A few of mine.

How was I supposed to know I was bidding on Daniel Craig's pants? When the auctioneer said a pair of sweaty boxers I thought he meant Lennox Lewis and Barry McGuigan.

The chances of the government keeping its promises are about as likely as the naked rambler putting his clothes back on.

I think the benefit cuts are a disgrace, if they cut mine any more I'll have to cancel one of my cruises.

The FA should just throw the book at that Ashley Cole, mind you, that would be a waste of a book.

(Woman) As a middle class parent I object to reports that we drink excessively, besides, babies don't need a lot of room so it makes sense for the nursery to double as a wine cellar

The Pope's ex butler couldn't say what became of the documents he stole or why, despite no sign of a new pope, he was seen fanning white smoke up the Vatican chimney.

Strictly Come Dancing's James Jordan will have to dance with a broken nose, could be worse, he could have had to dance with Johnnie Ball.

The trend for vandalising works of art seems to be growing, latest victim Tracy Emin found her bed made up and little lavender pouches under the pillows.

An elderly couple unknowingly bought a cannabis plant which grew into the biggest plant Bedford police had ever seen, the couple were said to be stoned, eh sorry, stunned when given the news.

Liked
Dan - Corgi Registered
Death by Monkey - Not a morning person.
Groovydude - Lineker sheepish
Blinkered - Abu Hamza Hand luggage
Sean Bennett - Serves him reich
BlahBlah - What about us renters + roman coffin
Shandonbelle - Throwing the book at Ashley Cole.

My rejects...

INTRO
Donald Trump was in Scotland to talk about success. Success for Donald is of course, keeping his wig on in windy scotland.

Paramount Pictures want to build a theme park in Kent, creating 27,000 jobs for local people - which is great news for Polish builders.

Glastonbury 2013 sold out in 100 minutes. It almost sold out in 90 minutes, but the staff were using a Sir Alex Ferguson watch.

NEWSJACK APP
Lewis Hamilton revealed that Jenson Button wasn't following him on Twitter.
I suppose Button has enough following him on Formula One tracks.

The government say homeowners can take extra protection against intruders to their homes.
I always knew those Des O'Connor records would come in useful again.

Angela Merkel visited Greece for the first time since the euro crisis started.
Well now is as good a time as any to do your Christmas shopping.

(POSH WOMAN) I think Jimmy Saville should receive the death penalty if found guilty.

A Russian man caught on camera defacing a Rothko artwork is believed to be behind an art movement known as Yellowism, not to be confused with Brownism, which involves drawing forced awkward smiles on famous portraits.

Since Haliburton announced the recovery of a lost radioactive rod in the Texas desert, Warner Bros have purchased the film rights to Cactus Man, The Incredible Vulture-guy and Slow-Moving-Tumbleweed man, the latter played by Andy Parsons.

David Blaine finished his Electrified Stunt in New York City recently. After spending three days stood on a platform pounded by lightning bolts, Blaine revealed he had fasted to remove the need for him to defecate, although it may have actually been to ensure safe passage once he disappears up his own backside on day four.

Lady Gaga was booed by onlookers after arriving an hour late for her own perfume launch. Gaga was supposed to walk down a specially themed black carpet, and one of her Little Monsters, Mark Sman, a 45 year old part time sniper from Bridlington was especially disappointed, but wouldn't elaborate as to why.

Paramount Pictures are set to open up a theme park on the Thames Estuary in a bid to rival Disneyland. The studio owns the rights to films such as Transformers, Iron Man and Kung Fu Panda and is expected to create highly anticipated rides based on these family friendly movies. Slightly less anticipated are attractions based on Event Horizon, What's Eating Gilbert Grape and the Nicolas Cage film World Trade Centre.

The dress which Judy Garland wore in the film The Wizard Of Oz is being auctioned and could fetch around £300,000. The tin man's rusted over crotch plate is expected to fetch less than a fiver.

X Factor viewers were up in arms on Sunday night as Louis Walsh controversially seemed to change his mind, leaving many to speculate whether or not the results were fixed. X Factor message boards were lit up that evening as the sharp eyed X Factor audience speculated that other major events were also fixed, including Wrestling, The Only Way Is Essex and the rotation of the Earth around the Sun.

Will Young has revealed he used to struggle with an addiction to adult entertainment. This revelation now makes his 2005 and 2008 albums, "Keep On" and "Let It Go" seem all the more lurid, although not as much as his 2nd Album "Friday's Child".

"Heard Richard Branson tried to take 234 lemurs on a flight to a private island, everyone knows you can't take more than twelve but he got off scott free! I took a dozen of the fellas on holiday with me to Ibiza one year, I got done just cos one of 'em was pregnant. Yet again it's one rule for the rich and one for the rest of us."

"Apparently a student at MIT designed a social media vest that allows hugs to be given via facebook every time you like a photo on their wall, so why was I arrested when I went on Dragon's Den with my Facebook Poke Pants? Some of us are more lonely than others you know. "

In light of allegations of child abuse brought against the late Radio 1 DJ, the Jimmy Savile Charity Trust is considering changing its name to the Jimmy Savile Misplaced Trust.

(1)It *was* exciting about Felix Baumgartner breaking the sound barrier - though he quickly came back down to Earth.

(2) (Posh woman) I call my cat "X Factor" because even though it's been fixed you can still see it's balls.

(3)Had a good bash at my house last night, right knees up - followed by left hooks and a jab. That'll teach him to burgle my house.

(4)The Tories are right - in defending our homes from burglars we should "raise the bar" - and then bring it down again hard.

AND FINALLY:

That was Newsjack from October 2012, shortly before Boris Johnson was shot and killed by a householder who claimed protection under the new law. The householder explained that Boris was no where near his home but felt the shooting was still very much in the public interest.

JACKAPPS:

MAN: I've just sold some of my employment rights to my employer. They bought two weeks of my annual leave. Fools. It was the fortnight with my wife and kids in Ibiza. They'll hate it.

The Mars Rover has ended up in tears. It had just begun to dig in the sand but couldn't find water anywhere to fill its little bucket.

PERKY GIRL: Hi Goldilocks here. I was a judge at this year's porridge making world championships. Some of the entries were too hot. Some of the them were too cold. And the winner didn't have many clothes on. He was a little bear.

Now the naked rambler is coming out of prison, he's bound to go hiking with no clothes on again. All credit you've got to show some balls to do that.

There are a lot of good ones here (as I've trawled the entire thread for the first time) but this one tickled me:

Quote: Big Jack @ October 12 2012, 8:09 PM BST

(3)Had a good bash at my house last night, right knees up - followed by left hooks and a jab. That'll teach him to burgle my house.

View original

Here are four weeks of 100% failures, in reverse order of time (because the top set are probably the better ones)

JUSTIN:
Cheryl Cole has been talking about her axe from The X Factor for the first time. There was much excitement, as everyone read about her 'sorting out' Simon Cowell; only to be tremendously disappointed when it became clear the axe was metaphorical.

JUSTIN:
A vandal daubed graffiti on a painting at the Tate Modern this week. Security guards chased down the culprit, but he lost them when one of them thought he'd gone left by the toilets and the other thought he was infusing the spirit of yellowism in a sociological statement against the bourgeoisie. A third thought it was all bollocks and went to the gift shop in a huff.

GEORDIE:
Bar codes have caused me nothing but trouble since they were introduced sixty year ago! The till goes bonkers every single time I try to buy a Newcastle United shirt.

ELDERLY:
I didn't know I'd bought a cannabis plant from the car boot sale. It does look beautiful in the garden though. Look at all those wonderful colours: Crunchie wrappers, Kit-Kat, Creme Egg....

JACKAPP:
I don't think it's fair to say George Osborne has as much knowledge about economics as a stick of rhubarb. At least rhubarb seems to understand being in a right old crumble.

BURGLAR:
Will this government stop at nothing to generate income? Attacks on burglars? I'm going to have to steal more to pay the bill!
========================
JACKAPP:
The staff made unemployed by JJB aren't going to be affected that much; they're already wearing tracksuits.

CORRECTION:
We'd like to apologise to RyanAir boss Michael O'Leary after reporting that he described holidays as 'a complete waste of time'. Since then, he's flown on a reputable airline and has retracted his comments.

CORRECTION:
We're sorry that we reported two men were fined £500,000 for sending millions of PPI text messages. We meant of course 'billed'.
========================
JACKAPP:
That Hornby Railways won't make a profit this year. I think they should increase their prices like a real rail operator. But obviously at 1/80th scale.

JACKAPP:
I think Denmark tightening sperm donor laws is a massive waste of money. Why not just tighten danish trousers?

JACKAPP:
For a man claiming to be a fundamentalist muslim, Abu Hamza sure has a lot of pork product in his self-selected name.

OBAMA:
Since becoming President, I have missed teaching. I miss interacting with the children. I miss passing on my knowledge to our next generation. But most of all I miss the holidays. I mean, what's the point in having your own plane if you can't use it to go skiing?

JACKAPP:
Hornby Railways have declared they won't make a profit this year. But you know, what comes around, goes around. And around. And round. And round...

JACKAPP:
I see the government are targetting tax dodgers in their deficit fight. Personally, I think it's a bad example to be ordering any biscuits for meetings.

CORRECTION:
We'd like to apologise for our erroneous report about Abu Hamza being deported. It is not the case that extremism is entirely the fault of Portuguese fortified wine.

AND FINALLY:
That was Newsjack from September 2012, in the week that a copycat respiratory virus was found in London, that quickly escalated into worldwide horror, as bioterrorists everywhere started applying to appear on SARS In Their Eyes.

Next on Radio 4 Extra, Homes Under the Water. Yet another tedious episode of the monotonous show where house owners bemoan how they didn't notice the massive river, lake or ocean that has always been located directly outside their door, even before the rain.
========================
JACKAPP:
Sir Ranulph Fiennes is planning to walk the South Pole winter at -90 degrees? Now, I'm no mathematician but isn't that vertically down?

JACKAPP:
The Satanic Verses wouldn't be published today. (IRRITATED MOUSE-CLICKING AND 'BING'-ING) BECAUSE NO-ONE CAN OPEN MICROSOFT'S NEW .docx FORMAT!

THUG:
I know how to make GCSEs tougher: a straightjacket and a blindfold.

SCARED:
(SHIVERING, WHISPERS) I'm soooooo scared. I've just watched the most frighteningly realistic horror movie: Three Men and a Baby. (SCREAMS)

ROGUE TRADER:
I strongly deny that I almost bankrupted an investment bank. Mind you, I did get bloody good odds at BetFredTheShred!

CORRECTION:
We'd like to apologise for claiming that Boris Johnson lacks the skills to be a political leader. Buffoonery, foot-in-mouth syndrome and dancing around like a clown are actually perfect qualities for a Prime Minister.

AND FINALLY:
That was Newsjack from September 2012, in the week that the Government initially signed a deal with EasyJet for cheaper expenses, but eventually leading to the unfortunate turn of events that ended with Lord Sir Nick Clegg being the UK's first EasyMP. Then EasyPM. Then EasyPeasyLemonSqueezyPM, which left a very sour taste in everyone's mouth.

It was also the week where social attitudes in Britain were shown to be hardening. But they finally pulled themselves together after some stern words. Wimps.

Next on Radio 4 Extra, Shiver Me Timbre: Somalia's most vicious pirates discuss the bad reputation they are getting from the scum that are copyright thieves. That, and how they'd like to take a cutlass to Ed Sheeran.

Dan

Quote: swerytd @ October 16 2012, 4:58 PM BST

JACKAPP:
Hornby Railways have declared they won't make a profit this year. But you know, what comes around, goes around. And around. And round. And round...

View original

V good!

"A woman in France has received a £10 trillion phone bill after cancelling her contract. Now I've heard of pay as you go - but that's just ridiculous!"

"If pre-exam anxiety's supposed to improve grades - how come I flunked my A-level in meditation?"

"A ban on lap dancing clubs would be catastrophic for Portsmouth's economy! I mean - where would business deals be conducted?"

"It's been alleged that Elizabeth Taylor slept with both Ronald Regan and John F. Kennedy. I always had her down as a swing voter."

"Instead of declaring Lance Armstrong's titles void - they should do the logical thing - and give them to the EU."

"If T4's being axed - where will all the trendy tossers go? Oh, of course - Radio 1."

"Naomi Wolf's got a new book out entitled 'Vagina'. And before you ask - no, it doesn't contain any pictures."

"If Frankie Boyle's a racist - then I'm a chinaman."

"A Welshman's been convicted of making thousands of prank phone calls in which he falsely claimed that his penis was stuck inside a jar. Someone really ought to tell him about the boy who cried wolf."

An undergraduate has survived falling 3000 ft from an aeroplane. Typical student's parachute just couldn't get out the sack.

JACKAPP: On the menu it said it was OK to take toilet handles from Jamie Oliver's restaurants at Christmas. Didn't fool me. There isn't a sanitary clause.

JACKAPP: This survey is true. I really was attracted to my late husband by purple. His money and how soon he'd turn that colour.

A beer has just been produced which costs eighty pounds a pint. Apparently it contains lots of gas.

More people are relying on UK food banks. If in a hurry there's
toad in the hole in the wall.

A pair of brogues has been made with false teeth on the soles.
Not as comfy as gum shoes.

We learned this week that bingeing on alcoholic drinks can hurt the brain in months..so keep off the short ones such as February.

Doing a Dan
here are a few of mine from last week & the one before.

Ep 3

Olympic handball Champion Nikola Karabatic has been arrested on suspicion of match fixing, If found guilty he could be stripped of his two Gold Medals he won in London, 'as well as the other two Medals he was going to win in Rio

I've heard the New Adele Bond theme, it's really good until James Corden comes on & invites Blur to sing the final verse.

To that idiot at Sainsburys, you don't steal from a company when your about to apply for a job there. You wait till you get the job before you start stealing

I knew Spielberg was dyslexic I remember him once saying that when George Lucas handed him a copy of the Phantom Menace Script he found it very hard to read.

Clarissa Dixon has recommended eating Badgers you can either cook a single Badger or go for the set meal.

Ep 4

I've been watching nonstop coverage of David Blaine's electricity stunt. I can't actually stand the man, but my lava lamp is broken.

I 'd have done exactly the same as Duffy, if there was a fire of course I'd rescue my pets first, and then I'd go back for the kids

As well as yellow honey, they've now discovered varieties in Green & Blue, but not Red. Take that Labour! Although you do win when it comes to jam.

William Hague is saying that Milliband is no Disraeli, I don't know why he feels the need to bring religion into this

An engineer from Wiltshire has had to abandon an attempt to cross the Irish Sea in a massive hamster wheel. The attempt was going fine until he knocked himself out taking a drink from the giant bottle

I'm sorry Donald but if you are going to complain about wind farms then don't go around calling yourself Mr Trump.

I've heard that those half filled packets of Crisps are now going to be renamed Speed Walkers

KP finally makes an apology, about time too! Their dry roasted peanuts smell like my socks.

These stories about excessive middle class drinking are tantamount to libel. And why do they always make the headlines so blurry

Quote: groovydude89 @ October 18 2012, 5:39 PM BST

"It's been alleged that Elizabeth Taylor slept with both Ronald Regan and John F. Kennedy. I always had her down as a swing voter."

"Naomi Wolf's got a new book out entitled 'Vagina'. And before you ask - no, it doesn't contain any pictures."

"If Frankie Boyle's a racist - then I'm a chinaman."

View original

I like the first one of these.

For the other two (and a few others) it seems like an extra twist is needed. The Wolf one needs something else (almost anything I say will sound rude so insert your own 'lick fingers' 'thumbing through' punchline). On the Boyle one I'm not sure if the speaker is Chinese, feels like there's something missing.

Quote: Blinkered @ October 18 2012, 6:01 PM BST

An undergraduate has survived falling 3000 ft from an aeroplane. Typical student's parachute just couldn't get out the sack.

JACKAPP: This survey is true. I really was attracted to my late husband by purple. His money and how soon he'd turn that colour.

More people are relying on UK food banks. If in a hurry there's
toad in the hole in the wall.

A pair of brogues has been made with false teeth on the soles.
Not as comfy as gum shoes.

We learned this week that bingeing on alcoholic drinks can hurt the brain in months..so keep off the short ones such as February.

View original

Really like these ones, really got the style. And shows how smaller news stories can make good JackApps.

My favourite is purple one but perhaps make the speech more natural. Rather than agreeing with a survey we don't know perhaps 'I agree with the survey that said...'. And it might make the end clearer if it was something like 'He was very rich, with a dodgy heart and I couldn't wait to see him turn that colour'.

Introductions

Conservative MEP Daniel Hannan said the European Union winning the Nobel Peace prize rendered parody redundant - oh well we've had a good run

Thanks to his astonishing weight loss of nine and a half stone Flemish politician Bart De Wever became a public favourite which culminated in him becoming Mayor of Antwerp this week. This is not the first time a politician has used a weight change to get into power - to become Prime Minister David Cameron gained twelve stone

A Frankie and Benny restaurant in Swansea accidently gave a two year old boy whisker instead of juice - the mistake was only discovered when his parents caught him texting an ex girlfriend

In radio news Clare Balding is set to replace Aled Jones as the host of Radio 2's Good Morning Sunday - talk about the bland replacing the bland

Apps

I've been saying for years that you should never be a pushy mother and now an Eton house master agrees, I don't push my son at all - he's got complete freedom. In fact I haven't seen him for a fortnight. I'm such a good mom

The new features on the crime mapping site are amazing. You can compare and contrast boroughs and districts - I've always wanted to know the difference between those two

So channel four are running a stand up to cancer week - finally someone's brave enough to say it!

I hear there's a café in Japan that charges you to sleep next to someone without having sex - if that's what they want why don't they get married? Seriously I've been married twenty years and its only hate that's inside of me

Electric pants do prevent bed soars, but they're not very helpful with my incontinence F/X electric shock

I'm amazed they're trying to find the best Jewish mother and no ones mentioned Mary - she lives on my street and is an excellent mother

Corrections

Mistakes are like children - easy to make but hard to escape from. In an attempt to distance ourselves from past mistakes Newsjack would like to make the following corrections

And Finally

That was Newsjack first broadcast two years ago during the week that saw David Cameron and Alex Salmond agree to hold a Scottish Independence referendum and I can now exclusively reveal the results and - sorry my producer wants to talk to me

F/X whispering

I'm sending the vote to deadlock

END

Quote: swerytd @ October 16 2012, 4:58 PM BST

There are a lot of good ones here (as I've trawled the entire thread for the first time) but this one tickled me:

JACKAPP:
I don't think it's fair to say George Osborne has as much knowledge about economics as a stick of rhubarb. At least rhubarb seems to understand being in a right old crumble.

JACKAPP:
The staff made unemployed by JJB aren't going to be affected that much; they're already wearing tracksuits.

Dan

View original

Likey

Also liked the Swing voter one by Groovydude.

And here come my rejects.

INTRODUCTIONS
A woman in France has received a phone bill for almost 12 zillion euros. The telecom company have admitted it was a mis-print, but President Hollande has asked the tax office to send her an updated tax bill.

JACK APP
Starbucks have paid no tax in the UK for the last three years.
(RAISE VOICE) THAT'S REALLY BAD!
But they call your name when they give your order - that's really good.

Poor Johnny Ball. He should have told the panel to think of a higher number.

Ipads are one of the items most frequently left behind in hotels.
Never mind, they'll be a newer one on sale soon.

Last year Facebook paid only 238 thousand pound in UK tax on revenue of £175 million. Is there a dislike button for that?

Pippa Middleton has turned down the chance to promote her book on American chat shows. I suppose she wants to swot up on the Magna Carter first.

(Female voice - maybe from Birmingham) I feel really sorry for the Pakistani schoolgirl who was shot in the head by the Taliban for wanting to go to school - she's now being flown to Britain to be treated by the NHS - she just can't get a lucky break can she?

CORRECTIONS
Last week we said that UK athletics were withdrawing funding of Paula Radcliffe because she's Scottish. We meant to say its because they were worried she would piss it all away...

END OF SHOW
That was Newsjack, first broadcast back in October 2012, when England and Scotland first discussed splitting up, although they agreed to stay together for another two years until the kids had left school.

Quote: blahblah @ October 18 2012, 10:56 PM BST

Introductions

A Frankie and Benny restaurant in Swansea accidently gave a two year old boy whisker instead of juice - the mistake was only discovered when his parents caught him texting an ex girlfriend

END

View original

That punchline made it in! Don't remember them saying Frankie and Benny though.

These were mine from Ep5

JACKAPPS:

MALE YOB: Yeah alright. It was me that painted all the Milton Keynes cows as skeletons. You know you like your milk skinny.

POSH LADY: I was so hyperventilating when my mobile phone service went down. I just couldn't get enough O2.

They've Grade 2 listed those cold war nuclear missile bases. It shows every mushroom cloud has a silver lining.

Yahoo has recruited more Google executives. Even Yahoo searches now turn up Google in first place.

SCOTTISH ACCENT: Is it right I only get one question about Scottish independence? Oh, was that it?