Here's witless host Dermot O'Leary talking up his instant disaster The Marriage Ref: "We know how to make television." Yeah, crap television.

While we're on the subject, last night's misleading episode was full of couples who weren't married. It's not like it's a brilliant name for a show. So call it something else.

A cracking start for ITV's new Saturday sensation The Marriage Ref... commanding an impressively tiny ­audience of 2.5million. The kind of ratings that would be just about ­respectable on a Tuesday afternoon. But for the ­weekend prime time ­"highlight" were nothing short of ­disastrous. Just axe it now.

Episode two was even worse than episode one. No mean feat. Unbelievably boring. No prizes, no serious marital disputes, Sarah ­Millican (again) and witless hollow-laughter host ­Dermot O'Leary. A genial guy who is simply not funny.

If you must waste good money on a feeble format, you might as well recruit someone who can make people laugh.

The excellent Lee Mack does his heroic best to hold together the shambolic mess that is BBC1's Lee Mack's All Star Cast. Is it a chat show? Is it variety? Is it audience participation?

More mediocre Saturday night TV with The Marriage Ref

This pointless nonsense could just hack it as a half hour daytime ­panel game. Mr & Mrs without the laughs. But a 60-minute weekend highlight? I don't think so.

Channel 4's new Friday night unspectacular King Of... a sizzling search for the best of everything. Twenty-five minutes of twee tellyfilla featuring ubiquitous guest Sarah Millican, Chris Evans and a penguin chasing host Claudia Winkleman round the studio. Truly ­hilarious. "King of ways to end a TV show," giggled ­Claudia. "I'm going with the ­salute." I'm going with the axe.

Back for a new series, BBC2's excellent Lead Balloon continues to be what most sitcoms aren't... funny. ­Supported by a fine cast, Jack Dee delivered a timely reminder that incontinent pigs can mess up your showbiz career. We need more Lead Balloons... and fewer Life Of Rileys.

It may not be ­remembered as the late great John Sullivan's finest work, but Rock & Chips still wipes the floor with most of the dross drama we have to put up with. Packed with great one-liners, BBC1's Only Fools and Horses prequel is what feelgood telly is all about.

Candy Cabs, sexist drivel in which the ­feckless men are always fools and the stereotyped ­women are never dressed. Memo to Claire Sweeney... put your clothes on!

Playing the ­magnificently named Jackie O'Sullivan, ­EastEnders star Jo Joyner's northern accent doesn't get past North London. 'Appen it's Tanya.
Just horrible. Is this what BBC drama has come to?

Stick the fantastically funny spoof documentary Twenty Twelve on BBC1 or BBC2 and we'd have a guaranteed smash hit on our hands. So what do they do? Relegate it to the ratings wasteland of BBC4. ­

Starring dazzling duo Hugh Bonneville and Jessica Hynes, this ­hilarious Olympic farce is must-see TV.

10 O'Clock Live: A load of old clock

With 14 episodes to go (oh God!), let's take the charitable view and call this disaster a work in progress. But boy are this lot going to have to raise their game.