Quote: Jee Knee @ 18th October 2019, 11:48 AM
3. The government's so-called 'behaviour tsar' has announced strict new disciplinary guidelines for secondary schools. According to the tsar, pupils can be given a detention if they talk in class, forget their homework or mastermind a proletarian Bolshevik revolution to overthrow the aristocracy.
Liked all your BNs but this one is my fave.
Quote: TheTrashBat @ 18th October 2019, 12:24 PM
1. The Canadian Prime Minister had to wear a bulletproof vest after a security threat at a campaign rally. It's hard to believe anyone would want to shoot the PM, it's Trudeau.
Well done, Trashbat. And I like your poo joke!
Okay, here are my rejects. So, since joining in on here, I have had the nearly email twice in 3 sessions. I feel I am poised for actual greatness soon...
Or maybe not.
1. Transport union general secretary Manuel Cortes has said that anything less than re-nationalising our railways is just "tinkering at the edges". This is still not as bad as tinkering while the train is in the station.
2. Jodie Comer has signed up to star in another two seasons of Killing Eve, so expect two other drama series to be gruesomely murdered as the BBC have taken out a contract.
3. Police dogs in Gwent are being given their own collar numbers as a mark of appreciation for their service. Only 20 collar numbers are being issued, but it's not known whether they will roll over.
GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for slow walkers over the age of 45, as scientists have found that the slower you walk the faster you age. It's also been a bad week for fast walkers over the age of 45, because they just really need to pee.
2. It's been a good week for stars of Martin Scorsese's The Irishman, who have been made to look younger using CGI. It's been a bad week for a local mom who can do this for $5, as dermatologists hate her.
3. It's been a bad week for Piers Morgan after an online petition was launched trying to get him sacked from Good Morning Britain. It's been a good week for Piers Morgan as this apparently makes him the news.
(I thought this one was lame, but their sort of lame)
And one sketch:
DR SCARY'S FRIGHT NIGHT EXTRAVAGANZA
KIRI: It's that time of year when you go into the high street of your town, and see all the shop windows full of cobwebs, and signs saying RIP. No, it's not Halloween, the high street is just dead. Only kidding, it is nearly Halloween! Or, as the goths call it, Goth Christmas. People say that it's getting too Americanized and commercial, but I love the celebration of all things spooky. Anyway us Brits are made of stronger stuff. I don't think Halloween-themed things can really scare us, can they?
COLLEAGUE: Kiri, here's your coffee. I'm really sorry, they wouldn't give me ordinary flat white.
KIRI: You mean it's...?
KIRI: Aaaagh! The horror, the horror! On with the sketch!
FX: THUNDER AND LIGHTNING, MANIACAL LAUGHTER
DR SCARY: I'm Dr Scary, and now, coming to a field outside Northampton, home of all things goth, and Alan Carr, it's Dr. Scary's Fright Night Halloween Extravaganza!
FX: THUNDER AND LIGHTNING, CREEPY ORGAN MUSIC
DR SCARY: We have four incredibly scary mazes, designed to send chills down the steeliest of British spines.
Maze one! Take a harrowing journey down this terrifying maze, full of grotesque horror characters....
PUNTER: Agh, it's Nigel Farage!
DR SCARY: ... and with more and more awful things appearing at every twist and turn, a maze that seems to go on forever. Yes, it's the No Deal Brexit maze.
PUNTER: Agh! Medicine shortages! Job losses! The pound fell so fast it nearly landed on my head! Now I see a sign saying, "there will be adequate food". What does it mean?
FX: CHAINSAW NOISES AND MANIACAL LAUGHTER
REDNECK: Here piggy piggy!
GRAMS: CREEPY CIRCUS MUSIC
DR SCARY: And if that's not creepy enough for you, how about maze two, Killer Clowns? Where your worst nightmares really have come true!
DONALD TRUMP: I'm the President of the United States.
BORIS JOHNSON: And I'm the President of the United Kingdom. Not President what is it...? King. King Boris, that's it.
FX: MANIACAL LAUGHTER
BORIS: It's really dark in here isn't it? Is that your leg or mine?
FX: CAT SCREECHING
TRUMP: I think that was me.
DR SCARY: And if you thought that was shocking, our third maze is a creepy Victorian nursery called "Nanny Knows Best".
FX: WITCHY CACKLE
OLD LADY: I do know best. I'm the Chief Medical Officer for Public Health England, and I want to ban everything you like. Just call me Scary Poppins. Just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down? No it doesn't. I'm adding a sugar tax. Feed the birds? Not on public transport, sonny. They'll all get fat, fat, fat, fat! Tee hee hee. Now what's that drink you've got in your hand, better not be one of those freakshakes!
PUNTER: It's a latte. No, a skinny latte!
FX: THUNDER AND LIGHTNING
DR SCARY: Walk if you still can, otherwise run for your life through our final maze!
GRAMS: ADDAMS FAMILY THEME
PUNTER: That little girl with pigtails looks incredibly cross.
DR SCARY: You better believe it! That's Greta Thunberg and this maze is called "Our Planet is Literally on Fire".
GRETA: HOW DARE YOU.
PUNTER: Aaagh! And she knows it's my fault because I'm holding onto a disposable cup!
BORIS: Quick, if I were you, I'd pass it to one of my aids.
FX: CRAZY CHUCKLE
PUNTER: No, not Boris again! Aaagh!