INTROs
In response to the revelation that four in ten primary school pupils failed the new phonics test, which assesses their ability to pronounce made up words, the Department for Education issued the following written statement: "Weeble wigbag er not sure how you pronounce that one hyattle bip noddle toop toop "

Industry analysts observed that for the first time Facebook appears to be removing fake "likes" from its database. Apparently the most affected pages in recent months were the iPhone, John Terry and the Liberal Democrat Party.

Secrets yet to be disclosed in the 'Vatileaks' trial are thought to include inside information on the efficacy of barrier contraception, the ending of the next Dan Brown novel and the answer to a question we all want to know: does the Pope shit in the woods?

JACKAPP
POSH BLOKE: According to his old chum Charlie Brooks, David Cameron once stood up Barack Obama to finish a game of tennis! When I played tennis with Dave, we ended up playing an unscheduled game of croquet followed by a six course lunch and an afternoon's badger hunting - all because Nick Clegg called
(there was an equally unsuccessful sketch version of this as well)

First post! I've been lurking a while as I've sent stuff in to Newsjack, but no success yet. I thought I'd post some rejected one liners from this week as I wondered if people could see if there was some obvious structural flaw that might mean no matter how good the joke (or the potential for it to be good) it couldn't be used. If they get 2,500 one liners a week then the odds of getting in are small anyway but obviously I don't want to be making any daft mistakes that prevent it even getting through the door, as it were.

JUSTINA manager at a McDonald's has defended firing someone for putting too many sprinkles on a McFlurry. 'If I kept letting this go on', he said, 'it would cost me hundreds and thousands'.

(Wasn't sure if sprinkles/100s and 1000s was a bit cliche but I still thought it worked well as a set-up and punchline)

JUSTINScientists have discovered the genes that cause deafness. People are advised to avoid 501's, hipsters and for god's sake stop wearing skinny fit jeans.

JUSTINLabour Shadow Chancellor, Ed Balls has revealed he has been taking Grade One level piano lessons. He was doing Grade Two until Moody's downgraded him.

(I was concerned it said 'graded' too many times but it was the only way it could be said)

JUSTINThis was the week that saw former Friday Night Project host, Justin Lee Collins come up with the idea for his new show 'Bring Back The...Ex-Wife Please, Because I've Gone And Dropped A Bollock With This One'.

(Wasn't sure about the word bollock, but they said bastards the first week anyway)

These are some rejected ones from last week:

JUSTINAfter Clint Eastwood debated an empty chair representing President Obama at the Republican Convention; Republican supporters have started lynching chairs. Police have expressed fears of armed chair reprisals.

(I really liked that one, but I wonder if the subject matter was a bit controversial?)

JUSTINPop singer, Katy Perry has revealed that to get over her divorce from Russell Brand she climbed up a volcano. Russell Brand got over it by climbing up Geri Halliwell.

(I reckoned that one was too sexual).

JUSTINGreen Day singer Billie Jo Armstrong freaked out on stage this weekend. After smashing his guitar he launched an expletive-filled rant and checked into rehab the next day. That's what happens when you wake him up before September ends.

All thoughts welcome!

(1) Welcome to NewsJack, the show with a light hearted look at all the week's news, except the Jimmy Savile documentary. We won't be touching that... is what it was called.

(2) Why did the teacher wear dark glasses? To get through border control

COCKNEYave Cameron, Man of the People here. Some geezer comes up to me asking about the Magna Carta. I said, "My name's not Carter, and I don't like ice cream".

COCKNEYave Cameron here. Me and dodgy Charlie was playing darts and someone sez, "d'you know President Obama's on the phone?". I said, "No, but you hum it and I'll join in." (COCKNEY CHUCKLE)

COCKNEYave Cameron, again. You want the distant possibility of an EU referendum? You got it! And I'll throw in a bag of plums. Laavly!

Another long time lurker, first time poster. Here come some rejects!

NEWSJACK APP

(FEMALE VOICE)
I see David Cameron had lunch with Boris Johnson at Chequers - but which one of them will Michael Sheen play in the film?

George Michael must be gutted to pull out of his Australian concerts - he always enjoys a date down under.

Only one in five believe Ed Miliband would make a good Prime Minister.
Mind you, they only interviewed members of the Miliband family.

A Rabbi has ordered for all iphones to be burnt.
Isn't there an app for that?

(POSH TORY VOICE)
Ed Miliband to make three platform appearances at the Labour conference this week?
Oh well, at least he'll get his fifteen minutes.

(COCKNEY VOICE)
John Prescott nicknamed Grant Shapps 'two tags' after he used the name Michael Green for his internet business. That's rich from Prescott - Shapps should have punched him!

(POSH TORY VOICE)
Prescott called Grant Shapps 'two tags', no worries, Shapps can always edit it on wikipedia.

CORRECTIONS
A trailer for the Radio 4 Extra show presented by Ed Byrne "WHATS SO FUNNY" should have said the show contains a preview of the Liverpool Comedy Festival, and not advertised the show as a documentary about Liverpool Football Club.

We'd like to apologize for calling Madonna a washed up old stripper after she called Obama a Muslim. We were in fact being ironic. She's far too old to be a stripper.

And finally, we like to apologize, along with all other newspapers and radio stations in calling the European Ryder Cup 'rubbish' and 'useless' on saturday when they were losing by a scoreline of 10-4. They are of course the best team in the world!

My collection of failure:

The Pussy Riot appeal has been adjourned until next week after an initial session of barely an hour. Can tell the judge is a typical man - it's just a surprise he lasted that long.

George Michael's upset his Australian tour has been cancelled as he'd been looking forward to going down under and blowing a didgeridoo.

The National Police Air Service claims it'll provide better coverage - hmmph! Pigs might fly.

A Canadian cheese-smuggling ring's been smashed after being caught red-handed with over a hundred kilos of emmental, £10,000 of gruyere and 500 copies of 'The Birdy Song'.

I'm not worried the UK housing market's having a flat year as long as the next one's a house year.

It's all well and good automatically enrolling me in a pension - but when the heck do I get time to holiday in France? (potential extra: I'm a shelf stacker - not a maths teacher.)

I'm upset at the ban on clamping on private ground - the government should have more pressing concerns than what an Englishman does with his nipples.
((Damn! I was pretty close to one that did get into the show))

(boring voice) Identity Theft is so bad in the UK that I even had mine stolen - luckily it was returned two weeks later with a stack of self help books.

Of course Abu Hamza's health is suffering - even I struggle with those child-proof bottle tops and I've only got arthritis in my fingers.

Like many others I'm trying to quit with the help of Stoptober - but I'm surprised they spelt tuba wrong. (FX: Tuba music) Only 5 a day now!

Quote: Judgement Dave @ October 7 2012, 4:51 PM BST

The National Police Air Service claims it'll provide better coverage - hmmph! Pigs might fly.

View original

Nice gag

Quote: Gerry McDonnell @ October 7 2012, 4:55 PM BST

Nice gag

View original

Thanks!

The odd thing about the Saville controversy is that when I was fourteen I wrote to Jim'll Fix It and asked if I could be touched up by an ageing DJ in a care home...didnt even get a reply!

my meek offerings:

Jack Apps
1. So now I hear that children will actually have to 'dumb down' in order to achieve top grades. Well my son can't tie his own shoe laces or find his arse with both hands so I guess the future looks bright for him.

2. No wonder unemployment's so high; I've just had my application for 'Royal dog walker' rejected because im not corgi registered!

3. And just HOW exactly is Abu Hamza's wife going to pay her 'mansion tax' if you're going to cut £10bn from the welfare budget Mr Osborne?

One Liner's
1. With the blueprints for austerity schools in place does this mean Jamie Oliver can finally sling it with his ostentatious dinner menu?

2. Apparently children are now so smart that they will have to effectively 'dumb down' for tests so that exam markers may comprehend their answers, drastic action needs to be taken now before we breed a nation of over qualified exam markers.

3. With 10bn worth of cuts planed for welfare the jobless have renamed it the 'well unfair' budget.

4. Warrington Wolves Paul Wood ruptured his testicle 1 minute into the second half of the super league grand final and was forced to play the remainder of the game with an odd shaped ball.

Introductions

An elderly couple who unwittingly grew the biggest cannabis plant police officers had ever seen admitted they didn't realise what they were doing, because they were mashed out their heads on acid.

Boris Johnson has paid tribute to the PM, telling the press he's not a morning person.

The Conservatives have announced householders who confront burglars with force will escape prosecution, along with the burglars and anyone else who commits a crime after the next set of budget cuts.

Scientists have discovered that brainless slime has a form of external memory, after learning that George Osborne does own a computer.

Rothko's Seagram mural, Black on Maroon has been "defaced", an act so astonishing because it doesn't even look like a person.

Scientists have discovered a pain killer as powerful as morphine in the venom of the Black Mamba. The chemical which isn't addictive like morphine only has one drawback, you need to be bitten by a deadly snake.

More than four-hundred and fifty jobs are under threat as a refrigerated pizza company has had its assets frozen. Let's hope they don't end up on the bread line, then on the sauce, before toppings themselves. Other pizza base puns are available.

Jack Apps

WOMANSomeone needs to tell Baumgartner that going for the skydive record is so passé, he should just download it from the internet.

QUEENOne is very worried about George Osborne's benefit cuts but at least one won't face a rise in one's mansion tax.

MANI'm not surprised the economy is healing slowly, I had to wait six months for my appendectomy.

"Trading workers rights for shares can be summed up in one word - socialism!"

"George Osborne doesn't like people drawing their blinds... or blind people drawing their benefits."

"Jeremy Hunt should lead by example... by terminating his stint as Health Secretary within twelve weeks."

"Gary Lineker has wrongly accused two footballers of eating grass. Hence why he's been looking so sheepish."

"Something tells me the age of consent won't be the topic of this year's John Peel Lecture."

We've never tried an audience participation joke in Newsjack but here goes...
The English Honours graduate who got a job as a scarecrow was outstanding in his...
[AUDIENCE] Field!
Nearly...Fielding and Thackeray dissertations.

At an auction of film memorabilia, swimming trunks worn by Daniel Craig came under the hammer. They went cheep until the budgie died

Before Abu Hamza flew to the United States he had to check-in his hook because it was not regarded as hand luggage.

JACKAPP: I've lost my incapacity benefit so I'm starting back at what nearly crippled me in the first place...burglary.

Gary Linekar has apologised for describing Muslim footballers as 'eating grass' when celebrating a goal with an act of worship. In Gary's defence, Allan Hansen pointed out that they were praying well out of position.

The founder of Wikipedia got married recently. He said 'I Do' and his bride replied 'Citation Required'

My trinket box of ugly turds this week -

"It's great to see that the horse tranquilliser ketamine has been found to be an effective anti-depressant. At last we can envisage having an end to that awful disease, an end to the demonisation of ketamine users, and at last, an answer to that age old question, 'why the long face?'"

"I was really worried that taking the horse tranquiliser ketamine to treat my depression would result in undesirable side effects. But I've been taking it a while now, and more often than not I've found myself to be in a much more stable place".

"I was working in Stansted last week when the caterpillar birthday cake set off a luggage alert system by testing positive for explosives. Although security where quick to assure all the passengers that it was not a bomb, there remained a lot uncertainty as to whether it was or wasn't 'some kind of bug'"

"I just wanted to say everybody should buy Pudsey, the dancing 'Britain's Got Talent' dog's new autobiography - it's amazing. But then I am such a massive fan - this year the hubby and I paid to spend a whole week where Pudsey spends his holidays - it wasn't actually that nice - but, you know, it was only a pound"

"So the pope's butler has been stealing papal files in order to show the world the institutionalised right wing corruption prevalent within the higher echelons of the Vatican -well, serves him Reich".

Introductions

Disabled rights campaigner Kaliya Franklin has said the welfare to work scheme is tantamount to bullying. The welfare reform minister responded by saying (Mocking tone) My names Kaliya and I use big words

Abu Hamza and four other terror suspects were extradited to America last week. Abu was unhappy his appeal to stay in the UK was refused, but at least he got top billing

Chris Todd abandoned his attempt to walk across the Irish sea in a giant hamster wheel when he realised he was walking across the Irish sea in a giant hamster wheel!

Due to the declining numbers scientists are attempting to build a Robot Bee to help pollinate crops - and if that doesn't work they'll try Robot C

Take That's Howard Donald used a loophole to pay less tax, which begs the question, which one is he again?

In art news a Mark Rothko painting was vandalized at the Tate Modern, which is still only the second most valuable thing destroyed in London after Gordon Browns tenure as Chancellor of the Exchequer

Jack Apps

I don't think it's strange that an elderly couple accidently bought a cannabis plant at a car boot sale - last week I tried to buy a jigsaw and ended up with ten grams of Heroin

It's all well and good that homeowners have more rights to defend themselves against intruders, but what about us renters?

Why is every one talking about the Hulk Hogan sex tape? It's obviously fake! Idiots

How can Angela Merkel pledge to support Greece - every one knows oil is healthier

I hear a roman coffin sold at auction for five figures- this recession must be bad when five people have to share a coffin.

In his speech Boris Johnson called David Cameron a broom. I agree he's a complete broom. What a total broom head- brooms a posh swear word right?

Scientists say tomatoes are great stroke preventers - that explains why I haven't stroked my husband in years. My neighbor hates tomatoes

END