British Comedy Guide

Newsjack rejects series 20 Page 2

Newsjack. Copyright: BBC.

Newsjack

Topical satirical sketch show on Radio 4 Extra. The programme has an 'open door' policy allowing anyone to submit material

Avatar

AidanMcComedy

  • Thursday 21st February 2019, 8:06am [Edited]
  • Leeds, England
  • 21 posts
Quote: Wishus @ 15th February 2019, 4:59 PM

3. Scientists have warned that 40% of insect species are going into dramatic decline. That's a real buzzkill.

haha!

I'll save sharing all six of my weekly submissions, but I had high hopes for this from week 1:

"A Hawaii politician is proposing raising the minimum age for buying cigarettes to 100. Shops will however ask for ID if the customer looks below 125. "

I wasn't hugely confident on my second week submissions. Feel a lot more confident this week... 10 hours 'til we find out.

Avatar

TommyB

  • Thursday 21st February 2019, 6:28pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 8 posts

Thought I'd share the one oneliner (Newsjackipedia) I actually liked that I wrote for this week's here, seeing as though my inbox is empty.

Party Split - Jeremy Corbyn's new dessert, available in his new cookbook: 'For the many, not the Jew'.

Avatar

Danno

  • Thursday 21st February 2019, 6:39pm
  • Azerbaijan
  • 307 posts

LOL @TommyB

Here's a few of my ep 3 bloopers that didn't butter any parsnips...

Music legend and library patron, Dolly Parton, has helped sign up five thousand kids for free books. She's particularly keen to work with ages 9 to 5.

Brexiteers: Generally worn with a Brexit nose and glasses.

Podcast: An actor who always ends up playing the part of a dolphin.

It's been a bad week for the Inland Revenue as the UK's richest man confirms he's moving to Monaco.
It's been a good week for the UK's second richest man.

*sighs*

Avatar

TommyB

  • Thursday 21st February 2019, 6:51pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 8 posts

@Danno

I can't decide whether I like those or feel physical pain reading them... The power of a good pun, ey? (They all received a nose snort though, which is high praise from someone who doesn't laugh solo)

Avatar

Kenny Bania

  • Thursday 21st February 2019, 9:31pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 258 posts

Enjoyed the 'brexiteers', Danno

I could only muster one poor newsjackipedia this week :
Climate change : pocket money for a school protest march

but was happier with some of my others :
BNs

Cyclists in Derby have protested against the removal of a cycle lane by stripping to their underwear. Onlookers said the cycle lane marks weren't visible, but plenty of skid marks were

Since accusing Churchill of being a villain, John McDonnell has seen a huge rise in his car insurance renewal price

Coleen Rooney has been seen without her wedding band. After following her around for years, the Mariachi singers say they've had enough

GWBW

It's been another bad week for the Karl Marx memorial, but a very good week to try out new Cillit Bang graveyard graffiti remover

Its been a bad week for customers of Flybmi, but a good week for Countdown contestants who've learnt a new word to spell from only one vowel and five consonants

back to the drawing board.........

Avatar

Stobbart42

  • Thursday 21st February 2019, 11:00pm
  • Japan
  • 163 posts

Here's a couple from this week.

NASA's Opportunity rover's final message to Earth was 'My battery is low and it's getting dark'. Interestingly, this is also the last thing Theresa May says before plugging herself into the mains every night.

President Trump has declared a national emergency in order to get funding for a wall big enough to hang all of his Nobel prizes.

Avatar

sillysausage

  • Friday 22nd February 2019, 8:22am
  • Derbyshire, England
  • 93 posts

My fruitless efforts for this week. One made the script but not the edit. Not sure which one yet.

1. Boycie actor John Challis says he's disgusted tickets for the Only Fools and Horses musical are being resold at vastly inflated prices. He said he'd love to know where these get rich quick conmen get their ideas from.

2. Scientists have managed to rejuvenate damaged brain cells in rodents. Their experiment involved watching three blind mice to see how they run.

3. Inmates at Nottingham Prison have been caught smuggling in mamba sprayed onto the pages of a Harry Potter book. The prisoners are now searching for the Golden Snitch.

NEWSJACKIPEDIA:

1. INDEPENDENT GROUP: Name of the most underwhelming breakaway since H & Claire left Steps.

2. BREAK UP WITH UR GIRLFRIEND I'M BORED: Number one hit for Ariana Grande and the code phrase used by Chuka Umanna to recruit more Labour defectors.

3. YEARS AND YEARS: Brit-nominated British duo and the length of time it's going to take to sort out Brexit.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:

1. Good week for 21 Pilots as they're nominated for Best International Act at the Brit Awards. Bad week for 21 pilots as they're told they no longer have a job at FlyBMI.

2. Bad week for Leeds United who've been fined £200,000 for spying on Derby County in training. Good week for Leeds United who've been offered £250,000 for grainy footage of Frank Lampard holding some cones.

3. Bad week for soap fans as EastEnders is cancelled to make way for football. Good week for the residents of Albert Square as they can finally enjoy a Monday night without anything awful happening.

Avatar

Kenny Bania

  • Friday 22nd February 2019, 8:43am
  • United Kingdom
  • 258 posts
Quote: sillysausage @ 22nd February 2019, 8:22 AM

My fruitless efforts for this week. One made the script but not the edit. Not sure which one yet.

1. Boycie actor John Challis says he's disgusted tickets for the Only Fools and Horses musical are being resold at vastly inflated prices. He said he'd love to know where these get rich quick conmen get their ideas from.

2. Scientists have managed to rejuvenate damaged brain cells in rodents. Their experiment involved watching three blind mice to see how they run.

3. Inmates at Nottingham Prison have been caught smuggling in mamba sprayed onto the pages of a Harry Potter book. The prisoners are now searching for the Golden Snitch.

NEWSJACKIPEDIA:

1. INDEPENDENT GROUP: Name of the most underwhelming breakaway since H & Claire left Steps.

2. BREAK UP WITH UR GIRLFRIEND I'M BORED: Number one hit for Ariana Grande and the code phrase used by Chuka Umanna to recruit more Labour defectors.

3. YEARS AND YEARS: Brit-nominated British duo and the length of time it's going to take to sort out Brexit.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:

1. Good week for 21 Pilots as they're nominated for Best International Act at the Brit Awards. Bad week for 21 pilots as they're told they no longer have a job at FlyBMI.

2. Bad week for Leeds United who've been fined £200,000 for spying on Derby County in training. Good week for Leeds United who've been offered £250,000 for grainy footage of Frank Lampard holding some cones.

3. Bad week for soap fans as EastEnders is cancelled to make way for football. Good week for the residents of Albert Square as they can finally enjoy a Monday night without anything awful happening.

My guess would be the near miss was either the ' Independent group ' or 'Years and Years'.

Avatar

sillysausage

  • Friday 22nd February 2019, 8:45am
  • Derbyshire, England
  • 93 posts

I've emailed to ask so should hopefully know soon.

Avatar

Auditchris

  • Friday 22nd February 2019, 9:02am
  • Tunbridge Wells, United Kingdom
  • 135 posts

This week's oneliners:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. A thief has stolen over £300 worth of food from a branch of Greggs. He only wanted £200 worth but forgot about the meal deal.

2. An original copy of Super Mario Bros has sold for a hundred thousand dollars. The buyer said it was the cheapest way to get hold of a plumber at short notice. [MADE THE SHOW]

3. An Australian senator has been accused of smearing blood on the office door of another politician. He said it was just a misunderstanding caused by a Type-O.

NEWSJACKIPEDIA
1. National Emergency: A bus service twice as fast as National Express.

2. Bunch of Fives: What NatWest gives vegan customers when they want to withdraw cash.

3. Labour Split: When a new mother requires stitches.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a good week for UK schoolchildren as they had a day off on Friday to strike over climate change.
It's been a bad week for parents who had to spend their evenings in the garage making placards.

2. It's been a bad week for Flybmi passengers who were left stranded after the airline went into administration.
It's been a good week for Swiss chocolate after stranded passengers bought shedloads of duty free Toblerone.

3. It's been a bad week for NASA who announced their Mars rover had died.
It's been a good week for Martians who can finally get some sleep without that incessant barking.

Avatar

Danno

  • Friday 22nd February 2019, 9:34am
  • Azerbaijan
  • 307 posts

Lots of laughs from the armchair at chez Danno.

Sure a fair few of these made it well past the sifting stage. Congrats @Audit Chris!

Avatar

sillysausage

  • Friday 22nd February 2019, 12:13pm
  • Derbyshire, England
  • 93 posts

Turns out it was my EastEnders quip that came close - and I thought that was the weakest of the lot.

Avatar

AidanMcComedy

  • Friday 22nd February 2019, 1:48pm
  • Leeds, England
  • 21 posts

I managed to get in (the Melania Trump joke right at the end of the episode) but actually thought one of the below two would get in. (Not complaining; just interesting to see which one they went for).

GOOD WEEK/ BAD WEEK
It's been a bad week for the News at Ten, which the BBC are planning on cutting by ten
minutes to make space for more youth-oriented programming. It's been a good week for
pornography, with the midnight 'ten minute free preview' now getting a prime time spot on
BBC1.

NEWSJACKPEDIA
A twat: not a vulva or a vagina, but a man who attempts to mansplain to a woman the
difference between a vulva and a vagina.

Avatar

Mrkgrngr

  • Friday 22nd February 2019, 3:22pm
  • England
  • 81 posts
Quote: AidanMcComedy @ 22nd February 2019, 1:48 PM

I managed to get in (the Melania Trump joke right at the end of the episode) but actually thought one of the below two would get in. (Not complaining; just interesting to see which one they went for).

GOOD WEEK/ BAD WEEK
It's been a bad week for the News at Ten, which the BBC are planning on cutting by ten
minutes to make space for more youth-oriented programming. It's been a good week for
pornography, with the midnight 'ten minute free preview' now getting a prime time spot on
BBC1.

NEWSJACKPEDIA
A twat: not a vulva or a vagina, but a man who attempts to mansplain to a woman the
difference between a vulva and a vagina.

You won't get the word twat on. I was told once that it's considered by the BBC Radio bods to be almost as bad as c**t.

Quote: sillysausage @ 22nd February 2019, 12:13 PM

Turns out it was my EastEnders quip that came close - and I thought that was the weakest of the lot.

That's happened to me before. I heard an interview, I think on Sitcom Geeks, about someone who wrote loads of gags but couldn't distinguish between the good and bad ones. I think that's my problem. I always write loads of jokes and I worry the ones I bin are better than the ones I'm sending off. I know one of the jokes on Newsjack this week was one I'd thought of and didn't even bother writing down.

Avatar

AidanMcComedy

  • Friday 22nd February 2019, 6:16pm
  • Leeds, England
  • 21 posts
Quote: Mrkgrngr @ 22nd February 2019, 3:22 PM

You won't get the word twat on. I was told once that it's considered by the BBC Radio bods to be almost as bad as c**t.

Good tip. Felt like a risk but I thought it was worth a punt as it was post-watershed.