British Comedy Guide

Newsjack Series 21 rejects Page 13

Newsjack. Copyright: BBC.

Newsjack

Topical satirical sketch show on Radio 4 Extra. The programme has an 'open door' policy allowing anyone to submit material

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Patrick Robinson

  • Thursday 10th October 2019, 10:30pm
  • Birmingham, United Kingdom
  • 126 posts

Hi BTF. Lovely one about Manchester Utd. Enjoyed those.

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Thosisd

  • Thursday 10th October 2019, 10:52pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 287 posts

Not my best week...

The Walking Dead is set to have a musical episode. The announcement has left fans wondering if the creators have lost their (ZOMBIE VOICE) brains...delicious brains!

A metal detectorist who found a £3 million treasure only gave the landowner three coins and hid the rest. In a statement the landowner described the situation as beeping beep.

School children in the U.K. will receive compulsory lessons on social media, whether they like it or not.

It's been a bad week for birds as turtle doves could be facing extinction.

It's been a good week for my true love, who has two less Christmas gifts to buy.

It's been a good week for frozen treats after Guinea Pig flavoured ice cream went on sale in Ecuador.

It's been a bad week for the guinea pig who had to test the product.

It's been a good week for the Scottish students who spent a day partying with Bill Murray.

It's been a good week for the Scottish students who spent a day partying with Bill Murray.

It's been a good week for the Scottish...Do you ever have deja vu?

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BTF

  • Thursday 10th October 2019, 11:06pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 519 posts
Quote: Patrick Robinson @ 10th October 2019, 10:30 PM

Hi BTF. Lovely one about Manchester Utd. Enjoyed those.

Most kind Patrick. Sadly it was Jee Knee's

But thanks!

Quote: Thosisd @ 10th October 2019, 10:52 PM

Not my best week...

The Walking Dead is set to have a musical episode. The announcement has left fans wondering if the creators have lost their (ZOMBIE VOICE) brains...delicious brains!

A metal detectorist who found a £3 million treasure only gave the landowner three coins and hid the rest. In a statement the landowner described the situation as beeping beep.

School children in the U.K. will receive compulsory lessons on social media, whether they like it or not.

It's been a bad week for birds as turtle doves could be facing extinction.

It's been a good week for my true love, who has two less Christmas gifts to buy.

It's been a good week for frozen treats after Guinea Pig flavoured ice cream went on sale in Ecuador.

It's been a bad week for the guinea pig who had to test the product.

It's been a good week for the Scottish students who spent a day partying with Bill Murray.

It's been a good week for the Scottish students who spent a day partying with Bill Murray.

It's been a good week for the Scottish...Do you ever have deja vu?

No they are good

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Joe Oakes

  • Thursday 10th October 2019, 11:14pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 28 posts

Dammit, the one they used from me was awful. Not even a joke, just virtue signalling. I'm too embarrassed to even say which one it was as I want no trace on the internet connecting me to that excuse of a joke. I'd feel less humiliated if they found an old tweet of me using the N word. Reading back, my rejections were far superior...

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Paul McCartney's 70's psychedelic double-decker tour bus has been rediscovered, Heather Mills has already demanded 50% of the bus in alimony, preferably the bottom half.
2. What is supposed to be a large sculpture of tulips in Paris has been criticised for looking like a bunch of vaginas, the artist has defended himself by stating "Sorry, but I swear they said two lips".

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LateDentArthurDent

  • Friday 11th October 2019, 2:12am
  • United Kingdom
  • 8 posts

BREAKING NEWS:
1. An award worth a quarter of a million pounds has been announced to breed sheep that fart less. Shepherds are said to be plugging away.
2. A Basingstoke funeral director has quit to be a professional mermaid. While seemingly a career dive, maritime experts have predicted growing potential to combine the roles as ocean acidification continues.
3. Mayoral candidate and not-a-spy Rory Stewart caused mirth by saying he prefers London's Prets to its boozers. He also said he loves the city's phone boxes that turn into elevators, the theta-marked park bench in St James's and newspapers with eyeholes cut in them.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a good week for Greta Thunberg, who's been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. It's been a bad week for anyone who's ever said 'stay in school, kids!'
2. It's been a bad week for Paris, as a new statue of stylised tulips looks like a bouquet of bumholes. It's been a good week for vendors of eau de toilette, which is how you water them.
3. It's been a good week for priests, as the Pope considers allowing married men to get ordained. It's been a bad week for the hundred thousand screenwriters trying to rip off Fleabag.

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Donny Afternoon

  • Friday 11th October 2019, 3:42am
  • England
  • 94 posts

I liked these

BTF:
It's been a good week for cinema-goers, who've enjoyed seeing the film of Judy Garland's life.
It's been a bad week for three devoted fans - they'd love to see the film if they only had the heart for it, or the brains or the courage.

Danno:
Lego has announced a scheme to recycle its plastic bricks. A Lego man gave the following statement: *silence*
Kenny Bania:
The possessions of the late musician Keith Flint will come up for auction in November. His toys will be sold separately in a special 'child Prodigy' auction

Jee Knee:
It's been a bad week for Manchester United, which was described as a 'quagmire of mediocrity' by one of its own staff. It's been a good week for the Manchester United club shop, which has seen a 500% increase in dictionary sales.

Thosisd:
The Walking Dead is set to have a musical episode. The announcement has left fans wondering if the creators have lost their (ZOMBIE VOICE) brains...delicious brains!
[personally I would dispense with the word "delicious", it should be clear what the joke is just from the voice. Really like this one though.]

It's been a bad week for birds as turtle doves could be facing extinction.
It's been a good week for my true love, who has two less Christmas gifts to buy.

It's been a good week for the Scottish students who spent a day partying with Bill Murray.
It's been a good week for the Scottish students who spent a day partying with Bill Murray.
It's been a good week for the Scottish...Do you ever have deja vu?
[really like this one too, but I I don't think you need to say the 'deja vu' bit, I would just repeat the line three times, the audience should laugh in the middle of the third one]

Joe Oakes:
What is supposed to be a large sculpture of tulips in Paris has been criticised for looking like a bunch of vaginas, the artist has defended himself by stating "Sorry, but I swear they said two lips".
[probably too dirty for newsjack though]

LateDentArthurDent:
It's been a good week for Greta Thunberg, who's been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. It's been a bad week for anyone who's ever said 'stay in school, kids!'

Here are my attempts:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Bags of cocaine kept smugglers afloat after their boat capsized. Luckily rescuers arrived before they started coming down.
2. A man is suing Apple, claiming that he turned gay after receiving the cryptocurrency Gaycoin on his phone. He was hugely relieved when authorities informed him he'd be put in a straitjacket.
3. In Thailand there was the tragic death of six elephants. Never forget.
GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It was a bad week for a Florida man who shot his son-in-law who jumped out of the bushes to surprise him for his birthday.
It was a worse week for the terrified woman hiding inside his birthday cake.
2. It was a good week for pigs who were found using tools for the first time.
It was a bad week for their police van, which they still didn't manage to repair.
3. It was a good week for Saturn as it became the planet with the most moons.
It was a bad week for Saturn's rings which felt terribly exposed.

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BTF

  • Friday 11th October 2019, 7:38am [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 519 posts
Quote: Donny Afternoon @ 11th October 2019, 3:42 AM

I liked these

BTF:
It's been a good week for cinema-goers, who've enjoyed seeing the film of Judy Garland's life.
It's been a bad week for three devoted fans - they'd love to see the film if they only had the heart for it, or the brains or the courage.

Danno:
Lego has announced a scheme to recycle its plastic bricks. A Lego man gave the following statement: *silence*
Kenny Bania:
The possessions of the late musician Keith Flint will come up for auction in November. His toys will be sold separately in a special 'child Prodigy' auction

Jee Knee:
It's been a bad week for Manchester United, which was described as a 'quagmire of mediocrity' by one of its own staff. It's been a good week for the Manchester United club shop, which has seen a 500% increase in dictionary sales.

Thosisd:
The Walking Dead is set to have a musical episode. The announcement has left fans wondering if the creators have lost their (ZOMBIE VOICE) brains...delicious brains!
[personally I would dispense with the word "delicious", it should be clear what the joke is just from the voice. Really like this one though.]

It's been a bad week for birds as turtle doves could be facing extinction.
It's been a good week for my true love, who has two less Christmas gifts to buy.

It's been a good week for the Scottish students who spent a day partying with Bill Murray.
It's been a good week for the Scottish students who spent a day partying with Bill Murray.
It's been a good week for the Scottish...Do you ever have deja vu?
[really like this one too, but I I don't think you need to say the 'deja vu' bit, I would just repeat the line three times, the audience should laugh in the middle of the third one]

Joe Oakes:
What is supposed to be a large sculpture of tulips in Paris has been criticised for looking like a bunch of vaginas, the artist has defended himself by stating "Sorry, but I swear they said two lips".
[probably too dirty for newsjack though]

LateDentArthurDent:
It's been a good week for Greta Thunberg, who's been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. It's been a bad week for anyone who's ever said 'stay in school, kids!'

Here are my attempts:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Bags of cocaine kept smugglers afloat after their boat capsized. Luckily rescuers arrived before they started coming down.
2. A man is suing Apple, claiming that he turned gay after receiving the cryptocurrency Gaycoin on his phone. He was hugely relieved when authorities informed him he'd be put in a straitjacket.
3. In Thailand there was the tragic death of six elephants. Never forget.
GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It was a bad week for a Florida man who shot his son-in-law who jumped out of the bushes to surprise him for his birthday.
It was a worse week for the terrified woman hiding inside his birthday cake.
2. It was a good week for pigs who were found using tools for the first time.
It was a bad week for their police van, which they still didn't manage to repair.
3. It was a good week for Saturn as it became the planet with the most moons.
It was a bad week for Saturn's rings which felt terribly exposed.

Thanks Donny Afternoon. I liked your first and fifth the best. I am afraid I can't laugh about the elephants though it was a nice joke. I feel too sentimental about the elephants!

Quote: LateDentArthurDent @ 11th October 2019, 2:12 AM

BREAKING NEWS:
1. An award worth a quarter of a million pounds has been announced to breed sheep that fart less. Shepherds are said to be plugging away.
2. A Basingstoke funeral director has quit to be a professional mermaid. While seemingly a career dive, maritime experts have predicted growing potential to combine the roles as ocean acidification continues.
3. Mayoral candidate and not-a-spy Rory Stewart caused mirth by saying he prefers London's Prets to its boozers. He also said he loves the city's phone boxes that turn into elevators, the theta-marked park bench in St James's and newspapers with eyeholes cut in them.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a good week for Greta Thunberg, who's been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. It's been a bad week for anyone who's ever said 'stay in school, kids!'
2. It's been a bad week for Paris, as a new statue of stylised tulips looks like a bouquet of bumholes. It's been a good week for vendors of eau de toilette, which is how you water them.
3. It's been a good week for priests, as the Pope considers allowing married men to get ordained. It's been a bad week for the hundred thousand screenwriters trying to rip off Fleabag.

Like first two and fourth most.

Quote: Joe Oakes @ 10th October 2019, 11:14 PM

Dammit, the one they used from me was awful. Not even a joke, just virtue signalling. I'm too embarrassed to even say which one it was as I want no trace on the internet connecting me to that excuse of a joke. I'd feel less humiliated if they found an old tweet of me using the N word. Reading back, my rejections were far superior...

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Paul McCartney's 70's psychedelic double-decker tour bus has been rediscovered, Heather Mills has already demanded 50% of the bus in alimony, preferably the bottom half.
2. What is supposed to be a large sculpture of tulips in Paris has been criticised for looking like a bunch of vaginas, the artist has defended himself by stating "Sorry, but I swear they said two lips".

Your two ar funny. Second one especially but probably too rude for this show.

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Thosisd

  • Friday 11th October 2019, 8:08am
  • United Kingdom
  • 287 posts

Thanks for the feedback and yes, I think mine could have benefited from some tweaks. Didn't put in as much effort this week - skipped sketches for what I think was the first time!

Good luck for the final week everyone. Keep going.

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Danno

  • Friday 11th October 2019, 8:52am [Edited]
  • Azerbaijan
  • 307 posts

well, actually laughed at most of the Ep 5 oneliners - now there's a thing - a couple of big, high-fives in there this week...and also a a couple of tumbleweeds (love a good tumbleweed). They doubled up on the zombie deer gags, why do they keep on doing that? ...although, i did think the Bambi GWBW joke was the pick of that bunch. Pirate

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Steev

  • Friday 11th October 2019, 9:28am
  • England
  • 48 posts

1. A suspected terrorist has been arrested for talking about yoga. Police swooped in before you could say "The lotus flower folds gently over Moscow."

2. More women are sharing their menstrual stories online than ever before. Presumably, because everyone loves a good period drama.

3. Financial troubles mean that Pizza Express might fold. They are attempting to rebrand as Calzone Express.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a good week for a number of rabbits who've been spotted surfing on the backs of sheep, to avoid floods.
It's been a bad week for reporters, who fell asleep before managing to count them all.

2. It's been a bad week for the Thomas Cook passengers, who finally made it home this week, 2 weeks after the travel agent went bankrupt.
It's been a good week for the departure lounge at Magaluf airport, which now has an extra 2,000 ratings on trip advisor.

3. It's been a good week for a Russian man who now has a boyfriend, after a text message to his iPhone, turned him gay.
It's been a bad week for Eve, who is now single after forgetting to read Apple's Terms and Conditions.

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Wishus

  • Friday 11th October 2019, 9:40am
  • Northampton, England
  • 133 posts
Quote: MrLiamArnold @ 10th October 2019, 6:44 PM

Some lovely rejects for your enjoyment (hopefully).

BREAKING NEWS:
2. A double decker bus that overturned in Devon has been investigated, after the driver said he was simply trying to correct the jam on his scone.
3. Scientists have discovered that women prefer men who binge drink as it shows a sign of strength. And for anyone doubting the research, those scientists will see you outside.
GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a good week for pigs who were observed using tools for the very first time.
But it's been a big bad week for the wolf, who had just got his breath back.

These are my faves Liam! I think your first BN was also good, but might have needed a knack to read it out properly.

Quote: BTF @ 10th October 2019, 7:20 PM

These are the very weak stinkers I sent in last minute which did deserve rejection.

I think your Judy one showed promise, but it's the rhythm of the punchline I think throws it. Incorporating the rhythm of the song might have worked better, maybe.

Quote: Danno @ 10th October 2019, 8:15 PM

(must have been done before, but i thought it's the kind of bilge NJ might go for)

I went for something obvious too on Pizza Express! I like the Lego one, but can't see how it would work on the radio. It would make a good tweet though.

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Wishus

  • Friday 11th October 2019, 10:19am
  • Northampton, England
  • 133 posts
Quote: Thosisd @ 10th October 2019, 10:52 PM

Not my best week...

The Walking Dead is set to have a musical episode. The announcement has left fans wondering if the creators have lost their (ZOMBIE VOICE) brains...delicious brains!

A metal detectorist who found a £3 million treasure only gave the landowner three coins and hid the rest. In a statement the landowner described the situation as beeping beep.

School children in the U.K. will receive compulsory lessons on social media, whether they like it or not.

It's been a bad week for birds as turtle doves could be facing extinction.

It's been a good week for my true love, who has two less Christmas gifts to buy.

It's been a good week for frozen treats after Guinea Pig flavoured ice cream went on sale in Ecuador.

It's been a bad week for the guinea pig who had to test the product.

It's been a good week for the Scottish students who spent a day partying with Bill Murray.

It's been a good week for the Scottish students who spent a day partying with Bill Murray.

It's been a good week for the Scottish...Do you ever have deja vu?

Tish and nonsense, Thosisd. I liked every single blighter of these. What are they doing?

Quote: Joe Oakes @ 10th October 2019, 11:14 PM

Dammit, the one they used from me was awful. Not even a joke, just virtue signalling. I'm too embarrassed to even say which one it was as I want no trace on the internet connecting me to that excuse of a joke. I'd feel less humiliated if they found an old tweet of me using the N word. Reading back, my rejections were far superior...

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Paul McCartney's 70's psychedelic double-decker tour bus has been rediscovered, Heather Mills has already demanded 50% of the bus in alimony, preferably the bottom half.
2. What is supposed to be a large sculpture of tulips in Paris has been criticised for looking like a bunch of vaginas, the artist has defended himself by stating "Sorry, but I swear they said two lips".

Two lips - ooh it's a bit saucy! I went a bit saucy too. They just don't do elbows on the table level of rude, do they?

Quote: LateDentArthurDent @ 11th October 2019, 2:12 AM

BREAKING NEWS:
1. An award worth a quarter of a million pounds has been announced to breed sheep that fart less. Shepherds are said to be plugging away.
2. A Basingstoke funeral director has quit to be a professional mermaid. While seemingly a career dive, maritime experts have predicted growing potential to combine the roles as ocean acidification continues.
3. Mayoral candidate and not-a-spy Rory Stewart caused mirth by saying he prefers London's Prets to its boozers. He also said he loves the city's phone boxes that turn into elevators, the theta-marked park bench in St James's and newspapers with eyeholes cut in them.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a good week for Greta Thunberg, who's been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. It's been a bad week for anyone who's ever said 'stay in school, kids!'
2. It's been a bad week for Paris, as a new statue of stylised tulips looks like a bouquet of bumholes. It's been a good week for vendors of eau de toilette, which is how you water them.
3. It's been a good week for priests, as the Pope considers allowing married men to get ordained. It's been a bad week for the hundred thousand screenwriters trying to rip off Fleabag.

I like your first BN, but again, probably a bit saucy for them.
BN 2 - i think if you'd finished with "what a career dive", that would have been joke enough for them.
GWBW 1 is fab.

Quote: Steev @ 11th October 2019, 9:28 AM

1. A suspected terrorist has been arrested for talking about yoga. Police swooped in before you could say "The lotus flower folds gently over Moscow."

Alas, they had Calzone Express a lot.

I liked BN1.

Giving the show a listen right now.

Here are my rejects:
BREAKING NEWS:
1. DEFRA has unveiled complicated guidelines for UK travellers wishing to bring their pets into Ireland after we leave the EU, including the need to arrive by sea at designated points of entry. However, rumours that cats must also bring honey, plenty of money wrapped up in a five-pound note and an owl to row them ashore have been dismissed as nonsense.
2. Pizza Express have hired financial advisers to investigate its £1.1bn debt. Advisers, what have you concluded? "They've been a bit sloppy, Giuseppe."
3. The NHS is opening the first clinic to help young people addicted to video games. Treatments will include taking Call of Duty liver oil capsules.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a good week for Extinction Rebellion who have encouraged thousands to attend climate emergency protests, causing Boris Johnson to label them "Uncooperative crusties". It's been a bad week for Boris Johnson who found the true meaning of "uncooperative crusties" when he tried to wear the same shorts for a second day of jogging.
2. It's been a good week for a police officer who won a tribunal against the force who fired him for not shaving his beard. It's been a bad week for the police force, whose decision to fire the officer was described as bit of a chin-scratcher.
3. It's been a good week for Allyson Felix, who has beaten Usain Bolt's gold medal record in Doha, only 10 months after giving birth. It's been a bad week for Usain Bolt, who also probably treats parenthood as a race according to his catchphrase "I always come first".

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Danno

  • Friday 11th October 2019, 10:30am [Edited]
  • Azerbaijan
  • 307 posts

thanks for reading @Wishus & BTF
legoman and pizzaexpress were two very rushed jokes. i suppose silences are a big 'no no' in radio, i thought it might work if it gets quickly filled with *canned* laughter (but i suppose the joke would have had to have been funny in the first place)

actually thought my wedding ring joke was by far the strongest, but maybe that's because it captured my own imagination and not anyone elses'.

...as for NJ not going for private part puns and toilet stuff, i find that that avenue of jokes has to be really clever to get a good laugh, as often they're all too predictable.

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skram

  • Friday 11th October 2019, 12:36pm
  • Dartmoor, England
  • 68 posts

Lots of good one-liners here this week, these are my faves:

Quote: Joe Oakes @ 10th October 2019, 11:14 PM

1. Paul McCartney's 70's psychedelic double-decker tour bus has been rediscovered, Heather Mills has already demanded 50% of the bus in alimony, preferably the bottom half.

Quote: Donny Afternoon @ 11th October 2019, 3:42 AM

1. It was a bad week for a Florida man who shot his son-in-law who jumped out of the bushes to surprise him for his birthday.
It was a worse week for the terrified woman hiding inside his birthday cake.

Quote: Steev @ 11th October 2019, 9:28 AM

More women are sharing their menstrual stories online than ever before. Presumably, because everyone loves a good period drama.

My rejects this week:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Following further protests in Hong Kong police have announced a ban on face masks, although protesters are still allowed to put little slices of cucumber on their eyes.

2. A shortage of accommodation at Bristol University has led to students having to live in Wales, setting a new record for the longest pub crawl home.

3. Amazon has announced that an ambulance was called once every 2 days for staff who had an accident at their warehouse, although it came daily for those who have Prime.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a good week for children in Scotland as a new law will stop them getting smacked; it's been a bad week for sports teams in Scotland as the ban won't stop them getting spanked on a regular basis.

2. It's been a bad week for Apple after a man sued them for turning him gay after he received "GayCoin" cryptocurrency from an app; it's been a good week for lawyers who are launching a class action on behalf of 10 million women who play Angry Birds.

3. It's been a good week for historians after scientists used light ten billion times brighter than the Sun to finally decode ancient scrolls from Pompeii; it's been a bad week for Jeremy Corbyn as new attempts to understand his position on Brexit mean he'll have to buy stronger sunglasses.

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Kenny Bania

  • Friday 11th October 2019, 1:07pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 235 posts

Good batch there, Skram - particularly the breaking news items ( really like the cucumber slices one )
Have you had much on over the 21 series ?