British Comedy Guide

Newsjack Series 21 rejects Page 6

Newsjack. Copyright: BBC.

Newsjack

Topical satirical sketch show on Radio 4 Extra. The programme has an 'open door' policy allowing anyone to submit material

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Rood Eye

  • Thursday 26th September 2019, 11:41pm [Edited]
  • England
  • 3,852 posts
Quote: KevDP4L @ 26th September 2019, 11:32 PM

2. It's been a good week for Batman fans, as the Bat signal was shone over cities across the world to mark the comics' 80th anniversary.
It's been a bad week for police, as they struggled to cope with all the members of Father's For Justice that the signals attracted.

It was my 2nd GWBW that made the show - I have to admit I was a bit surprised

It's a decent joke so it's no great surprise it made the show.

It takes a pop at Fathers For Justice so that's a plus in the modern BBC comedy climate.

Try taking a pop at #MeToo and see how far you get! Laughing out loud

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Joe Oakes

  • Thursday 26th September 2019, 11:48pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 28 posts

BREAKING NEWS:
1. The world's first Vagina Museum is set to open in London, unless it decides to stay shut, which would be totally cool.
2. The world's first Vagina Museum is set to open in London, in what is expected to be THE red carpet event for menstration awareness.
3. 10 migrants posing as a volleyball team have been detained in Athens, a further 15 suspected migrants posing as a Scottish rugby team have been detained in Japan.

Notes:
Tried a different tact for my third and final attempt. Now that I've had the pleasure of hearing two shows, instead of being original and funny I figured my only hope was to be tame, woke & obvious.

1. In the style of that old John Thomson character, Bernard Righton. They may have smelt the contempt for their editorial stance on this, if only they had a comedy brain between them, but I still feel it was far stronger than the weak Vag Museum joke they went with.
2. This was the only other 'useable' c**t museum joke I had (from a selection of 47). Obvious, but I liked how the punchline sits hidden in the middle until you get to the end. Whoever read it must have thought 'doesn't this guy get that the punchline has to come at the end of the joke? Hasn't he heard of Amy Schumer?'. No.
3. This joke is worst thing I've ever written, and I include my pro-Isis folk-rock album. I'm ashamed to have lowered myself into such hacky shit. After I wrote this I didn't have the heart to do GWBW, I coud barely muster the strength to kick a homeless man to death to cheer myself up.

On Sunday, instead of writing 'zingers' for NJ, I'll be writing a diatribe in the 'I hate Newsjack' thread. Bitter? Maybe, but my review of the 7 minute monologues of virtue signalling and pub jokes definitely will be.

No offence to those who've had material accepted, because YOUR joke (or sketch) was the single funny thing on the show.

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Rood Eye

  • Friday 27th September 2019, 12:02am
  • England
  • 3,852 posts
Quote: Joe Oakes @ 26th September 2019, 11:48 PM

BREAKING NEWS:
1. The world's first Vagina Museum is set to open in London, unless it decides to stay shut, which would be totally cool.

That's very good - but I suspect it's just a little too clever/layered for NewsJack. Laughing out loud

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Joe Oakes

  • Friday 27th September 2019, 12:15am
  • United Kingdom
  • 28 posts
Quote: Rood Eye @ 27th September 2019, 12:02 AM

That's very good - but I suspect it's just a little too clever/layered for NewsJack. Laughing out loud

Too clever? If I dumbed down my jokes any further I'd give myself a serious brain injury.

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BTF

  • Friday 27th September 2019, 7:18am [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 519 posts
Quote: KevDP4L @ 26th September 2019, 11:32 PM

My rejects (and one success) for this week:

Breaking News:
1. Shadow Chancellor John McDonnell has announced plans to move to a four-day working week after misunderstanding what voters meant by wanting less Labour.
2. It has been revealed that Queen Elizabeth has a stamp-collection worth £100 million, or as she prefers to call it, her selfie-collection.
3. After the announcement that their next game will be played behind closed doors, the Welsh football manager has asked Scotland for advice on how they cope with having no fans turn up to their matches.

Good Week/Bad Week
1. It's been a bad week for the makers of an anti-hangover drink after a German court made their product illegal by ruling that hangovers are a legitimate illness.
It's been a good week for the German public, who no longer need to come up with excuses to skip work during Oktoberfest.
2. It's been a good week for Batman fans, as the Bat signal was shone over cities across the world to mark the comics' 80th anniversary.
It's been a bad week for police, as they struggled to cope with all the members of Father's For Justice that the signals attracted.

It was my 2nd GWBW that made the show - I have to admit I was a bit surprised, because I thou
ght some of my other ones were stronger, but either way I'm not complaining!

These are all good. Selfie collection...like it.

Can be surprising which ones NJ will choose and think are funny.

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BTF

  • Friday 27th September 2019, 8:04am [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 519 posts

Embarrassing rejects here. Sharing as not fair to read everyone else's and not put mine up!
They are very obvious jokes that everyone will have sent loads of different versions of.

Breaking News
1. The world's first Vagina Museum is set to open next month in London, but will close every 28 days for a period, and this will operate on a monthly basis.
2. The world's first Vagina Museum, set to open next month in London, may need a better map of the building, after handymen were found wandering the corridors, lost and confused, in an attempt to locate the Clitoris Room.
3. London's Tower Bridge shut for a mass yoga sesson this week as more than 16 miles of streets were closed for Car-free day. When asked for comment, yoga participants said, 'Ommmmm.....not sure!'

Good Week Bad Week
1. It's been a bad week for traffic flow after 44,000 pounds of Nutella were spilt on an Indiana highway when a truck rolled over.
It's been a good week for street cleaners who arrived quickly, armed with road sweepers, cleaning brushes and packets of waffles.
2. It's been a good week for a wildlife photographer on a Kenya nature reserve who discovered an extremely rare spotted zebra.
It's been a bad week for the leopard in the neighbouring reserve who's been refused parental contact.
3. It's been a good week for Facebook - after announcing the launch of their new camera which will clip on to people's televisions.
It's been a bad week for Facebook users - Facebook have announced they're branching into films and are making a sequel to the Truman Show.

Quote: Joe Oakes @ 27th September 2019, 12:15 AM

Too clever? If I dumbed down my jokes any further I'd give myself a serious brain injury.

Very true!Laughing out loudLaughing out loudLaughing out loudLaughing out loud

I haven't listened yet. Will be interesting to see which Vag joke they went for since I went for two obvious takes and Joe Oakes went for two more original slants on it.

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Kenny Bania

  • Friday 27th September 2019, 8:50am
  • United Kingdom
  • 235 posts
Quote: BTF @ 27th September 2019, 8:04 AM

Embarrassing rejects here. Sharing as not fair to read everyone else's and not put mine up!
They are very obvious jokes that everyone will have sent loads of different versions of.

Breaking News
1. The world's first Vagina Museum is set to open next month in London, but will close every 28 days for a period, and this will operate on a monthly basis.
2. The world's first Vagina Museum, set to open next month in London, may need a better map of the building, after handymen were found wandering the corridors, lost and confused, in an attempt to locate the Clitoris Room.
3. London's Tower Bridge shut for a mass yoga sesson this week as more than 16 miles of streets were closed for Car-free day. When asked for comment, yoga participants said, 'Ommmmm.....not sure!'

Good Week Bad Week
1. It's been a bad week for traffic flow after 44,000 pounds of Nutella were spilt on an Indiana highway when a truck rolled over.
It's been a good week for street cleaners who arrived quickly, armed with road sweepers, cleaning brushes and packets of waffles.
2. It's been a good week for a wildlife photographer on a Kenya nature reserve who discovered an extremely rare spotted zebra.
It's been a bad week for the leopard in the neighbouring reserve who's been refused parental contact.
3. It's been a good week for Facebook - after announcing the launch of their new camera which will clip on to people's televisions.
It's been a bad week for Facebook users - Facebook have announced they're branching into films and are making a sequel to the Truman Show.

Very true!Laughing out loudLaughing out loudLaughing out loudLaughing out loud

I haven't listened yet. Will be interesting to see which Vag joke they went for since I went for two obvious takes and Joe Oakes went for two more original slants on it.

BTF

Like the idea with 2 - maybe something like
'The world's first vagina museum is to open in London next month. The idea for the clitoris room has been scrapped, as no one would ever find it anyway'
( particularly if read in a slightly bitter way )

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BTF

  • Friday 27th September 2019, 9:35am
  • United Kingdom
  • 519 posts
Quote: Kenny Bania @ 27th September 2019, 8:50 AM

BTF

Like the idea with 2 - maybe something like
'The world's first vagina museum is to open in London next month. The idea for the clitoris room has been scrapped, as no one would ever find it anyway'
( particularly if read in a slightly bitter way )

Yes! Good idea

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skram

  • Friday 27th September 2019, 10:11am [Edited]
  • Dartmoor, England
  • 68 posts

My rejects:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Southwest Airlines apologised this week after one of their gate staff laughed at the name of a 5 year old passenger called Ab-si-dee, spelt "a-b-c-d-e" - "I'm Embarrassed ", said the girl's mother, "but you can call me Em for short".

2. Footage of people throwing large parcels over the wall at Bristol Prison has been condemned by justice secretary Robert Buckland who said "we've got to stop these prisoners ordering from Amazon".

3. Former boxing champ Carl Froch has claimed the earth is flat and NASA faked the moon landings, reinvigorating the age-old debate about whether to believe the world's top scientists and academics, or a man who gets punched in the head for a living.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for Walmart customers as the company announced it will stop selling e-cigarettes due to health concerns; it's been a good week for Walmart customers as the company announced a sale of 25% off all firearms.

2. It's been a bad week for 5 year old "Ab-si-dee", who was ridiculed for her name being spelt "a-b-c-d-e"; it's been a good week for her brother Juan Two-Three-Four-Five.

3. It's been a bad week for holidaymakers following the collapse of Thomas Cook; it's been a good week for producers of the new TV series "I'm a Package Tourist... Get Me Out Of Here!".

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Steev

  • Friday 27th September 2019, 11:09am
  • England
  • 48 posts

1. Theatre news, and "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat" is set to return to the Palladium next year. We all hoped we'd seen the last of Jason Donovan, but nevermind... any dream will do.

2. A strict mum has made her son's friends sign a contract before they're allowed to sleep over. When asked "Why?", the mother said simply, "Why? Why? Because I said so! That's why!"

3. Hundreds of conspiracy theorists have descended on Area 51, wearing their tin foil hats, in an attempt to find "them thar aliens", after the meme spread on the internet. While no one can find the source of the joke, the PR department of Bacofoil have been curiously silent.

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MrLiamArnold

  • Friday 27th September 2019, 11:15am
  • Cambridge, United Kingdom
  • 6 posts

Breaking News:
1. A street in Manchester has opened the first pedestrian slow lane for people who walk with their smartphones, it is currently twinned with the M6.
2. A chip shop in Northern Ireland has become the first in the UK to offer deep fried Jaffa cakes, whilst controversial, it has gone down particularly badly with Orangemen.
3. It has been reported that British people spend three times as long making tea as doing daily exercise, the report suggests this is due to a confusion over kettle bells.

GW/BW:
1. It's been a good week for Mary Berry after she successfully sued an American craft beer company for using her name.
But it's been a bad week for Pale Ale Hollywood.
2. It's been a bad week for the Russian Navy, after one of its ships was sank by a walrus.
But it's been a worse week for The Beatles, who are under investigation.
3. It's been a good week for John McDonnell, who announced Labour would support a 32-hour working week.
But it's been a bad week for MP's, who now have to work 32 hours a week.

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Danno

  • Friday 27th September 2019, 11:22am
  • Azerbaijan
  • 307 posts

Seriously, Carl Froch is a flat-earther???
Reckon it's a PR stunt cos he's worried he's lost his edge.
But, no. Seriously?

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Costello

  • Friday 27th September 2019, 11:24am
  • England
  • 7 posts

First time contributor this week.
So disappointed not to get in the show, but understand I've got a lot to learn.

Including - may I ask the experienced contributors a stupid question? When submitting, do you always provide the same .RTF file format back. Is it bad form to use a Word Doc (.docx) or any other format? Appreciate the submission guide asks not to receive PDFs, but just wanted to check the norm.

Also, feel the need to share my rejections to release them into the wild. So fly my pretties!
1. A Parisian bistro has caused a furore charging 44p for a single slice of lemon. The customer reported it left them with a sour taste in their mouth.
2. An independent review of National Parks commissioned by the former environment secretary Michael Gove has suggested encouraging every schoolchild to spend a night 'under the stars'. Fortunately, Gove's no-deal Brexit strategy should ensure enough home repossessions to make this a reality. (similar and better version made it into the show)

1. Good week for the police as a specially trained sniffer-dog Colin recovered £13k in stolen money. Bad week for the Vote Leave campaign, as even he still cannot find any trace of the £350 million promised for the NHS.
2. Good week for Vegans, as Barrister Michael Mansfield QC gave a speech to the Labour party, suggesting eating meat may become illegal in the future in a bid to fight climate change. A bad week for Colonel Sanders who's seeking asylum at the Ecuadorian Embassy.
3. Good week for the 97-year-old war veteran, who parachuted out over the Dutch city of Arnhem as part of the 75th anniversary of Operation Market Garden. Bad week for the locals as he then went on to capture Arnhem bridge and is now manoeuvring towards Berlin.

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BTF

  • Friday 27th September 2019, 1:24pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 519 posts

Costello liked your 1 and 2 BNs and 1 and 3 GWBW.

Quote: MrLiamArnold @ 27th September 2019, 11:15 AM

Breaking News:
1. A street in Manchester has opened the first pedestrian slow lane for people who walk with their smartphones, it is currently twinned with the M6.
2. A chip shop in Northern Ireland has become the first in the UK to offer deep fried Jaffa cakes, whilst controversial, it has gone down particularly badly with Orangemen.
3. It has been reported that British people spend three times as long making tea as doing daily exercise, the report suggests this is due to a confusion over kettle bells.

GW/BW:
1. It's been a good week for Mary Berry after she successfully sued an American craft beer company for using her name.
But it's been a bad week for Pale Ale Hollywood.
2. It's been a bad week for the Russian Navy, after one of its ships was sank by a walrus.
But it's been a worse week for The Beatles, who are under investigation.
3. It's been a good week for John McDonnell, who announced Labour would support a 32-hour working week.
But it's been a bad week for MP's, who now have to work 32 hours a week.

Like third BN and third GWBW

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Sheepstar

  • Friday 27th September 2019, 1:27pm
  • Manchester, England
  • 15 posts

Here are my rejects..

1. After hundreds of people descended on Area 51 as part of the 'Storm Area 51' internet prank, a man was arrested for indecent exposure. He was found to have an extra-terrestrial.

2. This week Sir Paul McCartney said the 2016 Brexit referendum was 'probably a mistake'. He went on to say it's been 'a long and winding road', but if we 'come together', 'with a little help from our friends', 'we can work it out'. But if we don't agree a deal we just have to 'let it be'....

3. There has been a huge rise in catalytic converter thefts from cars in London. A police spokesman said "we've apprehended a criminal in the ultra low emission zone, he was exhausted and will be spending some time in chokey"

And some good week / bad week rejects

WEEK:
1. It's been a good week for sooty after an original puppet sold for £3,000 at auction.
It's been a bad week for Brian Connelly who commented on the sale "IT'S A PUPPET!!"

2. It's been a bad week for Thomas Cook with the firm entering administration.
It's been a good week for Greta Thunberg as another planet killing corporation is forced to ground their planes.

3. It's been a good week for Google after one of their computers solved a problem in four minutes that would take a normal computer 10,000 years.
It's been a bad week for Brexit negotiators as the same Google computer, trying to resolve the issue of the Irish backstop, presented them with the EU blue screen of death.