British Comedy Guide

Newsjack rejects series 20 Page 7

Newsjack. Copyright: BBC.

Newsjack

Topical satirical sketch show on Radio 4 Extra. The programme has an 'open door' policy allowing anyone to submit material

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B T F

  • Friday 8th March 2019, 11:54am
  • United Kingdom
  • 156 posts
Quote: Wishus @ 8th March 2019, 11:46 AM

@BTF - loved 5G, and @Danno - the Simon Pegg one! @Sillysausage and @AuditChris - I bow to you!

Here are mine:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. The NHS will be offering women free sanitary products in hospitals from this summer, in the hope that they'll free up beds by roller-skating out of the ward.
2. Scientists have claimed UK shipping waters are so noisy that whales are forced to shout to each other, but it turns out they are all trying to communicate while listening to their podcast.
3. Katy Perry and Orlando Bloom have announced they're getting married at Disney World. Orlando could dress as his character Will Turner on the Pirates of the Caribbean Ride, but Katy will need her own theme, as she's never hit the high seas.

NEWSJACKIPEDIA:
1. Stronger Towns Fund -- money to buy people living in deprived areas extra cans of spinach.
2. Space-CEX -- high street store where you can buy and sell Elon Musk's old rockets.
3. Smear-test -- exam for journalists who want to write for the Daily Mail.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a good week for the Royal Family, who have announced that they have taken steps to banish trolls from their social media. It's been a bad week for Princess Beatrice who has suddenly found herself dropped from their WhatsApp group.
2. It's been a bad week for Jeremy Corbyn, who was pelted with eggs during a visit to a mosque. It's been a good week for Jeremy Corbyn, who had one less ingredient he needed to buy for pancake day.
3. It's been a good week for Theresa May, who won a bet by using the word "simples" in the Commons. It's been a bad week for The Ritz, where Theresa will be taking tea as her prize, as they didn't want to be associated with any more crackers.

Smear test is good.
The one I found very funny was the troll one. It may not be the kind of joke they put on but it was funny/unexpected.

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B T F

  • Friday 8th March 2019, 12:27pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 156 posts
Quote: Auditchris @ 8th March 2019, 10:03 AM

@BTF: Love Gagging Clause! File that away for a Christmas joke competition or something.

In fact there might be a Xmas sketch there somewhere with the 'Clause family'. Gagging who's always being sick, Dependent who can't do anything for themselves, Subordinate who just gets bossed around and Santa who's just exasperated by all the others.

I digress, here are this week's gags:

A new study suggests that Fantastic Mr Fox is easier to read than Mr Greedy. That's because Mr Fox is always licking his lips while Mr Greedy has a poker face.

A quarter of people believe that humans have psychic powers, according to a survey to be conducted next week. [Used in show]

The world's number one Bridge player has been suspended following a drugs test. He insisted he hadn't been dealing.

It's been a bad week for the grandmother who was swept out to sea after posing for a photo on an iceberg.
It's been a good week for sailors who now have somewhere to go for homemade cake and knitted jumpers that don't quite fit.

It's been a bad week for the homeless man who was threatened with a £20,000 fine for sleeping outside parliament.
It's been a good week for the MP who was offered a 3% pay rise for sleeping inside parliament.

It's been a bad week for Jeremy Corbyn after he got hit by a raw egg.
It's been a good week for the Labour Party who avoided any more poached MPs.

Chlorinated chicken: When two people swim towards each other in the same lane until the very last second.

Britbox: How UK residents will fight for resources after Brexit.

Momo Challenge: When a mysterious WhatsApp user dares you to cut the grass.

Thanks for suggestions! I had the gagging clause idea wrapped up in another joke for the Gold cracker comp but it got nowhere so redid it as I am fond of it and Mr Green has reemerged in the news - not that he ever went away! Like your suggestions about a claus sketch.

All yours are good - you got the knack!
The one on the show was good and funny. Punchy. Easy to laugh at.
I think Rood Eye could be right about the chicken one. The person who looked at it may not have got the point of the joke.

I had a quick look at the iceberg and bridge one but moved on so interesting to see your take.

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TheTrashBat

  • Friday 8th March 2019, 2:18pm
  • Dorset, United Kingdom
  • 76 posts

@Wishus, that smear test gag is fantastic!
I'm a bit under the weather, so I'll just dump my rejects here then go read through all yours properly a bit later on.

BREAKING NEWS:

Reports are coming in that Virgin Atlantic have dropped their requirement for female staff to wear make-up.
This story is currently without foundation.

Virgin Atlantic have announced they are dropping their mandatory make-up requirement for female cabin crew.
Air hostesses were made up when they heard the news.

The government are rebranding 'smear tests' amid concerns the term may be putting women off getting checked.
Topping their list of alternative names are "vadge scrape" and "snatch and grab".

NEWSJACKIPEDIA:
Soso Challenge -- Like the Momo challenge, but not as good.
Elon Musk -- The new 'out of this world' fragrance for men.
Hard Border -- A really tough dog.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:

It's been a good week for hoaxers, whose Momo Challenge has caused widespread fear, panic and confusion.
It's been a bad week for the tories, that's their job.

It's been a bad week for Air Canada who had to kick a passenger off a flight after he threw a 'hissy fit' over not getting his fish meal.
It's been a good week for flying fish, who said "they pack us on these flights like sardines but knowing Air Canada have our back is good for the sole."

It's been a good week for Volvo who are being hailed as safety pioneers for limiting the top speed of all new cars to 112mph.
It's been a bad week for plumbers and electricians, who will now have to double their callout times.

My excuse this week is I was poorly and drugged up to the eyeballs, hence my 'jokes' being so ill-conceived.

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sillysausage

  • Friday 8th March 2019, 2:29pm
  • Derbyshire, England
  • 90 posts

TheTrashBat - loved the Elon Musk and Hard Border ones. Definitely good enough to have been used in the show,

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B T F

  • Friday 8th March 2019, 3:23pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 156 posts
Quote: TheTrashBat @ 8th March 2019, 2:18 PM

@Wishus, that smear test gag is fantastic!
I'm a bit under the weather, so I'll just dump my rejects here then go read through all yours properly a bit later on.

BREAKING NEWS:

Reports are coming in that Virgin Atlantic have dropped their requirement for female staff to wear make-up.
This story is currently without foundation.

Virgin Atlantic have announced they are dropping their mandatory make-up requirement for female cabin crew.
Air hostesses were made up when they heard the news.

The government are rebranding 'smear tests' amid concerns the term may be putting women off getting checked.
Topping their list of alternative names are "vadge scrape" and "snatch and grab".

NEWSJACKIPEDIA:
Soso Challenge -- Like the Momo challenge, but not as good.
Elon Musk -- The new 'out of this world' fragrance for men.
Hard Border -- A really tough dog.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:

It's been a good week for hoaxers, whose Momo Challenge has caused widespread fear, panic and confusion.
It's been a bad week for the tories, that's their job.

It's been a bad week for Air Canada who had to kick a passenger off a flight after he threw a 'hissy fit' over not getting his fish meal.
It's been a good week for flying fish, who said "they pack us on these flights like sardines but knowing Air Canada have our back is good for the sole."

It's been a good week for Volvo who are being hailed as safety pioneers for limiting the top speed of all new cars to 112mph.
It's been a bad week for plumbers and electricians, who will now have to double their callout times.

My excuse this week is I was poorly and drugged up to the eyeballs, hence my 'jokes' being so ill-conceived.

Really like the first two BNs, the hoaxer/tory one and NJPs.

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Danno

  • Friday 8th March 2019, 3:47pm [Edited]
  • Azerbaijan
  • 307 posts

@AuditChris, well done on the psychic gag it's irresistible. Really liked the parliament snoozing and chlorinated chicken too.
@Wishus...that rollerskating gag is hilarious, love it - it's almost a sketch in its own right. Really strong submission imo that hopefully received some attention.
@TrashBat...like the Virgin stuff, I thought long and hard about that one too but as a potential sketch. Think Momo challenge was my fav, really liked your deadpan angle. I tried the Elon Musk fragrance last series (liked your 'out of this world' line a lot), also to no avail - unfortunately certain Newsjackpedia buzz words are always going to be popular fayre, something I've noticed from #newsjackrejects on twitter. Hope the lurgy is on the way out and well done for battling on regardless!!!

Some really worthy gags so far, sure a fair few made it through to the 'maybe' pile. The jokes that made it were both en pointe.

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Kenny Bania

  • Friday 8th March 2019, 10:04pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 235 posts

Firstly, kudos to BTF who has consistently marked the homework this series and deserves some cyber chocolates at the end of the run

Jee Knee - My favourite was the Momo joke

Danno - particularly enjoyed the Keith Flint horns at the gates of heaven one

BTF - liked the newsjackipedias

Silly Sausage - liked the Owen Jones child genius ( Newsjack missed a trick with this, as they could've read it out as the last item, and then told the listener to turn over to BBC1 where he could be seen on Question Time )

Auditchris - favourite was the Bridge joke

Wishus - thought best one was the royal family GWBW

Trashbat - Liked the Virgin atlantic pair

My own attempts included :

New Forest ponies who were seen eating rubbish in the street, are to be relocated to Birmingham in case there's another bin strike
Liverpool manager Jurgen Klopp has vowed never again to give his players sprout and broccoli soup before a big game, after blaming wind for his teams failure to defeat Everton
A Manhattan gallery is holding an exhibition of works of art by a two year old girl. Admission includes milk and cookies, and it will be open until just before bath-time

Bribery : a town in the North of England

It's been a bad week for a German family, after bailiffs sold their dog on Ebay to cover unpaid taxes. It was also a bad week for the postman who delivered the winning bidders parcel, but chose to ignore the beware of the dog label

( Also did a Corbyn egg one, but v poor compared to one chosen for the show )

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B T F

  • Saturday 9th March 2019, 12:46pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 156 posts
Quote: Kenny Bania @ 8th March 2019, 10:04 PM

Firstly, kudos to BTF who has consistently marked the homework this series and deserves some cyber chocolates at the end of the run

Jee Knee - My favourite was the Momo joke

Danno - particularly enjoyed the Keith Flint horns at the gates of heaven one

BTF - liked the newsjackipedias

Silly Sausage - liked the Owen Jones child genius ( Newsjack missed a trick with this, as they could've read it out as the last item, and then told the listener to turn over to BBC1 where he could be seen on Question Time )

Auditchris - favourite was the Bridge joke

Wishus - thought best one was the royal family GWBW

Trashbat - Liked the Virgin atlantic pair

My own attempts included :

New Forest ponies who were seen eating rubbish in the street, are to be relocated to Birmingham in case there's another bin strike
Liverpool manager Jurgen Klopp has vowed never again to give his players sprout and broccoli soup before a big game, after blaming wind for his teams failure to defeat Everton
A Manhattan gallery is holding an exhibition of works of art by a two year old girl. Admission includes milk and cookies, and it will be open until just before bath-time

Bribery : a town in the North of England

It's been a bad week for a German family, after bailiffs sold their dog on Ebay to cover unpaid taxes. It was also a bad week for the postman who delivered the winning bidders parcel, but chose to ignore the beware of the dog label

( Also did a Corbyn egg one, but v poor compared to one chosen for the show )

Thanks Kenny Bania!
These seem pretty much all to be ones I could imagine on the show. I see where you are going with bribery. I was wondering if you could signal it as a place more but not sure how. Like St Bribery or Briberygate or Bribery Upon Hove or but these suggestions are not the best.

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Rood Eye

  • Saturday 9th March 2019, 12:53pm
  • England
  • 3,850 posts
Quote: Kenny Bania @ 8th March 2019, 10:04 PM

Bribery : a town in the North of England.

I think this is the first time since primary school that I've seen or heard a joke that I don't get. :(

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Kenny Bania

  • Saturday 9th March 2019, 1:41pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 235 posts
Quote: Rood Eye @ 9th March 2019, 12:53 PM

I think this is the first time since primary school that I've seen or heard a joke that I don't get. :(

Probably a very good reason why it wasn't chosen....
( it was re PM's announcement of extra funding for towns in the north to get the votes of some northern labour mps )

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Rood Eye

  • Saturday 9th March 2019, 1:47pm
  • England
  • 3,850 posts
Quote: Kenny Bania @ 9th March 2019, 1:41 PM

Probably a very good reason why it wasn't chosen....
( it was re PM's announcement of extra funding for towns in the north to get the votes of some northern labour mps )

Cheers, Kenny.

I see what you were trying to do. :D

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Exe Chris

  • Sunday 10th March 2019, 2:20pm
  • Exeter, England
  • 78 posts

Better late than never. Maybe.
Anyway here are my offerings. Looking at the quality of some of the gags that didn't make it I'm not surprised that none of these made the show :

BREAKING NEWS:
1. BBC drama "Call the Midwife" has been given the go ahead for 2 more series; show insiders said they had been expecting it.
2. Foreign language skills have shown a disastrous decline in schools according to experts. To reverse the downturn emergency repeats of 'Allo Allo' could be required.
3. A man has been charged with assault by beating after throwing an egg at Jeremy Corbyn. It'll take more than a small, thin-skinned, inoffensive thing like that to damage me said the egg...

NEWSJACKPEDIA:

1. Giraffe - chain of restaurants whose losses caused it's owners a massive pain in the neck.
2. Figure hugging - style of clothing exhibited by the Ted Baker brand and style of behaviour exhibited by the Ted Baker founder Ray Kelvin.
3. Post-Brexit funding - money that can be given to areas that voted leave in the Brexit referendum. But it isn't a bribe. Oh no.

Good Week / Bad Week

1. Bad week - for Joss Stone as the singer from Devon admitted to being scared on performing in Syria.
Good week - for Joss Stone as she finally manages to get a good mobile phone signal after leaving Devon.

2. Bad week for stationer Paperchase as it announces some stores will have to close.
Good week for stores like Paperchase that sell cards that say "Sorry you are being made redundant"

3. Good week for retailer Ted Baker whose figure hugging outfits have helped them continue to prosper.
Bad week for Ted Baker founder Ray Kelvin whose figure hugging antics have led to him having to quit the company.

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Rood Eye

  • Sunday 10th March 2019, 2:42pm
  • England
  • 3,850 posts
Quote: Exe Chris @ 10th March 2019, 2:20 PM

3. Good week for retailer Ted Baker whose figure hugging outfits have helped them continue to prosper.
Bad week for Ted Baker founder Ray Kelvin whose figure hugging antics have led to him having to quit the company.

That's a very decent joke actually and well-worthy of inclusion in the show.

I think you were just unlucky.

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B T F

  • Sunday 10th March 2019, 5:42pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 156 posts

Exe Chris I too really liked your Ted Baker joke.

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Danno

  • Monday 11th March 2019, 3:42pm
  • Azerbaijan
  • 307 posts

@Kenny...my favourite was the eBay GWBW
@ExeChris...liked the GWBWs
all the best for the final week