Newsjack Series 22 rejects Page 2

Newsjack. Copyright: BBC.

Newsjack

Topical satirical sketch show on Radio 4 Extra. The programme has an 'open door' policy allowing anyone to submit material

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Gjp69

  • Friday 14th February 2020, 6:03pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 8 posts

My rejects for you

1. The Scottish government is to trial a Canadian scheme which stabilises alcoholics by giving them a shot of alcohol every hour. The trial, known as the Canadian Club, runs seven days a week from 9am until closing time.

2. A bus driver has been praised for saving a passenger's life after a schoolgirl choked on an apple on his bus. The unassuming driver shrugged off the praise saying it was just one of his core duties.

3. Four climbers with no winter equipment and wearing trainers were rescued by a team of helicopters from blizzards on Ben Nevis during Storm Ciara. The men in Pumas said the climbers were idiots.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for Scottish Finance Minister Derek Mackay who had to resign after being caught sending hundreds of texts to a 16 year old boy. It's been a good week for Derek Mackay who will now have loads of spare minutes and texts on his mobile contract next month.

2. It's been a bad week for K-Pop Band GOT7 who were forced to cancel gigs in Bangkok due to the Coronavirus. It's been a good week for British fans of GOT7, as the band are now booked to be on next week's Masked Singer.

3. It's been a bad week for John Bercow after being criticised for naming ex staff in his autobiography without their permission. It's been a good week for Waterstones as readers rushed to Pre-ORDER

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Stobbart42

  • Friday 14th February 2020, 6:39pm
  • Japan
  • 163 posts

Gjp69 - I'm pretty sure your #3 was on the show. The actor did a very good Bercow and shouted "order" several times.

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Gjp69

  • Friday 14th February 2020, 7:27pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 8 posts

Stobart 42 - Yeah when I listened to the show I thought it was mine, but it was a Breaking News and mine was a Good Week / Bad Week version. At least I was on the right lines

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skram

  • Saturday 15th February 2020, 12:29pm
  • Dartmoor, England
  • 68 posts
Quote: KevDP4L @ 14th February 2020, 4:32 PM

Didn't get listening to the show live, but just had a flick through it there to check for myself and sure enough there was a very similar joke. I'll happily admit though the wording on the one used in the show was a lot tighter than my version, so I guess it's fair enough they went with it.

Just send them an email to double-check as that is as near-identical as it gets I think... I had a missed credit once so it's not unheard of for them to miss you by accident.

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Exe Chris

  • Sunday 16th February 2020, 8:09am
  • Exeter, England
  • 78 posts

Some crackers that didn't make it her as per usual. Particularly like the IKEA one, Super spreader, Oscars in the middle of the night, Trainers/Pumas one, VAR, and green fingers gags. Also there were a couple that were on there but with a slight tweak. My rejects this week were:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Following the debate over Huawei, China has warned of a 'witch-hunt'. They say it is centred on Glastonbury but won't divulge how they came across this information.
2. Around 150 Britons are being quarantined near Milton Keynes after arriving from China due to the Corona Virus outbreak. A cause of fear and panic to tens of thousands of people, Milton Keynes is a large town in Buckinghamshire.
3. "A female prisoner at the end of her sentence has been deported to the West Indies"
"Jamaica?"
"Yes, she certainly didn't want to go!"

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a good week for cartoon characters Tom and Jerry who celebrated their 80th birthday.
It's been a bad week for Tom who swallowed the whole birthday cake which could then be seen still in one piece in his stomach.
2. It was a good week for the film '1917' which won 7 Baftas.
It was a bad week for the film '1917' which only won 3 Oscars, mainly as the US audience didn't know when it was set.
3. It's been a good week for 'Parasite', the first foreign language film to win the Oscar for best film.
It's been a better week for 'Parasite', as he was cleared in his impeachment trial...

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BTF

  • Sunday 16th February 2020, 8:54am [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 519 posts

Exe Chris, I like GWBW 3. NJ must have had a number like this but I like the structure of this one.
I like your BN 2. NJ have put this type on before, I think, so definitely on the right lines.

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Danno

  • Sunday 16th February 2020, 10:55am
  • Azerbaijan
  • 307 posts

thanks for sharing everyone, some real little gems in there (that's the funny kind not the leafy kind).

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BTF

  • Sunday 16th February 2020, 12:15pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 519 posts
Quote: Danno @ 16th February 2020, 10:55 AM

thanks for sharing everyone, some real little gems in there (that's the funny kind not the leafy kind).

:D

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Joe Oakes

  • Sunday 16th February 2020, 6:08pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 24 posts

Breaking News:

Boris Johnson has pledged £50bn to improve buses, but is yet to reveal which lies will be printed on them.

Only sent one, wasn't going to bother this series, but was reminded on Tuesday morning here that Newsjack was a thing. Was obvious and a designated target (hence worth a punt), but assume someone else worded it better.

Well done to those who got on, especially BTF, long over-due.

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Con

  • Tuesday 18th February 2020, 3:01pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 2 posts

Slightly late to the party, but last week's rejected ones from me. First ever submissions so wasn't expecting much. Only one I truly liked was BN1, but was perhaps too risqué a subject...

Breaking News:
1) An American military veteran, who faked his own death to avoid child sex abuse charges, has recently been found. Police reports state that he was discovered hiding in the Infantry.
2) A Maryland police officer has been charged with murder after shooting and killing a man handcuffed to the back of his police car. Eyewitnesses say the man called 'shotgun' before the incident.
3) Government officials are believed to be working on a proposal for a bridge connecting Northern Ireland and Scotland. If all goes to plan, it should be completed just in time for both countries to leave the UK.

My GWBW were both terrible:
1) It's been a bad week for Facebook, after Stephen king quit the social networking site due to concerns over false information. It's been a good week for Facebook too, with the level of false information coming from its official account decreasing substantially after being hacked.
2) It's been a good week for British Airways, who were given a helping hand by Storm Ciara to break the record for the fastest transatlantic flight. It's been a bad week for wheelie bins everywhere, who were given a helping hand by Storm Ciara to distribute their contents all over the country.

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DeathbyMonkey

  • Tuesday 18th February 2020, 4:45pm
  • England
  • 708 posts
Quote: Danno @ 13th February 2020, 6:55 PM

Rochdale police are investigating the theft of a collection of expensive Rolex watches. The owner is hoping they'll be returned in Autumn when all the clocks go back.

This is a really nice joke

Quote: Stobbart42 @ 13th February 2020, 7:22 PM

3. In weather news, Storm Ciara has blown her way through the entire United Kingdom, beating Stormy Daniels' record by several million.

This is a great joke but needed to be reworded a bit

Quote: KevDP4L @ 14th February 2020, 3:59 PM

1. A four-year-old Indian boy has had his hand successfully reattached after it was sliced off by a lawnmower. Unfortunately, the accident has left him with green fingers.
2. The Queen's eldest grandson Peter Phillips has split from his wife of 12 years. The news has come as a surprise to the people of the UK who didn't realise the Queen has a grandson called Peter Phillips.

I really like 1 & 2 was definitely on the show!

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electronat

  • Thursday 20th February 2020, 7:27pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 19 posts

Here are mine from this week...

French mayoral candidate drops out over sex video scandal. He doesn't have one.

Flood defences working well says environment secretary from his seaside home in Kensington.

Complaints about new high-interest loans triple. Then triple again. And again.

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BTF

  • Thursday 20th February 2020, 7:33pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 519 posts
Quote: electronat @ 20th February 2020, 7:27 PM

Here are mine from this week...

French mayoral candidate drops out over sex video scandal. He doesn't have one.

Flood defences working well says environment secretary from his seaside home in Kensington.

Complaints about new high-interest loans triple. Then triple again. And again.

Like these. Nice and punchy.

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DeathbyMonkey

  • Thursday 20th February 2020, 7:44pm [Edited]
  • England
  • 708 posts

My efforts this week:

A US firm has given scientific details of its "human composting" process for environmentally friendly funerals. The process involves taking your dead love one, and placing them in the green bin; burial clothes go in the blue one

Police Scotland is facing an "unsustainable" financial deficit, despite receiving more money than expected in this month's budget. Officials warn if this continues it could lead to an increase burglaries and bank robberies, as police look for new sources of funding.

Armed robbers in Hong Kong have sped off with a delivery vehicle containing hundreds of rolls of toilet paper. Police say they don't have a reason for the crime, but they are investigating some skid marks

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:

It's been a bad week for Apple after it warned the coronavirus will hurt iPhone supplies. But it's been a good week for Microsoft as for the first time ever, it hasn't suffered from a virus

It's been a bad week for Downing Street after adviser Andrew Sabisky resigned over his past remarks on pregnancies, eugenics and race. But it's been a good week for the Daily Mail, who have just hired their new chief editor

It's been a good week for Twitter after a new filter that prevents users from receiving unsolicited naked pictures has launched. It's been a bad week for my love life.

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MrLiamArnold

  • Thursday 20th February 2020, 7:59pm
  • Cambridge, United Kingdom
  • 6 posts

My efforts for this week;

1. An Italian mafia boss has been found hiding in a Lancashire caravan park, Genaro Panzuto was wanted for a multitude of crimes including murder, extortion and owning a caravan.
2. Scientists have discovered a hormone found in chocolate that can help men with a low sex drive, a quick twirl can provide a significant boost, leading to a ripple in the trousers.
3. A dispute over a washing machine that lead to police being called at Curry's PC World has been settled, after both parties were found to be going around in cycles.

(Sorry about that one)

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:

1. It's been a good week for the environment after it was proven human compost funerals are more eco-friendly than traditional methods.
It's been a bad week for fans of tough mudder, who really shouldn't slow down.

2. It's been a bad week for French ski resorts after they had to buy in snow for their mountains.
It's been a good week for Mr Frosty, who has made the top one hundred richest entrepreneurs of 2020.