British Comedy Guide

Newsjack rejects series 20

Newsjack. Copyright: BBC.

Newsjack

Topical satirical sketch show on Radio 4 Extra. The programme has an 'open door' policy allowing anyone to submit material

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Kenny Bania

  • Friday 8th February 2019, 1:27pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 235 posts

Couple of my dud oneliners this week :

A Canadian woman who used a stolen credit card to buy a winning lottery ticket
has been jailed for 1, 3, 13, 22 and 49 years

A cat who invaded the pitch during a premier league game ran towards bushy bearded football
coach Nuno Santo, proving that cats really do prefer whiskers

( yeah, I know it's an old joke..... )

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Auditchris

  • Friday 8th February 2019, 2:50pm
  • Tunbridge Wells, United Kingdom
  • 134 posts

Agonised over which oneliners to send and ultimately chose the wrong ones!

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Police in the UK are now using crime prediction technology. In an emergency the public are advised to dial nine twice and then open the front door.

2. A World War One grenade was found in a box of potatoes at a crisp factory. There were concerns that if it popped it wouldn't be able to stop.

3. Burglars have broken into a Belgian bank by using sewage pipes. Police say they escaped carrying a number of substantial deposits.

NEWSJACKIPEDIA
1. Super Bowl: What millions of people saw Sunday evening on the Antiques Roadshow.

2. Royal evacuation: What the Queen does whenever Prince Philip takes her for a spin.

3. Gig economy: What post-Brexit Britain will have when most people make a living by busking.

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Thosisd

  • Friday 8th February 2019, 3:03pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 287 posts

Some great ones there!

1. A copy of the Magna Carta has gone back on display following an attempted robbery. Witnesses at the scene said that the crook was taking liberties.

2. A German sausage museum has cancelled plans to relocate to the site of a former Nazi camp. They admit that the move would have been for the wurst.

3. (made it into show as part of intro to sketch).

4. Executive time - The presidential equivalent of having a big poo at work.

5. Sundance - Ancient mating ritual performed by movie moguls looking to woo an unwilling partner.

6. Super Bowl - Fans left confused and underwhelmed by latest movie in the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

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Exe Chris

  • Sunday 10th February 2019, 9:59am
  • Exeter, England
  • 78 posts

Like the lottery ticket, Belgian sewage thief and Magna Carta ones from above.

My headlines as below; newsjackpedias were woeful so I will spare you those:

1. World War I hand grenade found in shipment of potatoes prompts worries that supermarkets have taken the selling of bangers and mash too literally.
2. As Sesame Street celebrates it's 50th anniversary, the exploits of a colourful bunch of muppets hog the headlines ahead of Kermit, Elmo and Miss Piggy.
3. Amazon defends facial-recognition tool. Or Jeremy Clarkson as he's more commonly known.

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B T F

  • Tuesday 12th February 2019, 11:54pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 156 posts
Quote: Auditchris @ 8th February 2019, 2:50 PM

Agonised over which oneliners to send and ultimately chose the wrong ones!

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Police in the UK are now using crime prediction technology. In an emergency the public are advised to dial nine twice and then open the front door.

2. A World War One grenade was found in a box of potatoes at a crisp factory. There were concerns that if it popped it wouldn't be able to stop.

3. Burglars have broken into a Belgian bank by using sewage pipes. Police say they escaped carrying a number of substantial deposits.

NEWSJACKIPEDIA
1. Super Bowl: What millions of people saw Sunday evening on the Antiques Roadshow.

2. Royal evacuation: What the Queen does whenever Prince Philip takes her for a spin.

3. Gig economy: What post-Brexit Britain will have when most people make a living by busking.

I liked 3, 2 and 3. Good luck.

Quote: Exe Chris @ 10th February 2019, 9:59 AM

Like the lottery ticket, Belgian sewage thief and Magna Carta ones from above.

My headlines as below; newsjackpedias were woeful so I will spare you those:

1. World War I hand grenade found in shipment of potatoes prompts worries that supermarkets have taken the selling of bangers and mash too literally.
2. As Sesame Street celebrates it's 50th anniversary, the exploits of a colourful bunch of muppets hog the headlines ahead of Kermit, Elmo and Miss Piggy.
3. Amazon defends facial-recognition tool. Or Jeremy Clarkson as he's more commonly known.

1 is my favourite. Good luck.

Quote: Thosisd @ 8th February 2019, 3:03 PM

Some great ones there!

1. A copy of the Magna Carta has gone back on display following an attempted robbery. Witnesses at the scene said that the crook was taking liberties.

2. A German sausage museum has cancelled plans to relocate to the site of a former Nazi camp. They admit that the move would have been for the wurst.

3. (made it into show as part of intro to sketch).

4. Executive time - The presidential equivalent of having a big poo at work.

5. Sundance - Ancient mating ritual performed by movie moguls looking to woo an unwilling partner.

6. Super Bowl - Fans left confused and underwhelmed by latest movie in the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

Well done with 3. I like 1 best. I reckon maybe 2 works best as a written rather than spoken pun. Which one made it to the show? Good luck this week.

Quote: Kenny Bania @ 8th February 2019, 1:27 PM

Couple of my dud oneliners this week :

A Canadian woman who used a stolen credit card to buy a winning lottery ticket
has been jailed for 1, 3, 13, 22 and 49 years

A cat who invaded the pitch during a premier league game ran towards bushy bearded football
coach Nuno Santo, proving that cats really do prefer whiskers

( yeah, I know it's an old joke..... )

Thought 1 was good. Good luck this week.

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Auditchris

  • Friday 15th February 2019, 9:15am
  • Tunbridge Wells, United Kingdom
  • 134 posts

This week's unloved oneliners:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Parenting site Mumsnet has been hit by a data breach. They've promised to avoid further leaks by doing their pelvic floor exercises.

2. Sports Direct owner Mike Ashley has pulled out of a bid to buy Patisserie Valerie. He realised he wouldn't be able to use zero flour contracts.

3. Five paintings by Adolf Hitler have failed to sell at auction. It was the worst result in the history of Bargain Hunt.

NEWSJACKIPEDIA
1. Seabourne Freight: Whatever you want it to be - they promise they can do it!

2. Customs Union: Like Customs League but with more complicated rules.

3. Prince Philip: To voluntarily give up your driving licence thirty years after a member of the public would have had theirs taken away.

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Stobbart42

  • Friday 15th February 2019, 1:07pm
  • Japan
  • 163 posts

Those are some solid gags, AuditChris. Nice work.

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Auditchris

  • Friday 15th February 2019, 1:20pm
  • Tunbridge Wells, United Kingdom
  • 134 posts

Cheers Stobbart42, appreciate you saying so. I won't say I was quietly confident as you can never be with NJ but I was quietly hopeful.

But then, aren't we all... :)

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Kenny Bania

  • Friday 15th February 2019, 1:32pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 235 posts
Quote: Auditchris @ 15th February 2019, 9:15 AM

This week's unloved oneliners:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Parenting site Mumsnet has been hit by a data breach. They've promised to avoid further leaks by doing their pelvic floor exercises.

2. Sports Direct owner Mike Ashley has pulled out of a bid to buy Patisserie Valerie. He realised he wouldn't be able to use zero flour contracts.

3. Five paintings by Adolf Hitler have failed to sell at auction. It was the worst result in the history of Bargain Hunt.

NEWSJACKIPEDIA
1. Seabourne Freight: Whatever you want it to be - they promise they can do it!

2. Customs Union: Like Customs League but with more complicated rules.

3. Prince Philip: To voluntarily give up your driving licence thirty years after a member of the public would have had theirs taken away.

Particularly like the zero flour contracts - can hear the audience groaning at that one

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Auditchris

  • Friday 15th February 2019, 1:54pm
  • Tunbridge Wells, United Kingdom
  • 134 posts

Haha yes, it did feel quite 'Newsjacky.'

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Kenny Bania

  • Friday 15th February 2019, 2:08pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 235 posts

Some weeks I'm more optimistic than others. I also think I'm guilty of writing stuff that might be mildly amusing to read but not necessarily to be read out. Can't say my hopes were too high this week, but here goes :

Breaking News ;

1. TV detective show Bergerac is to be remade
Programme makers hoping to get a similar lead actor to John Nettles have offered the part to Sting

2. Protestors in Iran have chanted 'death to May'. There are no current plans to film 'The Grand Tour' there

3. Fed up with elderly residents phoning up for local news, Harlow mp Robert Halfon has left callers a recording of Del Amitri's
'nothing ever happens'

Newsjackipedia

1. Hell. Somewhere with a guaranteed place for Sir Christopher Chope

2. Equine Flu. Obviously nowhere near as bad as this man flu I'm currently suffering from

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Wishus

  • Friday 15th February 2019, 4:59pm
  • Northampton, England
  • 133 posts

I wasn't too sure about my Newsjackpedia ones, but I'll happily share my rejected one-liners.

1. Expectant mothers are crossing their legs following a wave of sudden closures of birthing centres across the country; no one can say whether they are likely to reopen.
2. Russia may briefly disconnect from the internet in order to test its cyber defences, announced their National Cyber Security Chief, Mr. Turnitovanonagainanov.
3. Scientists have warned that 40% of insect species are going into dramatic decline. That's a real buzzkill.

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Lane12

  • Friday 15th February 2019, 8:21pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 3 posts

Hello! Very happy to have found this forum. Nothing accepted this week, but here's two I thought I had a better chance of getting away with:

1. The contract with Seabourne Freight has been cancelled, despite all the company's efforts during the recent pantomime season. Seabourne blames all the little boys and girls who did not clap hard enough when asked if they believed in ferries.

2. A High Court judge dozed off during a hearing. When asked for her verdict on the case, the judge said she was sleeping on it.

Hard making a one-liner one line...

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B T F

  • Friday 15th February 2019, 10:16pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 156 posts
Quote: Auditchris @ 15th February 2019, 9:15 AM

This week's unloved oneliners:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Parenting site Mumsnet has been hit by a data breach. They've promised to avoid further leaks by doing their pelvic floor exercises.

2. Sports Direct owner Mike Ashley has pulled out of a bid to buy Patisserie Valerie. He realised he wouldn't be able to use zero flour contracts.

3. Five paintings by Adolf Hitler have failed to sell at auction. It was the worst result in the history of Bargain Hunt.

NEWSJACKIPEDIA
1. Seabourne Freight: Whatever you want it to be - they promise they can do it!

2. Customs Union: Like Customs League but with more complicated rules.

3. Prince Philip: To voluntarily give up your driving licence thirty years after a member of the public would have had theirs taken away.

First one really made me laugh. Flour contract a good patisserie pun.

I did one on yellow vests and one on polar bears. Also on Amber Rudd. Not worth putting up really.

Quote: Wishus @ 15th February 2019, 4:59 PM

I wasn't too sure about my Newsjackpedia ones, but I'll happily share my rejected one-liners.

1. Expectant mothers are crossing their legs following a wave of sudden closures of birthing centres across the country; no one can say whether they are likely to reopen.
2. Russia may briefly disconnect from the internet in order to test its cyber defences, announced their National Cyber Security Chief, Mr. Turnitovanonagainanov.
3. Scientists have warned that 40% of insect species are going into dramatic decline. That's a real buzzkill.

Russian name one is a bit different. Makes a nice change.

Quote: Lane12 @ 15th February 2019, 8:21 PM

Hello! Very happy to have found this forum. Nothing accepted this week, but here's two I thought I had a better chance of getting away with:

1. The contract with Seabourne Freight has been cancelled, despite all the company's efforts during the recent pantomime season. Seabourne blames all the little boys and girls who did not clap hard enough when asked if they believed in ferries.

2. A High Court judge dozed off during a hearing. When asked for her verdict on the case, the judge said she was sleeping on it.

Hard making a one-liner one line...

Number 2 is a nice groaner. Mine are rarely one line. I often try a semi-colon or a dash to try and fool myself.

Quote: Kenny Bania @ 15th February 2019, 2:08 PM

Some weeks I'm more optimistic than others. I also think I'm guilty of writing stuff that might be mildly amusing to read but not necessarily to be read out. Can't say my hopes were too high this week, but here goes :

Breaking News ;

1. TV detective show Bergerac is to be remade
Programme makers hoping to get a similar lead actor to John Nettles have offered the part to Sting

2. Protestors in Iran have chanted 'death to May'. There are no current plans to film 'The Grand Tour' there

3. Fed up with elderly residents phoning up for local news, Harlow mp Robert Halfon has left callers a recording of Del Amitri's
'nothing ever happens'

Newsjackipedia

1. Hell. Somewhere with a guaranteed place for Sir Christopher Chope

2. Equine Flu. Obviously nowhere near as bad as this man flu I'm currently suffering from

I liked the first one.

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Danno

  • Wednesday 20th February 2019, 12:55pm [Edited]
  • Azerbaijan
  • 307 posts

Sorry I'm late, some hilarious gags on here, really impressed.

Here are some of mine so far...

Manchester is to launch a Valentine's Day blood giving campaign: previous attempts to meet a shortfall in donor numbers have so far been 'in vein'.

The Duke of Edinburgh has decided to give up driving. The news came as a relief to Norfolk Police who now anticipate a sharp drop in reports of crop circles.

A London judge has had to apologise for falling asleep in court. She said she deeply regretted the incident which resulted in a suspended sentence.

Liam Nissen: A cosh wielding Sunderland car manufacturer with a very particular set of skills.

Divorce Bill: What friends of Hilary Clinton kept saying during the 90s. (made the script)

M&S Love Sausage: The Valentine's Day special that sounds more like a Facebook 'frape'

The Single Market: A system promoting the free movement of trout pouts and dick pics

Birdbox Challenge: What Theresa May's been doing for the past two-and-a-half years.