Alan Carr: Chatty Man

News of the World Review (Link expired)

50 minutes later I'm struck by a sudden realisation. I've never felt as sorry for another human being as I feel for poor Alan Carr right now. Because, unless he puts his foot down and goes with his own instincts, his CV must clearly state he went from The Sunday Night Project to The Sunday Night Reject.

I am not one to take against a garrulous homosexual - they constitute the greater part of my social and cultural diet - but the opening episode of Alan Carr: Chatty Man was the nearest I've ever come to shouting: "Just shut up, you rambling poof!"

While there has been amazing progress over the past ten years in making this country less homophobic (Graham Norton getting Eurovision, bisexuals on Doctor Who), the dark reality is that that many people have merely swapped homophobia for "finding gays cute".

I attended an advance fan-screening of Torchwood last week, and every piece of dialogue between Captain Jack and his boyfriend was greeted with knowing, slightly hysterical laughter from the audience - as if everything that the characters were saying was high-camp, bitchy banter. In actuality, a great deal of it wasn't, and some of it was outright sombre - yet it was all drowned out by Pavlovian giggling at the "cute queer couple having a bitch-fight".

If we really are reducing gayness to camp, in terms of social progress, it's going to be as useful as supporting sexual equality - but only so long as all the women are giggly and have big tits.

As a camp man at a crucial moment in his career, then, Carr has some mighty socio-sexual-political currents to swim against. Alas, to the disappointment of any watching recruitment officers at Stonewall, Carr's new chat show consists of little more than an hour of pointing at things - Bruce Forsyth, pictures of people from Big Brother, his own set - and squealing. It makes Mr Humphries from Are You Being Served? look like Harvey Milk.

With an hour of airtime to fill, without Justin Lee Collins, Carr appears not to generate any actual material - he just relies on mannerisms. The third line of his opening monologue is on Britney Spears: "She sings like she's talking through the intercom at a drive-thru McDonalds." Unfortunately, the line also appeared in a Mirror interview with Carr, printed on the same day - a pretty damning index of his productivity. The conversational topics for his first guest, Bruce Forsyth, were: how big Bruce's chin is, how old Bruce is, whether Forsyth knows who will be on the next series of Strictly Come Dancing? (no), and how old Forsyth is again. Forsyth seemed exasperated by the end - like an old, greying horse being harassed by a tiny Jack Russell.

Most damningly of all, the audience laughed at everything Carr said - like a previously unknown experiment involving Pavlov giving his dog a biscuit every time Larry Grayson said, "Shut that door".

TV Review - Alan Carr: Chatty Man

With Chatty Man, Channel 4 look like they've found the solution to their hole in the listings. Alan Carr is a warm and witty bloke, who has managed to win over fans of stand-up and TV comedy, as well as winning over the likes of my mum, who adores him. All in all, it was a show that felt very familiar in a nice way.

Alan Carr: Chatty Man Review

Another popular comedian is handed a chat-show to try their luck, with predictably poor results. Alan Carr's an amusing fellow on-stage doing stand-up (and the best thing about the awful Sunday Night Project), but his new series Chatty Man did nothing but present further evidence against giving funnymen an interviewer's job. They're performers, not facilitators of anecdotes.

How come we hear about Katie and Peter splitting up but not a word about Alan and Justin Lee Spaniel going their separate ways? Yes, things looked dodgy when Justin popped up with his own ITV2 chat show, but there was always hope they'd reunite. Sadly, Alan will be all alone when he speaks to Lord Bruce Forsyth, Heather Graham and Grant Mitchell, but that won't prevent the camp host talking the hind legs off a donkey sanctuary.

With Graham Norton set to join BBC One's chat-show line-up, toothy comedian Alan Carr attempts to fill the hole that Norton left on his defection in 2004 with this new show. Sadly, it just appears to be a rehash of Norton's So formula - sketches with celebrity cameos, an irreverent take on showbiz news and the internet. On the plus side, Carr's guests are presenter Bruce Forsyth, actress Heather Graham and actor-cum-journalist Ross Kemp. Pet Shop Boys provide the music.

The comedian Alan Carr is certain to be a distinctive chat show host, each week offering what the programme-makers call "a good old natter with three celebrity guests from the showbiz world". No surprise appearance from Barack Obama, then. His guests tonight are Bruce Forsyth, the US actress Heather Graham (Scrubs, The Spy Who Shagged Me) and Ross Kemp, whose documentary series In Search of Pirates on Sky1 has become one of the highlights of the week's viewing. The Pet Shop Boys will close the show with a performance of their latest single, Did You See Me Coming?