British Comedy Guide

Darren Walsh puns on names of 180+ Fringe comedians

Darren Walsh.Darren Walsh is lightening quick at thinking up puns, as he's currently proving in his gag-packed live show: Punderbolt (at the Pleasance Courtyard).

He's taken things one further now, by recording a pun-heavy guide to over 180 of the comedians performing at this year's Edinburgh Fringe.

This is epic! Press play, or alternatively read the gags in text format below the video.

For those that prefer to read rather than listen/watch, here's a transcript of the gags:

Assembly George Square Theatre

1. At 8:45pm it's Chris Ramsey. I bet Chris doesn't want Daniel Kitson coming to his show, that'd be Ramsey's Kitson Nightmares.

2. At 7:15pm it's David O'Doherty. A hot super model leant David some money, and now David owe d'hottie.

3. At 8:40pm it's Charlie Baker. If Charlie decided to open a bakers, he should call it Charlie's Bagels.

4. At 8:45pm it's Luisa Omielan. Luisa used to work as a waitress. I once asked her where the toilet was just as she was serving me my roast lamb. I said "Can you tell me where the loos is... ah m'lamb!"

5. At 10:30pm it's Andrew Maxwell. I told Andrew not to use his Apple laptop in the blistering heat. And now Andrew Mac swell.

Just the Tonic Mash House

6. At 4:20pm it's Scott Bennett. Scott likes to protect himself. He's got bayonet.

7. At 6:20pm it's Holly Burn. Don't kiss under the mistletoe with your head on fire, you'll get holly burn.

8. At 6:20pm it's Sooz Kempner. "My alarms going off" "put it on snooze, Kempner".

9. At 7:40pm it's Matthew Crosby. Be careful if you're eating your dinner whilst listening to folk-rock. Crosby steals some mash.

10. At 8:00pm it's Steve Bugeja. You shouldn't have invited Steve to your gig. Steve booed ya.

Espionage

11. At 5:30pm it's Amir Khoshsokhan. "Hey Amir, do you mind if I pun your name?" "Course ya can!"

The Hive

12. At 1:30pm it's Ali Brice. Andele! Andele! Alibrice! Alibrice!

13. At 2:00pm it's Joz Norris. The audience didn't know when to laugh. Neither Joz nor us.

14. At 3:00pm it's Ben Target. At least I think it's pronounced Target. This is just a bit of Target Practice.

15. At 3:30pm it's Candi Gigi. Caaaaaaandy. That was a Candy Baa.

16. At 4:20pm it's Beth Vyse. Beth likes to hang around to the The Sound of Music. It's IdleVyse.

17. At 5:20pm it's Adam Hess. Laurel brought Hardy to Adam's show. Hardy said "Well, here's another fine Hess you've gotten me into!".

18. At 5:30pm it's Ed Aczel. When it comes to comedy, Ed excels.

19. At 6:30pm it's Paul Currie. I saw a fruit korma, it was an Apple Curry.

20. At 6:40pm it's Pat Cahill. At a scrapyard I saw a large heap of vehicles. It was a part-van, part-car hill.

21. At 7:40pm it's Simon Munnery. Simon's show is a training college for priests. It's a seminary.

22. At 7:50pm it's Tim Renkow. Tim ate a sparrow, a blackbird and a seagull, but where did Tim wren go?

23. At 8:50pm it's Bobby Mair. Bobby got expelled from Camelot, because he was a bit of a Knight Mair.

24. At 9:00pm it's Spencer Jones. If there are any laughs, it's at the expense of Jones.

Pleasance Dome

25. At 8:00pm it's Rob Beckett. Jack and Jill went up the hill, only to find someone had robbed bucket.

26. At 8:00pm it's Nathan Caton. He didn't get this pun at first, then Nathan Catoned on.

27. At 9:45pm it's Adam Riches. There's a new Dutch cheese that is really mature. It's Edam rich cheese.

Blind Poet

28. At 1:30pm it's Colin Leggo. This pun is going to be great! Hope it hasn't been built it up too much.

29. At 5:15pm it's Aaron Twitchen. I tried to do a Marathon with ants in my pants. I ran twichin'

Opium

30. At 1:15pm it's Caroline Mabey. There's an obvious pun here, maybe I'm not seeing it.

31. At 3:45pm it's Matt Winning. I can't decide whether to decorate my flat with matte or gloss paint. I think it's matte winning.

Cabaret Voltaire

32. At 12:05pm it's Tim Shishodia. "How do you like your kebabs Tim?" "Sheesh" "Oh d'ya?".

33. At 3:50pm it's Stuart Laws. If he doesn't get this pun, it's Stuart's loss.

Assembly George Square Gardens

34. At 7:20pm it's Al Murray. Apparently the Pub Landlord is looking for a wife. Al Murray him!

35. At 9:00pm it's Margaret Thatcher. If you don't like Margaret, Well... Thatcher opinion.

Just the Tonic Community Project

36. At 5:35pm it's Lewis Schaffer. I've spent far too long on this pun and now I've got nothing to Schaffer it.

37. At 6:55pm it's Peter Brush. If you need to unblock your toilet, you can't beat a brush.

Banshee Labyrinth

38. At 2:20pm it's Mark Stephenson. I coached my nephew at a local football match. I told him to mark Stephen's son.

39. At 3:30pm it's Chris Coltrane. Chris, call train. "Train!"

40. At 4:00pm it's Rob Auton. What do you call a large, grey, self-governing poet? A RobAutonomous.

41. At 7:15pm it's Philip O'Shea. What do you call a large grey mammal performing at the fringe? A PhilipOSheatamus.

Assembly Rooms

42. At 12:45pm it's Alexei Sayle. There's selling Japanese cars cheap. it's a Lexus sale.

43. At 12:45pm it's Jo Brand. I asked an east London Cockney where I could get a job, he said "you can get a job rand here".

44. At 2:00pm it's Mark Thomas. Er I'm not gonna Mock Thomas.

45. At 2:00pm it's Stephen K Amos. In Stephen's hometown, no one gets on with each other. it's an Amos city.

46. At 2:00pm it's Susan Calman. Susan, call man, "Man!".

47. At 2:15pm it's Stewart Lee. Firm, steadfast, and uncompromising. That's stalwartly.

48. At 8:10pm it's Stewart Francis. "There is no country in the world where it is illegal to name your pig Napoleon" er I dunno Stewart, France is.

49. At 9:25pm it's Jerry Sadowitz. He's been told to stop swearing too many times now. Jerry's had it with censorship.

50. At 9:40pm it's Tom Stade. After his show, everyone left, but Tom stayed.

51. At 11:10pm it's Phil Nichol. When I change my coins into US currency, I feel nickel.

Ciao Roma

52. At 7:05pm it's Aidan Goatley. Ay Dan! Goat lately?

53. At 8:20pm it's Kate Smurthwaite. I was wondering how funny Kate is. What's Kate's mirth weight?

Udderbelly (Med Quad)

54. At 4:05pm it's Laura Lexx. Superman's archenemy said he's going to outlaw Superheroes. It's the law of Lex.

55. At 6:45pm it's Jody Kamali. I thought he'd be late, but Jody come early.

56. At 9:25pm it's Garrett Millerick. I wrote some lyrics down on a biscuit. Gar ate m'lyric.

Just the Tonic Tron

57. At 2:20pm it's Geoff Norcott. When his baby cries, Geoff ignore cot.

58. At 5:00pm it's Harry Deansway. He wasn't convinced at first, but now Harry Dean swayed.

59. At 9:00pm it's Julian Deane. I asked his girlfriend, D'you lie on Deane?

Three Sisters

60. At 12:15pm it's Henry Ginsberg. Henry for got about that bottle of gin he put in the freezer, now it's Henry's gin berg.

61. At 1:15pm it's Mike Wozniak. Mike tried to explain to me what a knee-yak was. I said "Mike, what's a knee-yak?"

62. At 5:00pm it's Jenny Collier. If you leave a voicemail, don't worry, Jenny'll call ya.

63. At 5:15pm it's Adam Belbin. *ding* Where's Adam's bell been?

64. At 5:15pm it's James Dowdeswell. Some people don't like his Dad, but I think James Dad's swell.

65. At 8:45pm it's Chris Martin. Chris said he'd given up flirting outside pubs with a cigarette, but I saw Chris smirting.

66. At 9:45pm it's Jem Brookes. If Jem argued that the best ever soap opera was set in Liverpool, I'd be on Brookes' side.

67. At 10:15pm it's Stuart Black. He stole all my casserole paintings. I said "OI! Can I have my Stew Art Back?"

The Counting House

68. At 1:15pm it's Sy Thomas. *Sigh* Thomas.

69. At 3:20pm it's Hari Sriskantha. Hari said I hope this puns isn't carcinogenic. "Hari, Sshh risk cancer".

70. At 5:15pm it's Milo McCabe. I used to be addicted to a malted chocolate beverage. It was Milo pint.

71. At 7:30pm it's Ahir Shah. Yeah, I hears ya.

72. At 8:45pm it's Andrew Watts. Andrew will be doing 20 shows this Edinburgh. That's 20 gig o' Watts.

73. At 9:00pm it's Joel Dommett. Some of these puns are too Highbrow. Might have to Dommett down a bit.

74. At 9:30pm it's Don Biswas. Don set up a comedy club in India. That's where Don's biz was.

75. At 9:30pm it's James Loveridge. James brings all his ladyfriends to a romantic cliff. It's James lover ridge.

Glided Balloon

76. At 5:15pm it's Abigoliah Schamaun. She lied and said she could sing like Michael Jackson, but I'm a bigger liar. Shamone!

77. At 5:30pm it's Bec Hill. Bec is giving away a free belt fastener to everyone that comes to her show. She calls them belt Bec Hills.

78. At 5:45pm it's Christian O'Connell. He built a house for his dog out of religious wood. it's a Christian oak kennel.

79. At 6:45pm it's Amy Howerska. What's Howerka'can happen?

80. At 6:45pm it's Diane Spencer. I hope Diane spends 'er time reading this.

81. At 7:00pm it's Justin Moorhouse. I saw a Scottish man on his roof and asked him what he was doing. He said "I'm ajustin' ma hoose"

82. At 7:30pm it's Tommy Tiernan. How does Tommy eat curry? Tommy tear naan.

83. At 7:30pm it's Alan Davies. Alan's back garden. That's a land of his.

84. At 7:30pm it's Barry Cryer. "Barry!?"

85. At 8:15pm it's Adrienne Truscott. Adrienne just got her name punned.

86. At 8:15pm it's Greg Proops. Or The Gregs of Society. Sorry, that's not approopriate.

87. At 8:15pm it's Jarred Christmas. Last December, we burnt our tree down. It was a charred Christmas.

88. At 8:15pm it's Patrick Monahan. I saw a pig travelling on a single train rail. It's a mono ham.

89. At 9:00pm it's Ed Byrne. Don't forgot your sunhat, or your 'ed burn

90. At 9:30pm it's Aisling Bea. Er, I think i'll just let Aisling be.

91. At 11:30pm it's Nathan Cassidy. Nathan has a villa in Spain. He calls it 'Casa de Nathan'.

Arthur's Seat

92. At 2:00pm it's Barry Ferns. Sometimes Barry does jokes about rice strainers and audiences find it a Fern-sieve.

Canons' Gait

93. At 4:55pm it's Stuart Goldsmith. There's a rumour going round that Stuart can turn lead into gold. it's Stuart's Gold myth.

Udderbelly (Cowgate)

94. At 7:20pm it's Paul Foot. I saw the word Paul written a the bottom of a page. It was a Foot note.

95. At 8:00pm it's Joey Page. I'm reading a book on Kangaroos. I'm at the Joey page.

The Stand

96. At 11:00am it's Bridget Christie. She had nearly finished constructing a road over a river. I said, "is it a bridge yet Chirstie?"

97. At 12:10pm it's Fern Brady. *posh accent* "If I ever need a Scottish person to talk to, I phone Brady".

98. At 12:10pm it's Michael Legge. To cool my hot leg down, I stick it in the fridge. Now it's my cool leg.

99. At 12:20pm it's Tobias Persson. I like going to his show, cos he likes to buy us a drink. (true story).

100. At 1:00pm it's Tony Law. You're not allowed to use your knees as toes. It's Toe-knee law.

101. At 1:20pm it's Sameena Zehra. Sameena told me she hated puns. That was so mean of Zehra.

102. At 2:30pm it's Seymour Mace. If you join the police force, you'll see more mace.

103. At 3:40pm it's Simon Donald. Simon was supposed to do new material, but Simon done auld material.

104. At 4:05pm it's Tiff Stevenson. "Is that a Jpeg?" No it's a tif, Stevenson.

105. At 4:25pm it's Katherine Ryan. Katherine wheel = Orange Peel. Cockney Ryan slang.

106. At 5:00pm it's Paul Sinha. Paul has just joined a Polish choir. He's a Pole singer.

107. At 5:20pm it's Tom Allen. Tom lost the allen key for his IKEA bookshelf. Couldn't make it up.

108. At 6:15pm it's Vladimir McTavish. He was disappointed that I was the only audience member. I said "Well I'm glad I'm 'ere, McTavish".

109. At 6:30pm it's Alun Cochrane. I saw it raining baby sheep and roosters. It was a lamb-cock rain.

110. At 7:40pm it's Imran Yusuf. I asked Imran if he wanted me to recommend him a Tailor, but he said no. I thought, Suit Yusuf.

111. At 8:00pm it's Jo Caulfield. I saw some pretend petroleum. It was a joke oilfield.

112. At 9:00pm it's Will Franken. Will told me to bring some aromatic resin for the baby Jesus. That's Franken sense.

Whistlebinkies

113. At 2:45pm it's Gary Coleman. Gary call 'man'. "MAN!"

Assembly Roxy

114. At 8:10pm it's Andrew Lawrence. These days Andrew gets lots of TV work in the middle east. When people see him they say it's Lawrence, off Arabia!

Underbelly (Circus Hub)

115. At 10:40pm it's Piff the Magic Dragon. I ate a dragon pie, it was baked in Piff pastry.

Voodoo Rooms

116. At 12:30pm it's Danielle Ward. Dan, yell 'ward'. "WARD!"

117. At 5:15pm it's David Mills. He was told not to feed the zoo animals, but Dave fed meals.

118. At 6:55pm it's John-Luke Roberts. "Where's Roberts?" Said John to the Scottish man. "John, look! Roberts".

119. At 11:05pm it's Frank Sinazi. Frank's gonna be F├╝hrerious about this.

120. At 11:45pm it's Jayde Adams. She said "why aren't I more famous?" I said "Aw Jayde, didums..."

Just the Tonic at the Caves

121. At 9:55pm it's Mat Ewins. Err.. Can't think of a pun for this. Alright Matt, You win.

Finnegans Wake

122. At 1:15pm it's Ivor Dembina. Yeah, well Ivor Dembina too, but I don't go on about it.

123. At 6:15pm it's Matt Price. There's a new game show featuring a storytelling comedian called 'Name Matt Price'.

Assembly Hall

124. At 7:30pm it's Milton Jones. Tom Jones asked me "Darren what's that word when you compare one thing with another thing?" I said, "it's a simile Tom Jones".

125. At 7:30pm it's Adam Hills. I don't know why he parked his car on that slope. It was a damn hill-start.

126. At 9:00pm it's Jason Byrne. Jason likes to run around after Matt Damon asking for his autograph. He's Chasin' Bourne.

127. At 9:30pm it's Marcus Brigstocke. Marcus owns a castle, but the door got jammed and now Marcus' bridge stuck.

128. At 10:30pm it's Trevor Noah. A woman is claiming she used to date Trevor, but does Trevor know 'er?

Dropkick Murphys

129. At 2:30pm it's Masai Graham. Graham went to the Christmas party dressed as Jesus. They said "Oh my god, it's the Messia... Graham?"

Assembly George Square Studios

130. At 5:30pm it's Alfie Moore. I tell you what, Alfie Moore happier when this is all over.

131. At 6:35pm it's Christ Kent. Er... I Kent think of one for this.

132. At 6:45pm it's Sarah Kendall. I don't want this Barbie doll, is there a Ken doll?

133. At 7:50pm it's Andrew Ryan. Andrew was always destined to be a big star, because he's a Ryan.

134. At 8:00pm it's Patrick Kielty. Patrick's Donkey has been arrested for impersonating him. Kielty ass charged.

135. At 8:00pm it's John Robins. John has got a new job on Radio 4 co-presenting The Infinite Monkey Cage. He's gonna join Rob Ince.

136. At 8:15pm it's Mark Steel. Before he was a comedian, Mark had a job Engraving Trophies. He used to mark steel.

137. At 9:05pm it's Jamie MacDonald. Most people have the latest Apple computers, but Jamie's Mac done Auld.

138. At 9:20pm it's Glenn Wool. I don't think a valley would hold Scottish water, but a Glen will.

139. At 10:45pm it's Josh Widdicombe. "Should I brush my hair with this potato?" he said. "No Josh, Widdicombe!"

140. At 10:45pm it's Dan Clark. I saw an unpleasantly damp and cold bird. It was a dank lark.

BlundaBus

141. At 8:30pm it's Phil Kay. I thought the hole in my narrow boat would sink it, but luckily there wasn't enough to fill kayak.

142. At 9:45pm it's Paul Ricketts. If he hosted a comedy competition, would Paul Rigg it?

143. At 11:00pm it's Bob Slayer. Everyone is looking forward to a great line-up at The Hive. or as it's sometimes called 'Bob's Lair'.

City Cafe

144. At 5:30pm it's Lou Sanders. This is tights ANDERS, this is loose A N D E R S.

145. At 6:45pm it's Will Mars. Venus could never support life, but will Mars?

Pleasance Courtyard

147. At 11:50am it's Shaun Keaveny. We were hiding from a massive violent bottle of ink, when Shaun sneezed. I said "Shh, or ink heave knee".

148. At 4:00pm it's Paul Merton. I made a fruit and sheep pie. It's apple mutton.

149. At 4:00pm it's Gyles Brandreth. If you want flexible enough to compete with Brandreth, you need to be a Gyle.

150. At 4:15pm it's Stephen Bailey. Stephen is really good at screaming in and Irish accent. It's Bailey's Irish scream.

151. At 4:35pm it's Tania Edwards. Make sure you wear a sun hat, or you'll tan your 'ead worst.

152. At 4:45pm it's Rhys James. Rhys James. Rhys found some extra sodium for his chips. What a Rhysalt!

153. At 5:10pm it's Nicholas Parsons. A load of priests used to turn up to his shows wearing knickers, but now they're knickerless Parsons.

154. At 5:30pm it's Larry Dean. What's Larry daein?

155. At 5:45pm it's Harriet Kemsley. Ken invited Harry sleighing, but Harry ate Ken's sleigh.

156. At 6:00pm it's David Elms. Dave used to video oak trees, but now Dave vid Elms.

157. At 6:00pm it's Fin Taylor. My cuddly shark toy is falling apart. I need a fin taylor.

158. At 7:00pm it's Tim FitzHigham. Tim is a trained gynecologist, that's how Tim fits hymen.

159. At 7:00pm it's Jack Barry. Jack and his mate were life drawing models, but the students drew Barry more.

160. At 7:00pm it's Alex Horne. That's not a Volkswagen or a Ford, it's a Lex horn.

161. At 7:00pm it's Ian Smith. There's a rumour going round that Ian has the body of a horse. It's Ian's myth.

162. At 7:00pm it's Phil Jerrod. Gerard Depardieu asked me what that iron tower in Paris was called. I said "Eiffel, Gerrard".

163. At 7:05pm it's Danny Ward. I went to the hospital about my knee, but I went to the wrong ward. I wanted da knee ward...

164. At 7:15pm it's Dane Baptiste. He likes to wear low-cut tops. It's Dane's bap tease.

165. At 8:00pm it's Joe Lycett. Joe's head used to be full of parasitic insects that fed on his blood. That's what Joe's lice ate.

166. At 8:00pm it's Pete Firman. Pete has created his own brand of Hair dye for the older gentlemen, but it's Just Firman.

167. At 8:00pm it's Hal Cruttenden. Hal is going to be preforming a religious ceremony with a female sheep. Hal ay? ewe yeah?

168. At 8:00pm it's Reginald D Hunter. This isn't a pretend D Hunter, it's the original D Hunter.

169. At 8:15pm it's Angela Barnes. Angela has opened up an fundamentalist Comedy Club in Afghanistan. It's called 'Talibarnes'.

170. At 8:15pm it's Sean McLoughlin. Lynne asked me why I had hairy sheep clock, but now I've shorn my clock, Lynne.

171. At 8:30pm it's Alex Edelman. I prefer Apple Computers, but Alex a Dell man.

172. At 8:30pm it's James Acaster. A young actress auditioned for a part in his play. James A cast'er.

173. At 8:30pm it's Carl Donnelly. I was worries Carl would overrun, but Carl done early.

174. At 8:30pm it's Lloyd Griffith. I asked a Northern Irish man if I was allowed Griffith. He said, "No, you're not allowed Griffith".

175. At 9:00pm it's Felicity Ward. Felicity should do a show with Matt Winning. It'd be a Ward-Winning.

176. At 9:15pm it's Mark Simmons. When you're a socialist one-liner comedian, that's Marxismimmons.

177. At 9:30pm it's Brett Goldstein. In this show you'll see Brett power a train. It's Brett's Coal steam.

178. At 9:30pm it's Pierre Novellie. I wanted Pierre to count to 9 in french, but Pierre neuf early.

179. At 9:40pm it's John Hastings. "Hey Darren alright if I sit on this bale of hay naked?" No John, hay stings!

180. At 9:45pm it's Luke McQueen. I met a Scottish person who loved visiting the British Monarchy. He said "Look, ma Queen!".

181. At 9:45pm it's Tim Key. Tim like to repeat his poems word for word: It's verba-tim.

182. At 9:45pm it's Chris Turner. Chris's girlfriend didn't like puns, but Chris turn 'er.

182. At 10:45pm it's Chris Stokes. Don't go to this show if you're looking for Gary Coleman. It's a Different Stokes.

183. At 10:45pm it's Lee Nelson. At he battle of Waterloo, Napoleon called his opponent 'Le Nelson'.

184. At 11:15pm it's Beardyman. He was annoyed that people had brought alcohol into his show. I said "it's beer day, man!"

185. At 11:15pm it's Mark Watson. "Hey Darren have you seen the TV?" "No Mark, what's on?"

'Darren Walsh: Punderbolt' is at 8:30pm at Pleasance Courtyard on 5-16, 18-31 August. Listing

Darren also has a joke book out: Cheep Laughs

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