British Comedy Guide

Newsjack rejects series 20 Page 9

Newsjack. Copyright: BBC.

Newsjack

Topical satirical sketch show on Radio 4 Extra. The programme has an 'open door' policy allowing anyone to submit material

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B T F

  • Friday 15th March 2019, 8:01am [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 156 posts
Quote: Jee Knee @ 15th March 2019, 1:03 AM

For anyone who noticed one especially shitty entry in Newsjackipedia this week, well...it was mine. And I'm sorry. I wish it didn't have to be like this. And, if nothing else, it represents some of the most surprisingly hardcore editing since they went back and digitally removed all the f-bombs from Vera Lynn's back catalogue. The original was naff. A hastily written, lazy (if whimsical) space-filler. The broadcast version was...I mean, it's not even really a joke any more. Is it churlish to complain? Probably. But I am genuinely curious as to what more experienced folks make of this.

The original: 'Corbyning' - To do nothing at all whilst looking like you're doing even less than that.
The broadcast version: 'Corbyning' - To do absolutely nothing.

I feel slightly vindicated in having mixed emotions about this by the fact that it bombed harder than the aforementioned Forces' Sweetheart.

Anyway, here are the rest of this week's efforts. I quite liked my other two Newsjackipedias...

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Hundreds of nursery school headteachers have marched to Downing Street to protest funding cuts. They were meant to arrive on Monday but were delayed until Wednesday because of nap time.
2. NASA has announced that it will establish a 'permanent human presence' on the Moon by 2028. Over 15 million people have signed a petition asking for that human presence to be Ed Sheeran.
3. Prince Edward has become the Earl of Forfar. Already the Earl of Wessex and an O.B.E., he will now be known as Earl Earlobe. [EDITOR: This is a Stupid joke with a capital S.] [CONTRIBUTOR: I know it's with a capital S. I just read it.] [EDITOR: No, that's not fair. That was something I said out loud, not something to be read by you.] [CONTRIBUTOR: Well, tough s***, pal. It's not my fault if you don't understand the format of this imaginary conversation. It's right there, three lines above this one. 'Stupid' - I can see it.]

NEWSJACKPEDIA:
1. 'Idris Elbow' - The one part of your body that's sexy enough to be in a Bond film.
2. 'Dystopiary' - A sinister post-apocalyptic society with tremendous landscape gardening.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for Doctor Who fans in Chippenham, who fell eight short of the world record for the most Daleks in the same place. It's been a good week for the eight missing Daleks, who announced that they had formed a new Independent Dalek Group and then went for tea at Nando's.
2. It's been a bad week for Thameslink Railway, which has spent 240 million pounds on trains that can't be used because the drivers can't see the signals or the track. It's been a good week for Southern Rail, which at last has something to aspire to.
3. It's been a good week for Kim Jong-un, whose party was re-elected unopposed to the North Korean parliament. It's been a very, very bad week for the one man at the Pyongyang branch of Ladbrokes who bet against this result 'for a laugh'.

I really like the daleks one - made me laugh. Also like the nursery one and dystopiary one. The fragmentation of personality comments are always funny. I agree with you and with Rood Eye. Your original was funnier..in tightening up the length they chopped too much and it was less funny. I think Rood Eye's abbreviated version is a compromise - shorter and tighter but retained the spirit of your original joke.

Quote: Rood Eye @ 14th March 2019, 10:39 PM

Hello B T F,

The last line of the first sketch is hardly a "killer" punchline, I admit - but I thought (perhaps wrongly!) that it worked well enough.

I'm always open to advice.

Thinking about it, it is as good as or better than some I have heard on the show. I suppose I was thinking you could add in something else too like a play on something like a chair not being a man (I know that is probably not funny as a suggestion from me but it ties in with the sketch). On the other hand - yes as an end to the sketch it could work as it is with no change, maybe.

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B T F

  • Friday 15th March 2019, 9:01am
  • United Kingdom
  • 156 posts
Quote: TommyB @ 14th March 2019, 10:55 PM

Only two I actually liked from me this week, 1 BN and one GW/BW

- A woman was injured in Arizona this week after climbing over a zoo barrier to take a selfie with a jaguar; zoo officials warn that '64 Zoo Lane is a kids' show, not a role model'.

- It's been a bad week for Tim Cook, who was mistakenly called Tim Apple by Donald Trump at a conference.
It's been a worse week for Jeff Amazon, Bill Microsoft and Mark Facebook, who didn't get invited to the after-party.

I also did a sketch about dinosaurs, where I did a Jurassic Park riff, but the dinosaurs were politicians but it was a bit naff.

Really liked second joke.

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Danno

  • Friday 15th March 2019, 11:00am [Edited]
  • Azerbaijan
  • 307 posts

@Jee Knee...congrats on the credit and don't sweat it, sometimes NJ is just a duck race. I have to agree that by thinning down the original they managed to lose some of its sparkle.

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Jee Knee

  • Friday 15th March 2019, 11:38am
  • United Kingdom
  • 17 posts

Rood Eye: Thanks! Glad to hear I'm not going completely mad. Also loved your Blackpool one

Auditchris: Bowie and the mint imperials are crackers (congrats!) The Catholic orgy one is brilliant (which is not a phrase that I have typed before). Oh, and R Kelly. Either way, I have defrauded you to the sum of £22.75 (see above). Send me an invoice.

Wishus: Cheers! V kind of you,

Danno: Big thumbs up for Game of Thrones and O'Sullivan. And your Grayling one is much snappier than mine and I'm all in favour of recycling. Also, thanks for the good wishes. I had always assumed that I would just keep stomping around, screaming 'THE SYSTEM IS BIASED AGAINST ME. I AM OBVIOUSLY BRILLIANT. I NEVER WANTED TO BE ON ANYWAY.' unless I actually got one on, in which case I would immediately sit back with a smug grin on my face and declare 'Well, you just need to try harder.' But, yet again, it turns out that the world is even more confusing than I had anticipated.

B T F: Ta very much :)

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Auditchris

  • Friday 15th March 2019, 11:53am
  • Tunbridge Wells, United Kingdom
  • 134 posts

@Jee Knee: Thanks for the kind words. Congrats on the credit - enjoy it, dine out on it, it's yours. Out of all the hundreds of gags they received they decided yours was worth rewriting. No mean feat.

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Steev

  • Friday 15th March 2019, 12:28pm
  • England
  • 48 posts

The royal mint is trying to make some easy money by selling things you normally wouldn't sell.
They're hawking a new 50p.

Referendum : the only time a government attempt to enact their pledges. And fail.

It's been a good week for a man who had sex with a woman he just met, on a National Express coach.
It's been a bad week for the woman, who didn't notice the word "express"

It's been a good week for 15 year olds in Cornwall, as they are being given free condoms to promote good sexual health.
It's been a bad week for parents in Cornwall, who could have done with them 15 years ago.

It's been a bad week for Sussex headteacher, Michael Ferry, who's experienced funding cuts saying 'Schools perform miracles
with nothing, and the nothing is getting less'
It's been a worse week for Sussex headteacher, Michael Ferry, who's realised that saying "less than nothing" is why he's being treated negatively.

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Danno

  • Friday 15th March 2019, 1:24pm [Edited]
  • Azerbaijan
  • 307 posts

@Audit Chris...this really tickled me:

'R. Kelly: A northern girl called Kelly'

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B T F

  • Friday 15th March 2019, 1:40pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 156 posts

Steev my favourites of yours are first two good week bad week jokes.

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Auditchris

  • Friday 15th March 2019, 1:49pm [Edited]
  • Tunbridge Wells, United Kingdom
  • 134 posts

Cheers Danno. Your GoT one made me laugh!

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Danno

  • Friday 15th March 2019, 6:02pm
  • Azerbaijan
  • 307 posts

Great idea! will check it out.

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B T F

  • Friday 15th March 2019, 7:13pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 156 posts

I will take a look. Thanks.

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Exe Chris

  • Friday 15th March 2019, 9:04pm
  • Exeter, England
  • 78 posts

I was quietly hopeful about the first one here as it seemed very 'Newsjacky' but alas it was not to be:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. A Freedom of Information request released this week showed 9635 sheep were stolen in 2018. It would have been released in January but the compiler kept falling asleep.
2. Head Teacher complains of cleaning the toilets herself as a result of school budget cuts. Department of Education say it's just a bog standard excuse.
3. Old rediscovered version of the David Bowie song Starman up for sale. Fans are hoping the launch will be successful and there will be a re-entry in to the charts.

NEWSJACKPEDIA:
1. Selfie-harm : getting injured whilst taking a dangerous picture of yourself, especially involving a jaguar.
2. Neverland : Place where children got up to all sorts of dangerous adventures under the guidance of a mysterious older figure. Also the home of Peter Pan.

Good Week / Bad Week:
1. Bad week for Diane Abbot - the Shadow Home Secretary upset at being called a "coloured" woman.
Worse week for Diane Abbot - on this very show she has just been called a "shadow" home secretary.
2. Bad week for school music teachers as a study shows a 21% decrease in music provision.
Good week for violin players as they get to play the sympathetic music.
3. Good week for a dairy firm as it pledges to cut emissions on it's farms.
Bad week for the cows on these farms as they are forced to wear corks.

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B T F

  • Saturday 16th March 2019, 12:07pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 156 posts
Quote: Exe Chris @ 15th March 2019, 9:04 PM

I was quietly hopeful about the first one here as it seemed very 'Newsjacky' but alas it was not to be:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. A Freedom of Information request released this week showed 9635 sheep were stolen in 2018. It would have been released in January but the compiler kept falling asleep.
2. Head Teacher complains of cleaning the toilets herself as a result of school budget cuts. Department of Education say it's just a bog standard excuse.
3. Old rediscovered version of the David Bowie song Starman up for sale. Fans are hoping the launch will be successful and there will be a re-entry in to the charts.

NEWSJACKPEDIA:
1. Selfie-harm : getting injured whilst taking a dangerous picture of yourself, especially involving a jaguar.
2. Neverland : Place where children got up to all sorts of dangerous adventures under the guidance of a mysterious older figure. Also the home of Peter Pan.

Good Week / Bad Week:
1. Bad week for Diane Abbot - the Shadow Home Secretary upset at being called a "coloured" woman.
Worse week for Diane Abbot - on this very show she has just been called a "shadow" home secretary.
2. Bad week for school music teachers as a study shows a 21% decrease in music provision.
Good week for violin players as they get to play the sympathetic music.
3. Good week for a dairy firm as it pledges to cut emissions on it's farms.
Bad week for the cows on these farms as they are forced to wear corks.

Hi I liked the first two BNs. Neverland one interesting but maybe could be honed a bit. That story will run so you could tighten it up and redo it as a non NJP maybe and submit it elsewhere.

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Danno

  • Sunday 17th March 2019, 9:17am [Edited]
  • Azerbaijan
  • 307 posts

As per, some lovely stuff all round and thanks everyone for sharing your funnies (particularly @BTF for being so thoughtful with your comments and generous with your time).

Congrats to all those who got credits

Hope to see you all next series

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