British Comedy Guide

Newsjack Series 21 rejects Page 15

Newsjack. Copyright: BBC.

Newsjack

Topical satirical sketch show on Radio 4 Extra. The programme has an 'open door' policy allowing anyone to submit material

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KevDP4L

  • Tuesday 15th October 2019, 12:38pm
  • Belfast, Northern Ireland
  • 71 posts

Bit late to the party, but here are my rejects from last week.

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Lovehoney have released a sex toy advent calendar, the perfect gift to tell your loved ones to go f**k themselves.
2. Protesters in Hong Kong have criticised authorities for acting too aggressively, however Chinese officials have dismissed these claims as a bunch of Hong Kong Phooey.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a good week for Pantomime lovers after the Royal Mint released a new collection of 50p coins dedicated to different Panto shows.
It's been a bad week for a man addicted to collecting coins, who thought his addition was behind him.
2. It's been a bad week for protesters in Hong Kong after a law was passed making it illegal to wear face masks.
It's also been a bad week for Hong Kong theatre-goers, after arrests interrupted a performance of Phantom of the Opera.
3. It's been a bad week for Chinese South Park fans after their government banned the show for comparing their president's appearance to Winnie the Pooh.
It's been a good week for Kellogg's after Boris Johnson's attempts to ban Sugar Puffs were vetoed by Parliament.

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Joe Oakes

  • Thursday 17th October 2019, 6:47pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 28 posts

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Rapper Tekashi 6ix9ine has reportedly signed an £8m record deal, proving the old prison rule - "snitches get riches".
2. Scientists say that slow walking in your 40s is a sign of faster ageing, and that suddenly stopping on busy pavements to check your phone is a sign of being an inconsiderate idiot.
3. California is going to ban fur, which gives added meaning to the phrase - "getting a Hollywood".

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It was a good week for an English woman who won the World Porridge Making Championship.
It was a bad week for Scotland, who at this rate would even lose the Great British Skag Off.
2. It was a bad week for Facebook as major payment providers pulled out of their doomed crypto-currency project, Libra.
It was a good week for Cancer which is no longer the most awkward star sign.
3. It was a bad week for democracy as China continues its campaign of censorship against global companies.
It was a good week for the Chinese government as they won; the Rugby World Cup, the Nobel Peace Prize and Eurovision.

Notes: Tame, obvious and unfunny. Thought they were all terrible enough to qualify, except the cancer joke, because it has the word cancer in it, duh.

The process of trying to dumb down enough to become worthy of Newsjack has been a thoroughly depressing experience. It's going to takes weeks to retrain my brain to stop looking for awful puns. Whoever oversees the curation of submissions is inept or just doesn't care. I remember when the BBC would take chances on people like Chris Morris, not that I'm comparing him to myself. That's for others to say.

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Kenny Bania

  • Thursday 17th October 2019, 9:26pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 263 posts

For the final time this series......putting far too much faith in bees and porridge, the latest lame ducks are.......

A woman from Suffolk has been voted the worlds best porridge maker, despite being accused of oat rigging

New research has shown that some bees can count up to five, but they do keep droning on about it

A mayor of a Mexican village has been tied to a truck and dragged through the streets in a row over pot holes. He said he thought there were probably easier ways to add tarmac to pot holes

It was a good week for bees, after scientific research showed they could count up to five. And a good week for the scientists, who celebrated with a hive five

It was a good week for a woman who lost her engagement ring, later recovered by two workers sifting through rubbish at the local dump. It was a good week for the workers - they really are diamond geezers

It's been a good week for the Suffolk woman who won the world porridge making championship. And a very good week for her new business, Oaty McOatface ( can't believe I put that in - and subsequent googling the other day found out it's the name of a real ale )

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BTF

  • Thursday 17th October 2019, 9:46pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 558 posts
Quote: Joe Oakes @ 17th October 2019, 6:47 PM

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Rapper Tekashi 6ix9ine has reportedly signed an £8m record deal, proving the old prison rule - "snitches get riches".
2. Scientists say that slow walking in your 40s is a sign of faster ageing, and that suddenly stopping on busy pavements to check your phone is a sign of being an inconsiderate idiot.
3. California is going to ban fur, which gives added meaning to the phrase - "getting a Hollywood".

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It was a good week for an English woman who won the World Porridge Making Championship.
It was a bad week for Scotland, who at this rate would even lose the Great British Skag Off.
2. It was a bad week for Facebook as major payment providers pulled out of their doomed crypto-currency project, Libra.
It was a good week for Cancer which is no longer the most awkward star sign.
3. It was a bad week for democracy as China continues its campaign of censorship against global companies.
It was a good week for the Chinese government as they won; the Rugby World Cup, the Nobel Peace Prize and Eurovision.

Notes: Tame, obvious and unfunny. Thought they were all terrible enough to qualify, except the cancer joke, because it has the word cancer in it, duh.

The process of trying to dumb down enough to become worthy of Newsjack has been a thoroughly depressing experience. It's going to takes weeks to retrain my brain to stop looking for awful puns. Whoever oversees the curation of submissions is inept or just doesn't care. I remember when the BBC would take chances on people like Chris Morris, not that I'm comparing him to myself. That's for others to say.

I know. I need to retrain too.

Quote: Kenny Bania @ 17th October 2019, 9:26 PM

For the final time this series......putting far too much faith in bees and porridge, the latest lame ducks are.......

A woman from Suffolk has been voted the worlds best porridge maker, despite being accused of oat rigging

New research has shown that some bees can count up to five, but they do keep droning on about it

A mayor of a Mexican village has been tied to a truck and dragged through the streets in a row over pot holes. He said he thought there were probably easier ways to add tarmac to pot holes

It was a good week for bees, after scientific research showed they could count up to five. And a good week for the scientists, who celebrated with a hive five

It was a good week for a woman who lost her engagement ring, later recovered by two workers sifting through rubbish at the local dump. It was a good week for the workers - they really are diamond geezers

It's been a good week for the Suffolk woman who won the world porridge making championship. And a very good week for her new business, Oaty McOatface ( can't believe I put that in - and subsequent googling the other day found out it's the name of a real ale )

Like your high five and geezer ones. Got to keep churning the mcface jokes out. They have a cult appeal

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Kenny Bania

  • Thursday 17th October 2019, 9:52pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 263 posts

Thanks for all the feedback this series, BTF - much appreciated

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KevDP4L

  • Thursday 17th October 2019, 10:49pm
  • Belfast, Northern Ireland
  • 71 posts

Only managed 3 for the final week, but have to admit I'm a wee bit disappointed because I thought I was onto a winner with my first GWBW. Ah well, roll on Series 22!

BREAKING NEWS:
1. The government has announced plans to make people present a photo ID when voting, however the move has been branded "undemocratic" by a number of unidentified sources.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a good week for Wrightbus after the Northern Irish company famous for building the "Boris Bus" was saved from administration.
It's been a bad week for the DUP, as this means the Prime Minister still has plenty of buses to throw them under.

2. It's been a good week for Star Wars fans after the words "Jedi" and "lightsabre" were added to the Oxford English Dictionary.
It's been a bad week for Star Trek fans, as these were not the words they were looking for.

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BTF

  • Thursday 17th October 2019, 10:58pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 558 posts
Quote: Kenny Bania @ 17th October 2019, 9:52 PM

Thanks for all the feedback this series, BTF - much appreciated

Pleasure!

Quote: KevDP4L @ 17th October 2019, 10:49 PM

Only managed 3 for the final week, but have to admit I'm a wee bit disappointed because I thought I was onto a winner with my first GWBW. Ah well, roll on Series 22!

BREAKING NEWS:
1. The government has announced plans to make people present a photo ID when voting, however the move has been branded "undemocratic" by a number of unidentified sources.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a good week for Wrightbus after the Northern Irish company famous for building the "Boris Bus" was saved from administration.
It's been a bad week for the DUP, as this means the Prime Minister still has plenty of buses to throw them under.

2. It's been a good week for Star Wars fans after the words "Jedi" and "lightsabre" were added to the Oxford English Dictionary.
It's been a bad week for Star Trek fans, as these were not the words they were looking for.

Yes it's a nice one for sure.

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Joe Oakes

  • Thursday 17th October 2019, 11:27pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 28 posts

Yeah, thanks for all for your feedback and putting up with my semi-mock ranting about the injustice of the whole thing. I've had more fun moaning about Newsjack than trying to write for them. I guess I can say that I now technically have a writing credit on the BBC, but damn it feels dirty. On the plus side, I've gained about a dozen Prince Andrew jokes.

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LateDentArthurDent

  • Friday 18th October 2019, 12:52am
  • United Kingdom
  • 8 posts

ONELINERS
BREAKING NEWS:
1. Voters may need photo ID to vote in the next election. Ministers claimed this is an improvement on the last election for PM, where voters needed a Conservative membership card.
2. The Government has refused to deny it is planning detention centres in Mid-Wales as part of No Deal preparations. However, they reiterated their commitment to rolling out high-speed rural internment.
3. Scientists have found Londoners consume twenty-three kilos of cocaine a day. Despite causing restlessness, irritability, anxiety and paranoia, millions still live in London. Which I guess explains all the percy they're hogsnogging.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a good week for the kitten rescued from a lake in Montana. It's been a bad week for the angler who found him, who's been outed as a catfisher.
2. It's been a good week for Extinction Rebellion, who've found two thousand people willing to be imprisoned for climate change. It's been a bad week for inmates queuing at the veggie counter in Belmarsh.
3. It's been a good week for Swansea University, with seven Olympians starting on the same course. It's been a bad week for Mighty Zeus, who'll have to pay their tuition fees.

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BTF

  • Friday 18th October 2019, 5:53am
  • United Kingdom
  • 558 posts
Quote: LateDentArthurDent @ 18th October 2019, 12:52 AM

ONELINERS
BREAKING NEWS:
1. Voters may need photo ID to vote in the next election. Ministers claimed this is an improvement on the last election for PM, where voters needed a Conservative membership card.
2. The Government has refused to deny it is planning detention centres in Mid-Wales as part of No Deal preparations. However, they reiterated their commitment to rolling out high-speed rural internment.
3. Scientists have found Londoners consume twenty-three kilos of cocaine a day. Despite causing restlessness, irritability, anxiety and paranoia, millions still live in London. Which I guess explains all the percy they're hogsnogging.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a good week for the kitten rescued from a lake in Montana. It's been a bad week for the angler who found him, who's been outed as a catfisher.
2. It's been a good week for Extinction Rebellion, who've found two thousand people willing to be imprisoned for climate change. It's been a bad week for inmates queuing at the veggie counter in Belmarsh.
3. It's been a good week for Swansea University, with seven Olympians starting on the same course. It's been a bad week for Mighty Zeus, who'll have to pay their tuition fees.

My faves 1, 1 and 3.

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skram

  • Friday 18th October 2019, 8:38am
  • Dartmoor, England
  • 96 posts

Another week, another load of rejects - did I make a mistake trimming out 4 and 5 from my Breaking News shortlist (probably not!)?

BREAKING NEWS:
1. A student who was caught trying to sell cannabis cakes was made to write an essay for his punishment - police refused to name the individual but said he wrote Exceedingly Good Essays.

2. England's Chief Medical Officer has said that snacking should be banned on public transport, with one bus company already stating it will ban chocolate bars on its buses, unless it's a Double Decker.

3. Carlsberg has announced it is developing a paper beer bottle, although it will only be available in A-4 pack.

4. The new £20 note was revealed this week - due to be released into circulation 3 months after Brexit, the note will be worth £10.

5. After finishing a marathon in just under 2 hours, Kenyan Eliud Kipchoge said he would have been even faster if he wasn't allergic to peanuts.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for Facebook who announced it is no longer supporting its crypto currency "Libra"; it's been a good week for the naysayers who had described it as an "astrological" mistake.

2. It's been a bad week for Coleen Rooney and Rebecca Vardy who have continued their unseemly online spat; it's been a good week for TV companies who are going to serialise the argument in a new series called "From WAGS To Witches".

3. It's been a good week for Carlsberg who announced it is developing a paper beer bottle; it's been a bad week for its designers who are still torn between 2 designs.

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BTF

  • Friday 18th October 2019, 9:21am
  • United Kingdom
  • 558 posts
Quote: skram @ 18th October 2019, 8:38 AM

Another week, another load of rejects - did I make a mistake trimming out 4 and 5 from my Breaking News shortlist (probably not!)?

BREAKING NEWS:
1. A student who was caught trying to sell cannabis cakes was made to write an essay for his punishment - police refused to name the individual but said he wrote Exceedingly Good Essays.

2. England's Chief Medical Officer has said that snacking should be banned on public transport, with one bus company already stating it will ban chocolate bars on its buses, unless it's a Double Decker.

3. Carlsberg has announced it is developing a paper beer bottle, although it will only be available in A-4 pack.

4. The new £20 note was revealed this week - due to be released into circulation 3 months after Brexit, the note will be worth £10.

5. After finishing a marathon in just under 2 hours, Kenyan Eliud Kipchoge said he would have been even faster if he wasn't allergic to peanuts.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for Facebook who announced it is no longer supporting its crypto currency "Libra"; it's been a good week for the naysayers who had described it as an "astrological" mistake.

2. It's been a bad week for Coleen Rooney and Rebecca Vardy who have continued their unseemly online spat; it's been a good week for TV companies who are going to serialise the argument in a new series called "From WAGS To Witches".

3. It's been a good week for Carlsberg who announced it is developing a paper beer bottle; it's been a bad week for its designers who are still torn between 2 designs.

Like them all

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Rood Eye

  • Friday 18th October 2019, 9:25am [Edited]
  • England
  • 4,103 posts
Quote: skram @ 18th October 2019, 8:38 AM

A student who was caught trying to sell cannabis cakes was made to write an essay for his punishment - police refused to name the individual but said he wrote Exceedingly Good Essays.

A great little item/joke for NewsJack but I would have rendered it:

A student convicted of selling cannabis cakes was ordered by a court to write an essay on the dangers of drugs. The judge said later, "He does write exceedingly good essays."

Quote: skram @ 18th October 2019, 8:38 AM

It's been a bad week for Coleen Rooney and Rebecca Vardy who have continued their unseemly online spat; it's been a good week for TV companies who are going to serialise the argument in a new series called "From WAGS To Witches".

I think it might have been a mistake to name the individuals and then to suggest that they are "witches".

Probably also a bad idea to editorialise your news item by describing their disagreement as "unseemly".

Far better, perhaps, to go:

It's been a bad week for footballers' wives engaged in a very public war of words.

However, it's been a good week for a TV company planning to include their contretemps in a new series entitled "From WAGS To Witches".

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Firkin

  • Friday 18th October 2019, 9:37am
  • United Kingdom
  • 1,011 posts

Liked them all skram although Rood does add polish.

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BTF

  • Friday 18th October 2019, 10:10am [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 558 posts

Yes great feedback Rood. Sorry my feedback poor. Stuck for time.

In other news TrashBat is running a course on how to 'adapt' jokes for Newsjack. Laughing out loud

Bad news is..... fully booked already.