British Comedy Guide

Newsjack rejects series 20 Page 5

Newsjack. Copyright: BBC.


Topical satirical sketch show on Radio 4 Extra. The programme has an 'open door' policy allowing anyone to submit material



  • Friday 1st March 2019, 11:07pm
  • Dorset, United Kingdom
  • 76 posts

Some more rejects to add to the pile!


1. Bradley Cooper got so close to Lady Gaga at the Oscars that some viewers feared he might Poker Face.

2. Nokia have unveiled a new smartphone with 5 cameras on the front. For a fraction of the cost you can sellotape 5 instamatics to your current phone, and you'll be sending out the same message.

3. A humpback whale has been found in the Amazon jungle, experts are baffled how whales could end up in such a position.
A sentiment echoed by English Rugby fans.


1. It's been a bad week for the Euro, as Sterling is on the rise again.
It's been a good week for the beaming prime minister, who said "I'm really feeling the benefits of a good strong pound."

2. It's been a bad week for Burberry, who made the noose for all the wrong reasons.
It's been a good week for clothes shoppers, because you can never have too many hangers.

3. It's been a good week for sex education campaigners, as teaching Menstrual Health in schools becomes compulsory.
It's been a bad week for schoolgirls, who are dreading first period.

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Will Cam

  • Friday 1st March 2019, 11:09pm
  • England
  • 7,988 posts

Love the last good week/Bad week.


Kenny Bania

  • Saturday 2nd March 2019, 12:33pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 235 posts

A combination of family trivia and lack of inspiration meant I was nowhere near the full compliment for episode four - hope to make amends this weekend
The pick of a bad bunch....

The Chelsea goalkeeper who refused to leave the pitch after being substituted, has been appointed vice-president of Venezuela by Nicholas Maduro

Baby Shower : What Jennifer Grey's character takes in Dirty Dancing

It was a good week for Kate Winslet after her husband Ned finally decided to change his surname back from Rock N Roll to Smith. This turned into a bad week for her, however, after he decided to change his first name from Ned to Awopbopaloobopalopbamboom

( In retrospect, not quite sure why I went with this )



  • Saturday 2nd March 2019, 9:05pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 156 posts

I liked the Abbott one a lot. Also second six nations and Begum. Maybe keep up with the sport gags. They do not get many so increases your chances I feel.

Kenny Bania..a sport BN - good idea.

Hi TrashBat
Nice one. I did a period one too.
Liked poker face.
Second good week clever but noose may be more of a visual pun to read possibly..
Number 1 good week funny....unexpected.



  • Saturday 2nd March 2019, 9:10pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 156 posts

Yacob Wingnut
Liked them including the first. Apologies. I did not quite get the vax one when I read it..Probably me being slow.



  • Saturday 2nd March 2019, 9:33pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 156 posts

They don't get much material on sport.
To show different humour preferences I liked the python one (great), tusk one, NHS one though maybe could have said it's been a worse week for manufacturers...maybe...what do I know...
Liked article 50 and whale.
I like the humour of the tourist one but tightening it up would improve it and maybe say the tiny village or something. I liked the NASA one and Mogg one and Piers one. Like your editor comments! Maybe BNs a little wordy.

Quote: Steev @ 1st March 2019, 9:13 AM

Nike Adapt BB sneakers have stopped working after an app broke.

They company said, "It's fine after you re-boot"

Good. Just an idea but I was thinking maybe something different to 'the company said' to give more rhythm maybe. Maybe like 'when asked for advice the company said "it's fine after you reboot". Or maybe not.

I liked second, third and last Wishus. Steve Irwin on right side of dark for Newsjack.



  • Saturday 2nd March 2019, 10:16pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 156 posts

[quote name="Danno" post="1199406" date="1st March 2019, 11:58 AM"]@Jen Knee...don't sweat it, it's really tough cramming news into a oneliner and NJ often ignore their own guidelines and read out some lengthy gags - presumably because they're funny enough.

Thought mine were a bit rubbish this week, although the fastfood gag felt as close as I've come to sounding more 'Newsjack'? I really wanted to get a Wombles gag out of it because of the 'underground overground' set up. Alas.

Apologies in advance...
(No need Danno)

A UKIP Councillor is being mocked for spelling Britain incorrectly in his campaign pamphlet.
The councillor in question preferred to remain nameless...presumably because he couldn't
spell that either.
(I personally think this is newsjacky. Maybe you could leave out 'in question' and 'presumably'..)

A grandad, from New York, went viral after accidentally slurping down a tub of paint he
thought was yoghurt. He described the mishap as an emulsional ordeal.
(Like it).

London Transport Network is placing a ban on junk food advertising on underground and
overground services. One commuter said: 'It was a finger licking good idea', while another
said: 'I'm loving it.'
(Apologies. Was not sure but is it to do with fast food slogans. Maybe could be tied in more to the company the slogan relates to for slow people like me. Liked wombles idea.)

Ear worm: What you say to a worm to get its attention
(Like it)

Marxist: Someone who refuses to shop at Marks & Spencer.
Red Carpet Treatment: What happens when you turn your back for a second on a toddler
holding a bottle of squeezy ketchup.
(Really like it but maybe could be shorter. Maybe remove 'what happens' and even 'for a second')



  • Sunday 3rd March 2019, 12:05am
  • United Kingdom
  • 519 posts

Some very good ones on this forum. As I commented on some of these I thought I better put some of my **** up so here are my good week ones exposed to the light and they are a bit weak. I tried a different style slightly.

• It's been a good week for the Royal Mint - the rare edition Gruffalo 50 pences issued to celebrate the fictional monster, were so popular the website crashed.
It's been a bad week for the queen, outsold by a creature with orange eyes, purple spikes and a green wart. (I think this was very weak)
• It's been a good week for Greenpeace - they made a large plastic bottle out of 2500 smaller bottles in a protest against plastic use.
It's been a bad week for the volunteers who built it- they got pissed on the deposit scheme money from returning all those bottles and are badly hungover.
• It's been a bad week for Paul Hollywood - he's angry with his girlfriend's mother for defending his girlfriend's row in a carpark with his ex-wife, as he felt it made him look bad.
It's been a bad week for Paul Hollywood's girlfriend's mother - she's developed a strange hollow laugh. (this should have been bad week worse week. It was a bit wordy too)



  • Sunday 3rd March 2019, 9:13am [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 156 posts
Quote: Exe Chris @ 1st March 2019, 7:30 PM

Some top gags above, must be virtually impossible to pick the "best" each week.
Here are my efforts this time, a couple were really just fillers:

1. Warmest February day on record as Planet Earth makes vain attempt to get Britain to talk about anything except Brexit.
2. Parrot star of film Pippi Longstocking dies aged 51 in Germany. His agent is now trying to contact the Monty Python team to extend his career. (THIS ONE MADE THE SCRIPT)
3. First positive news for Sterling for many months this weekend as he scores the winning penalty in the Cup Final.


1. Period Drama - new lesson about menstrual health being introduced to the school curriculum.
2. Sterling - value has risen after scoring the winning penalty in a cup final.
3. Goalkeeper - footballer who 'keeps' in the 'goal' no matter what he is told by his manager.

Good Week / Bad Week

1. Good Week - for the world's largest Bee which has been re-discovered after years of being feared extinct.
Bad Week - for the world's largest Sea after more plastic ends up in it.
2. Bad Week - for Karren Brady who stepped down from her post with Taveta.
Good Week - for Karren Brady who stepped down from her post working with Sir Philip Green.
3. Bad Week - for R Kelly who has been charged with criminal sexual abuse.
Good Week - for our Jerry who has barely lost any MPs.

Parrot great.

Quote: sillysausage @ 1st March 2019, 12:54 PM

Wishus - my favourite was the Australian toxic waste one.
Danno - I really liked the UKIP one!

Here are my efforts for this week:


Amazon pledges 1,000 UK apprenticeships by 2021 - or by 2020 with Amazon Prime. (THEY USED THIS ONE)

After the presenter-less Oscars prove a hit with viewers, British voters suggest the country might work better without a prime minister.

A US firm is reportedly interested in buying troubled retailer Laura Ashley. The current owners said they didn't want to sell up but it might be curtains, albeit beautifully designed curtains.


THE FAVOURITE: Oscar-winning movie and Luciana Berger's nickname in the Independent Group.

JORDAN: Alter-ego desperately trying to distance itself from serial drink-driver Katie Price.

FUNNY TINGE: Colour of Chelsea boss Maurizio Sarri's face after his goalkeeper refused to be substituted during the League Cup final.

Bad week for Gemma Collins as she splits from boyfriend James Argent. Good week for James Argent for obvious reasons.

Bad week for Labour as their poll ratings slump. Good week for anyone who enjoys seeing Owen Jones going into meltdown mode on Twitter.

Bad week for Ozzy Osbourne as he's forced to cancel more tour dates through illness. Good news for bats as he's too frail to bite their heads off.

Good set. Amazon one and Ozzy for me very funny. Only slight tweak suggestion and as I say what do I know - Laura Ashley: could say the shop rather than current owner maybe but as I write this I am suddenly not sure. Could even get away with repeating Laura Ashley. I would say 'albeit beautifully designed ones'.



  • Sunday 3rd March 2019, 1:39pm [Edited]
  • Azerbaijan
  • 307 posts

quick feedback...
@ExeChris...Props for the Parrot, lovely gag that! Liked the 'our Jerry' rhyme too.
@TrashBat...yeah, the menstrual health gag was great. I'll bet it was one of the week's big topics so loads of competition....think NJ went with the 'Mr Jenkins RE' punchline (the old 'little story within a joke' set up).
@Kenny, Like your original take on the Chelsea goalkeeper, again, bet that was a popular submission.
@BTF, Love the gruffalo theme, like what you did but can't help thinking there was an absolute killer gag somewhere in there waiting to be had. Was the 'hollow laugh' to do with BakeOff?
@BTF Thanks for the feedback, great points! The idea behind the fast food advertising gag was that commuters had been brainwashed by the slogans (Lovin' It - Maccy-Ds and finger licking - KFC).

...sorry if i missed anyone.

Have noticed on NJ that funny news stories tend to get the laughs even before the punchline, which makes them kinda irresistible? Those dry, snarky punchlines are always pretty constant too. Well done everyone, good luck for week 5....the quiet week that always gets tweeted about!!...much to my dismay 'do us a favour and keep it down FFS' Sleepy



  • Sunday 3rd March 2019, 2:03pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 156 posts

Hi Danno the hollow laugh was cos Paul made himself look stupid and did not need any help which shows me I need to read these things out to someone as it is easy to get lost in ones own perception of the joke.



  • Sunday 3rd March 2019, 4:02pm
  • Azerbaijan
  • 307 posts

Gotcha. I got a bit confused by all the different relationships. I reckon there's def a good BakeOff gag in there somewhere too.



  • Monday 4th March 2019, 6:59am
  • United Kingdom
  • 156 posts
Quote: Danno @ 3rd March 2019, 4:02 PM

Gotcha. I got a bit confused by all the different relationships. I reckon there's def a good BakeOff gag in there somewhere too.

Yes, those relationships were confusing :D:D

Rats, better go and try and churn out a sketch instead of ****ing about on 'ere!



  • Monday 4th March 2019, 10:12am
  • Northampton, England
  • 133 posts

Agree Danno, that man drinking paint story was funny even before the punchline!
And Exe Chris, heard the parrot one, made me laugh! Brilliant!



  • Monday 4th March 2019, 12:25pm
  • Azerbaijan
  • 307 posts

Same with the taxidermy gag in week 3. I suppose funny news just writes itself.