Quote: Juan Kerr @ September 3 2010, 3:33 PM BST

Retail supremo,Phillip Green, is really Roscoff in disguise. Roscoff, being only 7 stones in weight, has to wrap a mattress around himself and arrange for his looks to be greatly improved via plastic surgery whenever he wants to mimic the business magnate. He often takes Kate Moss Disco dancing at 'Travoltas' in Romford. He rounds the night off by riding her like a Blackpool donkey in Primark's doorway - while Leonardo DiCaprio looks out for police. What a stud!

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Quote: Will Cam @ September 3 2010, 3:34 PM BST

Roscoff has had dog anal glands secreted under the skin of his forehead taking body modification to the next level with both visual and nasal disgust for onlookers. His mother also has to hand shave goosegogs before he will eat them (which he does anally).

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I feel violated. And not in a good way

Juan Kerr and Will Cam are actually co-writers of Big Top! Take that!

Roscoff loves being violated by two men at once. He once pretended to fight off the joint affections of Jimmy Greaves and John Suchet. Jimmy went first, John followed. They later described Roscoff's pathetic attempts at restraint as being akin to an ant resisting a rogering by King Kong.

Juan Kerr had his penis jammed in a box of tictacs for days when he tried to freshen it up for his first date with a tom from Whitechapel.

I am watching England v Bulgaria. Image my surprise at finding AJK is the referee!

Will Cam wife swapped with Tom Cruise.

Gavin paid a small fortune to watch while wearing dirty panties.

Every other Wednesday night Will Cam drapes a tea towel over his belly and tapes a small blonde wig to his willy so that he can lay under his quilt and pretend he's at a restaurant with Judy Finigan.

When Noah was gathering all the animals and creatures on The Ark, he couldn't catch the pesky Llamas - so he took Moonstone and Peter Mandelson instead. After several weeks of attempts to arouse Moonstone, primarily by reading him extracts from 'How to felate a molusc', Peter impregnated him. Llamas didn't used to look like they do now.

In the offices of Friends Reunited there is a water cooler in the shape of a heart. Just to the right of this is an upturned Toy Story waste paper basket. Under the basket there is a turd-left there by the prankster Kerr whilst on work experience. He never considers intent and affect that lad.

Will Cam, his window-cleaner and Wolf from Gladiators used to spend many a fine hour (or two) masturbating together on the sofa - however the DFS management objected after a while - so now its either CSL or Ikea for these wacky, wanky guys.

Juann Kerr was born without eyelids.

Nat Wicks picks up sticks, seven eight lays them straight.

Will Cam pretends to be gay on Thursday nights just to get in with the BBC programme commissioners down Old Compton Street way. His most used line after a few drinks and shaking his booty to The Communards is 'Do you want me to show you my piece now?'

Alfred J Kipper brought Hanson back together at gun point.

And is now taking steps to get Steps to play on the Steppes.

SootyJ invented the Tango.
But it was originally designed as a way to steal Roses from peoples gardens.