To be read in the voice of Terry Thomas:
When you are going about your business on the old toilet and you are distracted mid-stool, causing widespread smearage. And after ten wipes with no clear paper, you lose concentration and brush the back of your thumb within the danger zone. The tentative bringing of the thumb towards the nose in a 'did I or didn't I' way is known in medical terms as the Juan Kerr conundrum...quite facinating....
In days of yore, there was an affable young rogue by the name of Dusty Ballbag. Dusty decided to take on the Prince's unfair taxation policy by raising an army of misfits and scamps alike. The band of men (and 2 women) waged battle after battle with the Prince culminating in the now infamous Battle for Godfrey's cottage. With Dusty's men (and 2 women) outfought and outthought, he made the ultimate sacfrice and decided to surrender his life so his colleagues in arms could escape. The Prince was overawed with admiration with Dusty and pardoned him and his posse.
Years later, and reasons known only to Dusty himself, he changed his name to Will-Cam-One-Will-Cam-All
Percival Marsh met his current boyfriend after his sister was out on a date with a bloke who said 'Okay Marge, I'll see you at the Roxy on Saturday, oh and this time, bring your purse eh?' Ted didn't know he was gay till he met Perce.
Alfred J Kipper makes exceedingly bad cakes.
Will Cam has landed a plum job at the local Garibaldi biscuit factory. He strips off bollock naked and tours the factory floor, gently crooning Julio Iglesias numbers to the adoring female staff. Production figures have almost doubled since this novel idea was adopted. One negative is that the geezers on said shop floor resent Will with a vengeance, and today at approximately 11.26am he is going to find himself violently butt f**ked over a pallett of Apricot garibaldis by Wilf, the fitter's mate.
Just hope Will reads this in time......
Juan Kerr was actually the monkey that went into space.
EllieJP smells of damp socks.
Percival Marsh played bass for Jive Bunny and the Mastermixers before being thrown out the band for his addiction corduroy.
Trabs lives inside Richard E Grant. Whenever you see Dickie smiling in his inimitable smug way at premieres and the opening of envelopes - its really Trabs, as he fingers Richards ringpiece from within, making him, and Richard, happy.
In every boyband since 1954 the ugly one at the back who can't dance has been Juan Kerr.
**Verified by the Catholic Church as being a frigging fact**
Will Cam travels to work by hiding in the back of articulated lorries that happen to pass by. Like a bloody illegal.
john lucas 101 has been banned from the 'Who wants to be a millionaire?' studios because he sniffs Chris Tarrants chair after every show. This sickness (because that's what it is - a depraved sickness - nothing less)has been a major part of John's life since he was a toddler. At kindergarten he could be found sniffing wrapped up soiled nappies of his classmates. He's basically nothing more than a depraved shit-sniffer who graduated to game-show anchors'.
Juan Kerr was sacked as washboard player in The Corrs. He was so disillusioned with the music business that he changed his name from Wayne Corr to what it is today.
Tuumble's real job is as the Queen of Spain. He beds that randy old git King Juan Carlos at any opportunity. Why, only last week at the State opening of spanish parliament he could be seen live on national TV blatantly felating the King's spicy chorizo. Tuumble really has lost the plot these days and we must sympathise with his condition.
Footnote from King Juan:
'¡Tuumbles is givings me muy good head!'
Brian Poole sent Juan Kerr an invitation not to be in his band, an unusual move considering he had invited everyone else to be in it, the vast majority of whom refused. Juan Kerr cried, especially after Dave Clark had lied to him about not needing a drummer, and that they were infact called The Dave Clark Four, and because he couldn't hear properly was further reason why he couldn't join them. Juan Kerr cried.