who'd gone to work in Boris Johnson's office. But as OfRemain, I could never bring myself to utter the whole Leave mantra, 'Praise Be... Rexit.'
What have I been doing since I was PM? Well, I've stayed at home with the kids, mainly occupying myself with making bread, which I love, though you get through it quickly; after three days shop-bought bread is fine, but the handmade's stale.
FX: MICROPHONE SQUEAL
PRESENTER: Well, that's quite enough of that. Tune in next week where the Book at Bedtime will be another of this year's Booker Prize shortlisted novels, 10 Minutes, 38 Seconds in This Strange World by the remaining members of Change UK.