British Comedy Guide

Tell us a joke Page 233

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Sunday 31st May 2020, 8:04am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,219 posts

What's ugly, has 14 legs and only f**ks with men? Law and Order.

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Alfred J Kipper

  • Sunday 31st May 2020, 9:06am [Edited]
  • Aldershot, England
  • 6,189 posts

Young superbrat John McEnroe would get so wound up learning to play tennis and shouting at his coaches all day that he could never sleep at night. After Valium and straight jackets had failed to keep him restful at bedtime a child psychologist persuaded his parents to buy him a state of the art telescope with night sky maps for his tenth birthday to occupy him quietly at night whilst calming him down.

So on that night John's parents finally slept blissfully without earmuffs until about 4am when they were woken by a loud crash of something delicate being smashed against his bedroom wall followed by him screaming 'You Cannot Be Sirius!'

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Sunday 31st May 2020, 10:41am [Edited]
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,219 posts

I dreamed I was playing tennis with the Spice Girls nude. The score got to deuce, and so did I.

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gappy

  • Sunday 31st May 2020, 12:25pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,046 posts

Welcome to this short tour of Tennyson country.

OK, that's Shalott.

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Thief Of Bad Gags

  • Sunday 31st May 2020, 7:13pm
  • Rotherham, United Kingdom
  • 129 posts

An open letter to Michael Monkhouse. Why do you let everyone do the hard work of creating a gag and you suck off it like a leech?

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Sunday 31st May 2020, 9:58pm [Edited]
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,219 posts

I got a free blow job off a leech. What a sucker.
Lord Alfred said, Dad, what's the most boring sport in the world? - Tennis, son.

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Alfred J Kipper

  • Tuesday 2nd June 2020, 10:07pm
  • Aldershot, England
  • 6,189 posts

Laughing out loud Arf. Blimey two ALT jokes in the same page, has he died or something?

I asked Arnie Schswartzer f**k that, I asked Arnie why he's so unsuccessful with women. He said Nine millimetre.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Wednesday 3rd June 2020, 6:40am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,219 posts

What do you call a Brit who f**ks his kid? Dickinson.
What do you call a tranny who f**ks his kid? Emily Dickinson.
What do you call a singer who f**ks his kid so often his penis hurts? Bruised Dickinson.

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Thief Of Bad Gags

  • Wednesday 3rd June 2020, 6:25pm
  • Rotherham, United Kingdom
  • 129 posts

Dogs with bad pants need to change their fashion designers

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Friday 5th June 2020, 9:06am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,219 posts

What wears no pants, sits in a zoo and can't act? Knickerless Cage.

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Thief Of Bad Gags

  • Saturday 6th June 2020, 12:26pm [Edited]
  • Rotherham, United Kingdom
  • 129 posts

Two matchsticks go into a night club. One goes out with a Flumph and the other goes out with a poof

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Saturday 6th June 2020, 1:06pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,219 posts

I went out with an italic, but it wasn't my type.

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Steve Sunshine

  • Sunday 7th June 2020, 12:59am
  • Dagenham, England
  • 14,562 posts

Do you know what I like most about the periodic table?
It does exactly what it says on the Sn

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Tetley Tone

  • Tuesday 9th June 2020, 12:19pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 2 posts

I was throw out of the army for shouting 'stop' during parades

Turns out I was attention seeking

I couldn't understand why I never won on the funfair arcade machines

Then the penny dropped