Ellie actually owns The Anchor. She just makes such a fuss about because she hates all BCGers.

sootyj is sharing a cell with George Michael. last night sooty mimicked Andrew Ridgley and they both sang a medley of Wham!'s greatest hits - with inmates providing backing vocals(George played himself) - then George rode sooty like a bitch til dawn. George later snorted a (little) bit of coke off sooty's bell-end.Sooty loves prison now.

Juan Kerr's brother, Eric, really wishes he had a comical name like his brother. He was tempted to change it to Arthur Foxake but decided against it.

Percival Marsh owned a 'pope on a rope' from his childhood. Big boys took it. Shame on them.

Will Cam experimented with a vibrating cock ring on his missus last weekend. But afterwards he couldn't get the thing off, and has to wear a polar neck jumper wherever he goes so people don't laugh at his funny looking necklace.

Alfred J Kipper had 10,000 men. He marched them up to the top of a hill and he marched them down again. Researchers for 'Come Dine With Me' used this as evidence of his inability to cook rissoles.

Will Cam has a little house in the Lakes which he bought so he could take his ladies. He is yet to find any ladies.

Nat Wicks is Yoda's sister.

If anyone cam, Will Cam cam.

Kevin wears a coat of mink fur.

EllieJP and Chipolata are the same person.

Ellie was born with a giant penis in the middle of her forehead. When she was 12, she had an operation to replace it with a vagina.

Kevin was asked to drive the popemobile yesterday after being the only man in Glasgow who didn't fail the breathaliser test. Then he got fined for speeding.

Alfred J Kipper was the inspiration behind Forest Gump. He also collects those big orange slugs which he sells to blind people as sliced peaches. As they suck in a slug he captures his laughter in a specially adapted flask. At night, he sits on his own telling his own jokes. The flask is opened at intervals, giving the impression he is witty (which he is not). Poor Kevin.

Will Cam smokes hedgehogs for Sainsburys. He's getting an EU protected foodstuffs award to stop others using his name.