john lucas 101 has founded a break dancing gang called 'The Smegma'. Founder members are Angela Rippon, Duncan Bannatyne and Pelé. Early signs are good. John blotted his copy book initially when Pelé caught him sniffing Angela's panties - Angela was actually wearing them at the time. Duncan Bannatyne has proved to be the dark horse though. It turns out he was an electronic boogie exponent in the mid 80s - hence his proficiency in all breakdance demands.

In the 1870s , Lieutenant-Colonel Frederick Burnaby (during his annual leave) rode across Asia and imperialist Russia chronicling his journey in the famous adventurer book 'A Ride to Khiva'. Juan Kerr was supposed to be feeding Burnaby's goldfish but got lashed instead, spending the goldfish food money on loose woman. Later additions of the book mentioned this fact in an addendum (in italics).

Will Cam Once travelled all we way from Cincinnati to Belarus in a sparkly blimp to pick up the latest digital abacus from the boot of a shiny turquoise time travelling DeLorean. He'd spoken to trustworthy Eborovich Debroski a few times and absolutely trusted his tone. Eight days later he decided to sellotape a western union cheque up his trusty Canadian goose/pigeon's rear-end, in the hope that it would get there first and secure the item. Unfortunately his trusty Canadian goose/Pigeon swooped down for a much needed break, due to wing ache and was beaten to death by a hungry Bedouin traveller that'd had the misfortune of taking some wrong advice from a competitor, whilst competing in the camel cross country challenge cup and the digital abacus to this day is still inside that DeLorean.

In June 1974, Reiss Ellesse led an MI5 sponsored covert raid inside Bernard Manning's rectum. MI5's belief was that communist Trade Union militants were hiding in Bernards Large intestine. Lord Lucan accompanied Reiss, along with his best friend, Seymour Uppitt. As with these covert operations, things went wrong when Bernard had an unexpected toilet visit (after eating Eggy sandwiches, doused in marmite). In the ensuing (literal) shit storm, Reiss managed to escape and clung for dear life on to the edge of the toilet pan. Seymour however, was not so lucky, and perished in Bernard's rectum - whilst Lord Lucan survived with his life - but still lived on - trapped inside Bernard' bowel forever. Reiss's grief over the years has been knowing of Lord Lucan's whereabouts without anyone believing him (MI5 just didnt want to know) Indeed Reiss could often hear the Lord's pained cries from within Bernard - whenever he appeared on TV (these appearances, for some strange reason, diminished over the years). We now know that Lord Lucan passed away on 18 June 2007 - when Bernard was cremated. Reiss is a shattered person because of these events - and has taken to collecting gravel and masturbating.

Juan was the inventer of Kerr-Plunk, to which he gave his name. Great game, Juan.

Alfred J Kipper Is a complete fantasist and not the ingenious architect, that was once admired by many pre-graduate zoologists. It has been well documented in James V. Lafferty's trustworthy short story anthology on humanitarian/vegetarianism/poker (a well regarded book on insignificant poetic licence's) that the Coney Island elephant shaped Hotel/Brothel, built in 1885 on the Hudson river for the great fair of N.Y wasn't entirely his idea.
The idea was in fact the brainchild of a one Egor Borosnicough and he's absolutely beside himself after reading reports in the Times, arts supplement about his artistic betrayal. Egor built the eye-saw as an endearing charm to all those unsuspecting immigrants heading to the new world, hoping to find employment in Starbuck's, McDonalds and of course Bloomindales.

Reiss Ellesse is, for a large majority of 40 somethings, the least favourite 1970's Blue Peter presenter. Having conspired with John Noakes to have Shep put down (onion being an excellent substitute for genuine bereaving) he further blotted his copy book with the wanton oven-bunning of the future mother of S.E.B. (her name expunged from the records on direct orders of Biddy Baxter). Who do you think it was who hired an elephant who defecated on demand? Sir Les Ferdinand later took the blame but insiders and friends of the show know the ringleader behind the trashing of the B.P. gardens (to cover up discrepancies in the seed distribution ledger no doubt?). Funny how that tortoise changed sex? Ring pulls = guide dogs for the blind? I think not. Who took the cans home?

Will Cam is off to the bottle bank

Tuumble Is about to be arrested in a dawn raid by a gang of angry, only very slightly smaller than the average person, which doesn't in anyway make them inferior or which does not in anyway shun them from a normal living in a normal society people. It was reported yesterday that there has been some controversial shenanigans going on, deep amidst the gambling fraternity. At 6:30 this morning it was revealed inside strict bizarre info-structure's head quarters in a quiet corner of Gregs pastry emporium, that Red Rum's hoofs were controlled by an X-Box controller and not by the horse itself, thus making all bets void. If you have been affected by this horrific situation, please send your bank details to P.O box 12 Bermondsy High street.

Reiss Ellesse (pronounced Bib For-tuna) still believes in love after life (no matter how hard I try, there's no turning back). Peter Thatchall thought differently and once carried out a citizen's arrest on him. The air was blue with rage and indignation but in the end, Ellesse had to concede that his powers were dwindling and capturing headlines like fish in a barrel no longer seemed proportionate or necessary. Two for the price of one on all confectionary......

Will Cam once put a hamster up his bum to see if the rumours were true.

Ellie is Aaron's half-brother twice-deceased.

Tuumble is the brunt of a huge medical hoax. When he was born, the world was told that, as an experiment, the child had been discarded and the placenta kept alive - Tuumble was presented to the global population as 'the world's first living afterbirth'. However, the greedy nurses on the shift actually ate the afterbirth (fried, bit of seasoning...mmmm) and replaced it with a mint flavoured Viscount biscuit - and that is Tuumble.

Tuumble gets hard at the thought of squashing spiders in Dr Scholl sandals.
That's just wrong Tumm!

Juan Kerr and Charley are really Posh and Becks...