British Comedy Guide

Tell us a joke Page 229

Avatar

Thief Of Bad Gags

  • Wednesday 6th May 2020, 8:45pm
  • Rotherham, United Kingdom
  • 28 posts

'How can watching Netflix damage your testicles?' Asked the Doctor.
'Easy!' Said the patient. 'By getting caught by Anette's husband, Hans Flicks.'

Avatar

paulted

  • Wednesday 6th May 2020, 10:32pm
  • 127 Inkerman Terrace, Newcastle, England
  • 602 posts

As a cabbie, I wish celebs would sod off. I picked up Dionne Warwick the other day, why the hell would I know the way to San Jose?

... and don't even mention the fiasco of the time I picked up Tony Christie

Avatar

Michael Monkhouse

  • Thursday 7th May 2020, 9:03am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,657 posts

When did McCartney do his only decent work? Yesterday.

Avatar

Rood Eye

  • Thursday 7th May 2020, 11:34am
  • England
  • 3,852 posts
Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 7th May 2020, 9:03 AM

McCartney

I am reminded by Michael's post of a true story which, because it's hilarious, may well qualify as a joke and thus be appropriate for this thread.

When we think about Paul McCartney's offspring, my guess is that almost every BCG member would quickly think of Stella.

He has, however, another daughter called Beatrice (now 16) and it is she who features in this little tale.

When Beatrice was at primary school, her mother Heather Mills attended a parents' evening.

The teacher told her that little Beatrice had a talent for music.

Without a hint of irony, Heather replied, "She gets that from me: I play the saxophone."

Avatar

Michael Monkhouse

  • Thursday 7th May 2020, 12:27pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,657 posts

True story.
Saw a tramp with a dog and gave him a fiver. He said, How about a tip? I said, Eat the dog.

Avatar

Michael Monkhouse

  • Saturday 9th May 2020, 10:49am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,657 posts

Linda said to Paul, You should be at Slotheringdon. He said, Be where, my love?
Linda said to Paul, Your Bsides are repetitive. He said, It's not true, it's not true, it's not true... It's not true.
Linda said to Paul, You sound like One Direction. He said, F**k off bitch.

Avatar

yshakhmetov

  • Sunday 10th May 2020, 1:17pm
  • Faringdon, Oxfordshire, United Kingdom
  • 1 posts

You know the old english rhyme about magpies, "one for sorrow, two for joy, three for a girl, four for a boy, five for silver, six for gold, seven for a secret, never to be told". We have a Russian version of that, too. One for sorrow, two for sorrow, three for sorrow and a KGB agent dressed as a magpie, and four through seven are ALL secret.

AvatarBCG Supporter

Will Cam

  • Sunday 10th May 2020, 4:19pm
  • England
  • 7,973 posts
Quote: yshakhmetov @ 10th May 2020, 1:17 PM

You know the old english rhyme about magpies, "one for sorrow, two for joy, three for a girl, four for a boy, five for silver, six for gold, seven for a secret, never to be told". We have a Russian version of that, too. One for sorrow, two for sorrow, three for sorrow and a KGB agent dressed as a magpie, and four through seven are ALL secret.

Laughing out loud

Avatar

Michael Monkhouse

  • Sunday 10th May 2020, 6:45pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,657 posts

I gave up Scottish blow jobs after a wee taste.

Avatar

Tiggy

  • Sunday 10th May 2020, 7:04pm
  • Reading, England
  • 176 posts

For gamers...

I told the doctor I'm avoiding social situations by playing computer games 24/7. She thinks I might have WASD.

Avatar

paulted

  • Sunday 10th May 2020, 7:32pm
  • 127 Inkerman Terrace, Newcastle, England
  • 602 posts

I wish Paul McCartney would learn to play the pipes of peace. Its gotta be better than listening to his tuneless caterwauling. Ooh my ears.

Avatar

Michael Monkhouse

  • Monday 11th May 2020, 11:46am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,657 posts

What's the difference between a tampax and The Best of McCartney? Wings.

Avatar

Thief Of Bad Gags

  • Monday 11th May 2020, 5:54pm [Edited]
  • Rotherham, United Kingdom
  • 28 posts

Three washing powders in a pub. One bets that the other two can't drink thirteen Comforts. Persil turns to DAZ and says. 'That's a BOLD challenge!'

Avatar

Michael Monkhouse

  • Wednesday 13th May 2020, 10:02am [Edited]
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,657 posts

What's the difference between a marksman and a feminist? A marksman cocks your rifle.

Avatar

paulted

  • Wednesday 13th May 2020, 4:03pm
  • 127 Inkerman Terrace, Newcastle, England
  • 602 posts

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it into a microwave, till its Marvin Gaye.

Or is it Bill Withers?

Hang on, its Stevie Wonder.
Phew, I nearly ballsed that one up......