British Comedy Guide

Newsjack Series 21 rejects Page 5

Newsjack. Copyright: BBC.

Newsjack

Topical satirical sketch show on Radio 4 Extra. The programme has an 'open door' policy allowing anyone to submit material

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Wishus

  • Tuesday 24th September 2019, 4:30pm
  • Northampton, England
  • 133 posts

All I can say, BTF, is that it was a lot easier for me to record than the one I did last week, but I know they like having multiple voices in the sketches.

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BTF

  • Tuesday 24th September 2019, 5:25pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 519 posts
Quote: Wishus @ 24th September 2019, 4:30 PM

All I can say, BTF, is that it was a lot easier for me to record than the one I did last week, but I know they like having multiple voices in the sketches.

Just listened to podcast last week. Tried to press like but was tricky. Like the voices and bongs. Have you thought of submitting to Release the Clowns? They have a window for this every so often but are not topical.

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Wishus

  • Tuesday 24th September 2019, 7:44pm
  • Northampton, England
  • 133 posts

I had not heard of them. I'll look them up. Thanks!

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LateDentArthurDent

  • Thursday 26th September 2019, 8:18pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 8 posts

BREAKING NEWS:

1. Doctors have warned smartphone-usage on the loo increases the risk of haemorrhoids, adding to Trump's piling problems.

2. Labour have announced plans for a four-day week. When pressed for further details this Friday, Labour's spokesperson was unavailable.

3. Thomas Cook's gone under following allegations of mismanagement, leaving hundreds of thousands stranded in offshore bank accounts.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a good week for Tom Watson, who saw off attempts to scrap his position. It's been a bad week for Labour, who saw off their nose to spite their face.

2. It's been a good week for the weirdo who bid £4,000 for Eva Braun's knickers. It's been a bad week for a competing bidder, who hoped they would match their alt-tights.

3. It's been a good week for the Northern Irish chippie owner who's started selling deep fried Jaffa cakes. It's been a bad week for the person has to handle the orange order.

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Danno

  • Thursday 26th September 2019, 9:13pm
  • Azerbaijan
  • 307 posts

I'll park these here for clamping...

Scientists have identified a molecule they think could be responsible for hypersexual behaviour. The breakthrough came after lab tests on love rats.

Google has laid claim to possessing the smartest computer on the planet. The search engine giant is now one step closer to solving its most frequently asked question: where do my lost socks end up when they go missing?

It's been a good week for everyone miserable in their jobs as John Mcdonnell announces plans for a four-day working week.
It's been a bad week for Derek in accounts whose entire reason for being is funky tie Fridays.

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Rood Eye

  • Thursday 26th September 2019, 9:33pm [Edited]
  • England
  • 3,852 posts
Quote: Danno @ 26th September 2019, 9:13 PM

Scientists have identified a molecule they think could be responsible for hypersexual behaviour. The breakthrough came after lab tests on love rats.

That's very good, Danno! Laughing out loud

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Kenny Bania

  • Thursday 26th September 2019, 10:13pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 235 posts

A few more for the discard pile. Same time next week, y'all

A leading clergyman has protested after a fashion catwalk was allowed inside Southwark Cathedral. The organiser claimed it was to showcase the work of international Christian designer Ang Lee Can
A college headteacher who ran up £150,000 worth of expenses on luxury hotels, first class travel and lobster said her pre-school reception class had thoroughly enjoyed the experience
It's been a bad week for organisers of the Melbourne cup horse race after Taylor Swift cancelled a planned performance. It's been a good week for spectators at the upcoming Melbourne cup after Taylor Swift cancelled a planned performance

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BTF

  • Thursday 26th September 2019, 10:38pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 519 posts
Quote: Kenny Bania @ 26th September 2019, 10:13 PM

A few more for the discard pile. Same time next week, y'all

A leading clergyman has protested after a fashion catwalk was allowed inside Southwark Cathedral. The organiser claimed it was to showcase the work of international Christian designer Ang Lee Can
A college headteacher who ran up £150,000 worth of expenses on luxury hotels, first class travel and lobster said her pre-school reception class had thoroughly enjoyed the experience
It's been a bad week for organisers of the Melbourne cup horse race after Taylor Swift cancelled a planned performance. It's been a good week for spectators at the upcoming Melbourne cup after Taylor Swift cancelled a planned performance

Like GWBW. Ang Lee can interesting angle. Would it read out like a name on radio. It probably would.

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Exe Chris

  • Thursday 26th September 2019, 10:49pm
  • Exeter, England
  • 78 posts

My weekly visit to this page. Was probably most hopeful for my bog standard pun attempt Breaking News number 2 but alas it was not to be...
BREAKING NEWS:
1. Dozens of people turned up at Area 51 on September 20th in order to 'see the aliens'. President Trump said there are no aliens there now as he has had them all deported to "Make the Milky Way Great Again".
2. A new report shows efforts to cut a fifth of the sugar out of our food by next year are way off target. Campaigners have said that the news is a bitter blow.
3. Taylor Swift has cancelled a proposed performance at the Melbourne Cup in November. Often criticised as cruel and causing unnecessary suffering, Swift's concerts are nevertheless sold out months in advance.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for the US Air Force who have had to apologise for a threatening tweet sent regarding people who had turned up to Area 51 to 'see the aliens'.
It's been a good week for the aliens who have a much larger pool of potential abductees right on their doorstep.
2. It's been a bad week for schools as pupils stage another one-day climate change protest.
It's been a good week for pupils, since not only did they have an extra day off, it was on an unseasonably warm day.
3. It's been a good week for workers as Labour has promised to introduce a 32 hour working week.
It's been a bad week for workers when they've realised that Labour would have to win an election in order for that to happen.

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BTF

  • Thursday 26th September 2019, 10:54pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 519 posts
Quote: Danno @ 26th September 2019, 9:13 PM

I'll park these here for clamping...

Scientists have identified a molecule they think could be responsible for hypersexual behaviour. The breakthrough came after lab tests on love rats.

Google has laid claim to possessing the smartest computer on the planet. The search engine giant is now one step closer to solving its most frequently asked question: where do my lost socks end up when they go missing?

It's been a good week for everyone miserable in their jobs as John Mcdonnell announces plans for a four-day working week.
It's been a bad week for Derek in accounts whose entire reason for being is funky tie Fridays.

Love rat one - I like it.

Google's laid claim to possessing the smartest computer on the planet and is now one step closer to solving it's most frequent question: where do my lost socks end up when they go missing? I just shortened it slightly if you don't mind my interference as I love shortening. I feel this is a Newsjacky joke and would have been right up their street. One person could say the first bit and a second person the bit 'where do my socks...'. so gag would go well on radio. What do I know - but that is what I think.
Third one quite Newsjack type I think. Like alliteration.

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Rood Eye

  • Thursday 26th September 2019, 11:01pm [Edited]
  • England
  • 3,852 posts
Quote: Kenny Bania @ 26th September 2019, 10:13 PM

A leading clergyman has protested after a fashion catwalk was allowed inside Southwark Cathedral. The organiser claimed it was to showcase the work of international Christian designer Ang Lee Can

Or, you might have gone with:

"A leading clergyman has protested after scantily clad male and female models paraded at a fashion show inside Southwark Cathedral. When asked why he was protesting, the clergyman explained that the human body is God's finest design work and the models were covering up the best bits!"

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BTF

  • Thursday 26th September 2019, 11:09pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 519 posts
Quote: Exe Chris @ 26th September 2019, 10:49 PM

My weekly visit to this page. Was probably most hopeful for my bog standard pun attempt Breaking News number 2 but alas it was not to be...
BREAKING NEWS:
1. Dozens of people turned up at Area 51 on September 20th in order to 'see the aliens'. President Trump said there are no aliens there now as he has had them all deported to "Make the Milky Way Great Again".
2. A new report shows efforts to cut a fifth of the sugar out of our food by next year are way off target. Campaigners have said that the news is a bitter blow.
3. Taylor Swift has cancelled a proposed performance at the Melbourne Cup in November. Often criticised as cruel and causing unnecessary suffering, Swift's concerts are nevertheless sold out months in advance.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for the US Air Force who have had to apologise for a threatening tweet sent regarding people who had turned up to Area 51 to 'see the aliens'.
It's been a good week for the aliens who have a much larger pool of potential abductees right on their doorstep.
2. It's been a bad week for schools as pupils stage another one-day climate change protest.
It's been a good week for pupils, since not only did they have an extra day off, it was on an unseasonably warm day.
3. It's been a good week for workers as Labour has promised to introduce a 32 hour working week.
It's been a bad week for workers when they've realised that Labour would have to win an election in order for that to happen.

Some good ones.
I liked BN number two. Just wondering maybe.... Campaigners have said the news has left a bitter taste . I can see the GWBWs on show, tbh.

Quote: LateDentArthurDent @ 26th September 2019, 8:18 PM

BREAKING NEWS:

1. Doctors have warned smartphone-usage on the loo increases the risk of haemorrhoids, adding to Trump's piling problems.

2. Labour have announced plans for a four-day week. When pressed for further details this Friday, Labour's spokesperson was unavailable.
By
3. Thomas Cook's gone under following allegations of mismanagement, leaving hundreds of thousands stranded in offshore bank accounts.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a good week for Tom Watson, who saw off attempts to scrap his position. It's been a bad week for Labour, who saw off their nose to spite their face.

2. It's been a good week for the weirdo who bid £4,000 for Eva Braun's knickers. It's been a bad week for a competing bidder, who hoped they would match their alt-tights.

3. It's been a good week for the Northern Irish chippie owner who's started selling deep fried Jaffa cakes. It's been a bad week for the person has to handle the orange order.

Could see some on show. Or hear. Nice and succinct. Maybe they wouldn't use weirdo. Not sure

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Kenny Bania

  • Thursday 26th September 2019, 11:12pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 235 posts
Quote: Exe Chris @ 26th September 2019, 10:49 PM

My weekly visit to this page. Was probably most hopeful for my bog standard pun attempt Breaking News number 2 but alas it was not to be...
BREAKING NEWS:
1. Dozens of people turned up at Area 51 on September 20th in order to 'see the aliens'. President Trump said there are no aliens there now as he has had them all deported to "Make the Milky Way Great Again".
2. A new report shows efforts to cut a fifth of the sugar out of our food by next year are way off target. Campaigners have said that the news is a bitter blow.
3. Taylor Swift has cancelled a proposed performance at the Melbourne Cup in November. Often criticised as cruel and causing unnecessary suffering, Swift's concerts are nevertheless sold out months in advance.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for the US Air Force who have had to apologise for a threatening tweet sent regarding people who had turned up to Area 51 to 'see the aliens'.
It's been a good week for the aliens who have a much larger pool of potential abductees right on their doorstep.
2. It's been a bad week for schools as pupils stage another one-day climate change protest.
It's been a good week for pupils, since not only did they have an extra day off, it was on an unseasonably warm day.
3. It's been a good week for workers as Labour has promised to introduce a 32 hour working week.
It's been a bad week for workers when they've realised that Labour would have to win an election in order for that to happen.

Enjoyed both number 3s

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Rood Eye

  • Thursday 26th September 2019, 11:30pm [Edited]
  • England
  • 3,852 posts
Quote: BTF @ 26th September 2019, 11:09 PM

Maybe they wouldn't use weirdo. Not sure

If he'd stolen Eva's knickers off her washing line in the 1930s, you might call him a weirdo.

Buying them at auction in 2019 isn't even remotely weird.

And no - it wasn't me who bought them! Laughing out loud

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KevDP4L

  • Thursday 26th September 2019, 11:32pm
  • Belfast, Northern Ireland
  • 71 posts

My rejects (and one success) for this week:

Breaking News:
1. Shadow Chancellor John McDonnell has announced plans to move to a four-day working week after misunderstanding what voters meant by wanting less Labour.
2. It has been revealed that Queen Elizabeth has a stamp-collection worth £100 million, or as she prefers to call it, her selfie-collection.
3. After the announcement that their next game will be played behind closed doors, the Welsh football manager has asked Scotland for advice on how they cope with having no fans turn up to their matches.

Good Week/Bad Week
1. It's been a bad week for the makers of an anti-hangover drink after a German court made their product illegal by ruling that hangovers are a legitimate illness.
It's been a good week for the German public, who no longer need to come up with excuses to skip work during Oktoberfest.
2. It's been a good week for Batman fans, as the Bat signal was shone over cities across the world to mark the comics' 80th anniversary.
It's been a bad week for police, as they struggled to cope with all the members of Father's For Justice that the signals attracted.

It was my 2nd GWBW that made the show - I have to admit I was a bit surprised, because I thought some of my other ones were stronger, but either way I'm not complaining!