Newsjack Series 22 rejects Page 7

Newsjack. Copyright: BBC.

Newsjack

Topical satirical sketch show on Radio 4 Extra. The programme has an 'open door' policy allowing anyone to submit material

Avatar

BTF

  • Friday 28th February 2020, 5:37pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 519 posts
Quote: JonT @ 28th February 2020, 3:53 PM

My rejects are below, first NJ submission this series. Looking again, they're probably either too obvious or too convoluted.

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Boris Johnson has faced criticism for refusing to visit flood-hit areas. Affected communities have been advised to try to lure the Prime Minister out by using their submerged high streets to hold a regatta.

2. Priti Patel has denied accusations of bullying. She added that those making the allegations will be subject to hair pulling, abusive instagram posts and having their heads flushed down the toilet.

3. A far-right eugenicist with a hatred of women and foreigners ... I'm sorry, the end of that headline is missing, but it's either "has attacked a mosque" or "has been appointed policy advisor at Number Ten".

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for Italian football, as games were postponed due to coronavirus. But it's been a good week for Man United fans, who face the chance that if they sneeze enough, Liverpool's title win could still be cancelled.

2. It's been a bad week for holiday makers in the Canary Islands, as Saharan dust storms hit resorts. But it's been a good week for one local, whose house broke the record for the world's biggest sandcastle.

Like GWBW 2

Just listened. Not as strong as last week. A lot of strong BNs. Not so keen on GWBWs am afraid. Sketches variable. Liked Audit Chris' sketch on Trump.

Audit Chris - was that your line on the violin?

Avatar

Exe Chris

  • Friday 28th February 2020, 9:24pm [Edited]
  • Exeter, England
  • 78 posts

Here's my goes for this week; the first one did make it but is a fairly weak pun.

BREAKING NEWS:

1. Surgeons at a London Hospital performed brain surgery on a accomplished violinist as she played the violin. Afterwards the surgeons described the operation as "very fiddly".
2. Students are facing disruption as staff at 74 universities across the UK start strike action. The action is due to affect students for 14 working days and so will finish around mid-April.
3. A 62-year-old former US Marine has broken the world planking record. His time was over 8 hours, or as he prefers to call it, "2 by 4 hours".

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:

1. It's been a good week for Glasgow after it is used for location filming for the new film "The Batman"
It's been a bad week for Glasgow after residents realise that it's been used because of it's resemblance to a dark, dystopian, troubled city.
2. It's been a good week for Justin Bieber as he beats a chart record set by Elvis Presley.
It's been a bad week for music lovers.
3. It's been a good week for non-white people with cuts as Tesco introduce a range of plasters of different skin tones.
It's been a bad week for them when they realise it still hurts like hell when the plasters are torn off.

Here's my sketch. I thought it had legs but I was never very happy with it however I tried to complete it.

KIRI : A woman undergoing brain surgery at a London Hospital last week played the violin during the operation so that the surgeons knew they weren't damaging the parts of the brain that helped her play. Now that is the very definition of a 'fiddly operation'! This is ironic because because my ex was banned from his local GP's surgery because when she was assessing him he kept playing with his organ.
It does make you wonder how the surgery went down...

NURSE : Now Mrs Williams, you're all prepped for surgery but with the tubes and things you can't talk, so if you could respond with the violin, maybe one note for yes and two for no?
FX : Single violin note
NURSE : And you're all happy to proceed?
FX : Single violin note
NURSE : Now the surgeon is here and is about to make the first incision
FX : Quick burst of "Jaws" theme on violin
SURGEON : (laughing) Ha ha! No there is nothing to worry about.
FX : Sound of sawing to indicate surgery (FADES IN AND OUT TO DENOTE TIME PASSING)
SURGEON : Well Mrs Williams we're all done and I think it went really well. How do you feel?
FX : Quick burst of "Flight of the bumblebee" on violin
SURGEON : I'm sorry I don't understand?
FX : Another quick burst of "Flight of the bumblebee" on violin
NURSE : Flight of the bumblebee, I see! Of course it is going to sting at this stage.
FX : Quick burst of "Funeral March" on violin
SURGEON : No there's nothing to worry about!
FX : Quick burst of "Here comes the bride" on violin
SURGEON : I'm sorry I don't understand?
NURSE : Are you asking if the surgeon is married?
FX : Single violin note
NURSE : Yes, he is actually married to me!
FX : Single violin note (like a flatlining monitor) that carries on until....
END

Avatar

BTF

  • Friday 28th February 2020, 10:23pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 519 posts
Quote: Exe Chris @ 28th February 2020, 9:24 PM

Here's my goes for this week; the first one did make it but is a fairly weak pun.

BREAKING NEWS:

1. Surgeons at a London Hospital performed brain surgery on a accomplished violinist as she played the violin. Afterwards the surgeons described the operation as "very fiddly".
2. Students are facing disruption as staff at 74 universities across the UK start strike action. The action is due to affect students for 14 working days and so will finish around mid-April.
3. A 62-year-old former US Marine has broken the world planking record. His time was over 8 hours, or as he prefers to call it, "2 by 4 hours".

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:

1. It's been a good week for Glasgow after it is used for location filming for the new film "The Batman"
It's been a bad week for Glasgow after residents realise that it's been used because of it's resemblance to a dark, dystopian, troubled city.
2. It's been a good week for Justin Bieber as he beats a chart record set by Elvis Presley.
It's been a bad week for music lovers.
3. It's been a good week for non-white people with cuts as Tesco introduce a range of plasters of different skin tones.
It's been a bad week for them when they realise it still hurts like hell when the plasters are torn off.

Here's my sketch. I thought it had legs but I was never very happy with it however I tried to complete it.

KIRI : A woman undergoing brain surgery at a London Hospital last week played the violin during the operation so that the surgeons knew they weren't damaging the parts of the brain that helped her play. Now that is the very definition of a 'fiddly operation'! This is ironic because because my ex was banned from his local GP's surgery because when she was assessing him he kept playing with his organ.
It does make you wonder how the surgery went down...

NURSE : Now Mrs Williams, you're all prepped for surgery but with the tubes and things you can't talk, so if you could respond with the violin, maybe one note for yes and two for no?
FX : Single violin note
NURSE : And you're all happy to proceed?
FX : Single violin note
NURSE : Now the surgeon is here and is about to make the first incision
FX : Quick burst of "Jaws" theme on violin
SURGEON : (laughing) Ha ha! No there is nothing to worry about.
FX : Sound of sawing to indicate surgery (FADES IN AND OUT TO DENOTE TIME PASSING)
SURGEON : Well Mrs Williams we're all done and I think it went really well. How do you feel?
FX : Quick burst of "Flight of the bumblebee" on violin
SURGEON : I'm sorry I don't understand?
FX : Another quick burst of "Flight of the bumblebee" on violin
NURSE : Flight of the bumblebee, I see! Of course it is going to sting at this stage.
FX : Quick burst of "Funeral March" on violin
SURGEON : No there's nothing to worry about!
FX : Quick burst of "Here comes the bride" on violin
SURGEON : I'm sorry I don't understand?
NURSE : Are you asking if the surgeon is married?
FX : Single violin note
NURSE : Yes, he is actually married to me!
FX : Single violin note (like a flatlining monitor) that carries on until....
END

Like all your jokes. Personally I love the sketch premise.

Avatar

Rood Eye

  • Friday 28th February 2020, 10:38pm [Edited]
  • England
  • 3,563 posts
Quote: Exe Chris @ 28th February 2020, 9:24 PM

A 62-year-old former US Marine has broken the world planking record. His time was over 8 hours, or as he prefers to call it, "2 by 4 hours".

That's very clever - and far too good for NewsJack! Laughing out loud

Avatar

Patrick Robinson

  • Friday 28th February 2020, 11:18pm
  • Birmingham, United Kingdom
  • 118 posts

Hi all. Nothing for my three breaking news this week:

1. 15 years since the show ended, the cast of the sitcom Friends will be back on TV for a reunion show. David Schwimmer said "WE WERE ON A BREAK".

2. Bank of England releases new £20 note with an image of J.M.W Turner and his quote "light is therefore colour". Other rejected quotes from the painter were: "Pass the snuff box" and "Can you move that ship out the way, I'm trying paint that bloody sunset".

3. Parliament will vote on a decision to create an opt out system for organ donation. My heart's not in it.

Jokes on this thread that I thought were great (and better than some of the choices that got recorded):

KevPAL: arm trapped in Chesterfield
LiamArnold: booking fee gag
StobbartY2: Trump and plasters
Skram: Axminster carpets and Control Alt deceased was great
ExeChris: 2 by 4 hours

All the best for next week.

Avatar

MIke Cooper RP

  • Saturday 29th February 2020, 10:17am
  • Stourport-on-Severn, United Kingdom
  • 9 posts
Quote: Exe Chris @ 28th February 2020, 9:24 PM

A 62-year-old former US Marine has broken the world planking record. His time was over 8 hours, or as he prefers to call it, "2 by 4 hours".

Agreed, that's an absolute belter.

Avatar

DeathbyMonkey

  • Sunday 1st March 2020, 10:04pm
  • England
  • 708 posts
Quote: Exe Chris @ 28th February 2020, 9:24 PM

3. A 62-year-old former US Marine has broken the world planking record. His time was over 8 hours, or as he prefers to call it, "2 by 4 hours".

It's a really nice joke but the wording of the punchline kind of steps on the punch a bit

And here are mine (I'm doing better on Breaking the News than I am on Newsjack so far this series)

BREAKING NEWS:
1. A US daredevil has been killed trying to prove the Earth isn't round using a homemade steam-powered rocket. Friends said the man died the way he lived, as a committed flat Earther
2. West Midlands police officers were baffled when they attended a robbery to find a duck had been left behind by the thieves. Officials say they don't have much in the way of evidence, but they are hoping the duck can quack the case
3. The owner of the Sun lost £68m last year as newspaper sales fell and the company continued to deal with the fallout of the phone-hacking scandal. The chief editor said they need to do better, so will take a long hard look in the Mirror

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. Good week for children aged 11 and under as they will no longer be taught to head footballs during training in England, Scotland and Northern Ireland. But bad week for the Welsh football team as they have never been taught how to play with their heads, chest, knees or feet
2. Good week for the owner of a border collie from Northumberland after selling it to an American ranch owner for £18,900. But bad week for the sheepdog, as it now doesn't earn enough to work in the UK
3. Bad week for a school that courted controversy after suggesting students try toe-sucking as an alternative to sex. But a worse week for my paediatrist after I accidentally got my feet pregnant

Avatar

Wishus

  • Monday 2nd March 2020, 12:30pm
  • Northampton, England
  • 133 posts

I can barely get on this website as my mostly use my phone to look at it on the bus. Busy, busy, busy! But I'd just like to say, my fellow rejects, so many, many good jokes left to melt on the slush pile. Bravo!

My contributions have suffered from a distinct lack of time to write this series, hence I am not hitting the full quota every time.

Here we go though.
Week 1
BREAKING NEWS:
1. The Government has promised to invest £5 billion in bus services. The Opposition says it might be more eco-friendly, but they shouldn't make the buses out of trees, as they keep axing the routes.
2. MSPs have argued against the use of facial recognition technology by police in Scotland. However, they deny that this is because it keeps mistaking Nicola Sturgeon for Jeanette Krankie.
GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a good week for Marmite: with their LGBT+ campaign, it's now the spread everyone likes. It's been a bad week for Steve Walsh, after infecting 11 people with the Corona Virus, he's the Superspreader nobody likes.
2. It's been a bad week for an art critic in Mexico who accidentally shattered an installation by placing a drinks can on it. It's been a worse week for all the critics who've done the same with Tracey Emin's pieces because nobody's noticed. (others here have done similar, much better)
3. It's been a bad week for the nation's garden fences as Storm Ciara has caused many to be blown down. It's been a good week for me, as I can now watch Eastenders on my neighbour's massive telly.
week2
BREAKING NEWS:
1. Yet more Billie Eilish news as the singer reveals that she and her brother wrote the James Bond theme tune on their bunk beds. So now it's our heads they keep banging with it. (it made sense when I wrote it)
2. A man in Hampshire has described the sight of oranges growing in his back garden as "a miracle". You're telling me, it's amazing, especially with all this inclementine weather.
3. Following reports that Boris Johnson wants to see the BBC "massively pruned", we hear that high salary-earner Graham Norton has decided to spend the whole week in the bath. (husband feedback: "I don't get it". Fair enough!)
GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's a good week for Friends fans as David Schwimmer is going to read a bedtime story on CBeebies this weekend. It's a bad week for all the people who want Tom Hardy to come back and do it - he is on a break! (I see this line was used on a different topic by someone else. Maybe it's too much of a cliche)
2. It's been a bad week for meat-eaters at property developer Igloo Regenerations, as the firm won't reimburse any expenses for meat-based food. It's been a good week for Doris their caterer as she makes a mean ham sandwich... Very mean... No ham. (A very old joke of mine, recycled badly).
3. It's been a good week for astronauts on board the International Space Station, as a new antenna means they can send data via a broadband-type link rather than sending discs back to Earth. It's bad news for anyone waiting for Major Tim Peake's old Love Film DVDs to be sent back then.
week 3
BREAKING NEWS:
1. Young drivers using an app to measure their driving performance for cheaper insurance have complained that the software, made by Carrot, is full of holes. Carrot is blaming Bugs. (makes no sense)

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for Carrot Insurance after their app recorded some users' train travel as car journeys and marked them as speeding. It's been a good week, for once, for those users traveling by South Western Railway, as they were unlikely to ever hit the speed limit. (just poor)
2. It's been a bad week for Yorkshire Tea, after consumers threatened a boycott following new Chancellor Rishi Sunak posting on Twitter that he was making a brew for his team. It's been a good week for anti-capitalists to complain, because all proper tea is theft.
3. It's been a bad week for Priti Patel after The Sunday Times claimed spy agency MI5 officials do not trust her. It's been a good week for Jacob Rees-Mogg, as it looks like he isn't the only sleeper in the House of Commons.

So, my friends, I am off the boil somewhat. And only one sketch sent for the first three weeks. Here it is.

THE MASKED CABINET
KIRI: Unicorn. Chameleon. Duck. No, not my pet names for the Newsjack cast. Just some of the characters whose identities we failed to guess before they were unveiled on The Masked Singer. And now, all the masks are off and we have our winner. And we're still none the wiser. And that's very much the same for some of the new members of Boris's reshuffled cabinet. I mean, never mind Defense Secretary, I thought Ben Wallace stood a really good chance of being Hedgehog. I have no idea who some of them are. I think it may actually have helped if they'd dressed up like a football mascot on Drag Race and given us a few clues on a bit of VT.
GRAMS: MASKED SINGER THEME TUNE
JOEL: So panel, you've already heard them sing Snap's "I Got the Power" but just who is our masked singer Turtle? If anything you already know this turtle is not shy...
WOSSY: Yeah, but he is a bit of a shy turtle, knowwaddImean?
JOEL: Shut up, Wossy. Anyway could this bit of VT help?
GRAMS: MASKED SINGER THEME TUNE
FX: DISTORTED VOICE FOR TURTLE
TURTLE: I've always been destined for greatness. I'm not just any politician.
DAVINA: OOH I know, not just any something... Marks and Spencers. It's Mark Spencer.
WOSSY: You've made that up.
DAVINA: I wish I hadn't.

TURTLE: But I am not one for staying inside my shell. I even used to be a bit of a stand-up.
WOSSY: Someone who thinks he's funny. Could be Boris. Could be Dominic Raab, that thing he said about not knowing how reliant we were on imports between Dover and Calais was hilarious.
TURTLE: But really, I should have been Prime Minister. Why wouldn't they let me be Prime Minister?
DAVINA: Delusions of grandeur... Oh I don't know, it could be any of them!
TURTLE: But you know what they say. Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer. Anyway, I'm hoping my next song will be an extraordinary rendition...
WOSSY: Extraordinary rendition! Someone who gets people out of the country so they can be tortured somewhere else. Is it Priti Patel?
TURTLE: Of Boris Johnson!
GRAMS: MASKED SINGER THEME TUNE
JOEL: So panel you've heard all the clues. Any ideas who this member of the new Conservative Cabinet is?
KEN: I know exactly who this is. Hates Boris Johnson, wants to be PM. I know nothing about how British Politics works... Jeremy Corbyn, welcome to the Masked Singer.
JOEL: It's time to reveal who Turtle is. Come on everyone, let's chant. Take it off, take it off, take it off.
TURTLE: Er, take what off?
JOEL: Your Turtle mask.
TURTLE: I'm not wearing a mask.
JOEL: Oh. Well this is awkward.
(PAUSE) Everybody it's Michael Gove!
GRAMS: MASKED SINGER THEME TUNE

END

Think this suffered from a lack of consistency. They're politicians, not singers!

Avatar

DeathbyMonkey

  • Thursday 5th March 2020, 5:56pm
  • England
  • 708 posts

As I got the nearly I thought I'd post the sketch I really hope it was for:

IKEAS GUIDE TO SEX

KIRI: Retail giant IKEA has launched its own version of the ancient Indian Sanskrit guide to sex, love and eroticism - the Kama Sutra. Fortunately I don't need any help from IKEA as I've become extremely good at DIY. But how many couples will use this guide to improve their sex lives?
ATMOS: BEDROOM
GRAMS: SEXY MUSIC
GWENDOLYN: Morgan, this IKEA guide is just the sort of thing we need to spice up our marriage. Which position should we try first?
FX: PAGE TURNING
MORGAN: Let's go with... the Billy Bookcase.
GWENDOLYN: [SEXILY] Oooh, that sounds dirty, how do we do that one?
MORGAN: Apparently I put you up against the wall and then...
FX: PAGE TURNING
MORGAN: Put my books inside of you?
GWENDOLYN: You what? Morgan you great pillock! That's the instruction guide to building a Billy bookcase. Give it here.
FX: PAGE TURNING
GWENDOLYN: Let's try the Lotus Flower, it looks proper raunchy.
MORGAN: Oh wow, it has a picture guide and everything!
GWENDOLYN: So apparently according to this, you need to kiss spot e, f and g.
MORGAN: Wait, where's spot g? I can't find the g spot.
GWENDOLYN: I know, I am fully aware of that Morgan...
MORGAN: [AWKARD SHUFFLING] Now it says I need to put knob a, in slot b.
FX: WOOD SAWING
GWENDOLYN: Wait. I don't think it will fit in that position...
MORGAN: And then just screw it in...
FX: MECHANICAL DRILL
GWENDOLYN: Stop! Stop! That's the wrong slot! This isn't working... I think we need to call the helpline.
FX: PHONE RINGING
SVEN: Hullo! I am Sven. How may I be of assistance?
GWENDOLYN: Hi we're trying the Lotus Flower but we're struggling to put it together.
SVEN: Have you mounted the Stodis bracket onto the wall yet?
GWENDOLYN: Stodis bracket? We don't have a stodis bracket.
SVEN: That is kind of a vital component. I'll dispatch one to you right away, it will take between four to six weeks
GWENDOLYN: Four to six weeks!? But we're right in the middle of it now!
SVEN: Well you're welcome to try my Swedish meatballs while you wait.
GWENDOLYN: No thank you!
FX: PHONE SLAM
MORGAN: I have an idea. [SEXILY] Why don't you give me the Allen key [SEXY PURR].
GWENDOLYN: Allen key? I don't see that position in here...
MROGAN: No the Allen key, we still haven't finished putting together this IKEA bed yet...
GWENDOLYN: [SIGH] I think this may turn out to be a three-man job...
MORGAN: You're talking about the bed right?
GWENDOLYN: ...Uhm...yup...
END

Avatar

Auditchris

  • Thursday 5th March 2020, 6:38pm
  • Tunbridge Wells, United Kingdom
  • 134 posts

Great sketch DeathbyMonkey. Taking something and making it 'sexy' is very Newsjack!

Avatar

Wishus

  • Thursday 5th March 2020, 6:47pm
  • Northampton, England
  • 133 posts

Great sketch, DeathbyMonkey!

Avatar

BTF

  • Thursday 5th March 2020, 6:57pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 519 posts

Like sketch Deathbymonkey.

Avatar

skram

  • Thursday 5th March 2020, 8:40pm
  • Dartmoor, England
  • 68 posts

Here are my rejects then:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Reports say that illegal drugs are now as easy to get as pizza, although you don't get a free garlic bread on Tuesdays.

2. A face-collecting company has had its database hacked - police are struggling to identify the culprits.

3. Nando's faced criticism this week when it was reported that they are not paying their staff for cleaning. Management have apologised, saying they are "Peri-peri sorry" and would like to wipe the slate clean.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for Trevor, the world's loneliest duck, who died this week; it was a good week for guests at his cremation, where he was served with a side of plum sauce.

2. It's been a good week for Boris Johnson who announced his engagement and forthcoming baby; it's been a bad week for the Tories as Boris sends another woman into Labour.

3. It's been a bad week for a German fashion company after they were ridiculed by comedian Joe Lycett changing his name to "Hugo Boss"; it's been a good week for Joe's Mum who no longer has to iron his name inside his clothes.

Avatar

KevDP4L

  • Friday 6th March 2020, 12:08pm
  • Belfast, Northern Ireland
  • 71 posts

Six more rejects for me this week:

BREAKING NEWS:

1. The Louvre Museum has been forced to close this week. The decision was reached after staff determined there was too much risk posed by the Corona Lisa.

2. Rapper Flavor Flav has left hip-hop group Public Enemy after 35 years. He said a huge weight has now been lifted off his shoulders, although he may have just been referring to the clock he used to wear.

3. 10 Scottish people have been released from the quarantined hotel in Tenerife. Staff said the decision was made as they could no longer afford the costs of replenishing their mini bars.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:

1. It's been a good week for an 11-year-old amputee, who received a phone call from Mark Hamill after she got an R2-D2 bionic arm.
It's been a bad week for other Star Wars fans, who'd trade an arm AND a leg to get a phone call from Mark Hamill.

2. It's been a bad week for Europeans after the risk of coronavirus in the EU has risen to its second highest level.
It's been a good week for the UK, which is now safely outside the EU.

3. It's been a bad week for Donald Trump after his former doctor revealed he hid vegetables in his food to help him lose weight.
It's also been a good week for Donald Trump, because he ate up all his veggies like a big boy! (This one was from last week's news, but thought I'd chance my arm with it!)

Avatar

TheTrashBat

  • Friday 6th March 2020, 12:14pm
  • Dorset, United Kingdom
  • 75 posts
Quote: skram @ 5th March 2020, 8:40 PM

Here are my rejects then:

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for Trevor, the world's loneliest duck, who died this week; it was a good week for guests at his cremation, where he was served with a side of plum sauce.

I LOVE this!

The other GW/BWs were good too and seemed ideal for NJ, but this one is a belter!