Newsjack Series 22 rejects

Newsjack. Copyright: BBC.

Newsjack

Topical satirical sketch show on Radio 4 Extra. The programme has an 'open door' policy allowing anyone to submit material

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BTF

  • Thursday 13th February 2020, 6:26pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 519 posts

Hi
New thread for rejects.

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Danno

  • Thursday 13th February 2020, 6:55pm
  • Azerbaijan
  • 307 posts

Stick another bone on the fire and gather up some wild berries....the rejects cave dwellers are back!

One of these made the whatever but not the whatever?? think it was probably the silly Boris train one. They're all a bit lemon i reckons..

The General Dental Council has reported a 26% rise in illegal teeth-whitening - but don't laugh because there's nothing to smile about.

Natalie Portman has worn a coat to the Oscars embroidered with the names of snubbed female filmmakers, confusing the bejesus out of the cloakroom attendant when she came back to collect it.

Rochdale police are investigating the theft of a collection of expensive Rolex watches. The owner is hoping they'll be returned in Autumn when all the clocks go back.

It's been a bad week for the Oscars that saw its TV ratings fall to an all-time low.
It's been a good week for the toilet seats at the Vanity Fair After-party, responsible for several all-time highs

It's been a good week for HS2 which finally received the backing of Boris Johnson
It's been a bad week for Boris Johnson's Hornby model railway as he now gets to play with a 'weally, weally big one.' (child's voice)

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DeathbyMonkey

  • Thursday 13th February 2020, 7:15pm
  • England
  • 708 posts

1. A computer scientist who helped the Queen send her first email - in 1976 - has died. Peter Kirstein, dubbed "the European father of the internet" was awarded the honorary titles, CBE, CC, and BCC

2. Ikea has announced the first big closure of a UK outlet. Bosses confirmed the Coventry city centre store will fold, after they managed to get the screws out

3. Illegal teeth-whitening has increased by 26% according to new research. Risks include gum damage, loss of teeth and chemical burns, on the bright side... and on the darkerside, there's an unpleasant yellowy colour.

GW/BW
1. Bad week for an art critic who accidentally destroyed a $20,000 installation at a prestigious art fair in Mexico. But a good week for the artist who has just been nominated for the Turner Prize for "smashed art installation"'

2. Bad week for four people that had to be rescued from Ben Nevis after getting caught in a blizzard with no ice axes or crampons and were wearing trainers. But a worse week for the trainers who were just there preparing for a marathon

3. Good week for the Government after it defied a court order to deport 50 criminals to Jamaica. But also a bad week for Government after breaking the law, they're now getting deported

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BTF

  • Thursday 13th February 2020, 7:20pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 519 posts
Quote: Danno @ 13th February 2020, 6:55 PM

Stick another bone on the fire and gather up some wild berries....the rejects cave dwellers are back!

One of these made the whatever but not the whatever?? think it was probably the silly Boris train one. They're all a bit lemon i reckons..

The General Dental Council has reported a 26% rise in illegal teeth-whitening - but don't laugh because there's nothing to smile about.

Natalie Portman has worn a coat to the Oscars embroidered with the names of snubbed female filmmakers, confusing the bejesus out of the cloakroom attendant when she came back to collect it.

Rochdale police are investigating the theft of a collection of expensive Rolex watches. The owner is hoping they'll be returned in Autumn when all the clocks go back.

It's been a bad week for the Oscars that saw its TV ratings fall to an all-time low.
It's been a good week for the toilet seats at the Vanity Fair After-party, responsible for several all-time highs

It's been a good week for HS2 which finally received the backing of Boris Johnson
It's been a bad week for Boris Johnson's Hornby model railway as he now gets to play with a 'weally, weally big one.' (child's voice)

Personally, I like all of these. Well done. Hey, Danno, why don't you email and find out which one Newsjack used in the recording? Then let us know!

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Stobbart42

  • Thursday 13th February 2020, 7:22pm [Edited]
  • Japan
  • 163 posts

1. A man who brought the coronavirus to the UK from Singapore on an EasyJet flight has been dubbed "The Super Spreader" because he didn't close his legs for the entire flight.

2. Climate activist Greta Thunberg is getting her own BBC reality show. When it airs, it is thought that 10 million people will tune in to watch it. Correction, it is thought that 10 million people will still be alive to watch it.

3. In weather news, Storm Ciara has blown her way through the entire United Kingdom, beating Stormy Daniels' record by several million.

@Danno I loved your Rolex one best. Gave me a proper chuckle.

@Deathbymonkey nice batch overall. I really liked the first BW.

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Kenny Bania

  • Thursday 13th February 2020, 9:40pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 235 posts

Went for the 'less is more' approach this week. Didn't work....

A missing cat has been found alive in an abandoned cinema, proving that not all viewings of Cats in the cinema are a waste of time
( clumsily worded - probably a better joke in there somewhere )

Archaeologists have unearthed a piece from a board game dating back to the Viking age. Yet to be properly identified , it is thought to be either Mrs White, Miss Scarlett or Colonel Mustard
( I like the idea that however far back in time you go, there are people sitting around playing Cluedo )

It's been a bad week for Keir Starmer, after his campaign team were accused of hacking. But a good week for news of the world journalists, who thought they'd never be employed again

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BTF

  • Thursday 13th February 2020, 10:30pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 519 posts
Quote: Kenny Bania @ 13th February 2020, 9:40 PM

Went for the 'less is more' approach this week. Didn't work....

A missing cat has been found alive in an abandoned cinema, proving that not all viewings of Cats in the cinema are a waste of time
( clumsily worded - probably a better joke in there somewhere )

Archaeologists have unearthed a piece from a board game dating back to the Viking age. Yet to be properly identified , it is thought to be either Mrs White, Miss Scarlett or Colonel Mustard
( I like the idea that however far back in time you go, there are people sitting around playing Cluedo )

It's been a bad week for Keir Starmer, after his campaign team were accused of hacking. But a good week for news of the world journalists, who thought they'd never be employed again

I like 1 and 3 and 2 appeals to me as I like Cluedo.

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Goalo

  • Friday 14th February 2020, 11:17am
  • United Kingdom
  • 15 posts
Quote: DeathbyMonkey @ 13th February 2020, 7:15 PM

1. A computer scientist who helped the Queen send her first email - in 1976 - has died. Peter Kirstein, dubbed "the European father of the internet" was awarded the honorary titles, CBE, CC, and BCC

2. Ikea has announced the first big closure of a UK outlet. Bosses confirmed the Coventry city centre store will fold, after they managed to get the screws out

3. Illegal teeth-whitening has increased by 26% according to new research. Risks include gum damage, loss of teeth and chemical burns, on the bright side... and on the darkerside, there's an unpleasant yellowy colour.

GW/BW
1. Bad week for an art critic who accidentally destroyed a $20,000 installation at a prestigious art fair in Mexico. But a good week for the artist who has just been nominated for the Turner Prize for "smashed art installation"'

2. Bad week for four people that had to be rescued from Ben Nevis after getting caught in a blizzard with no ice axes or crampons and were wearing trainers. But a worse week for the trainers who were just there preparing for a marathon

3. Good week for the Government after it defied a court order to deport 50 criminals to Jamaica. But also a bad week for Government after breaking the law, they're now getting deported

I liked the Ikea one

Quote: Stobbart42 @ 13th February 2020, 7:22 PM

1. A man who brought the coronavirus to the UK from Singapore on an EasyJet flight has been dubbed "The Super Spreader" because he didn't close his legs for the entire flight.

2. Climate activist Greta Thunberg is getting her own BBC reality show. When it airs, it is thought that 10 million people will tune in to watch it. Correction, it is thought that 10 million people will still be alive to watch it.

3. In weather news, Storm Ciara has blown her way through the entire United Kingdom, beating Stormy Daniels' record by several million.

@Danno I loved your Rolex one best. Gave me a proper chuckle.

@Deathbymonkey nice batch overall. I really liked the first BW.

Liked the "super spreader" gag

Quote: Kenny Bania @ 13th February 2020, 9:40 PM

Went for the 'less is more' approach this week. Didn't work....

A missing cat has been found alive in an abandoned cinema, proving that not all viewings of Cats in the cinema are a waste of time
( clumsily worded - probably a better joke in there somewhere )

Archaeologists have unearthed a piece from a board game dating back to the Viking age. Yet to be properly identified , it is thought to be either Mrs White, Miss Scarlett or Colonel Mustard
( I like the idea that however far back in time you go, there are people sitting around playing Cluedo )

It's been a bad week for Keir Starmer, after his campaign team were accused of hacking. But a good week for news of the world journalists, who thought they'd never be employed again

NotW journo gag was good - clever I thought

And Danno's Rolex gag is a good one too

Here are mine for this week:

1. A survey into Electric Car usage has revealed their drivers avoid
parts of Wales. To be fair so do the rest of us.
2. With flights so expensive, Boris Johnson has announced he's
now investigating the possibility of building a bridge to Jamaica.
3. Oscars producers have been criticized for falling TV ratings after
deciding to hold the ceremony in the middle of the night.

GW/BW

1. Good week for Pete Buttegieg who's declared himself winner
again/Bad week for Joaquin Phoenix who was sure he'd won an
Oscar.
2. Good week for Australia where heavy rains have finally put out
their bushfires/Bad week for the UK where a few bushfires would be a
welcome change, thank you very much.
3. Good week for dynamite manufacturers as native burial grounds
are blown up in the path of Donald Trump's border wall/Bad week for
small children living in nearby spooky houses

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BTF

  • Friday 14th February 2020, 11:28am
  • United Kingdom
  • 519 posts

Liked all yours Goalo. Can see Newsjack using them..have a feel of the show about some.

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Kenny Bania

  • Friday 14th February 2020, 3:18pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 235 posts
Quote: Goalo @ 14th February 2020, 11:17 AM

I liked the Ikea one

Here are mine for this week:

1. A survey into Electric Car usage has revealed their drivers avoid
parts of Wales. To be fair so do the rest of us.
2. With flights so expensive, Boris Johnson has announced he's
now investigating the possibility of building a bridge to Jamaica.
3. Oscars producers have been criticized for falling TV ratings after
deciding to hold the ceremony in the middle of the night.

GW/BW

1. Good week for Pete Buttegieg who's declared himself winner
again/Bad week for Joaquin Phoenix who was sure he'd won an
Oscar.
2. Good week for Australia where heavy rains have finally put out
their bushfires/Bad week for the UK where a few bushfires would be a
welcome change, thank you very much.
3. Good week for dynamite manufacturers as native burial grounds
are blown up in the path of Donald Trump's border wall/Bad week for
small children living in nearby spooky houses

Goalo

Re 'breaking news '. Like number 2 - and very topical. Number 1 - think you'd need Anne Robinson on the selection panel to help get this one on

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skram

  • Friday 14th February 2020, 3:43pm [Edited]
  • Dartmoor, England
  • 68 posts
Quote: Danno @ 13th February 2020, 6:55 PM

Rochdale police are investigating the theft of a collection of expensive Rolex watches. The owner is hoping they'll be returned in Autumn when all the clocks go back.

Nice.

Quote: DeathbyMonkey @ 13th February 2020, 7:15 PM

Ikea has announced the first big closure of a UK outlet. Bosses confirmed the Coventry city centre store will fold, after they managed to get the screws out

Yes I thought this story was begging for a line but I decided to avoid it as I thought the story was too old...?

Quote: Stobbart42 @ 13th February 2020, 7:22 PM

1. A man who brought the coronavirus to the UK from Singapore on an EasyJet flight has been dubbed "The Super Spreader" because he didn't close his legs for the entire flight.

Funny twist!

Here are my failures:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Scientists have calmed fears over the coronavirus by pointing out that as it originated in China it will probably stop working in 6 months.

2. Storm Ciara has battered the whole of the UK, providing Glaswegians with a tempting alternative to deep-fried Mars Bars.

3. In the wake of the coronavirus epidemic, iPhone manufacturer Foxconn has joined the humanitarian relief effort by switching to manufacturing face masks - the masks will come with integrated Bluetooth and Wi-Fi and retail for £200.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for Manchester United's executive vice-chairman after his house was vandalised by disgruntled supporters; it's been a good week for the attackers who were let off following a review by VAR.

2. It's been a bad week for Uber who announced they lost £850m last quarter; it's been a good week for Uber passenger Sally from Croydon who found most of it down the back of her seat.

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KevDP4L

  • Friday 14th February 2020, 3:59pm
  • Belfast, Northern Ireland
  • 71 posts

Here's my rejects for week 1. My Breaking News gags weren't the greatest this time around, but I think it's the first time since GWBW was introduced that I've been happy with all 3 (or at least I was until none of them got picked for the show Laughing out loud)

Breaking News

1. A four-year-old Indian boy has had his hand successfully reattached after it was sliced off by a lawnmower. Unfortunately, the accident has left him with green fingers.
2. The Queen's eldest grandson Peter Phillips has split from his wife of 12 years. The news has come as a surprise to the people of the UK who didn't realise the Queen has a grandson called Peter Phillips.
3. A woman from Minnesota has been reunited with her lost dog after spotting his picture on the side of a beer can, proving that alcohol can sometimes provide the answer.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:

1. It's been a good week for a restaurant in South Africa after it claimed the world record for having the most milkshake flavours.
It's been a bad week for Nigel Farage, who now has 207 reasons to not visit South Africa.
2. It's been a bad week for Scottish rugby fans after they were criticised for booing the kicker in their Six Nations defeat to England.
It's been a good week for the Scotland rugby team, because for once they weren't the ones being booed.
3. It's been a bad week for Northern Ireland after it was revealed that it could find itself in a different time zone to the rest of the UK under Boris Johnson's Brexit deal.
It's been a good week for the DUP, who still think it's the 1800's anyway.

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BTF

  • Friday 14th February 2020, 4:16pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 519 posts
Quote: KevDP4L @ 14th February 2020, 3:59 PM

Here's my rejects for week 1. My Breaking News gags weren't the greatest this time around, but I think it's the first time since GWBW was introduced that I've been happy with all 3 (or at least I was until none of them got picked for the show Laughing out loud)

Breaking News

1. A four-year-old Indian boy has had his hand successfully reattached after it was sliced off by a lawnmower. Unfortunately, the accident has left him with green fingers.
2. The Queen's eldest grandson Peter Phillips has split from his wife of 12 years. The news has come as a surprise to the people of the UK who didn't realise the Queen has a grandson called Peter Phillips.
3. A woman from Minnesota has been reunited with her lost dog after spotting his picture on the side of a beer can, proving that alcohol can sometimes provide the answer.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:

1. It's been a good week for a restaurant in South Africa after it claimed the world record for having the most milkshake flavours.
It's been a bad week for Nigel Farage, who now has 207 reasons to not visit South Africa.
2. It's been a bad week for Scottish rugby fans after they were criticised for booing the kicker in their Six Nations defeat to England.
It's been a good week for the Scotland rugby team, because for once they weren't the ones being booed.
3. It's been a bad week for Northern Ireland after it was revealed that it could find itself in a different time zone to the rest of the UK under Boris Johnson's Brexit deal.
It's been a good week for the DUP, who still think it's the 1800's anyway.

Wasn't BN2 on the show? I was half asleep and half inebriated though. 1 GWBW I really liked and 3.

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Kenny Bania

  • Friday 14th February 2020, 4:19pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 235 posts

[quote name="KevDP4L" post="1217076" date="14th February 2020, 3:59 PM"]Here's my rejects for week 1. My Breaking News gags weren't the greatest this time around, but I think it's the first time since GWBW was introduced that I've been happy with all 3 (or at least I was until none of them got picked for the show Laughing out loud)

Breaking News

2. The Queen's eldest grandson Peter Phillips has split from his wife of 12 years. The news has come as a surprise to the people of the UK who didn't realise the Queen has a grandson called Peter Phillips.

Thought there was something v similar to this on ?

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KevDP4L

  • Friday 14th February 2020, 4:32pm
  • Belfast, Northern Ireland
  • 71 posts
Quote: BTF @ 14th February 2020, 4:16 PM

Wasn't BN2 on the show? I was half asleep and half inebriated though. 1 GWBW I really liked and 3.

Quote: Kenny Bania @ 14th February 2020, 4:19 PM

[quote name="KevDP4L" post="1217076" date="14th February 2020, 3:59 PM"]Here's my rejects for week 1. My Breaking News gags weren't the greatest this time around, but I think it's the first time since GWBW was introduced that I've been happy with all 3 (or at least I was until none of them got picked for the show Laughing out loud)

Breaking News

2. The Queen's eldest grandson Peter Phillips has split from his wife of 12 years. The news has come as a surprise to the people of the UK who didn't realise the Queen has a grandson called Peter Phillips.

Thought there was something v similar to this on ?

Didn't get listening to the show live, but just had a flick through it there to check for myself and sure enough there was a very similar joke. I'll happily admit though the wording on the one used in the show was a lot tighter than my version, so I guess it's fair enough they went with it.