British Comedy Guide

Tell us a joke Page 232

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Rood Eye

  • Sunday 24th May 2020, 1:18pm [Edited]
  • England
  • 4,103 posts
Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 24th May 2020, 1:07 PM

Cannibal lost a vomiting competition. Brought up the rear.
Gay lost a sex contest. Came up the rear.
One Direction lost a singing contest.

Offended your ear.

PS. Do you see what I did there? Laughing out loud

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Sunday 24th May 2020, 1:39pm [Edited]
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,219 posts

Thank you.
Elvis was offended when I said he misformed participles: I'm all shook up.
McCartney was offended when I said he made repetitive Bsides: It's not true, it's not true, it's not true.
One Direction were offended when I said they were total shit.

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Thief Of Bad Gags

  • Sunday 24th May 2020, 3:47pm [Edited]
  • Rotherham, United Kingdom
  • 129 posts

The new Nasa Taxi service to the Space Station launches on Wednesday. To keep costs down Astronauts will tell the taxi driver to stop when the clock reaches a million dollars then they will get out and walk the rest of the way.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Sunday 24th May 2020, 8:21pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,219 posts

I feel hemmed in by Facebook. I want my space back.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Tuesday 26th May 2020, 7:22am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,219 posts

Leonardo's tired of his model complaining. You're such a moaner, Lisa.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Wednesday 27th May 2020, 11:37am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,219 posts

DIY is like One Direction. You make a bolt for the door.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Wednesday 27th May 2020, 12:42pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,219 posts

Will I win a diarrhea contest, or am I just an also-ran?
Will Rowan Atkinson ever create a new character, or is he just a has-Bean?
Will One Direction ever do f**k all?

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paulted

  • Wednesday 27th May 2020, 4:04pm
  • 127 Inkerman Terrace, Newcastle, England
  • 619 posts

I drove up to County Durham to get my eyes tested, when I got there all I could see was bald, bullshitting tosspot.
Small world eh?

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Friday 29th May 2020, 7:44am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,219 posts

What's the difference between Skype and Zoom? 10 quid.

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Thief Of Bad Gags

  • Friday 29th May 2020, 9:32pm
  • Rotherham, United Kingdom
  • 129 posts

A new factory in Sheffield that makes Binoculars has been built the wrong way round. It was only discovered when an employee noticed it takes one mile to get to work and ten miles to travel home

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Thief Of Bad Gags

  • Friday 29th May 2020, 10:53pm
  • Rotherham, United Kingdom
  • 129 posts

Public Toilets will have yellow markings on the floor as lockdown eases

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Friday 29th May 2020, 11:02pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,219 posts

It said in the WC, 'Put only toilet paper down the toilet.' So I shat on the floor.

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Thief Of Bad Gags

  • Saturday 30th May 2020, 12:27pm
  • Rotherham, United Kingdom
  • 129 posts

Lee Mack to present TV talent contest for Carpenters. This will take place in Epping Forest and hitting the hammer on the nail it will soon be known has Effing Forest