Newsjack Series 22 rejects Page 9

Newsjack. Copyright: BBC.

Newsjack

Topical satirical sketch show on Radio 4 Extra. The programme has an 'open door' policy allowing anyone to submit material

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Kenny Bania

  • Saturday 14th March 2020, 6:12pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 235 posts

[quote name="skram" post="1218052" date="14th March 2020, 9:51 AM"]This week's failures

2. NASA has successfully grown lettuce in space - they said although the lettuce was quite small it was one giant leaf for mankind.

How did this not get selected ?

I did a really stupid thing last week - I was away for a few days from last Monday afternoon, so sent my attempts in early and in rather a hurry and managed to do it without the attachment

One of my BN's was ;

'The Oxford English Dictionary have been asked by British Gas to replace the term 'gas man' with 'gas engineer' . If agreed, the change will be made next Tuesday between 9am and 1pm '

There was a similar-ish BN about the Tesco delivery driver and his customer. Incidentally, don't know if anyone on here wrote the Tesco delivery GWBW but thought that was very good

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KevDP4L

  • Monday 16th March 2020, 9:18pm
  • Belfast, Northern Ireland
  • 71 posts

A bit late to the party this week, but here are my rejects from last week. Feel like I'm having no luck this series, as this was the second time there's been a joke that was basically the same as mine, but they went with the other version instead!

BREAKING NEWS:

1. A pig has set fire to a farm in Leeds after accidentally swallowing a pedometer. The farm owner says he intends to take steps to prevent it from happening again, although he's not sure how many he needs to take.

(The one they used on the show was "A pig who swallowed a pedometer started a fire when its poo was ignited by a spark from the battery. The farmer is taking steps to ensure it doesn't happen again, but who many steps, who knows?")

2. England rugby prop Joe Marler is set to be banned after groping Wales captain Alyn Wyn Jones. It is thought that Marler misunderstood what his coach meant when he told him to, "Go in for the tackle".

3. The Italian Prime Minister has banned all competitive sports in Italy due to the coronavirus. The plan is thought to be similar to Scotland's, who haven't played sport competitively in years.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:

1. It's been a bad week for the ruler of Dubai after a UK judge ruled that he orchestrated the abduction of two of his daughters.
It's been a good week for corrupt cops in Dubai, as they start to prepare for another police Sheikh-down.

2. It's been a bad week for an Australian family after they accidentally ordered 2,304 toilet rolls online.
It's also been a good week for the family, as they were well prepared when they saw the size of the bill.

3. It's been a bad week for Irish people, after the Irish government cancelled plans for St Patrick's Day celebrations across the country.
It's been a good week for British people, who now get to celebrate two birthdays just by washing their hands.

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skram

  • Tuesday 17th March 2020, 10:53am
  • Dartmoor, England
  • 68 posts
Quote: KevDP4L @ 16th March 2020, 9:18 PM

Feel like I'm having no luck this series, as this was the second time there's been a joke that was basically the same as mine, but they went with the other version instead!

1. A pig has set fire to a farm in Leeds after accidentally swallowing a pedometer. The farm owner says he intends to take steps to prevent it from happening again, although he's not sure how many he needs to take.

(The one they used on the show was "A pig who swallowed a pedometer started a fire when its poo was ignited by a spark from the battery. The farmer is taking steps to ensure it doesn't happen again, but who many steps, who knows?")

Sheesh, I've seen jokes credited with far more editorial changes than that, it's as good as the same. Personally I don't think a polite enquiry is unreasonable to "check you weren't missed off the credits"?

3. The Italian Prime Minister has banned all competitive sports in Italy due to the coronavirus. The plan is thought to be similar to Scotland's, who haven't played sport competitively in years.

I like this one too :DScotland

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Kenny Bania

  • Thursday 19th March 2020, 10:20pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 235 posts

One of these got a nearly but don't know which yet

A man was fined £10,000 after he gained access to Lords cricket ground using a dead man's pass. He claimed that the dead man's family told him he could use the pass to see the ashes

One of the candidates for mayor of Paris wants to turn the city into the world cycling capital. Under their proposals it will be free to take bikes onto the central Paris metro, which will be renamed the inner tube

It's been another bad week for shoppers, as panic buying continued to strip shelves of toilet paper, hand gel and pasta. But a good week for any remaining cast members of Dad's Army, as Private Walker can get them whatever they need

It was a bad week for volunteers after 20,000 daffodils they planted were stolen by thieves. But it will be a good week for the thieves mums, who are in for a lovely surprise on mothers day

It's been a good week for parrots, after scientists discovered they understood the concept of probability. And a good week for the probability of hearing someone say 'Arr, Jim Lad'

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KevDP4L

  • Friday 20th March 2020, 10:27am
  • Belfast, Northern Ireland
  • 71 posts
Quote: Kenny Bania @ 19th March 2020, 10:20 PM

One of these got a nearly but don't know which yet

I'd guess the cricket one - it was better than a lot of the gags that actually made the show, so I'd say it's unlucky you didn't get on with it.

My latest batch of rejects are below. I'm completely shocked that they chose not to broadcast my 3rd GWBW on a BBC radio show Laughing out loud

BREAKING NEWS:

1. A retired pensioner has transformed a £250 prison van into a summer home for his wife. He said he's looking forward to spending the coming months there with the old ball and chain.

2. Arnold Schwarzenegger has appeared in a video alongside his pet pony encouraging people to stay home during the coronavirus outbreak. Arnie reassured fans that he was in good health, however he admitted that his pony was a little hoarse.

3. For the first time in 22 Series, Newsjack is to be recorded without an audience. When we first suggested this was a possibility everyone laughed at us. Well nobody's laughing now are they!

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:

1. It's been a bad week for UK theatres after the government advised them to close because of the coronavirus pandemic. It's been a good week for the Phantom of the Opera, after the government recommended self-isolating and wearing a face mask.

2. It's been a bad week for football fans, after the Premiership announced that all football would be suspended until April. It's been a good week for Norwich City fans, as this will be the longest they've gone without a defeat this season.

3. It's been a bad week for ISIS, after the terrorist group warned its members not to travel to Europe during the coronavirus outbreak. It's been a worse week for people in the UK, after it was revealed that ISIS is doing more to preserve human lives than their own government.

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skram

  • Friday 20th March 2020, 12:56pm
  • Dartmoor, England
  • 68 posts
Quote: Kenny Bania @ 19th March 2020, 10:20 PM

One of these got a nearly but don't know which yet

I think your daffodil one was worthy of getting on!

My rejects:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Boris Johnson has urged Londoners to avoid socialising in pubs saying they would be putting themselves and others in serious danger of being overcharged.

2. Iceland has announced it will open exclusively for the elderly between 8am and 9am - pensioners have welcomed the move although many have said they are struggling to book a flight.

3. An architect who was struck off after posting fake 1 star reviews of business rivals has said he's disappointed things haven't turned out quite how he'd planned them.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a good week for Kiri Pritchard-McLean who won the "Caroline Aherne Bursary for Funny Northern Women"; it's been a bad week for Wales which appears to have been relocated 50 miles up the M62.

2. It's been a bad week for the National Trust who revealed a bizarre collection of items washed up on their beaches, including a can of Russian fly spray; it's been a good week for the local council who have reported a sharp decrease in fly tipping.

3. It's been a bad week for the Arctic Ocean after it was found to have Chlamydia; it's been a good week for tourists there who can now take home more than just memories.

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Rood Eye

  • Friday 20th March 2020, 1:24pm [Edited]
  • England
  • 3,562 posts
Quote: skram @ 20th March 2020, 12:56 PM

Iceland has announced it will open exclusively for the elderly between 8am and 9am - pensioners have welcomed the move although many have said they are struggling to book a flight.

On the face of it, that's a very obvious joke to make (because Iceland is a country as well as a brand name) but because it refers to pensioners, it's a very good joke indeed because the established perception of pensioners is that they're a bit dim. An outrageous perception, of course, but one that is widely accepted in comedy - even by pensioners. Under all the circumstances, that joke should have got in!

Quote: skram @ 20th March 2020, 12:56 PM

An architect who was struck off after posting fake 1 star reviews of business rivals has said he's disappointed things haven't turned out quite how he'd planned them.

Sometimes, the rhythm or perhaps the "elegance" of a sentence can make the difference between a great joke and an average one. I can't help thinking your joke might have made the programme had you ended it with "disappointed things didn't turn out as planned."

Quote: skram @ 20th March 2020, 12:56 PM

It's been a good week for Kiri Pritchard-McLean who won the "Caroline Aherne Bursary for Funny Northern Women"; it's been a bad week for Wales which appears to have been relocated 50 miles up the M62.

That's a decent joke but when I hear Kiri described as a funny northern woman, I have to say the adjectival error that leaps out at me isn't "northern".

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DDP

  • Friday 20th March 2020, 3:15pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 2 posts

Hello all,

I recently discovered Newsjack and decided to give it a try. Unfortunately, I have had no luck with my submissions over the last few weeks (which is not that surprising as I have never tried writing any comedy before).

From browsing this forum I have noticed a fair few of you have had quite a bit of joy with your attempts so I would really appreciate it if you could have a look at my efforts from this week and let me know your opinions.

Please be brutally honest as this will only help me to improve in the future!

BN

1.A new biography of former Speaker John Bercow claims he flew into a rage with his staff after having his toothpaste confiscated at the airport. An insider revealed his appalling behaviour left a really bad taste in everyone's mouth.

2.An education watchdog has warned that the only way to stop the dramatic increase in students paying companies to write their essays for them is by introducing new legislation. Lawmakers say this may take some time, although one website is offering to do it for the knock-down price of 200 quid.

3.Scientists have discovered chlamydia living in the Arctic Ocean. This came as a surprise to the researchers, as they had only expected to find crabs.

GW/BW

1.It's been a good week for Donald Trump after he tested negative for coronavirus. It's been a bad week for his wife Melania as she now has to come up with another excuse for not wanting him anywhere near her.

2.It's been a good week for many charities with Sport Relief raising more than £40 million. It's been a bad week for many viewers who have had to watch Paddy McGuinness for five hours.

3.It's been a good week for cattle farmers after the US finally lifted a twenty-four year ban on British beef. It's been a bad week for American consumers who don't like their steak really, really well aged.

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Rood Eye

  • Friday 20th March 2020, 4:34pm [Edited]
  • England
  • 3,562 posts
Quote: DDP @ 20th March 2020, 3:15 PM

A new biography of former Speaker John Bercow claims he flew into a rage with his staff after having his toothpaste confiscated at the airport. An insider revealed his appalling behaviour left a really bad taste in everyone's mouth.

That's a decent joke but, for me, it needs to be snappier.

How about "In John Bercow's new biography, we're told that a fit of rage due having his toothpaste confiscated at an airport left a bad taste in everybody's mouth."?

Quote: DDP @ 20th March 2020, 3:15 PM

An education watchdog has warned that the only way to stop the dramatic increase in students paying companies to write their essays for them is by introducing new legislation. Lawmakers say this may take some time, although one website is offering to do it for the knock-down price of 200 quid.

I think that's one of the very many jokes submitted to comedy competitions that reads and sounds like a decent joke but, upon further analysis, turns out not to work.

Unless I'm much mistaken, the joke only works if the £200 legal document is plagiarised or otherwise fraudulent - whereas, in your joke, there is no suggestion that it wouldn't be a legitimate and original legal work.

Quote: DDP @ 20th March 2020, 3:15 PM

Scientists have discovered chlamydia living in the Arctic Ocean. This came as a surprise to the researchers, as they had only expected to find crabs.

A decent joke but again I'd like it snappier. Something like "Scientists who discovered chlamydia in the Arctic Ocean said they were surprised as they were only expecting crabs."

Quote: DDP @ 20th March 2020, 3:15 PM

It's been a good week for Donald Trump after he tested negative for coronavirus. It's been a bad week for his wife Melania as she now has to come up with another excuse for not wanting him anywhere near her.

That would be a decent joke if it wasn't simply a reworking of a trillion other anti-Trump jokes trotted out every week by NewsJack hopefuls - and TV comedians.

Quote: DDP @ 20th March 2020, 3:15 PM

It's been a good week for many charities with Sport Relief raising more than £40 million. It's been a bad week for many viewers who have had to watch Paddy McGuinness for five hours.

That's a decent joke but "many viewers" should be shortened to "viewers", and "who have had" should be shortened to "who had". I wouldn't have been at all surprised if they'd included that one.

Quote: DDP @ 20th March 2020, 3:15 PM

It's been a good week for cattle farmers after the US finally lifted a twenty-four year ban on British beef. It's been a bad week for American consumers who don't like their steak really, really well aged.

There's a joke in there somewhere but it doesn't work in its present form. If offered the opportunity to buy 24-year-old steaks, American consumers would not be at all inconvenienced (and in no way would it have been a bad week for them). They'd simply refuse the offer and buy fresh meat from the almost infinite supply available to them.

In summary, you clearly have talent as a comedy writer so don't give up after a few rejections from NewsJack.

NewsJack is by no means the sole arbiter of what's funny and what's not. It's entirely usual for them to broadcast relatively poor material and to reject relatively good material.

If there's one thing we all know about comedy, it's that it's very very subjective.

Carry on writing!

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Kenny Bania

  • Friday 20th March 2020, 9:46pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 235 posts
Quote: DDP @ 20th March 2020, 3:15 PM

Hello all,

I recently discovered Newsjack and decided to give it a try. Unfortunately, I have had no luck with my submissions over the last few weeks (which is not that surprising as I have never tried writing any comedy before).

From browsing this forum I have noticed a fair few of you have had quite a bit of joy with your attempts so I would really appreciate it if you could have a look at my efforts from this week and let me know your opinions.

Please be brutally honest as this will only help me to improve in the future!

BN

1.A new biography of former Speaker John Bercow claims he flew into a rage with his staff after having his toothpaste confiscated at the airport. An insider revealed his appalling behaviour left a really bad taste in everyone's mouth.

2.An education watchdog has warned that the only way to stop the dramatic increase in students paying companies to write their essays for them is by introducing new legislation. Lawmakers say this may take some time, although one website is offering to do it for the knock-down price of 200 quid.

3.Scientists have discovered chlamydia living in the Arctic Ocean. This came as a surprise to the researchers, as they had only expected to find crabs.

GW/BW

1.It's been a good week for Donald Trump after he tested negative for coronavirus. It's been a bad week for his wife Melania as she now has to come up with another excuse for not wanting him anywhere near her.

2.It's been a good week for many charities with Sport Relief raising more than £40 million. It's been a bad week for many viewers who have had to watch Paddy McGuinness for five hours.

3.It's been a good week for cattle farmers after the US finally lifted a twenty-four year ban on British beef. It's been a bad week for American consumers who don't like their steak really, really well aged.

Hello DDP.

I've been submitting to NJ since 2017 and managed to get something on in Feb 2018 but since then zilch bar a few nearlys, but I still enjoy having a go, . I'm not in the comedy 'industry' ( I'm a mobile bookseller, or I was until the last few days....... ) -but if you google some of the names in the credits however, you'll find a fair number of the writers are, and if you throw in some of the regulars on the forum who aren't pro comedy writers but probably easily could be, it means it's quite a competitive arena

Your rejects strike me as a pretty decent set. I like GW/ BW 2 and 3, although I'd change 'watch' Paddy McGuinness to 'endure' P McG, and as previously said I'd avoid Trump stuff unless you have a really fresh take on something. When read aloud BN2 has what strikes me as too long an opening sentence. I'd probably be tempted to go with ' New legislation may be introduced to stop the increase in students paying companies to write their essays. Legally this may take time, although one website is offering to do it for £200 '

As well as listening to the show, I'd also say it's worth having a trawl back through the rejects to look at the strength of some of the material - particularly when there are a lot of takes on the same story

Good luck

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DDP

  • Saturday 21st March 2020, 6:01pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 2 posts

Thanks for the feedback guys.

I agree that I definitely need to tighten up my wording for one-liners and stay away from the Trump stuff.

It's also interesting to see the jokes you preferred as it's hard to tell how they will go over when you are writing them.

All in all I enjoyed the process of writing so I will definitely try again next series.

Thanks again,
DDP

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skram

  • Sunday 22nd March 2020, 1:25pm
  • Dartmoor, England
  • 68 posts

Any more rejects? I like reading this thread more than listening to NJ, more rejects please!

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Exe Chris

  • Sunday 22nd March 2020, 10:26pm
  • Exeter, England
  • 78 posts

My efforts this week were pretty lame I'm afraid. Didn't think the episode was that great, not sure if because of lack of audience noise but I didn't laugh much at all.
BREAKING NEWS:

1. Workers need a skill boost so robots don't take their jobs in the future analysts claim; programs have started to teach them which pictures contains traffic lights.
2. Dolly Parton has raised the possibility of being on the cover of Playboy again as she hits 75. Sadly, in the 43 years since she was last on she's gone from a 9 to a 5...
3. As ITV soaps include messages regarding the importance of hand-washing, the BBC is going one step further by instead of being known as 'Aunty' it will now be known as 'Anti-Bac'

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for the European President who announced he is self isolating.
It's been a good week for British MEP's who self-isolated 7 weeks ago.
2. Good week for some of the most vulnerable members of society as some Iceland stores introduce an elderly shopping hour.
Bad week for mums as they are now considered elderly.

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Rood Eye

  • Sunday 22nd March 2020, 10:44pm [Edited]
  • England
  • 3,562 posts

Looking at ExeChris's submissions above, I have to say I think they're very good indeed - with the exception of the "Iceland mums" joke which took me eight hours to get and which, if I actually do get it, doesn't work.

If the joke is "Mums go to Iceland, the elderly go to Iceland, therefore mums are elderly" it doesn't work because it's as illogical as saying "Mums breathe air, bus drivers breathe air, therefore mums are bus drivers."

Of course, it's entirely possible that I've completely misunderstood it and it's an absolutely brilliant joke that I simply don't understand. Laughing out loud

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Exe Chris

  • Monday 23rd March 2020, 8:12am
  • Exeter, England
  • 78 posts
Quote: Rood Eye @ 22nd March 2020, 10:44 PM

Looking at ExeChris's submissions above, I have to say I think they're very good indeed - with the exception of the "Iceland mums" joke which took me eight hours to get and which, if I actually do get it, doesn't work.

If the joke is "Mums go to Iceland, the elderly go to Iceland, therefore mums are elderly" it doesn't work because it's as illogical as saying "Mums breathe air, bus drivers breathe air, therefore mums are bus drivers."

Of course, it's entirely possible that I've completely misunderstood it and it's an absolutely brilliant joke that I simply don't understand. Laughing out loud

No - re-reading it, it doesn't really make any sense at all. I was struggling (even more than usual) for GWBWs and had an idea about Iceland and mum's, but as you rightly point out, it doesn't work in the slightest.