British Comedy Guide

I went to a restaurant Page 17

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Paul Chisholm

  • Thursday 24th April 2014, 12:31pm
  • England
  • 19 posts
Quote: sootyj @ 24th April 2014, 12:30 PM BST

I went to John Wayne's drug rehab and dairy intolerance clinic

I got off the horse and drank my milk


John Wayne? WTF! Got any jokes that aren't in black and white grandad?

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sootyj

  • Thursday 24th April 2014, 12:36pm
  • England
  • 51,287 posts

I went to Charlie Chaplin's wives restaurant
But the wine was immature and so was the chardonnay

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Paul Chisholm

  • Thursday 24th April 2014, 12:37pm
  • England
  • 19 posts

I went to a restaurant in Kent the other day and I asked the waiter 'whats that smell?' He said, yeah sorry about that, we've just had the Geldoffs in and I think someone might have burnt some peaches.

I know, I know, it's neither funny or right but I just couldn't resist.

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sootyj

  • Thursday 24th April 2014, 12:39pm
  • England
  • 51,287 posts

Bob Geldoff stormed out of my restaurant before pudding, all I said was that the peaches go down easier because they're stoned

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Paul Chisholm

  • Thursday 24th April 2014, 4:09pm [Edited]
  • England
  • 19 posts

I went to a restaurant the other day and ordered the biggest, juiciest steak on the menu. When I'd finished the waitress came over and said 'how was your meal?' I said 'Amazing, but I really shouldn't be eating steak with what I've got.', She said 'Oh, really, what have you got?' I said 'two pound fifty'.

I went to an Indian restaurant the other day and I asked what was on the menu, the waiter said, some spilled wine, dirt and pubic hair, I said no, I mean what food is on the menu, the waiter said oh sorry, well that's tikka sauce and that mark there looks like mango chutney.

I went to a restaurant the other day and I asked the waiter if they had any specials on tonight? He said we've got a spastic washing the dishes.

Times are tough at the moment for me so I went to my local Chinese restaurant the other day and said what will you give me for my cat? She said, well they usually like fish.

Apparently there's a specialist restaurant in China where they only serve dicks. Finally, a place where I can get a table!

I went to MacDonald s the other day and asked the server, what can you recommend that is healthy, nutritious and doesn't have too much fat. She said SubWay.

I went to a restaurant in Leeds the other night and I asked the waiter, can you tell me about the lambs liver? He said it's offal, I said, so you wouldn't recommend it then. (old I know........)

I went to a restaurant the other day and I asked the waiter if I could see the wine list. He said, not from where you're sitting.

i phoned a restaurant the other day and asked if they had disabled access? The waiter said, sorry sir we don't. I said, good cus those spastics put me right of my food.

I went to a restaurant the other day and I asked the waiter, do you serve trout? He said, sorry sir we don't. So I told the wife she'd have to go home hungry. (Carry On..........)

i called my local Chinese restaurant the other day and asked, what can you tell me about the number 29? She said it follows 28 and it's a prime number.

i went to my local Indian restaurant the other day and I asked the waiter what he could recommend that was cheap, tasty, exotic and wouldn't give me the shits in the morning? He said, my sister.

I went to an Ethiopian restaurant in the 1980's and said, I'd like a hamburger. The waiter said, really, join the f***ing queue!

I went to an Iraqi, restaurant in the 1990's and I got talking to the waiter. I asked him what time Saddam Hussein liked to have his dinner, he said, when Tariq Aziz. (not my gag but funny as hell).

I went to my local Korean restaurant the other day and I asked them if they do doggy bags. They said yes, and they come with a side of chips.

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slarnder

  • Saturday 26th April 2014, 7:52pm
  • dorset, England
  • 172 posts

I went to a Crimean resturaunt the other day . half way through my meal a load of burly Russians came in and made me join the cooking staff .

I went to a restaurant and sat down , a waitress came over and asked what I would like , thinking I was making a safe choice I said '' I will have what the cook has most nights please . '' what ? '' she asked . ''a wank in the soup of the day ? ''

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NateSean

  • Wednesday 14th May 2014, 5:24pm
  • Salem, Massachusetts, United States
  • 218 posts

I went to a five star restaurant. Three top judges were there... to serve papers for health code violations.

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playfull

  • Saturday 30th April 2016, 5:54pm
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,819 posts

I went to a celebrity themed restaurant last night, it was really dead.

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Mikey Jackson

  • Saturday 30th April 2016, 7:13pm [Edited]
  • Worthing, West Sussex, England
  • 2,807 posts

I went to a chicken restaurant.
It was only across the road.

I went to a Native American restaurant. Reservation only.

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sootyj

  • Saturday 30th April 2016, 9:08pm
  • England
  • 51,287 posts

Why should you fry a blind chicken?
So it becomes KFSee.

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playfull

  • Sunday 1st May 2016, 12:30am
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,819 posts

So my blind date turned out to be a giant housefly. Where could I take her I thought? Then I remembered the new 'Jeremy Hunt' restaurant on the high street. "Perfect" I thought, "that'll be full of shit!"

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Mikey Jackson

  • Sunday 1st May 2016, 2:59pm
  • Worthing, West Sussex, England
  • 2,807 posts

Did your housefly date say, "Waiter, there's a human in my soup?" Whistling nnocently

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gappy

  • Sunday 1st May 2016, 5:59pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,057 posts

I went to a restaurant run by cowards. It was one of those Bring Your Own Bottle places.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Monday 2nd May 2016, 10:45am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,293 posts

My wife can't stand the sight of dirty dishes. So I take her to McDonald's.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Tuesday 3rd May 2016, 2:49pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,293 posts

My mother went to a French restaurant. The waiter said, 'Coq au vin?' She said, 'That's easy.'