British Comedy Guide

Newsjack Series 21 rejects Page 14

Newsjack. Copyright: BBC.

Newsjack

Topical satirical sketch show on Radio 4 Extra. The programme has an 'open door' policy allowing anyone to submit material

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BTF

  • Friday 11th October 2019, 1:12pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 558 posts
Quote: Wishus @ 11th October 2019, 10:19 AM

Tish and nonsense, Thosisd. I liked every single blighter of these. What are they doing?

Two lips - ooh it's a bit saucy! I went a bit saucy too. They just don't do elbows on the table level of rude, do they?

I like your first BN, but again, probably a bit saucy for them.
BN 2 - i think if you'd finished with "what a career dive", that would have been joke enough for them.
GWBW 1 is fab.

Alas, they had Calzone Express a lot.

I liked BN1.

Giving the show a listen right now.

Here are my rejects:
BREAKING NEWS:
1. DEFRA has unveiled complicated guidelines for UK travellers wishing to bring their pets into Ireland after we leave the EU, including the need to arrive by sea at designated points of entry. However, rumours that cats must also bring honey, plenty of money wrapped up in a five-pound note and an owl to row them ashore have been dismissed as nonsense.
2. Pizza Express have hired financial advisers to investigate its £1.1bn debt. Advisers, what have you concluded? "They've been a bit sloppy, Giuseppe."
3. The NHS is opening the first clinic to help young people addicted to video games. Treatments will include taking Call of Duty liver oil capsules.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a good week for Extinction Rebellion who have encouraged thousands to attend climate emergency protests, causing Boris Johnson to label them "Uncooperative crusties". It's been a bad week for Boris Johnson who found the true meaning of "uncooperative crusties" when he tried to wear the same shorts for a second day of jogging.
2. It's been a good week for a police officer who won a tribunal against the force who fired him for not shaving his beard. It's been a bad week for the police force, whose decision to fire the officer was described as bit of a chin-scratcher.
3. It's been a good week for Allyson Felix, who has beaten Usain Bolt's gold medal record in Doha, only 10 months after giving birth. It's been a bad week for Usain Bolt, who also probably treats parenthood as a race according to his catchphrase "I always come first".

Thanks for feedback. I think first GWBW is kind of thing they like for the show. Maybe first BN could be honed down slightly.

Quote: skram @ 11th October 2019, 12:36 PM

Lots of good one-liners here this week, these are my faves:

My rejects this week:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Following further protests in Hong Kong police have announced a ban on face masks, although protesters are still allowed to put little slices of cucumber on their eyes.

2. A shortage of accommodation at Bristol University has led to students having to live in Wales, setting a new record for the longest pub crawl home.

3. Amazon has announced that an ambulance was called once every 2 days for staff who had an accident at their warehouse, although it came daily for those who have Prime.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a good week for children in Scotland as a new law will stop them getting smacked; it's been a bad week for sports teams in Scotland as the ban won't stop them getting spanked on a regular basis.

2. It's been a bad week for Apple after a man sued them for turning him gay after he received "GayCoin" cryptocurrency from an app; it's been a good week for lawyers who are launching a class action on behalf of 10 million women who play Angry Birds.

3. It's been a good week for historians after scientists used light ten billion times brighter than the Sun to finally decode ancient scrolls from Pompeii; it's been a bad week for Jeremy Corbyn as new attempts to understand his position on Brexit mean he'll have to buy stronger sunglasses.

All funny

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Exe Chris

  • Friday 11th October 2019, 2:10pm
  • Exeter, England
  • 91 posts

I went really low-brow this week but still, as the Americans would say, I'm 0 from 5 for this series:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. All 135,000 tickets for Glastonbury sold out in 34 minutes this weekend. Ironically that's the average queuing time for the toilet at the festival.
2. Archaeologists working at a site in Exeter have found the remains of a Roman Fort. They also found coins and pottery, but everyone knows it the fort that counts.
3. Saturn has overtaken Jupiter as the planet with the most moons as 20 new ones are discovered. To most people though, when you say moon they still automatically think of Uranus.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for Pizza Express as it has announced debts of over £1 billion.
It's been a good week for headline writers across the country as they make creative use of the word 'dough'.
2. It's been a good week for Scottish children as a law is passed to ban smacking.
It's been a bad week for The Krankies as they are going to have to totally rework their act.

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Kenny Bania

  • Friday 11th October 2019, 2:28pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 263 posts
Quote: Exe Chris @ 11th October 2019, 2:10 PM

I went really low-brow this week but still, as the Americans would say, I'm 0 from 5 for this series:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. All 135,000 tickets for Glastonbury sold out in 34 minutes this weekend. Ironically that's the average queuing time for the toilet at the festival.
2. Archaeologists working at a site in Exeter have found the remains of a Roman Fort. They also found coins and pottery, but everyone knows it the fort that counts.
3. Saturn has overtaken Jupiter as the planet with the most moons as 20 new ones are discovered. To most people though, when you say moon they still automatically think of Uranus.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for Pizza Express as it has announced debts of over £1 billion.
It's been a good week for headline writers across the country as they make creative use of the word 'dough'.
2. It's been a good week for Scottish children as a law is passed to ban smacking.
It's been a bad week for The Krankies as they are going to have to totally rework their act.

How were they able to resist 'it's the fort the counts ' ?

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skram

  • Friday 11th October 2019, 2:47pm
  • Dartmoor, England
  • 96 posts
Quote: Kenny Bania @ 11th October 2019, 1:07 PM

Have you had much on over the 21 series ?

Literally the first line I scribbled down for episode 1 ("After 32,000 litres of gin was spilt on the M6...") got on and nothing since :S

No luck with sketches still... I will post mine up later, not sure they like anything taking the mickey out of Corbyn or Sturgeon or Swinson or even the EU... think you have to go for the lefty anti-Boris/Trump card ;)

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Rood Eye

  • Friday 11th October 2019, 3:11pm [Edited]
  • England
  • 4,103 posts
Quote: Kenny Bania @ 11th October 2019, 2:28 PM

How were they able to resist 'it's the fort the counts ' ?

It's actually a very good joke (when you get it!) but I have to confess I didn't get it when I read it on the page.

I didn't get it the first time I read it and I didn't get it after several subsequent reads.

Having now got it - I like it a lot!

Perhaps my comedic faculties are failing?

That's a possibility but, in any event, it's also possible that whoever read it at NewsJack didn't get it immediately either and was too busy to give it much "fort".

Seriously though folks - it's a joke worthy of any top comedian on any comedy news programme.

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BTF

  • Friday 11th October 2019, 5:05pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 558 posts
Quote: Exe Chris @ 11th October 2019, 2:10 PM

I went really low-brow this week but still, as the Americans would say, I'm 0 from 5 for this series:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. All 135,000 tickets for Glastonbury sold out in 34 minutes this weekend. Ironically that's the average queuing time for the toilet at the festival.
2. Archaeologists working at a site in Exeter have found the remains of a Roman Fort. They also found coins and pottery, but everyone knows it the fort that counts.
3. Saturn has overtaken Jupiter as the planet with the most moons as 20 new ones are discovered. To most people though, when you say moon they still automatically think of Uranus.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for Pizza Express as it has announced debts of over £1 billion.
It's been a good week for headline writers across the country as they make creative use of the word 'dough'.
2. It's been a good week for Scottish children as a law is passed to ban smacking.
It's been a bad week for The Krankies as they are going to have to totally rework their act.

Like all these.

Quote: Rood Eye @ 11th October 2019, 3:11 PM

It's actually a very good joke (when you get it!) but I have to confess I didn't get it when I read it on the page.

I didn't get it the first time I read it and I didn't get it after several subsequent reads.

Having now got it - I like it a lot!

Perhaps my comedic faculties are failing?

That's a possibility but, in any event, it's also possible that whoever read it at NewsJack didn't get it immediately either and was too busy to give it much "fort".

Seriously though folks - it's a joke worthy of any top comedian on any comedy news programme.

Strangely (Ioften lag behind when getting jokes) but I got this right away.

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Joe Oakes

  • Saturday 12th October 2019, 12:34am
  • United Kingdom
  • 28 posts

I just realised that I've only been selfishly focusing on ranting about the injustice of Newsjack without reviewing other people's jokes. OK, full disclosure, this is just another means of criticising their careless curation.

I reckon we could collate a funnier show from less than a dozen contributors on this thread than Newsjack can from thousands. It's the biggest BBC scandal since they gave tax payers money to Tim Westwood. Yeah, no bigger BBC scandal immediately springs to mind.

Just from glancing over the the last few pages, I thought all of these were either funny or clever, and for the most part perfectly tone appropriate for the show. And they somehow missed them all in favour of weak puns and virtue signalling about obvious designated targets.

Quote: Wishus @ 7th October 2019, 12:34 PM

The Canal and River Trust has been criticised for heavily censoring a report into the collapse of the Whaley Bridge dam, as 'dam' isn't really a proper swear these days.

Quote: MrLiamArnold @ 10th October 2019, 6:44 PM

Scientists have discovered that women prefer men who binge drink as it shows a sign of strength. And for anyone doubting the research, those scientists will see you outside.

Quote: Thosisd @ 10th October 2019, 10:52 PM

School children in the U.K. will receive compulsory lessons on social media, whether they like it or not.

Also...

It's been a good week for frozen treats after Guinea Pig flavoured ice cream went on sale in Ecuador.

It's been a bad week for the guinea pig who had to test the product.

Quote: Steev @ 11th October 2019, 9:28 AM

More women are sharing their menstrual stories online than ever before. Presumably, because everyone loves a good period drama.

Quote: skram @ 11th October 2019, 12:36 PM

Following further protests in Hong Kong police have announced a ban on face masks, although protesters are still allowed to put little slices of cucumber on their eyes.

Quote: Exe Chris @ 11th October 2019, 2:10 PM

Archaeologists working at a site in Exeter have found the remains of a Roman Fort. They also found coins and pottery, but everyone knows it the fort that counts.

Honest question, can anyone remember a stronger joke from the show? They are all infinitely better than the shitty joke of mine they used, the worst I've submitted in 5 weeks.

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Rood Eye

  • Saturday 12th October 2019, 1:03am [Edited]
  • England
  • 4,103 posts

Joe makes a fair point.

I'd love to rewrite a couple of the jokes he quotes but, essentially, they're good jokes and far superior to some of the material actually broadcast.

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Joe Oakes

  • Saturday 12th October 2019, 1:46am
  • United Kingdom
  • 28 posts
Quote: Rood Eye @ 12th October 2019, 1:03 AM

Clearly, if you've got talent, that's a bonus but if you're a white male with a political stance anywhere to the right of Karl Marx and you think God might not be gender-fluid, you're wasting your time trying to get on the BBC. Laughing out loud

Agreed in so much that it can be harder for a white male comedy writer to get work, but it's also easier to get a taxi, it's all swings and roundabouts. Well, less roundabouts if you're black.

I'm as liberal as the typical British comedy writer; Thatcher bad, bigotry boo, yay abortion etc. But I detest the way Newsjack tries to pander to my opinions at the expense of humour.

For example most of the episode 2 monologue was just plain gushing over Jo Swinson, the closest thing to a joke was something like 'she differentiated herself from the other leaders by being electable'. It got cheers and applause, so who needs laughs when you have can elicit enough noise to mask the lack of?

Listen, of all the leaders, Jo Swindon represents my views the closest. I'd like for Jo Swanson to be PM. I cannot recall a better leader in history, except The Rza of the Wu-Tang Clan, but who knows, maybe under a Jo Samsung leadership, Ol' Dirty Bastard would still be alive today. What can I say, I just f**king love OJ Sampson. But please don't talk about her in your monologue if you can't think of anything funny to say about her.

Thankfully, just as I was about to write-off the entire monologue as a pandering embarrassment to comedy, she pulled it out the bag with a scathing put-down of well-respected political provocateur, Steve Brookstein - "I bet he's a laugh at parties". Brutal, brutal stuff. But it was about time Brookstein was knocked off his pedestal.

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Danno

  • Saturday 12th October 2019, 9:02am
  • Azerbaijan
  • 307 posts

actually thought the oneliners were markedly improved this week, but maybe I'd just woken up on the right side of the bed. can't really comment on the show as i don't listen to its entirety. thought it was time to stop tuning in when the goofy guitar intro started to remind me too much of tepid boiled cabbage.

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Auditchris

  • Saturday 12th October 2019, 10:53am
  • Tunbridge Wells, United Kingdom
  • 135 posts

I attended the recording this week - a few observations:

The audience is mixed but skewed far older than I expected. Seemed like between a third and a half were over 60 (apparently this is quite common for Radio Theatre recordings).

Somewhat contrary to that first point, the show was far filthier than the broadcast version. Lots of things from Kiri were cut (one of the monologue bleeps was a c-bomb). But it made for a more comedy club style atmosphere.

As part of the warm up Kiri actually said that the show would contain oneliners which by their nature could be a bit groan-worthy. She then instructed us/demonstrated how to turn a groan into a laugh!

Don't know if any of that is helpful - interpret it as you will!

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skram

  • Saturday 12th October 2019, 12:20pm
  • Dartmoor, England
  • 96 posts

Rejected sketch #1:

Who Wants To Be An EU Saviour?

INTRO: As we approach Brexit Deadline Day - or as Channel 4 call it, The Great British Break Off - Jeremy Corbyn, the Paul Hollywood of Brexit (or is he more like Pru?), is presenting Labour as the party that could solve the EU Brexit Crisis... except there's just one question still left for him to answer....

FX - WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE INTRO 'JINGLE'

JEREMY CLARKSON: Welcome back to Who Wants To Be An EU Saviour. In the hot seat still, looking a bit uncomfortable in the spotlight, is Jeremy.

JEREMY CORBYN: Right on, comrade.

JEREMY CLARKSON: Very 70's. Well, it says here you're a bit of a contrarian, is that right?

JEREMY CORBYN: No, not at all, I can't agree with that.

JEREMY CLARKSON: Yeah I thought as much. In the audience tonight is your other half - give us a wave, Nicola Sturgeon.

NICOLA STURGEON: Can I just start by saying...

JEREMY CORBYN: No, you can't, if we wanted to hear from the leader of some tin pot little country from the back end of nowhere we'd have that bloke from Luxembourg back.

JEREMY CORBYN: That's my wife actually...

JEREMY CLARKSON: Guess that was a marriage of convenience, probably just wants you for the residency permit.

JEREMY CORBYN: Errr...

JEREMY CLARKSON: So, Jezza, what would you do if you won?

JEREMY CORBYN: Well I'd like to move to a 4-day week...

JEREMY CLARKSON: Right...

JEREMY CORBYN: ...and I'd like to give some money to my friends.

JEREMY CLARKSON: How much?

JEREMY CORBYN: About 10 billion pounds.

JEREMY CLARKSON: Bloody hell, that's half my salary, outrageous. Here comes your last question then - let's play, Who Wants To Be An EU Saviour?

FX - WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE - SHORT 'JINGLE'

JEREMY CLARKSON: "What should the UK do on the 31st October - A, Leave with no deal; B, Leave with a deal; C, Remain; or D, have another bloody referendum."

JEREMY CORBYN: Well I was pretty sure it was A. But now I can't decide about B and C. And D's tempting too. It's definitely one of those four.

JEREMY CLARKSON: (SIGH) Are you always this indecisive?

JEREMY CORBYN: I'm not sure.

JEREMY CLARKSON: You've got all your lifelines left - apart from "Phone A Friend" of course, no point trying to use that.

JEREMY CORBYN: I'd like to ask the audience please.

JEREMY CLARKSON: OK audience, see if you can put Jeremy, and us, out of this eternal misery - vote now!

FX - WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE - AUDIENCE VOTE 'JINGLE'

JEREMY CLARKSON: Right, well, 52% have voted for Leave...

JEREMY CORBYN: I'm not going to accept that...

JEREMY CLARKSON: No, your wife would kill you...

NICOLA STURGEON: Can I just start by saying...

JEREMY CLARKSON: Shut up, Nicola.

JEREMY CORBYN: I'd like to ask you, Jeremy.

JEREMY CLARKSON: OK, well here's what I think. (PAUSE) I think you should just answer the bloody question yourself, it's not difficult.

JEREMY CORBYN: Right! Yes, OK... I've decided then, I'm going to say, final answer....

FX - END OF DREAM SEQUENCE....

JEREMY CORBYN: (MUMBLES, HALF ASLEEP) Final answer... final answer... (WAKES UP) Argh, oh thank God, it was all just a bad dream... I didn't have to answer that question, and I'm still here with my wonderful wife...

NICOLA STURGEON: Morning, Jeremy darling. Can I just start by saying...

JEREMY CORBYN: Argh!

END

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Rood Eye

  • Saturday 12th October 2019, 12:29pm
  • England
  • 4,103 posts

That's a very decent sketch, Skram.

The fact that it wasn't accepted says far more about NewsJack's selection procedures than it does about your writing.

To borrow a phrase from Mr Clarkson, here's what I think: I think there are a few people on BCG who know a lot more about comedy than the people on NewsJack do.

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Danno

  • Saturday 12th October 2019, 1:34pm
  • Azerbaijan
  • 307 posts

cheers for the insight @AuditChris. Although, just to reiterate, i am really cool these days and don't really care ;)

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skram

  • Saturday 12th October 2019, 3:22pm
  • Dartmoor, England
  • 96 posts

Rejected sketch #2:

Procrastinators Anonymous

INTRO: They say indecision can turn you into a zombie - well, as we approach Halloween, or Brexit Day to use its new X-rated name, the one thing political leaders can't be is indecisive...

FX - DOOR CLOSING IN A VILLAGE HALL, CHAIRS SCRAPING, ETC

GROUP LEADER: Hello everyone, welcome to Procrastinators Anonymous. I'm pleased to say we have a new friend joining us this week.

JEREMY CORBYN: Hi, I'm Jeremy, and I'm a procrastinator.

EVERYONE: Hi Jeremy.

GROUP LEADER: Welcome Jeremy. We're all friends here, nobody will judge you... we're all too indecisive to do that, we'd be here all day. What's your story?

JEREMY CORBYN: It's been 642 days since my last decisive moment. I think.

FX - POLITE APPLAUSE AND MURMERINGS OF WELCOME

GROUP LEADER: How does that make you feel?

JEREMY CORBYN: I'm not sure.

GROUP LEADER: No, of course not. And is this affecting your everyday life, Jeremy?

JEREMY CORBYN: It's terrible... do I fold the toilet paper or scrunch? Use a normal toothbrush or the one with the round head? Oh God, it's just so confusing, I never used to be like this!

GROUP LEADER: Don't worry, Jeremy, you're with friends here, we'll help you through this highly embarrassing personal situation. Can I ask what you do for a living?

JEREMY CORBYN: I'm the leader of the opposition, so it's my job to just blindly say the exact opposite of what the government says. It's easy.

GROUP LEADER: When did it all start to go so horribly wrong for you Jeremy?

JEREMY CORBYN: Brexit, it was Brexit. Suddenly, there was more than one option. It's ridiculous, how could there be more than one option?! Suddenly I couldn't just say the opposite, I had to think, I had to have...

GROUP LEADER: Go on, Jeremy, you can say it...

JEREMY CORBYN: I had to have...

GROUP LEADER: Go on...

JEREMY CORBYN: I had to have... an opinion!

FX - GASPS OF SHOCK

GROUP LEADER: Oh you poor thing, how terrible..

JEREMY CORBYN: Well I couldn't do it, and that Boris bloke called me a rotten egg, then everyone started calling me chicken...

GROUP LEADER: Oooh which came first, the chicken or the egg?

JEREMY CORBYN: (WAILS) I don't know!?!

GROUP LEADER: Sorry Jeremy, just my little joke there. Now then, who can offer some words of encouragement? Theresa? Anything you'd like to say?

THERESA MAY: (MUMBLING) Sorry, no, I don't...

GROUP LEADER: No, you're not sure? OK, how about you Donald?

DONALD TRUMP: OK, well, here's the thing... I use distraction techniques... I always stand directly underneath a helicopter when I give an opinion. People are so busy hoping my head will hit the blades that they don't even notice what I'm saying.

GROUP LEADER: Thank you, Donald, wise words indeed.

DONALD TRUMP: Build a wall, Jeremy!

GROUP LEADER: Yes well I think Jeremy is happier sitting on the fence for now, thank you Donald. Anyone else? No? OK, let's take a quick break for a nice cup of tea - Jeremy, one lump or two?

JEREMY CORBYN: (SOBBING) Arghhh!

END