Quote: Auditchris @ 15th February 2019, 9:15 AM
This week's unloved oneliners:
1. Parenting site Mumsnet has been hit by a data breach. They've promised to avoid further leaks by doing their pelvic floor exercises.
2. Sports Direct owner Mike Ashley has pulled out of a bid to buy Patisserie Valerie. He realised he wouldn't be able to use zero flour contracts.
3. Five paintings by Adolf Hitler have failed to sell at auction. It was the worst result in the history of Bargain Hunt.
1. Seabourne Freight: Whatever you want it to be - they promise they can do it!
2. Customs Union: Like Customs League but with more complicated rules.
3. Prince Philip: To voluntarily give up your driving licence thirty years after a member of the public would have had theirs taken away.
First one really made me laugh. Flour contract a good patisserie pun.
I did one on yellow vests and one on polar bears. Also on Amber Rudd. Not worth putting up really.
Quote: Wishus @ 15th February 2019, 4:59 PM
I wasn't too sure about my Newsjackpedia ones, but I'll happily share my rejected one-liners.
1. Expectant mothers are crossing their legs following a wave of sudden closures of birthing centres across the country; no one can say whether they are likely to reopen.
2. Russia may briefly disconnect from the internet in order to test its cyber defences, announced their National Cyber Security Chief, Mr. Turnitovanonagainanov.
3. Scientists have warned that 40% of insect species are going into dramatic decline. That's a real buzzkill.
Russian name one is a bit different. Makes a nice change.
Quote: Lane12 @ 15th February 2019, 8:21 PM
Hello! Very happy to have found this forum. Nothing accepted this week, but here's two I thought I had a better chance of getting away with:
1. The contract with Seabourne Freight has been cancelled, despite all the company's efforts during the recent pantomime season. Seabourne blames all the little boys and girls who did not clap hard enough when asked if they believed in ferries.
2. A High Court judge dozed off during a hearing. When asked for her verdict on the case, the judge said she was sleeping on it.
Hard making a one-liner one line...
Number 2 is a nice groaner. Mine are rarely one line. I often try a semi-colon or a dash to try and fool myself.
Quote: Kenny Bania @ 15th February 2019, 2:08 PM
Some weeks I'm more optimistic than others. I also think I'm guilty of writing stuff that might be mildly amusing to read but not necessarily to be read out. Can't say my hopes were too high this week, but here goes :
Breaking News ;
1. TV detective show Bergerac is to be remade
Programme makers hoping to get a similar lead actor to John Nettles have offered the part to Sting
2. Protestors in Iran have chanted 'death to May'. There are no current plans to film 'The Grand Tour' there
3. Fed up with elderly residents phoning up for local news, Harlow mp Robert Halfon has left callers a recording of Del Amitri's
'nothing ever happens'
1. Hell. Somewhere with a guaranteed place for Sir Christopher Chope
2. Equine Flu. Obviously nowhere near as bad as this man flu I'm currently suffering from
I liked the first one.