British Comedy Guide

Newsjack Series 21 rejects Page 16

Newsjack. Copyright: BBC.

Newsjack

Topical satirical sketch show on Radio 4 Extra. The programme has an 'open door' policy allowing anyone to submit material

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TheTrashBat

  • Friday 18th October 2019, 10:32am
  • Dorset, United Kingdom
  • 76 posts
Quote: BTF @ 18th October 2019, 10:10 AM

Yes great feedback Rood. Sorry my feedback poor. Stuck for time.

In other news TrashBat is running a course on how to 'adapt' jokes for Newsjack. Laughing out loud

Bad news is..... fully booked already.

:O

What's all this now?!

I've been super busy/stressy with other things the past couple of weeks. Apologies for my absence!
This week eased up and writing NJ jokes was actually fun.
Weeks 4 and 5 I was trying to hard to play the NJ game and got nothing in, so I'm not sure my theories hold up.
This week, with a clear head, the jokes just arrived in my brain with very little effort from me. So I think the key maybe to have faith in the first ideas that spring to mind.
Every time I've got on they've used the 1st joke on my list. Which is always the first bit of nonsense that I think of. There's a thought, maybe just sending one a week is the way to go. Save some time.

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Steev

  • Friday 18th October 2019, 11:24am
  • England
  • 48 posts

1. A leader of Extinction Rebellion has been arrested at his Trafalgar Square
camp. A policeman said [Kenneth Williams voice] Oh, do behave!

2. The high court is in session to stop protests demanding that LGBT not be
taught in school. After confusing the discipline of reading, writing, and
arithmetic as the three R's, most dyslexics are surprised people also want
to boycott Britain's Got Talent.

3. As the UK plans to require photo ID in order to vote, Boris Johnson is
trying desperately to find his Happy Family's card of Mr Bun the Baker.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a good week for Brexiteers as a deal is "still possible, but more difficult"
It's been a bad week for editors of the OED, who are now confused as to
meaning of the word "possible"

2. It's been a bad week for the NHS, and half of A&Es are not good enough
It's been a good week for The Shamen, who continue to claim that E's are
good. E's are good. A&E's are good.

3. It's been a good week for Margaret Atwood, who jointly won the Booker Prize.
It's been a bad week for Bernadine Evaristo, who also jointly won the Booker Prize, as she'll now only be known as OfAtwood.

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Jee Knee

  • Friday 18th October 2019, 11:27am
  • United Kingdom
  • 17 posts

As usual, plenty of cracking gags on here, and as usual, plenty that definitely deserved some airtime. I basically agree with Joe Oakes's posts about the show itself (so read his - they're better than this!), but just to supplement that, I listened to this week's show (I knew we were in trouble when it started with a 'gymnastics - stretch' gag. Do you get it? It's because they... they STRETCH! When they do gymnastics, they stretch. It's a pun. And kind of a s*** one. God, I need a drink... Look, it's not a slight on whoever wrote it, it's just not for me.) and have done some unofficial maths. Bear with me:

From the very opening to the end of the credits is 28 minutes total.
After the monologue the first 'breaking news' started at 6:50, so as a ballpark figure let's knock off 6 and a half minutes of potential air-time for open submissions. Down to 21 and a half minutes total.
The credits were almost exactly a minute, so down to 20 and a half minutes.
The first sketch this week was written by a commissioned writer and that was two and a half minutes, so we're now down to 18 minutes.
I am 90% sure that one of the other sketches was by the same commissioned writer (usually I have absolutely no idea who has written what, but on this particular occasion I do). This was well over two and a half minutes, so let's say three minutes total for that plus the various extra 'and now it's time for breaking news', jingles etc. And you're down to more-or-less 15 minutes.

That's just 15 minutes (or 17 and a half if my hunch about one of the sketches is wrong) for all the 'open submission' sketches (which are usually a couple of minutes each) and one-liners. Obviously the figures vary slightly from show to show (although not by much), but it really ain't much airtime, now, is it?

Happy holidays :)

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TheTrashBat

  • Friday 18th October 2019, 11:32am
  • Dorset, United Kingdom
  • 76 posts
Quote: Jee Knee @ 18th October 2019, 11:27 AM

As usual, plenty of cracking gags on here, and as usual, plenty that definitely deserved some airtime. I basically agree with Joe Oakes's posts about the show itself (so read his - they're better than this!), but just to supplement that, I listened to this week's show (I knew we were in trouble when it started with a 'gymnastics - stretch' gag. Do you get it? It's because they... they STRETCH! When they do gymnastics, they stretch. It's a pun. And kind of a s*** one. God, I need a drink... Look, it's not a slight on whoever wrote it, it's just not for me.) and have done some unofficial maths. Bear with me:

From the very opening to the end of the credits is 28 minutes total.
After the monologue the first 'breaking news' started at 6:50, so as a ballpark figure let's knock off 6 and a half minutes of potential air-time for open submissions. Down to 21 and a half minutes total.
The credits were almost exactly a minute, so down to 20 and a half minutes.
The first sketch this week was written by a commissioned writer and that was two and a half minutes, so we're now down to 18 minutes.
I am 90% sure that one of the other sketches was by the same commissioned writer (usually I have absolutely no idea who has written what, but on this particular occasion I do). This was well over two and a half minutes, so let's say three minutes total for that plus the various extra 'and now it's time for breaking news', jingles etc. And you're down to more-or-less 15 minutes.

That's just 15 minutes (or 17 and a half if my hunch about one of the sketches is wrong) for all the 'open submission' sketches (which are usually a couple of minutes each) and one-liners. Obviously the figures vary slightly from show to show (although not by much), but it really ain't much airtime, now, is it?

Happy holidays :)

Just to add to this, I can tell you that 23 people got the 'good' email. (Ok, it could have been more, I guess, but the one I got was sent to 22 other people too.)

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Jee Knee

  • Friday 18th October 2019, 11:42am [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 17 posts
Quote: TheTrashBat @ 18th October 2019, 11:32 AM

Just to add to this, I can tell you that 23 people got the 'good' email. (Ok, it could have been more, I guess, but the one I got was sent to 22 other people too.)

Interesting. The commissioned writers are on the list of credits, so if you counted up the number of credited writers at the end of the show and the number of one-liners broadcast in the show itself you could work out... [BREAKS DOWN SOBBING] oh, forget it. Life's too short.

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Kenny Bania

  • Friday 18th October 2019, 11:47am
  • United Kingdom
  • 235 posts
Quote: skram @ 18th October 2019, 8:38 AM

Another week, another load of rejects - did I make a mistake trimming out 4 and 5 from my Breaking News shortlist (probably not!)?

BREAKING NEWS:
1. A student who was caught trying to sell cannabis cakes was made to write an essay for his punishment - police refused to name the individual but said he wrote Exceedingly Good Essays.

2. England's Chief Medical Officer has said that snacking should be banned on public transport, with one bus company already stating it will ban chocolate bars on its buses, unless it's a Double Decker.

3. Carlsberg has announced it is developing a paper beer bottle, although it will only be available in A-4 pack.

4. The new £20 note was revealed this week - due to be released into circulation 3 months after Brexit, the note will be worth £10.

5. After finishing a marathon in just under 2 hours, Kenyan Eliud Kipchoge said he would have been even faster if he wasn't allergic to peanuts.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for Facebook who announced it is no longer supporting its crypto currency "Libra"; it's been a good week for the naysayers who had described it as an "astrological" mistake.

2. It's been a bad week for Coleen Rooney and Rebecca Vardy who have continued their unseemly online spat; it's been a good week for TV companies who are going to serialise the argument in a new series called "From WAGS To Witches".

3. It's been a good week for Carlsberg who announced it is developing a paper beer bottle; it's been a bad week for its designers who are still torn between 2 designs.

Think this is a good, strong batch -surprised you didn't even get the near miss email - and on my 'wish I'd thought of that 'test particularly like 1 and 2 of Breaking News ( Though as chocolate bars go, never been a fan of a double decker )

Just about to give the show a listen on iplayer

I'd love to be a fly on the wall in the selection process for the bns and gwbws. Wonder how many get shortlisted initially ,and how many people are involved ? And is it always the same people per show doing the choosing ?

Yours with a dark pick-up* in hand
KB
( * it's a chocolate bar, not some sort of double-entendre )

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Jee Knee

  • Friday 18th October 2019, 11:48am
  • United Kingdom
  • 17 posts

WEEK 6 REJECTS - So tired. So very, very tired.

BREAKING NEWS

1. Donald Trump has renewed his attacks on Joe Biden's son Hunter, proving that the Hunter has indeed become the hunted.

[Doesn't really make sense, but contains a sort-of-a pun, so... on the right track? Maybe?]

2. Tom Kerridge has been criticised for charging £32.50 for fish and chips at his restaurant. In response, the popular TV chef claimed that it was his cod-given right to charge whatever he liked, and that he had haddock up to here with these complaints.

[Doubling down on the s*** puns. May God have mercy on my sole. Ah! NO! Make it stop!]

3. The government's so-called 'behaviour tsar' has announced strict new disciplinary guidelines for secondary schools. According to the tsar, pupils can be given a detention if they talk in class, forget their homework or mastermind a proletarian Bolshevik revolution to overthrow the aristocracy.

GOOD WEEK / BAD WEEK

1. It's been a good week for two bin men in Wales, who recovered a couple's engagement ring that had accidentally been thrown away. It's been a bad week for the couple, who were fined for not sorting it into the proper recycling box.

[Meh.]

2. It's been a good week for disco fans after the release of a Brexit-themed concept album. But it's been a bad week for Nigel Farage, who found that when he moved his feet to that super-funky beat, it just looked like he was goose-stepping.

[I liked this one, so presumably it was dead-on-arrival at Newsjack HQ.]

3. It's been a good week for the South Korean football team, who finally arrived for their match in North Korea after being forced to take a one-thousand mile long diversion to get into the country. It's been a bad week for coach driver, who had to go back for the half-time oranges.

[And we conclude the series with another solid 'meh.']

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BTF

  • Friday 18th October 2019, 12:01pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 519 posts
Quote: TheTrashBat @ 18th October 2019, 10:32 AM :O

What's all this now?!

I've been super busy/stressy with other things the past couple of weeks. Apologies for my absence!
This week eased up and writing NJ jokes was actually fun.
Weeks 4 and 5 I was trying to hard to play the NJ game and got nothing in, so I'm not sure my theories hold up.
This week, with a clear head, the jokes just arrived in my brain with very little effort from me. So I think the key maybe to have faith in the first ideas that spring to mind.
Every time I've got on they've used the 1st joke on my list. Which is always the first bit of nonsense that I think of. There's a thought, maybe just sending one a week is the way to go. Save some time.

Sorry to put you on the spot. Was only joshing. Useful advice though!

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TheTrashBat

  • Friday 18th October 2019, 12:02pm
  • Dorset, United Kingdom
  • 76 posts
Quote: Jee Knee @ 18th October 2019, 11:48 AM

BREAKING NEWS

1. Donald Trump has renewed his attacks on Joe Biden's son Hunter, proving that the Hunter has indeed become the hunted.

[Doesn't really make sense, but contains a sort-of-a pun, so... on the right track? Maybe?]

This is my kind of NJ joke. I always feel like I'm onto something when I start to question whether it makes any sense. Right up their street!

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BTF

  • Friday 18th October 2019, 12:03pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 519 posts
Quote: Jee Knee @ 18th October 2019, 11:42 AM

Interesting. The commissioned writers are on the list of credits, so if you counted up the number of credited writers at the end of the show and the number of one-liners broadcast in the show itself you could work out... [BREAKS DOWN SOBBING] oh, forget it. Life's too short.

I was considering it..

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TheTrashBat

  • Friday 18th October 2019, 12:24pm
  • Dorset, United Kingdom
  • 76 posts

This week's offerings...

BREAKING NEWS:
1. The Canadian Prime Minister had to wear a bulletproof vest after a security threat at a campaign rally. It's hard to believe anyone would want to shoot the PM, it's Trudeau.
[Made the show. I don't mind it too much.]

2. Donald Trump is facing criticism from the Middle East after giving American troops the order to pull out. An order many people wish Trump's Mum had given to his Dad.
[Take an old joke and shoehorn it into something topical.]

3. A British family have been detained in a US jail after illegally crossing the border while holidaying in Canada. American police have assured relatives "They haven't been harmed: they're allwhite."
[I like this one. A pal told me before submitting "the Beeb won't touch that, mate." Maybe, or maybe it's just not very good. Or TOO good. Or something.]

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for Home Bargains customers who've been shocked by a fake Halloween scar which resembles a vagina. It's been a good week for Home Bargains whose tills have never been so busy, with scores of single lads checking out the gash.
[I realised after that this story has actually been knocking around for a while. This is the joke I spent the most time on and I was reasonably happy with it and had high hopes it might make it in.]

2. It's a been a bad week for the tourist who was arrested for wearing a 'piece of string'' bikini to the beach. It's been a worse week for the police who after 24 hours had to let her go, with very little on her.
[Proper shite. Was a placeholder really. But then when it came to swapping it for something 'better' I looked at how crap it is and thought I'd better leave it in, it may be my best bet. It ticks all my boxes: isn't funny, doesn't make sense etc.]

3. It's a bad week for comedy lovers as series 21 of Newsjack draws to a close. It's a good week for the guy who wrote this joke because usually we can't stand the crap he sends us.
[I think I tried something similar to this for the final episode last series. Maybe time to stop now, I don't think they like this vibe.]

Thought about sending this one, but somebody else here pointed out they don't seem to enjoy poo jokes :D "A woman has removed her son from school because she believes he was unnecessarily punished for taking too long to do a poo. Apparently he spent two hours on the naughty stool."
[I genuinely giggled to myself for about an hour at the thought of struggling with a naughty stool. Sad, I know]

Right, what the hell do we do now it's all over?!

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Wishus

  • Friday 18th October 2019, 2:24pm
  • Northampton, England
  • 133 posts
Quote: Joe Oakes @ 17th October 2019, 6:47 PM

BREAKING NEWS:
2. Scientists say that slow walking in your 40s is a sign of faster ageing, and that suddenly stopping on busy pavements to check your phone is a sign of being an inconsiderate idiot.

This one was very Newsjack I thought!

Quote: Kenny Bania @ 17th October 2019, 9:26 PM

A woman from Suffolk has been voted the worlds best porridge maker, despite being accused of oat rigging

It was a good week for a woman who lost her engagement ring, later recovered by two workers sifting through rubbish at the local dump. It was a good week for the workers - they really are diamond geezers

I reckon these stood a good chance!

Quote: KevDP4L @ 17th October 2019, 10:49 PM

Only managed 3 for the final week, but have to admit I'm a wee bit disappointed because I thought I was onto a winner with my first GWBW. Ah well, roll on Series 22!

BREAKING NEWS:
1. The government has announced plans to make people present a photo ID when voting, however the move has been branded "undemocratic" by a number of unidentified sources.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a good week for Wrightbus after the Northern Irish company famous for building the "Boris Bus" was saved from administration.
It's been a bad week for the DUP, as this means the Prime Minister still has plenty of buses to throw them under.

2. It's been a good week for Star Wars fans after the words "Jedi" and "lightsabre" were added to the Oxford English Dictionary.
It's been a bad week for Star Trek fans, as these were not the words they were looking for.

Sterling effort!

Quote: LateDentArthurDent @ 18th October 2019, 12:52 AM

ONELINERS
BREAKING NEWS:
1. Voters may need photo ID to vote in the next election. Ministers claimed this is an improvement on the last election for PM, where voters needed a Conservative membership card.
2. The Government has refused to deny it is planning detention centres in Mid-Wales as part of No Deal preparations. However, they reiterated their commitment to rolling out high-speed rural internment.
3. Scientists have found Londoners consume twenty-three kilos of cocaine a day. Despite causing restlessness, irritability, anxiety and paranoia, millions still live in London. Which I guess explains all the percy they're hogsnogging.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a good week for the kitten rescued from a lake in Montana. It's been a bad week for the angler who found him, who's been outed as a catfisher.
2. It's been a good week for Extinction Rebellion, who've found two thousand people willing to be imprisoned for climate change. It's been a bad week for inmates queuing at the veggie counter in Belmarsh.
3. It's been a good week for Swansea University, with seven Olympians starting on the same course. It's been a bad week for Mighty Zeus, who'll have to pay their tuition fees.

BNs - 1 is excellent, and 3, maybe cut down and the joke is there.
GWBW 1 is brill. 2 and 3 maybe too clever. I liked them.

Quote: skram @ 18th October 2019, 8:38 AM

Another week, another load of rejects - did I make a mistake trimming out 4 and 5 from my Breaking News shortlist (probably not!)?

BREAKING NEWS:
1. A student who was caught trying to sell cannabis cakes was made to write an essay for his punishment - police refused to name the individual but said he wrote Exceedingly Good Essays.

2. England's Chief Medical Officer has said that snacking should be banned on public transport, with one bus company already stating it will ban chocolate bars on its buses, unless it's a Double Decker.

3. Carlsberg has announced it is developing a paper beer bottle, although it will only be available in A-4 pack.

I think these have promise. Maybe rephrasing the end sentence on 1 to make it snappier, but they're very good.

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Kenny Bania

  • Friday 18th October 2019, 2:25pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 235 posts

Cheers Wishus ( In a week when I was trying hard to keep my oneliners brief, they went with a much longer porridge BN )

BTW, how do you select part of someone's rejects, rather than quote the whole spiel ?

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Wishus

  • Friday 18th October 2019, 2:37pm [Edited]
  • Northampton, England
  • 133 posts
Quote: Steev @ 18th October 2019, 11:24 AM

2. The high court is in session to stop protests demanding that LGBT not be
taught in school. After confusing the discipline of reading, writing, and
arithmetic as the three R's, most dyslexics are surprised people also want
to boycott Britain's Got Talent.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:

2. It's been a bad week for the NHS, and half of A&Es are not good enough
It's been a good week for The Shamen, who continue to claim that E's are
good. E's are good. A&E's are good.

I like your 2nd GWBW, pop culture appeals! Definitely something in BGT/LGBT, but maybe rephrase?
Judges in Birmingham are planning to stop protests outside schools, by telling parents LGBT is some kind of talent show.

Quote: Kenny Bania @ 18th October 2019, 2:25 PM

BTW, how do you select part of someone's rejects, rather than quote the whole spiel ?

Just delete the bits you don't want to comment on, remembering to leave the html code intact.

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Wishus

  • Friday 18th October 2019, 2:54pm [Edited]
  • Northampton, England
  • 133 posts
Quote: Jee Knee @ 18th October 2019, 11:42 AM

Interesting. The commissioned writers are on the list of credits, so if you counted up the number of credited writers at the end of the show and the number of one-liners broadcast in the show itself you could work out...

Further insight here: https://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/writersroom/entries/87229b6b-2480-470d-b4d3-cb44769ff61c

And this is from 2012... have a feeling the way the sketches get pieced together might be a bit different now.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/writersroom/entries/2b0fac48-e0ca-3457-a1ca-2f75f02e05d6

Link from there into another article about numbers back in Justin Edward's day.

Big numbers, little chances. That's all you have to remember really, but the great thing about this forum is it seems to have become a little magnet for quality. A lot of hits get generated from here considering the relatively small number of participants, and I think that is down to 1)being aware that your stuff will be read and critiqued 2) not in a horrible way 3) feedback and suggestions on how to improve.
This is stuff that can benefit all sorts of writing.