British Comedy Guide

Newsjack rejects series 20 Page 6

Newsjack. Copyright: BBC.

Newsjack

Topical satirical sketch show on Radio 4 Extra. The programme has an 'open door' policy allowing anyone to submit material

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TheTrashBat

  • Tuesday 5th March 2019, 11:35am
  • Dorset, United Kingdom
  • 76 posts

Cheers guys!
I'm pretty sure I'll have a full compliment of 'gags' to dump here on Thursday. Tough week :/

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Danno

  • Wednesday 6th March 2019, 3:58pm [Edited]
  • Azerbaijan
  • 307 posts

Ha...that's the Newsjack doom-mongering spirit we all know and love. The rejects cave is the place to be anyway. Fact! Come the comedy apocalypse you'll have all the vital survival skills...see who's laughing then Pirate

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Jee Knee

  • Thursday 7th March 2019, 6:56pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 17 posts

I see that last week's gags are fermenting down nicely into some high-quality joke mulch, so here are some more for the compost bin (with annotations purely for my own amusement).

[screams obscenities at a cruel and uncaring universe, adjusts cravat and clears throat...]

BREAKING NEWS:

1. Birds Eye has announced that it is axing Findus Crispy Pancakes. The popular snacks have been on sale in the UK since 1958, so the fillings have probably gone off by now. [EDITOR: This is probably the most Newsjack-y thing you've ever written, so of course it wasn't going to be used.]

2. A Swiss café owner has invented a rotisserie-style kebab made entirely out of cheese. Critics have described his attempts to appeal to vegetarians as 'hole-y inappropriate', but the owner hit back, saying 'honestly, e-damned if you do, e-damned if you don't.' [EDITOR: Puns? Really? Not even particularly good puns. Edam is Dutch.] [CONTRIBUTOR: Yeah, yeah, I know. I only had about an hour to do all of these, so just calm down, ok?]

3. Downing Street sent the Health Secretary Matt Hancock to answer MPs' questions about the ferries fiasco instead of Chris Grayling. A spokesman defended the decision, pointing out that the Transport Secretary had been making everybody feel very ill recently.

NEWSJACKPEDIA:

1. 'Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?' - Item one on the agenda at every Topshop board meeting.
2. 'Momo challenge' - A sinister grass-cutting competition.
3. 'Captain Marvel' - What Theresa May calls herself when nobody else is around.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:

1. It's been a good week for music streaming services, which have overtaken CDs, vinyl and downloads for the first time. It's been a bad week for wax cylinder manufacturers, who are still waiting for that elusive comeback.

2. It's been a bad week for Kanye West, who has revealed that his recording contract legally forbids him from not working. It's been a good week for NHS staff, who are all looking forward to being paid the same as Kanye West.

3. It's been a bad week for the Health Secretary Matt Hancock, who was forced to face questions from MPs about the ferries fiasco. It's been a worse week for Chris Grayling because the sky is blue, the Earth revolves around the sun and two plus two is four. [CONTRIBUTOR: ...and before you butt in, you judgemental prat, yes, I know it's the same setup as one of the breaking news ones, but, as I mentioned earlier, time was short and at least it's a very different punchline.] [EDITOR: If you can call that a punchline...] [CONTRIBUTOR: Yes, I do. I do call it a punchline, and you know why? Because I laughed at it. And I know it's not Newsjack-style, but so what?] [EDITOR: So what? SO WHAT? Why the f*** are you bothering with any of this if you know it's not the right style? Get out. Get off your f***ing high horse and get the f*** out. If I had anything on this imaginary desk right now I'd throw it at you. Go on, f*** off. Close the door behind you.]

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Wishus

  • Thursday 7th March 2019, 7:05pm
  • Northampton, England
  • 133 posts

I like your Momo and vinyl jokes!

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Danno

  • Thursday 7th March 2019, 7:19pm [Edited]
  • Azerbaijan
  • 307 posts

Lovin' the meltdowns Jee Knee...better than the show tbh. Liked Birdseye the bestest, and before your battered, disillusioned, confidence-sapped brain tells you 'that's because he didn't read them all', your wrong, I did, and I chuckled...mainly at the brilliant commentary...but i chuckled.

oooh....thought momo was funny too

'ere be mine....'tis week fiiiiiiiive, the week when I start talking like a piiiiirate because newsjack 'as driven meeee bonkerrrrrrrrrs...

Brexiteer, Nigel Farage, is to lead a 14-day protest march from Sunderland to London. He's planned the route himself, starting at the Royal Oak, then the Red Lion, the White Hart, the Rose & Crown, (FADING OUT) George & Dragon, Queen's Head, Brown Bear, Rising Star, Black Swan...

Actor, Simon Pegg, has apparently been living in the gym for six months in preparation for his new role: he had been facing eviction but claimed squatter's rights.

The Mr Mens' Mr Greedy has been labelled by literary assessors as a highly complex character: 'You think I'm complicated?' said Mr Greedy, 'You wanna try dating Little Miss Schizoid.

1. Hummus: The mashed chickpea spread Jeremy Corbyn is accused of being friendly with.

2. Aunty-Semitism: My mum's cuddly sister who prefers to be called by her first name.

It's been a bad week for Liverpool fans who are worried that their team has lost its bottle.
It's been a worse week for Hibernian fans who are accused of throwing theirs onto the pitch.

It's been a sad week for the world of music following the untimely death of The Prodigy's legendary frontman Keith Flint.
It's been a ground-breaking week for St Peter at the Pearly Gates, who for the first time, and without hesitation, let someone stroll right in wearing horns. (i know, i know, i shouldn't have gone there...it's supposed to be tactful and tasteful)

It's been a good week for the Mr Men's Mr Greedy, who has been rated by literary assessors as a highly complex character.

It's been a bad week for Mr Skinny who once described his former flat-mate as 'just a fat, fridge-raiding, simple-minded bloater'.

*tumbleweed*

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B T F

  • Thursday 7th March 2019, 7:35pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 156 posts

Ha! Jee Knee you make me laugh. Very funny editor comments.
I like momo. Funny.
Wax vinyl and Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. All funny.
Liked all Breaking News. 'Holely' is a visual pun maybe less than a radio one but I don't want to sound like your ed comments. Edamn funny.
Findus pancakes are no more. What a shame. Nostalgia.

Quote: Danno @ 7th March 2019, 7:19 PM

Lovin' the meltdowns Jee Knee...better than the show tbh. Liked Birdseye the bestest, and before your battered, disillusioned, confidence-sapped brain tells you 'that's because he didn't read them all', your wrong, I did, and I chuckled...mainly at the commentary...but i chuckled.

oooh....thought momo was funny too

'ere be mine....'tis week fiiiiiiiive, the week when I start talking like a piiiiirate because newsjack 'as driven meeee bonkers...

Brexiteer, Nigel Farage, is to lead a 14-day protest march from Sunderland to London. He's planned the route himself, starting at the Royal Oak, then the Red Lion, the White Hart, the Rose & Crown, (FADING OUT) George & Dragon, Queen's Head, Brown Bear, Rising Star, Black Swan...

Actor, Simon Pegg, has apparently been living in the gym for six months in preparation for his new role: he had been facing eviction but claimed squatter's rights.

The Mr Mens' Mr Greedy has been labelled by literary assessors as a highly complex character: 'You think I'm complicated?' said Mr Greedy, 'You wanna try dating Little Miss Schizoid.

1. Hummus: The mashed chickpea spread Jeremy Corbyn is accused of being friendly with.

2. Aunty-Semitism: My mum's cuddly sister who prefers to be called by her first name.

It's been a bad week for Liverpool fans who are worried that their team has lost its bottle.
It's been a worse week for Hibernian fans who are accused of throwing theirs onto the pitch.

It's been a sad week for the world of music following the untimely death of The Prodigy's legendary frontman Keith Flint.
It's been a ground-breaking week for St Peter at the Pearly Gates, who for the first time, and without hesitation, let someone stroll right in wearing horns. (i know, i know, i shouldn't have gone there...it's supposed to be tactful and tasteful)

It's been a good week for the Mr Men's Mr Greedy, who has been rated by literary assessors as a highly complex character.

It's been a bad week for Mr Skinny who once described his former flat-mate as 'just a fat, fridge-raiding, simple-minded bloater'.

*tumbleweed*

Hi really liked first three and bottle one.
I am no expert but the BN Mr Greedy, I wonder if it may be more Newsjacky if second half is: Mr Greedy's responded, saying, 'If you think I'm complex, you wanna try dating Little Miss Schizoid!'

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BTF

  • Thursday 7th March 2019, 8:40pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 519 posts

Apologies for these! I can see some of the things that do not work.

2. Gagging clause - Santa's been at the sherry again! (too Christmassy. Maybe also not funny really)
3. 5G high speed - primary school class when the bell goes. (I think they will have loads like this)

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a good week for Derbyshire Health Trust who're giving free condoms to older people in a 3 month push.
It's been a bad week for OAPs who feel completely shafted; if they're expected to do a 3 month push, they need some lubricant! (bad taste and crude and obvious)
2. It's been a bad week for a cash-strapped NHS as older people are issued with free condoms.
It's been a worse week for a cash-strapped NHS - as pensioners call for free Viagra to make use of them.
(too obvious - why should pensioners need Viagra more than any other group. Too judgemental about the 'performance' of pensioners)
3. It's been a good week for Theresa May - she got lots of attention for an impersonation of a meerkat.
It's been a bad week for Larry, the no. 10 pet; she's so full of herself she's ignoring him, as if he were a mere cat. (doesn't quite make sense maybe. She probably ignores him anyway - there must be loads of meerkat jokes and this won't be anywhere near the best one but I liked playing with it).

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Danno

  • Thursday 7th March 2019, 9:45pm [Edited]
  • Azerbaijan
  • 307 posts

@BTF...Thought the 5G one was really clever, the gagging clause also made me chuckle but I know what you mean about seasonality. Thought the Viagra one was the pick of your GWBWs. Next week is genna be your week, I can feel it in my waters.

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sillysausage

  • Friday 8th March 2019, 8:36am
  • Derbyshire, England
  • 90 posts

Jee Knee - Favourites were the Crispy Pancake and Momo gags
Danno - I really liked the Keith Flint one but they really don't seem to like ones about celebrity deaths (have tried a few!)
BTF - Loved both the breaking news - gagging clause/Clause and 5G.

Here are mine.

BREAKING NEWS:

Troubled restaurant chain Giraffe closes 27 outlets but business experts say its survival remains a tall order.

Joss Stone sneaks into Syria to perform a gig, prompting cries of "Haven't these poor people suffered enough?"

More than 1,500 live tortoises are found in four suitcases at a Filipino airport. Customs officials said they were shell-shocked.

NEWSJACKIPEDIA:

CHILD GENIUS: Popular Channel 4 show and Jeremy Corbyn's pet name for Owen Jones.

BOJO CHALLENGE: Alarming online game in which a hideous monster appears on screens and tells idiot to carry out destructive acts against themselves and their country.

SHALLOW: Type of person who thinks Lady Gaga should date Bradley Cooper just because they sing so nicely together. [USED BY NEWSJACK}

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:

Good week for Elon Musk as he successfully sends a dummy into space. Bad week for the human race as the dummy wasn't Donald Trump.

Bad week for Paperchase as the firm announces plans to close several stores. Good week for Paperchase staff as they have a cracking selection of leaving cards to choose from.

Good week for Gemma Collins as she gets back together with James Argent. Bad week for Arg who was sooo very close to freedom.

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B T F

  • Friday 8th March 2019, 8:48am [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 156 posts
Quote: sillysausage @ 8th March 2019, 8:36 AM

Jee Knee - Favourites were the Crispy Pancake and Momo gags
Danno - I really liked the Keith Flint one but they really don't seem to like ones about celebrity deaths (have tried a few!)
BTF - Loved both the breaking news - gagging clause/Clause and 5G.

Here are mine.

BREAKING NEWS:

Troubled restaurant chain Giraffe closes 27 outlets but business experts say its survival remains a tall order.

Joss Stone sneaks into Syria to perform a gig, prompting cries of "Haven't these poor people suffered enough?"

More than 1,500 live tortoises are found in four suitcases at a Filipino airport. Customs officials said they were shell-shocked.

NEWSJACKIPEDIA:

CHILD GENIUS: Popular Channel 4 show and Jeremy Corbyn's pet name for Owen Jones.

BOJO CHALLENGE: Alarming online game in which a hideous monster appears on screens and tells idiot to carry out destructive acts against themselves and their country.

SHALLOW: Type of person who thinks Lady Gaga should date Bradley Cooper just because they sing so nicely together. [USED BY NEWSJACK}

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:

Good week for Elon Musk as he successfully sends a dummy into space. Bad week for the human race as the dummy wasn't Donald Trump.

Bad week for Paperchase as the firm announces plans to close several stores. Good week for Paperchase staff as they have a cracking selection of leaving cards to choose from.

Good week for Gemma Collins as she gets back together with James Argent. Bad week for Arg who was sooo very close to freedom.

All work well as jokes. You have the knack silly sausage. I did love the Joss Stone one and thought it was fresh and a bit unusual. I could not think of a way of bringing shell-shocked in when I was trying that topic out (am drawn to tortoises - as pets I must add) so you have the skill! As Danno said it is the one you least expect that beats the numbers odds.

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Jee Knee

  • Friday 8th March 2019, 9:07am
  • United Kingdom
  • 17 posts

Cheers Danno. I loved your Farage and Simon Pegg ones, especially Farage. Really made me chuckle. I guess the difficulty with one like that is where the audience laugh would actually come. It's more a sort of slow-burn than a 'set-up, set-up...PUNCHLINE' which is understandably what they tend to go for. But damn funny. :)

Thanks B T F! And to the confusingly similarly-named BTF: 5G High Speed :D Hell yes.

Silly Sausage: Quality Breaking News gags! Tapping the table in appreciation snooker-player style for Giraffe. And loved the Paperchase one too. However, half a point off for reminding me about the existence of Gemma Collins. That's a cruel thing to do to someone in my fragile emotional state.

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Danno

  • Friday 8th March 2019, 9:40am [Edited]
  • Azerbaijan
  • 307 posts

Thanks for sharing @Sausage and congrats. I think your Giraffe gag is a textbook example of a perfect oneliner: without (me) sounding too weird, it's really neat and balanced. Your Shallow joke is cheeky and great and I think it also did well because it's 'on-trend' as a celebrity news story and fits the Newsjackpedia segment really well. So chuffed you liked my Keith Flint joke...i was really worried about it but genuinely thought it was respectful. I remember one of our BCG newsjack forum buddies (can't remember who) did a lovely joke about Burt Reynolds in a Smokey & the Bandit style/homage which got aired, which is why i took an uncomfortable punt myself.

@JeeKnee...glad i got some chuckles, thanks so much for the feedback. i know exactly what you mean about the format etc...i tend to push my luck a bit with my submissions and don't do myself many favours.

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Auditchris

  • Friday 8th March 2019, 10:03am
  • Tunbridge Wells, United Kingdom
  • 134 posts

@BTF: Love Gagging Clause! File that away for a Christmas joke competition or something.

In fact there might be a Xmas sketch there somewhere with the 'Clause family'. Gagging who's always being sick, Dependent who can't do anything for themselves, Subordinate who just gets bossed around and Santa who's just exasperated by all the others.

I digress, here are this week's gags:

A new study suggests that Fantastic Mr Fox is easier to read than Mr Greedy. That's because Mr Fox is always licking his lips while Mr Greedy has a poker face.

A quarter of people believe that humans have psychic powers, according to a survey to be conducted next week. [Used in show]

The world's number one Bridge player has been suspended following a drugs test. He insisted he hadn't been dealing.

It's been a bad week for the grandmother who was swept out to sea after posing for a photo on an iceberg.
It's been a good week for sailors who now have somewhere to go for homemade cake and knitted jumpers that don't quite fit.

It's been a bad week for the homeless man who was threatened with a £20,000 fine for sleeping outside parliament.
It's been a good week for the MP who was offered a 3% pay rise for sleeping inside parliament.

It's been a bad week for Jeremy Corbyn after he got hit by a raw egg.
It's been a good week for the Labour Party who avoided any more poached MPs.

Chlorinated chicken: When two people swim towards each other in the same lane until the very last second.

Britbox: How UK residents will fight for resources after Brexit.

Momo Challenge: When a mysterious WhatsApp user dares you to cut the grass.

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Wishus

  • Friday 8th March 2019, 11:46am
  • Northampton, England
  • 133 posts

@BTF - loved 5G, and @Danno - the Simon Pegg one! @Sillysausage and @AuditChris - I bow to you!

Here are mine:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. The NHS will be offering women free sanitary products in hospitals from this summer, in the hope that they'll free up beds by roller-skating out of the ward.
2. Scientists have claimed UK shipping waters are so noisy that whales are forced to shout to each other, but it turns out they are all trying to communicate while listening to their podcast.
3. Katy Perry and Orlando Bloom have announced they're getting married at Disney World. Orlando could dress as his character Will Turner on the Pirates of the Caribbean Ride, but Katy will need her own theme, as she's never hit the high seas.

NEWSJACKIPEDIA:
1. Stronger Towns Fund -- money to buy people living in deprived areas extra cans of spinach.
2. Space-CEX -- high street store where you can buy and sell Elon Musk's old rockets.
3. Smear-test -- exam for journalists who want to write for the Daily Mail.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a good week for the Royal Family, who have announced that they have taken steps to banish trolls from their social media. It's been a bad week for Princess Beatrice who has suddenly found herself dropped from their WhatsApp group.
2. It's been a bad week for Jeremy Corbyn, who was pelted with eggs during a visit to a mosque. It's been a good week for Jeremy Corbyn, who had one less ingredient he needed to buy for pancake day.
3. It's been a good week for Theresa May, who won a bet by using the word "simples" in the Commons. It's been a bad week for The Ritz, where Theresa will be taking tea as her prize, as they didn't want to be associated with any more crackers.

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sillysausage

  • Friday 8th March 2019, 11:51am
  • Derbyshire, England
  • 90 posts

Hi Wishus - my favourites were the NHS breaking news, the Stronger Towns Fund Newsjackipedia and the Princess Beatrice GW/BW. Could imagine those on the show.

Do you tend to put your personal favourites as the first of the three. I do - just in case they lose interest or don't read all the way through!