Newsjack Series 22 rejects Page 8

Newsjack. Copyright: BBC.

Newsjack

Topical satirical sketch show on Radio 4 Extra. The programme has an 'open door' policy allowing anyone to submit material

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Rood Eye

  • Friday 6th March 2020, 2:05pm
  • England
  • 3,563 posts
Quote: skram @ 5th March 2020, 8:40 PM

It's been a bad week for Trevor, the world's loneliest duck, who died this week; it was a good week for guests at his cremation, where he was served with a side of plum sauce.

It's certainly funny in a rather macabre way but might I suggest it would have improved very significantly with just a couple of tiny tweaks thus:

It's been a bad week for Trevor, the world's loneliest duck, who died this week; it was a good week for guests at his cremation, where Trevor was served up with a side of plum sauce.

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Patrick Robinson

  • Friday 6th March 2020, 3:25pm [Edited]
  • Birmingham, United Kingdom
  • 118 posts

Nothing doing from my Breaking News this week:

1. Poet Laureate, Simon Armitage shared plans for a national poetry centre in Leeds. Early designs for the headquarters referred to walls that climbed like daffodils in spring and foundations that were rooted like the melody of a song.

2. Recently released archives describe how Margaret Thatcher used to name some of her clothes after important people she met eg: "Pink Chanel Gorbachev". I do the very same thing, for example I call my big blue pants "John the Gas Man".

3. Volkswagen were fined £709 million for manipulating data from car emissions. Bosses were fuming.

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BTF

  • Friday 6th March 2020, 6:13pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 519 posts
Quote: skram @ 5th March 2020, 8:40 PM

Here are my rejects then:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Reports say that illegal drugs are now as easy to get as pizza, although you don't get a free garlic bread on Tuesdays.

2. A face-collecting company has had its database hacked - police are struggling to identify the culprits.

3. Nando's faced criticism this week when it was reported that they are not paying their staff for cleaning. Management have apologised, saying they are "Peri-peri sorry" and would like to wipe the slate clean.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for Trevor, the world's loneliest duck, who died this week; it was a good week for guests at his cremation, where he was served with a side of plum sauce.

2. It's been a good week for Boris Johnson who announced his engagement and forthcoming baby; it's been a bad week for the Tories as Boris sends another woman into Labour.

3. It's been a bad week for a German fashion company after they were ridiculed by comedian Joe Lycett changing his name to "Hugo Boss"; it's been a good week for Joe's Mum who no longer has to iron his name inside his clothes.

Liked peri peri and duck ones.

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Kenny Bania

  • Friday 6th March 2020, 10:32pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 235 posts

Latest batch of duds in this cathartic process.........

Rapper Flavor Flav has left the band Public Enemy. A spokesperson put it down to artistic differences with new band member Tangy Tang

Aquafresh are to introduce a range of fruit flavoured toothpaste. Consumers have described the the announcement as cherry good and grape news

A survey has shown that 94% of French women change their pants every day, whereas only 73% of men do. The UK will consider these findings when French visitors are subject to a new pants based system

Its been a bad week for rapper Flavor Flav, after he was ditched by band Public Enemy. But a good week for Relishy Relish, who's been on standby for many years

( In breaking news one, I might have been better off putting... 'artistic differences 'with new band members Tangy Tang and Relishy Relish. Then again......... )

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skram

  • Saturday 7th March 2020, 4:20pm
  • Dartmoor, England
  • 68 posts
Quote: TheTrashBat @ 6th March 2020, 12:14 PM

I LOVE this!

Thanks TrashBat, just need you to become a NJ producer and I'll be sorted :)

Quote: Rood Eye @ 6th March 2020, 2:05 PM

I suggest it would have improved very significantly with just a couple of tiny tweaks thus:

It's been a bad week for Trevor, the world's loneliest duck, who died this week; it was a good week for guests at his cremation, where Trevor was served up with a side of plum sauce.

Thanks Rood Eye, happy to hear ideas for improvements - I think I originally wrote it with a second "Trevor" but then took it back out as it sounds more clunky having already said "his cremation"...? And is "served up" a regional phrase, I would only ever say "served" food...!

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Rood Eye

  • Saturday 7th March 2020, 4:56pm [Edited]
  • England
  • 3,563 posts
Quote: skram @ 7th March 2020, 4:20 PM

Thanks Rood Eye, happy to hear ideas for improvements - I think I originally wrote it with a second "Trevor" but then took it back out as it sounds more clunky having already said "his cremation"...? And is "served up" a regional phrase, I would only ever say "served" food...!

Hi Skram,

My thinking was along the lines that using his name immediately before coming up with the shock line about him being eaten by the congregation would make the shock more powerful because repeating his name at that point made him seem almost like an old friend rather than just a potential meal for the uncaring.

Also, I think "served up" is a nationally known expression and it makes the process appear very much less refined than "served". This too increases the shock as the newsreader, by using the expression "served up", is robbing Trevor of what tiny amount of dignity he might still have possessed had he been "served".

As I say, that was my thinking but I'm quite prepared for others to say they disagree entirely.

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Exe Chris

  • Sunday 8th March 2020, 3:04pm
  • Exeter, England
  • 78 posts

Bit late this week but here goes:

1. The Louvre in Paris has been shut following staff concerns over the Corona virus. A spokesman said "it was just a precaution and everyone knows to wash their hands after going to the Louvre"
2. An Australian movie buff has been awarded a Guinness World Record after going to see the film Bohemian Rhapsody 108 times. His wife has said that now "He's just a silhouetto of a man".
3. A guitar that was formerly owned by Beatles George Harrison and John Lennon has been valued at up to £400,000 on the Antiques Roadshow. The owner was told that if it was also owned by Ringo Starr it could have been worth up to £200,000

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:

1. It's been a bad week for Ant & Dec as they have to apologise for a Japanese Rising Sun flag on their show.
It's been a good week for "The Masked Singer" as it is bought up by 110 countries around the world following the Corona virus outbreak.

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GAP1

  • Sunday 8th March 2020, 4:53pm
  • Wales
  • 78 posts

Here's a one-liner from a couple of weeks ago that made the script but didn't get broadcast

An athlete who set an endurance exercise world record says he achieved success by learning how to ignore time. He's now been offered a job as a train driver with Southern Rail. https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-51618159

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BTF

  • Sunday 8th March 2020, 5:39pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 519 posts

Good one Gap1.

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DeathbyMonkey

  • Monday 9th March 2020, 11:10am
  • England
  • 708 posts

So my recorded but cut was this joke:

A new musical imagines Michael Jackson's story as told by his famous
glove. Michael Jackson's estate isn't involved in the show, 'For the love of
a glove', despite having a hand in the story

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Rood Eye

  • Monday 9th March 2020, 2:54pm
  • England
  • 3,563 posts
Quote: Exe Chris @ 8th March 2020, 3:04 PM

The Louvre in Paris has been shut following staff concerns over the Corona virus. A spokesman said "it was just a precaution and everyone knows to wash their hands after going to the Louvre"

That's certainly a decent joke.

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Goalo

  • Friday 13th March 2020, 10:09am
  • United Kingdom
  • 15 posts

Here are my lower-than-60%-alcohol efforts this week:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. New battle royale game released to rave reviews - in "Call to Arms:Toilet Roll Purchase" 100 people vie to be the last warrior standing in a suburban supermarket.
2. Plans for neolithic-style tomb submitted in Wales - neighbours say they'd have preferred a conservatory.
3. Stockbrokers suffer worst day since 2008 due to coronavirus. Still, they'll all be getting a nice few days off soon.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. Good week for transport links on Easter Island as its first-ever major road is opened - Bad week for the Easter Island statue which was crashed into by a truck
2. Good week for revellers as it emerges alcohol kills coronavirus - Bad week as they discover they have to put it on their hands
3. Bad week for movie festival goers as South By Southwest is cancelled - Good week for housebound movie lovers as North By Northwest is on the telly.

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JonT

  • Friday 13th March 2020, 10:36am
  • United Kingdom
  • 47 posts

@Goalo - Nice, your second BN and second GWBW were my faves

My rejects for the week:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Former footballer Ronaldinho has been arrested after entering Paraguay with a false passport. The police were contacted by thousands of former defenders with their own statements about meeting the player and being sold a dummy.

2. Twitter has flagged a manipulated video of Joe Biden as misleading, but only after it was viewed by over five million people. The site is considering placing similar warnings on the Hitler diaries, the Zinoviev letter, and Piltdown Man, but doesn't want to rush into anything.

3. As handshakes are discouraged, people have been greeting one another with elbow bumps and foot nudges. Following one meeting, a marketing executive from Barnstaple has accidentally become the Most Worshipful Grand Master of the Freemasons.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:

1. It's been a bad week for the stock markets, with historic falls and chaotic trading as a result of the coronavirus. But it's been a good week for the FTSE, which will now replace the handshake.

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Patrick Robinson

  • Friday 13th March 2020, 7:43pm
  • Birmingham, United Kingdom
  • 118 posts

NASA research concludes that lettuce grown on the International Space Station is safe to eat. And if the astronauts don't eat it ALL up, then there's no pudding for them.

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skram

  • Saturday 14th March 2020, 9:51am
  • Dartmoor, England
  • 68 posts

This week's failures:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. There was embarrassment for the Queen this week at Windsor Castle when her entourage was unable to enter via Nelson's Gate - gate staff explained that although they recognised most of the party, One didn't ring a bell.

2. NASA has successfully grown lettuce in space - they said although the lettuce was quite small it was one giant leaf for mankind.

3. A church has banned yoga classes for being "incompatible with Christian beliefs", a move that has left dyslexic members of its congregation unable to practice their Downward God.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a good week for Edinburgh University researchers who are set to capture birds-eye photos of glaciers in the Andes using a drone; it's been a bad week for Andy Murray who is afraid of heights.

2. It's been a bad week for a pedometer-eating pig that pooped out the battery and started a fire; it's been a good week for the firemen who rushed to get pigs in blankets.

3. It's been a good week for researchers who have made swift progress investigating the effect of traffic on hedgehogs; it's been a bad week for their research assistants who have been forced to work flat out.

Also did a sketch on the Queen Vic becoming a vegan cafe... I guess jokes about Phil Mitchell smashing up avocados weren't to their taste :)