British Comedy Guide

Newsjack Series 21 rejects Page 12

Newsjack. Copyright: BBC.

Newsjack

Topical satirical sketch show on Radio 4 Extra. The programme has an 'open door' policy allowing anyone to submit material

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BTF

  • Thursday 10th October 2019, 7:20pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 519 posts

These are the very weak stinkers I sent in last minute which did deserve rejection.
GWBW

It's been a good week for cinema-goers, who've enjoyed seeing the film of Judy Garland's life.
It's been a bad week for three devoted fans - they'd love to see the film if they only had the heart for it, or the brains or the courage.

It's been a bad week for the Joker movie as viewers walked out in droves, complaining that it was sick and nasty.
It's been a worse week for Boris Johnson, who doesn't understand why people are refusing to watch him at Prime Minister's Question time.

It's been a good week for the author of a book on Margaret Thatcher, as Boris Johnson attended his book launch.
It's been a bad week for Brexit as Boris Johnson is attending book launches.

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BTF

  • Thursday 10th October 2019, 8:04pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 519 posts
Quote: Jee Knee @ 10th October 2019, 6:50 PM

I'd completely forgotten about this thread! Some real gems on here, and congrats to people who have had stuff on. Sorry for dropping 5 loads of decomposing one-liners in one sitting. Cast your fine, fine minds back to week 1....

WEEK 1

BREAKING NEWS
1. The average cost of a wedding in the UK is now over 30 thousand pounds, although all Strictly contestants will be offered discounts for buying in bulk.
2. In response to calls for Parliament to modernise, the government has confirmed that the new Speaker of the House of Commons will be an Alexa.
3. A new science curriculum for schools in Wales has been criticised for promoting creationism. Teachers are having a hard time convincing Welsh kids that God separated the water from the Earth in order to create dry land. [EDITOR'S NOTE: As if that was ever likely to get on...] [AUTHOR'S NOTE: I'm operating a 'two for them, one for me' policy this series, so just watch your tone, okay? You were a right mouthy little t*** by the end of series 20.]

GOOD WEEK / BAD WEEK
1. It's been a good week for John Bercow, who has confirmed that he will step down as Speaker of the House of Commons. It's been a bad week for John Bercow, who, like most old speakers, will now be put in a corner of the spare room and then dumped outside a charity shop.
2. It's been a good week for Birmingham, which announced plans for a new HS2 extension link with Nottingham. It's been a bad week for Nottingham, which set fire to itself and ran away screaming.
3. It's been a good week for the opposition party in Russia, which won a record number of seats in Moscow city elections. It's been a bad week for the opposition party in Russia because I've just been informed that it did not win any seats in the Moscow city elections. There were no Moscow elections. Have you met Enormous Dmitri? He's a very angry man. You know what makes him angry? People asking questions about things that do not concern them. [EDITOR'S NOTE: Boy, you weren't kidding about the 'one for you' thing, were you?] [AUTHOR'S NOTE: I know, I know. Although there have been a few ones this series that have mucked around with the template slightly, so I live in hope...] [EDITOR'S NOTE: I wouldn't.]

Personally, I like 1 and 2 then 1,2,3. 3 not a problem messing with usual format if it was tightened up just slightly. Funny jokes and the different voices are back!

Quote: Jee Knee @ 10th October 2019, 7:12 PM

WEEK 2 - Apparently one of these made the script / recording but was led around to the back of the stables and shot in the head before broadcast. Probably for the best. It must have been in tremendous pain.

BREAKING NEWS
1. Instagram has apologised after a photo of a fishmongers shop window was mistakenly censored for offensive content. An investigation concluded that there was no prawnographic material on display. [AUTHOR: Wah wah]

2. Researchers at Dundee University have discovered that hunger leads to poorer decision-making, which explains the continued success of the Greggs chicken tikka pasty. [EDITOR: Is that actually a th--] [AUTHOR: Don't know, don't care.]

3. Sarah Thomas has become the first person to swim the English Channel four times in a row. She is now poised to take over as Britain's national ferry service in the event of a no-deal Brexit.

GOOD WEEK / BAD WEEK
1. It's been a bad week for a man in Auckland who brought a clown to his own redundancy meeting for emotional support. It's been a good week for the clown, who was allowed to keep his suspiciously small company car.

2. It's been a good week for Sainsbury's, which has announced plans to halve plastic packaging by 2025. It's been a bad week for Sainsbury's employees, who will have to sweep up an awful lot of cereal. [AUTHOR: I hate this one so, so much.]

3. It's been a bad week for racing fans after a huge brawl erupted at a meeting at Doncaster. It's been a good week for the punters who had seven to two on the lad in the blue waistcoat getting the bald one in a headlock. [EDITOR: Hey, what was that you were saying earlier about horses? I wasn't really paying attention.] [AUTHOR: Hmmm? Oh... nothing. Forget it. Just a needless artistic flourish. Exactly the sort of thing that Newsjack really likes.] [EDITOR: I think you just dislocated an eyeball with that sarcasm.] [AUTHOR: Nah, mate. My eyes are like Limp Bizkit. They just keep rollin'.] [AUTHOR : That's a solid pop culture reference right there. From nineteen f***ing years ago.]

Like them all. Especially gwbw 3 funny.

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Jee Knee

  • Thursday 10th October 2019, 8:08pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 17 posts

WEEK 3

BREAKING NEWS
1. Labour's John McDonnell has pledged to introduce a four-day working week. A spokesman for the M1's roadside maintenance team said that he was outraged by this 50% increase.

2. At a gender reveal party in Texas, a pregnant couple signalled that they were expecting a boy by throwing a blue watermelon into the mouth of a hippopotamus. They were then politely asked to leave the maternity unit.

3. A leaked NASA research paper which claimed that Google had achieved something called 'quantum supremacy' was proved 100% correct when everyone immediately had to google 'quantum supremacy'.

GOOD WEEK / BAD WEEK
1. It's been a bad week for Jeremy Clarkson, who complained that seagulls have started ruining the crops on his new farm. It's been a good week for Jeremy Clarkson's neighbours, who at last have something to drown out all that obnoxious squawking. [EDITOR: Proud of that one, were you?] [AUTHOR: Damn right I was. Never stood a chance.]

2. It's been a good week for The Simpsons, which won the Emmy Award for Best Animation. It's been a bad week for Jacob Rees-Mogg, who narrowly missed out on an Emmy Award for Best Re-Animation. [EDITOR: Would I be right in thinking that you've tried a version of this gag after every Emmy/Bafta/Oscars award show?] [AUTHOR: I don't have to listen to such outrageous, slanderous accusations from a mere figment of my imagination.]

3. It's been a good week for a man in Suffolk who discovered 99 perfectly preserved Anglo-Saxon coins buried in a field. But it's also been a bad week for the man as he failed to discover the perfectly preserved Anglo-Saxon ice cream van buried alongside. [EDITOR: This makes no goddamn sense whatsoever. You're implying that not only was there ice cream and ice cream vans in Anglo-Saxon times, they charged 99 whatever... groats?... for an ice cream (which, incidentally, is no longer the price of a 99 Flake anyway) and some bloke paid for one of them with 99 individual coins. Piss poor effort.] [AUTHOR: Yeah, well... I'll admit that it's not strong, but it made me chuckle.] [EDITOR: Lose the 'made me chuckle' attitude, mate, and you might just get something on the programme.] [AUTHOR: Oooh! Miaow. Having a pop at the show now, eh? That's normally my schtick.] [EDITOR: Give it a rest, okay? I'm not in the mood. I think Claire is going to leave me.]

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Danno

  • Thursday 10th October 2019, 8:15pm [Edited]
  • Azerbaijan
  • 307 posts

A Texas man has been found guilty of robbing a bank to pay for a wedding ring. Both his wife and the best man have also been arrested for handling stolen goods.

Lego has announced a scheme to recycle its plastic bricks. A Lego man gave the following statement: *silence*

PizzaExpress has called in financial consultants to help deal with three years of unpaid debts. The struggling chain continues to knead dough. (must have been done before, but i thought it's the kind of bilge NJ might go for)

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Rood Eye

  • Thursday 10th October 2019, 8:16pm
  • England
  • 3,852 posts
Quote: Jee Knee @ 10th October 2019, 6:50 PM

3. A new science curriculum for schools in Wales has been criticised for promoting creationism. Teachers are having a hard time convincing Welsh kids that God separated the water from the Earth in order to create dry land. [EDITOR'S NOTE: As if that was ever likely to get on...]

I don't get the joke. :(

Also, can you explain what the editor's note means?

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Danno

  • Thursday 10th October 2019, 8:21pm
  • Azerbaijan
  • 307 posts

cos it always rains in Wales?

notes are imagined Editor's thoughts

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Rood Eye

  • Thursday 10th October 2019, 8:50pm
  • England
  • 3,852 posts
Quote: Danno @ 10th October 2019, 8:21 PM

cos it always rains in Wales?

notes are imagined Editor's thoughts

Thanks, Danno.

I now understand what Jee Nee was getting at.

Wales does get a fair bit of rain. Laughing out loud

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Jee Knee

  • Thursday 10th October 2019, 8:51pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 17 posts
Quote: Danno @ 10th October 2019, 8:21 PM

cos it always rains in Wales?

notes are imagined Editor's thoughts

What he said. But it's not a great joke given that it relies on knowing the bit of Genesis that comes a few lines after 'in the beginning', so you can see why that was another one for the compost heap.

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BTF

  • Thursday 10th October 2019, 8:58pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 519 posts
Quote: Danno @ 10th October 2019, 8:15 PM

A Texas man has been found guilty of robbing a bank to pay for a wedding ring. Both his wife and the best man have also been arrested for handling stolen goods.

Lego has announced a scheme to recycle its plastic bricks. A Lego man gave the following statement: *silence*

PizzaExpress has called in financial consultants to help deal with three years of unpaid debts. The struggling chain continues to knead dough. (must have been done before, but i thought it's the kind of bilge NJ might go for)

Like them. Do like 3. Might be tricky for enough showtime to register silence. Could maybe say..a Lego man was asked to comment but remained silent...

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Kenny Bania

  • Thursday 10th October 2019, 9:02pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 235 posts

The latest bad batch.

A man has been jailed in the USA after he overslept and missed jury duty. He apologised and said he was up late the previous night watching 12 Angry Men

The possessions of the late musician Keith Flint will come up for auction in November. His toys will be sold separately in a special 'child Prodigy' auction

Japan airlines are to allow passengers who book seats online to see the location of children under two years old. The children will be grouped together in a section known as 'someone small's done their business' class

It's been a good week for fans of Tutankhamun as his treasures will soon be on display again. And it's a good week for visitors , as they will get an admission discount if they're accompanied by their mummy

It was a bad week for Margate based musician Pete Doherty, who's been given a six month driving ban, It's going to be a worrying six months for the cyclists of Margate

It was a good week for people lucky enough to get Glastonbury tickets. And a good week for Michael Eavis, as he has now booked his headline act, 70's glam rock band Mud

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BTF

  • Thursday 10th October 2019, 9:07pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 519 posts
Quote: Jee Knee @ 10th October 2019, 8:08 PM

WEEK 3

BREAKING NEWS
1. Labour's John McDonnell has pledged to introduce a four-day working week. A spokesman for the M1's roadside maintenance team said that he was outraged by this 50% increase.

2. At a gender reveal party in Texas, a pregnant couple signalled that they were expecting a boy by throwing a blue watermelon into the mouth of a hippopotamus. They were then politely asked to leave the maternity unit.

3. A leaked NASA research paper which claimed that Google had achieved something called 'quantum supremacy' was proved 100% correct when everyone immediately had to google 'quantum supremacy'.

GOOD WEEK / BAD WEEK
1. It's been a bad week for Jeremy Clarkson, who complained that seagulls have started ruining the crops on his new farm. It's been a good week for Jeremy Clarkson's neighbours, who at last have something to drown out all that obnoxious squawking. [EDITOR: Proud of that one, were you?] [AUTHOR: Damn right I was. Never stood a chance.]

2. It's been a good week for The Simpsons, which won the Emmy Award for Best Animation. It's been a bad week for Jacob Rees-Mogg, who narrowly missed out on an Emmy Award for Best Re-Animation. [EDITOR: Would I be right in thinking that you've tried a version of this gag after every Emmy/Bafta/Oscars award show?] [AUTHOR: I don't have to listen to such outrageous, slanderous accusations from a mere figment of my imagination.]

3. It's been a good week for a man in Suffolk who discovered 99 perfectly preserved Anglo-Saxon coins buried in a field. But it's also been a bad week for the man as he failed to discover the perfectly preserved Anglo-Saxon ice cream van buried alongside. [EDITOR: This makes no goddamn sense whatsoever. You're implying that not only was there ice cream and ice cream vans in Anglo-Saxon times, they charged 99 whatever... groats?... for an ice cream (which, incidentally, is no longer the price of a 99 Flake anyway) and some bloke paid for one of them with 99 individual coins. Piss poor effort.] [AUTHOR: Yeah, well... I'll admit that it's not strong, but it made me chuckle.] [EDITOR: Lose the 'made me chuckle' attitude, mate, and you might just get something on the programme.] [AUTHOR: Oooh! Miaow. Having a pop at the show now, eh? That's normally my schtick.] [EDITOR: Give it a rest, okay? I'm not in the mood. I think Claire is going to leave me.]

GWBWs my favourite. I agree with both author and editor comments on 99 one. Your voices are hilarious.

Quote: Kenny Bania @ 10th October 2019, 9:02 PM

The latest bad batch.

A man has been jailed in the USA after he overslept and missed jury duty. He apologised and said he was up late the previous night watching 12 Angry Men

The possessions of the late musician Keith Flint will come up for auction in November. His toys will be sold separately in a special 'child Prodigy' auction

Japan airlines are to allow passengers who book seats online to see the location of children under two years old. The children will be grouped together in a section known as 'someone small's done their business' class

It's been a good week for fans of Tutankhamun as his treasures will soon be on display again. And it's a good week for visitors , as they will get an admission discount if they're accompanied by their mummy

It was a bad week for Margate based musician Pete Doherty, who's been given a six month driving ban, It's going to be a worrying six months for the cyclists of Margate

It was a good week for people lucky enough to get Glastonbury tickets. And a good week for Michael Eavis, as he has now booked his headline act, 70's glam rock band Mud

Your last two my favourite.

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Jee Knee

  • Thursday 10th October 2019, 9:11pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 17 posts

WEEK 4

BREAKING NEWS
1. The Boris Johnson novelty blimp was floated over the Tory Party Conference in Manchester this week. Crude, offensive and best viewed from a long way away, Manchester is a city in the north of England. [AUTHOR: Couldn't decide whether to go with that punchline or something naffer and more obvious like 'distracting, crude and over-inflated, Boris Johnson is the prime minister.'] [EDITOR: As usual, you chose poorly.]

2. A student in Ireland has duped a would-be internet scammer out of 25 pounds. To hear more about this story, please email newsjack.co.uk with your mother's maiden name and sort code. [EDITOR: Sigh.] [AUTHOR: Indeed.]

3. Scientists have discovered a new species of electric eel that creates a charge three times stronger than a domestic plug socket, making it the first animal ever to die from shock after seeing its own electricity bill. [AUTHOR: Yeah, I know. Too convoluted. Blah blah.]

GOOD WEEK / BAD WEEK
1. It's been a good week for Cambridge University library, which had a book returned that was 60 years overdue. It's been a bad week for the borrower, who claimed that they were just getting to the good bit.

2. It's been a good week for Elon Musk, who has unveiled a spaceship that he claims can carry passengers around the solar system. It's been a bad week for the test pilot, who has been sent on an urgent mission to locate his boss's marbles.

3. It's been a good week for a new species of whale which has been discovered off the coast of Japan. It's been a bad week for a now-extinct species of whale after it was discovered off the coast of Japan. [EDITOR: Not bad, but more of a 'hmmm' than a laugh.] [AUTHOR: Also it relies on a particular emphasis within the punchline.] [EDITOR: You don't really need me here. You're pointing out all the flaws yourself.] [AUTHOR: Yeah, I guess--] [EDITOR: AND YET YOU DON'T THINK TO RECTIFY THESE FLAWS BEFORE EMAILING THE F*****G DOCUMENT, DO YOU?] [AUTHOR: (silence)] [EDITOR: You don't, do you?] [AUTHOR: Sorry.] [EDITOR: (muttering)... Yeah. You're sorry... waste of space, you are...] [AUTHOR: Ummm... how's Claire?] [EDITOR: Dunno. I think she's at her parents. Do you know a good imaginary divorce lawyer?] [AUTHOR: I'm an imaginary writer. I know a cheap imaginary divorce lawyer.]

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BTF

  • Thursday 10th October 2019, 9:27pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 519 posts
Quote: Jee Knee @ 10th October 2019, 9:11 PM

WEEK 4

BREAKING NEWS
1. The Boris Johnson novelty blimp was floated over the Tory Party Conference in Manchester this week. Crude, offensive and best viewed from a long way away, Manchester is a city in the north of England. [AUTHOR: Couldn't decide whether to go with that punchline or something naffer and more obvious like 'distracting, crude and over-inflated, Boris Johnson is the prime minister.'] [EDITOR: As usual, you chose poorly.]

2. A student in Ireland has duped a would-be internet scammer out of 25 pounds. To hear more about this story, please email newsjack.co.uk with your mother's maiden name and sort code. [EDITOR: Sigh.] [AUTHOR: Indeed.]

3. Scientists have discovered a new species of electric eel that creates a charge three times stronger than a domestic plug socket, making it the first animal ever to die from shock after seeing its own electricity bill. [AUTHOR: Yeah, I know. Too convoluted. Blah blah.]

GOOD WEEK / BAD WEEK
1. It's been a good week for Cambridge University library, which had a book returned that was 60 years overdue. It's been a bad week for the borrower, who claimed that they were just getting to the good bit.

2. It's been a good week for Elon Musk, who has unveiled a spaceship that he claims can carry passengers around the solar system. It's been a bad week for the test pilot, who has been sent on an urgent mission to locate his boss's marbles.

3. It's been a good week for a new species of whale which has been discovered off the coast of Japan. It's been a bad week for a now-extinct species of whale after it was discovered off the coast of Japan. [EDITOR: Not bad, but more of a 'hmmm' than a laugh.] [AUTHOR: Also it relies on a particular emphasis within the punchline.] [EDITOR: You don't really need me here. You're pointing out all the flaws yourself.] [AUTHOR: Yeah, I guess--] [EDITOR: AND YET YOU DON'T THINK TO RECTIFY THESE FLAWS BEFORE EMAILING THE F*****G DOCUMENT, DO YOU?] [AUTHOR: (silence)] [EDITOR: You don't, do you?] [AUTHOR: Sorry.] [EDITOR: (muttering)... Yeah. You're sorry... waste of space, you are...] [AUTHOR: Ummm... how's Claire?] [EDITOR: Dunno. I think she's at her parents. Do you know a good imaginary divorce lawyer?] [AUTHOR: I'm an imaginary writer. I know a cheap imaginary divorce lawyer.]

They are really funny

Quote: Jee Knee @ 10th October 2019, 9:11 PM

WEEK 4

BREAKING NEWS
1. The Boris Johnson novelty blimp was floated over the Tory Party Conference in Manchester this week. Crude, offensive and best viewed from a long way away, Manchester is a city in the north of England. [AUTHOR: Couldn't decide whether to go with that punchline or something naffer and more obvious like 'distracting, crude and over-inflated, Boris Johnson is the prime minister.'] [EDITOR: As usual, you chose poorly.]

2. A student in Ireland has duped a would-be internet scammer out of 25 pounds. To hear more about this story, please email newsjack.co.uk with your mother's maiden name and sort code. [EDITOR: Sigh.] [AUTHOR: Indeed.]

3. Scientists have discovered a new species of electric eel that creates a charge three times stronger than a domestic plug socket, making it the first animal ever to die from shock after seeing its own electricity bill. [AUTHOR: Yeah, I know. Too convoluted. Blah blah.]

GOOD WEEK / BAD WEEK
1. It's been a good week for Cambridge University library, which had a book returned that was 60 years overdue. It's been a bad week for the borrower, who claimed that they were just getting to the good bit.

2. It's been a good week for Elon Musk, who has unveiled a spaceship that he claims can carry passengers around the solar system. It's been a bad week for the test pilot, who has been sent on an urgent mission to locate his boss's marbles.

3. It's been a good week for a new species of whale which has been discovered off the coast of Japan. It's been a bad week for a now-extinct species of whale after it was discovered off the coast of Japan. [EDITOR: Not bad, but more of a 'hmmm' than a laugh.] [AUTHOR: Also it relies on a particular emphasis within the punchline.] [EDITOR: You don't really need me here. You're pointing out all the flaws yourself.] [AUTHOR: Yeah, I guess--] [EDITOR: AND YET YOU DON'T THINK TO RECTIFY THESE FLAWS BEFORE EMAILING THE F*****G DOCUMENT, DO YOU?] [AUTHOR: (silence)] [EDITOR: You don't, do you?] [AUTHOR: Sorry.] [EDITOR: (muttering)... Yeah. You're sorry... waste of space, you are...] [AUTHOR: Ummm... how's Claire?] [EDITOR: Dunno. I think she's at her parents. Do you know a good imaginary divorce lawyer?] [AUTHOR: I'm an imaginary writer. I know a cheap imaginary divorce lawyer.]

They are really funny

Quote: Jee Knee @ 10th October 2019, 9:11 PM

WEEK 4

BREAKING NEWS
1. The Boris Johnson novelty blimp was floated over the Tory Party Conference in Manchester this week. Crude, offensive and best viewed from a long way away, Manchester is a city in the north of England. [AUTHOR: Couldn't decide whether to go with that punchline or something naffer and more obvious like 'distracting, crude and over-inflated, Boris Johnson is the prime minister.'] [EDITOR: As usual, you chose poorly.]

2. A student in Ireland has duped a would-be internet scammer out of 25 pounds. To hear more about this story, please email newsjack.co.uk with your mother's maiden name and sort code. [EDITOR: Sigh.] [AUTHOR: Indeed.]

3. Scientists have discovered a new species of electric eel that creates a charge three times stronger than a domestic plug socket, making it the first animal ever to die from shock after seeing its own electricity bill. [AUTHOR: Yeah, I know. Too convoluted. Blah blah.]

GOOD WEEK / BAD WEEK
1. It's been a good week for Cambridge University library, which had a book returned that was 60 years overdue. It's been a bad week for the borrower, who claimed that they were just getting to the good bit.

2. It's been a good week for Elon Musk, who has unveiled a spaceship that he claims can carry passengers around the solar system. It's been a bad week for the test pilot, who has been sent on an urgent mission to locate his boss's marbles.

3. It's been a good week for a new species of whale which has been discovered off the coast of Japan. It's been a bad week for a now-extinct species of whale after it was discovered off the coast of Japan. [EDITOR: Not bad, but more of a 'hmmm' than a laugh.] [AUTHOR: Also it relies on a particular emphasis within the punchline.] [EDITOR: You don't really need me here. You're pointing out all the flaws yourself.] [AUTHOR: Yeah, I guess--] [EDITOR: AND YET YOU DON'T THINK TO RECTIFY THESE FLAWS BEFORE EMAILING THE F*****G DOCUMENT, DO YOU?] [AUTHOR: (silence)] [EDITOR: You don't, do you?] [AUTHOR: Sorry.] [EDITOR: (muttering)... Yeah. You're sorry... waste of space, you are...] [AUTHOR: Ummm... how's Claire?] [EDITOR: Dunno. I think she's at her parents. Do you know a good imaginary divorce lawyer?] [AUTHOR: I'm an imaginary writer. I know a cheap imaginary divorce lawyer.]

They are really funny

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Jee Knee

  • Thursday 10th October 2019, 9:40pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 17 posts

WEEK 5

BREAKING NEWS
1. New figures have revealed that one in ten NHS psychiatric jobs are currently vacant. A spokesman was unable to say how he felt about this.
2. The asteroid SL7, which is twice the size of a double-decker bus, came close to hitting the Earth this week. When asked why they hadn't spotted it sooner, NASA claimed that it had been too far away for them to read the number. [EDITOR: Too convoluted again. You never learn. Never.] [AUTHOR: I maintain that this is a half-decent joke.] [EDITOR: Ah, the old Captain of the Titanic routine. Give my regards to the sea floor.]
3. Plaid Cymru has promised an independence referendum for Wales before 2030, which is just as well because the rugby starts at nine. [EDITOR: Huh?] [AUTHOR: Never mind.]

GOOD WEEK / BAD WEEK

1. It's been a bad week for Manchester United, which was described as a 'quagmire of mediocrity' by one of its own staff. It's been a good week for the Manchester United club shop, which has seen a 500% increase in dictionary sales.

2. It's been a good week for Amazon, which has launched a new kindle aimed at children. It's been a bad week for the children who didn't duck in time. [AUTHOR: Don't look at me like that. These are desperate times.] [EDITOR: Yeah, I know, but I mean... Jeeee-sus. If you're that hard up, I know a guy.] [AUTHOR: No, I'm alright. I'm okay--] [EDITOR: Just take this card. Ring the number. Look, I'm not saying it's glamorous or anything like that, but... well, a job's a job. It's good money. Don't ask any questions.]

3. It's been a bad week for Taiwan after it accused China of altering the country's Wikipedia page. It's been a good week for Piers Morgan, who is officially Britain's Greatest Man according to... oh, right. Never mind. [EDITOR: That's a bit naff. Why drag Piers Morgan into this?] [AUTHOR: Oh, well I thought--actually, speaking of dragged, are you alright, mate? You were wearing that shirt last week.] [EDITOR: What? Oh! Oh yeah. She's kicked me out. Claire kicked me out. I've been living in the office since Tuesday.]

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BTF

  • Thursday 10th October 2019, 10:07pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 519 posts
Quote: Jee Knee @ 10th October 2019, 9:40 PM

WEEK 5

BREAKING NEWS
1. New figures have revealed that one in ten NHS psychiatric jobs are currently vacant. A spokesman was unable to say how he felt about this.
2. The asteroid SL7, which is twice the size of a double-decker bus, came close to hitting the Earth this week. When asked why they hadn't spotted it sooner, NASA claimed that it had been too far away for them to read the number. [EDITOR: Too convoluted again. You never learn. Never.] [AUTHOR: I maintain that this is a half-decent joke.] [EDITOR: Ah, the old Captain of the Titanic routine. Give my regards to the sea floor.]
3. Plaid Cymru has promised an independence referendum for Wales before 2030, which is just as well because the rugby starts at nine. [EDITOR: Huh?] [AUTHOR: Never mind.]

GOOD WEEK / BAD WEEK

1. It's been a bad week for Manchester United, which was described as a 'quagmire of mediocrity' by one of its own staff. It's been a good week for the Manchester United club shop, which has seen a 500% increase in dictionary sales.

2. It's been a good week for Amazon, which has launched a new kindle aimed at children. It's been a bad week for the children who didn't duck in time. [AUTHOR: Don't look at me like that. These are desperate times.] [EDITOR: Yeah, I know, but I mean... Jeeee-sus. If you're that hard up, I know a guy.] [AUTHOR: No, I'm alright. I'm okay--] [EDITOR: Just take this card. Ring the number. Look, I'm not saying it's glamorous or anything like that, but... well, a job's a job. It's good money. Don't ask any questions.]

3. It's been a bad week for Taiwan after it accused China of altering the country's Wikipedia page. It's been a good week for Piers Morgan, who is officially Britain's Greatest Man according to... oh, right. Never mind. [EDITOR: That's a bit naff. Why drag Piers Morgan into this?] [AUTHOR: Oh, well I thought--actually, speaking of dragged, are you alright, mate? You were wearing that shirt last week.] [EDITOR: What? Oh! Oh yeah. She's kicked me out. Claire kicked me out. I've been living in the office since Tuesday.]

Funny jokes. You mean..you were wearing that shirt last night and the night before.