British Comedy Guide

Newsjack rejects series 20 Page 3

Newsjack. Copyright: BBC.

Newsjack

Topical satirical sketch show on Radio 4 Extra. The programme has an 'open door' policy allowing anyone to submit material

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Mrkgrngr

  • Friday 22nd February 2019, 7:00pm
  • England
  • 81 posts

Oh, so you can't say that here either. Duly noted.

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Stobbart42

  • Saturday 23rd February 2019, 12:00am
  • Japan
  • 163 posts
Quote: AidanMcComedy @ 22nd February 2019, 6:16 PM

Good tip. Felt like a risk but I thought it was worth a punt as it was post-watershed.

Just say 'twit'. It's an absolutely fine insult and perfectly acceptable and yet everyone will know what word was really meant and fill in the gap anyway.

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AidanMcComedy

  • Saturday 23rd February 2019, 12:16am
  • Leeds, England
  • 21 posts
Quote: Stobbart42 @ 23rd February 2019, 12:00 AM

Just say 'twit'. It's an absolutely fine insult and perfectly acceptable and yet everyone will know what word was really meant and fill in the gap anyway.

That wouldn't work as I playing on the specific sexual meaning of twat.

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B T F

  • Sunday 24th February 2019, 10:00am [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 156 posts
Quote: Danno @ 20th February 2019, 12:55 PM

Sorry I'm late, some hilarious gags on here, really impressed.

Here are some of mine so far...

Manchester is to launch a Valentine's Day blood giving campaign: previous attempts to meet a shortfall in donor numbers have so far been 'in vein'.

The Duke of Edinburgh has decided to give up driving. The news came as a relief to Norfolk Police who now anticipate a sharp drop in reports of crop circles.

A London judge has had to apologise for falling asleep in court. She said she deeply regretted the incident which resulted in a suspended sentence.

Liam Nissen: A cosh wielding Sunderland car manufacturer with a very particular set of skills.

Divorce Bill: What friends of Hilary Clinton kept saying during the 90s. (made the script)

M&S Love Sausage: The Valentine's Day special that sounds more like a Facebook 'frape'

The Single Market: A system promoting the free movement of trout pouts and dick pics

Birdbox Challenge: What Theresa May's been doing for the past two-and-a-half years.

Really liked first 5 in particular. Liam Nissen - great idea.

Quote: AidanMcComedy @ 21st February 2019, 8:06 AM

haha!

I'll save sharing all six of my weekly submissions, but I had high hopes for this from week 1:

"A Hawaii politician is proposing raising the minimum age for buying cigarettes to 100. Shops will however ask for ID if the customer looks below 125. "

I wasn't hugely confident on my second week submissions. Feel a lot more confident this week... 10 hours 'til we find out.

Good joke, good angle. Works better than saying if customer looks 99 which is what I played with and gave up on.

Quote: Danno @ 21st February 2019, 6:39 PM

LOL @TommyB

Here's a few of my ep 3 bloopers that didn't butter any parsnips...

Music legend and library patron, Dolly Parton, has helped sign up five thousand kids for free books. She's particularly keen to work with ages 9 to 5.

Brexiteers: Generally worn with a Brexit nose and glasses.

Podcast: An actor who always ends up playing the part of a dolphin.

It's been a bad week for the Inland Revenue as the UK's richest man confirms he's moving to Monaco.
It's been a good week for the UK's second richest man.

*sighs*

Dolly - definite Newsjack type could imagine on show.
Brexiteers...Brexit nose and glasses! Ha! Great. Especially at family gatherings, Danno. Maybe you could have put Brexit-ears to signal the joke to someone quickly sorting through 1000s. It should be obvious as a joke but if someone is in a hurry...

Sorry groan really like podcast.

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B T F

  • Sunday 24th February 2019, 10:19am [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 156 posts
Quote: Kenny Bania @ 21st February 2019, 9:31 PM

Enjoyed the 'brexiteers', Danno

I could only muster one poor newsjackipedia this week :
Climate change : pocket money for a school protest march

but was happier with some of my others :
BNs

Cyclists in Derby have protested against the removal of a cycle lane by stripping to their underwear. Onlookers said the cycle lane marks weren't visible, but plenty of skid marks were

Since accusing Churchill of being a villain, John McDonnell has seen a huge rise in his car insurance renewal price

Coleen Rooney has been seen without her wedding band. After following her around for years, the Mariachi singers say they've had enough

GWBW

It's been another bad week for the Karl Marx memorial, but a very good week to try out new Cillit Bang graveyard graffiti remover

Its been a bad week for customers of Flybmi, but a good week for Countdown contestants who've learnt a new word to spell from only one vowel and five consonants

back to the drawing board.........

Funny. All good for me. Just curious would they avoid Cillit Band because of brand name? Wondered if the Mariachi singers may be a name a lot may not get.

Quote: Stobbart42 @ 21st February 2019, 11:00 PM

Here's a couple from this week.

NASA's Opportunity rover's final message to Earth was 'My battery is low and it's getting dark'. Interestingly, this is also the last thing Theresa May says before plugging herself into the mains every night.

President Trump has declared a national emergency in order to get funding for a wall big enough to hang all of his Nobel prizes.

Funny. I just think they got loads similar. I put a good week one along the same lines as Oppy and May being a robot. I like yours better.

Quote: sillysausage @ 22nd February 2019, 8:22 AM

My fruitless efforts for this week. One made the script but not the edit. Not sure which one yet.

1. Boycie actor John Challis says he's disgusted tickets for the Only Fools and Horses musical are being resold at vastly inflated prices. He said he'd love to know where these get rich quick conmen get their ideas from.

2. Scientists have managed to rejuvenate damaged brain cells in rodents. Their experiment involved watching three blind mice to see how they run.

3. Inmates at Nottingham Prison have been caught smuggling in mamba sprayed onto the pages of a Harry Potter book. The prisoners are now searching for the Golden Snitch.

NEWSJACKIPEDIA:

1. INDEPENDENT GROUP: Name of the most underwhelming breakaway since H & Claire left Steps.

2. BREAK UP WITH UR GIRLFRIEND I'M BORED: Number one hit for Ariana Grande and the code phrase used by Chuka Umanna to recruit more Labour defectors.

3. YEARS AND YEARS: Brit-nominated British duo and the length of time it's going to take to sort out Brexit.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:

1. Good week for 21 Pilots as they're nominated for Best International Act at the Brit Awards. Bad week for 21 pilots as they're told they no longer have a job at FlyBMI.

2. Bad week for Leeds United who've been fined £200,000 for spying on Derby County in training. Good week for Leeds United who've been offered £250,000 for grainy footage of Frank Lampard holding some cones.

3. Bad week for soap fans as EastEnders is cancelled to make way for football. Good week for the residents of Albert Square as they can finally enjoy a Monday night without anything awful happening.

Solid gags all. Golden snitch - nice one.

Auditchris
Favourites first 6 though can also imagine Newsjack putting 7 and 8 on. Last one - for me very good!

Quote: TommyB @ 21st February 2019, 6:28 PM

Thought I'd share the one oneliner (Newsjackipedia) I actually liked that I wrote for this week's here, seeing as though my inbox is empty.

Party Split - Jeremy Corbyn's new dessert, available in his new cookbook: 'For the many, not the Jew'.

Clever.

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BTF

  • Sunday 24th February 2019, 2:10pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 519 posts

My rejects and attempts at humour:
BREAKING NEWS:
1. A hygiene expert's found that, if you store your toothbrush in the bathroom, particles of faeces land on it, giving new meaning to the phrase...... 'Drinkypoos'!
2. An Oldham teenager in a coma has woken to a surprise baby - the first three months of sleepless nights got me like that too, love.
3. As a photo's gone viral of a rat found, passed out on a New York sidewalk, next to a bottle of cognac, we ask - is humane rat poisoning getting too pricey?
NEWSJACKIPEDIA:
1. 'Frozen Over' - final Disney sequel, following 'Frozen 2' and the third film 'Bloody Frozen'.
2. Tonypandy - Andy Pandy's brother.

FlyBMI - a very small body mass index.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a good week for Prince Philip as the announcement of his death by Hampshire County Council was confirmed to be wrong.
It's been a bad week for Fergie - the announcement of Prince Philip's death was confirmed to be wrong.
2. It's been a good week for fancy dress in Germany - 1000s attempted a Guinness World Record, as smurfs with blue faces.
It's been a bad week for paramedics - after numerous calls out to suspected choking cases.

Did not send the FlyBMI one as Mr BTF said FlyBMI was not pronounced like that so joke would not work.

These are ones for the previous week which I did not think were great tbh. Thought Amber Rudd one weak.
1. Peppy, the polar bear on the glacier mint, has joined the Russian Island bear invasion. When asked for comment Peppy said it made a change to have a nice chewy centre.
2. This week, Amber Rudd admitted people have been driven to foodbanks by the Conservative social security benefit, Universal Credit. To show her caring nature she then offered her own car for a lift.
NEWSJACKPEDIA:
1. Grammys - similar to Grandpas.
2. Gilets jaunes protest - what friends say when I've worn my thermal vest five days on the trot.

Good luck for next week.
x

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Kenny Bania

  • Sunday 24th February 2019, 4:48pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 235 posts
Quote: BTF @ 24th February 2019, 2:10 PM

My rejects and attempts at humour:
BREAKING NEWS:
1. A hygiene expert's found that, if you store your toothbrush in the bathroom, particles of faeces land on it, giving new meaning to the phrase...... 'Drinkypoos'!
2. An Oldham teenager in a coma has woken to a surprise baby - the first three months of sleepless nights got me like that too, love.
3. As a photo's gone viral of a rat found, passed out on a New York sidewalk, next to a bottle of cognac, we ask - is humane rat poisoning getting too pricey?
NEWSJACKIPEDIA:
1. 'Frozen Over' - final Disney sequel, following 'Frozen 2' and the third film 'Bloody Frozen'.
2. Tonypandy - Andy Pandy's brother.

FlyBMI - a very small body mass index.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a good week for Prince Philip as the announcement of his death by Hampshire County Council was confirmed to be wrong.
It's been a bad week for Fergie - the announcement of Prince Philip's death was confirmed to be wrong.
2. It's been a good week for fancy dress in Germany - 1000s attempted a Guinness World Record, as smurfs with blue faces.
It's been a bad week for paramedics - after numerous calls out to suspected choking cases.

Did not send the FlyBMI one as Mr BTF said FlyBMI was not pronounced like that so joke would not work.

These are ones for the previous week which I did not think were great tbh. Thought Amber Rudd one weak.
1. Peppy, the polar bear on the glacier mint, has joined the Russian Island bear invasion. When asked for comment Peppy said it made a change to have a nice chewy centre.
2. This week, Amber Rudd admitted people have been driven to foodbanks by the Conservative social security benefit, Universal Credit. To show her caring nature she then offered her own car for a lift.
NEWSJACKPEDIA:
1. Grammys - similar to Grandpas.
2. Gilets jaunes protest - what friends say when I've worn my thermal vest five days on the trot.

Good luck for next week.
x

My favourite from last week is the Tonypandy one

From previous week quite liked the Amber Rudd one - although might have gone with a different ending such as ' ....and she's apologised for charging them for petrol '

And thanks for feedback on mine . Point taken re Mariachi band - after I'd sent them in my partner asked me what it was
Don't know what the situation is re brand names ( although if anyone from Cillit Bang product development is reading this, I'm convinced 'graveyard graffiti remover' is a product of great potential 0

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B T F

  • Sunday 24th February 2019, 4:58pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 156 posts
Quote: Kenny Bania @ 24th February 2019, 4:48 PM

My favourite from last week is the Tonypandy one

From previous week quite liked the Amber Rudd one - although might have gone with a different ending such as ' ....and she's apologised for charging them for petrol '

And thanks for feedback on mine . Point taken re Mariachi band - after I'd sent them in my partner asked me what it was
Don't know what the situation is re brand names ( although if anyone from Cillit Bang product development is reading this, I'm convinced 'graveyard graffiti remover' is a product of great potential 0

Yes charging for petrol a much better take on it. I really cannot judge my own jokes. Thanks for feedback.

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Danno

  • Sunday 24th February 2019, 9:10pm [Edited]
  • Azerbaijan
  • 307 posts

Thanks @BTF... really enjoyed reading your submissions. Thought 'drinky-poos' was fab, and Flybmi earned itself a proper belly giggle. Great work, keep it up and fingers crossed for you.....PS I've just reeled in my first oneliner after staring blankly at my jotter for an hour!! Why do we do it to ourselves?????? ;) ....i thought my judge suspended sentence joke was my strongest but I often worry that my punchlines can be a bit too puzzling (I tend to see oneliners as a bit of a puzzle to be solved e.g. every headline has a brilliant gag waiting to be found and that's already written in its perfect form....*deep*). I did a little blog after the end of the last series, mainly as a kind of Newsjack catharsis...

https://grumpyaphid.wordpress.com/2018/10/31/confessions-of-a-newsjack-reject/

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B T F

  • Sunday 24th February 2019, 10:29pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 156 posts
Quote: Danno @ 24th February 2019, 9:10 PM

Thanks @BTF... really enjoyed reading your submissions. Thought 'drinky-poos' was fab, and Flybmi earned itself a proper belly giggle. Great work, keep it up and fingers crossed for you.....PS I've just reeled in my first oneliner after staring blankly at my jotter for an hour!! Why do we do it to ourselves?????? ;) ....i thought my judge suspended sentence joke was my strongest but I often worry that my punchlines can be a bit too puzzling (I tend to see oneliners as a bit of a puzzle to be solved e.g. every headline has a brilliant gag waiting to be found and that's already written in its perfect form....*deep*). I did a little blog after the end of the last series, mainly as a kind of Newsjack catharsis...

https://grumpyaphid.wordpress.com/2018/10/31/confessions-of-a-newsjack-reject/

Came across your blog and read it a week ago. Really liked it. Yes - why do we do it!

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Wishus

  • Monday 25th February 2019, 9:25am
  • Northampton, England
  • 133 posts

There were some great ones there! Sillysausage and Auditchris, loved yours!

Here were mine:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. The British Retail consortium has argued against extending the proposed plastic bottle deposit recycling scheme, but the government is asking them to reconsider as Chris Grayling has now been informed the big ones can't just be used as ferries.
2. Critics attending London Fashion Week have said some of the catwalk models in the shows resemble characters from Sesame Street. Designers have hit back, saying they are still very unlikely to employ big birds as models.
3. MP Angela Smith has apologised after describing BAME people as having a "funny tinge", but made a point of doing so while her own face was strobing through various shades of red and purple.
NEWSJACKIPEDIA:
1. Centrist Party - Going crazy in Boots with all the tester perfumes.
2. Fly BMI - any BMI under 25. (A few landed near with this one, but only one could make the show,hey!)
3. Secret Seven - Enid Blyton's gang of detective kids, who discovered a lot of problems in the Labour Party, but didn't tell anyone.
GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for Honda, who have announced the closure of their Swindon plant in 2022, but a good week for their slogan "The Power of Dreams", as that's what their 3500 workers will be attempting to live on.
2. It's been a good week for Boris Johnson, who got to meet the adorable Saba, a cheetah in Howletts Wild Animal Park. It's been a bad week for Saba, who got to meet Boris Johnson, a cheater in questionable shorts.
3. It's been a good week for households as Michael Gove has announced that there could be weekly collections of food waste. It's been a bad week for Theresa May, who was hoping to nab that mouldy jam off you for herself.

On with the next week - good luck folks!

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Danno

  • Monday 25th February 2019, 12:08pm
  • Azerbaijan
  • 307 posts

Chuckles from me. Def got the Newsjack tone with the oneliners, Wishus. Fingers crossed for you.

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B T F

  • Monday 25th February 2019, 12:38pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 156 posts
Quote: Wishus @ 25th February 2019, 9:25 AM

There were some great ones there! Sillysausage and Auditchris, loved yours!

Here were mine:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. The British Retail consortium has argued against extending the proposed plastic bottle deposit recycling scheme, but the government is asking them to reconsider as Chris Grayling has now been informed the big ones can't just be used as ferries.
2. Critics attending London Fashion Week have said some of the catwalk models in the shows resemble characters from Sesame Street. Designers have hit back, saying they are still very unlikely to employ big birds as models.
3. MP Angela Smith has apologised after describing BAME people as having a "funny tinge", but made a point of doing so while her own face was strobing through various shades of red and purple.
NEWSJACKIPEDIA:
1. Centrist Party - Going crazy in Boots with all the tester perfumes.
2. Fly BMI - any BMI under 25. (A few landed near with this one, but only one could make the show,hey!)
3. Secret Seven - Enid Blyton's gang of detective kids, who discovered a lot of problems in the Labour Party, but didn't tell anyone.
GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for Honda, who have announced the closure of their Swindon plant in 2022, but a good week for their slogan "The Power of Dreams", as that's what their 3500 workers will be attempting to live on.
2. It's been a good week for Boris Johnson, who got to meet the adorable Saba, a cheetah in Howletts Wild Animal Park. It's been a bad week for Saba, who got to meet Boris Johnson, a cheater in questionable shorts.
3. It's been a good week for households as Michael Gove has announced that there could be weekly collections of food waste. It's been a bad week for Theresa May, who was hoping to nab that mouldy jam off you for herself.

On with the next week - good luck folks!

Centrist party - very good.
Yes one liners got a definite Newsjack feel.

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KevDP4L

  • Wednesday 27th February 2019, 11:35pm
  • Belfast, Northern Ireland
  • 71 posts

Only just spotted this thread - Think I'm a bit late to the party given we've already reached the halfway point in the series! Reading through some of the fantastic gags posted so far it's making me feel a lot less bad that I've not had any successes this series given the quality of the competition I appear to be up against!

Anyway, so that they don't go to waste just sitting on my laptop for all eternity, here are some of the one-liners I've submitted in Weeks 1 & 3 (I forgot to submit Week 2!) just in case anyone might get a chuckle from them.

Breaking News:

Week 1
- In a tearful speech at his birthday, Brazilian footballer Neymar has said he wished he had got a new metatarsal so that he could get back to playing football. Still, I hope he likes the toaster I got him.
- Sunrise Records have saved HMV from going out of business. Music fans were thrilled to hear that they'll still be able to browse the latest albums in store, before buying them cheaper on Amazon that evening.
- Thousands of English people have been left conflicted following the country's Six Nations victory over Ireland in case their celebrations result in their Irish passport applications being rejected.

Week 3
- Former Islamic State member Shamima Begum has been told she will be allowed to return to the UK. The government have promised to book her on the next available flight home with FlyBMI.
- Diane Abott has expressed her disappointment at the resignation of 70 Labour MPs this week (made the script)
- Italian football club Pro Piacenza were beaten 20-0 on Sunday after the resignation of most of their first team forced them to play with just 7 players. Still, that's 7 more than turned up for Chelsea this week.

Newsjackipedia:

Week 1
- Six Nations - The answer to the question "How many countries will the UK have trade deals with after Brexit?"
- Super Bowl Sunday - The one day a year when people throughout the UK suddenly become American Football experts despite not knowing half the rules.

For Week 4 I've managed to submit a full house of all 9 one-liners for the first time this series, so I expect I'll get to post 9 rejects in here tomorrow evening :P

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Danno

  • Thursday 28th February 2019, 12:18pm
  • Azerbaijan
  • 307 posts

@Kev...great stuff. Really liked the HMV and Six Nations gags. Well done for making the script.